Elderly Mother - Showing signs of Dementia - What to do?

HampshireH

Its unsual someone would call the police unless they had concerns at the time about her behaviour/ability.

It may be worth a call to the local officer to check on the circumstances. They may or may not discuss with you but they can share with the GP

badmemory

HampshireH wrote: »

Its unsual someone would call the police unless they had concerns at the time about her behaviour/ability.

Not necessarily! The age police are out there. Actually sticking to anything like the speed limit these days seems to be a public offence.

badmemory

Please rule out the UTI before going down the dementia route. Once you go down that road treatment for anything is going to be a struggle.

Tammer

Hi,

I thought it was worthwhile to give another update on the position. The previous posts have been invaluable and I've read back through them recently to work out what to do next.

First of all there have been 3 incidents causing me concern (from a selfish lens)

1. Police phoned my brother from up North to say my mum had bashed her car and people had phoned the police. The police said she had gone down a 1 way street, attempted to turn round but bashed her car causing some damage to the plastic trim. Police said she was confused, couldn't remember she had sons and soiled herself. My brother explained we've referred her to the doctor and the doctor says she's fine. The police said they would contact the doctor. My mum denies all this and says she came out a shop to find people called the police.... My brother isn't sure what to believe.

2. I was on holiday recently. While I was away, it was very cold, and my mum turned up on my doorstep. She had to take the bus as her car was being repaired due to 1. above. My neighbour said that she was there for about 30 mins so he became concerned and invited her in for a cup of tea to warm up. He said she seemed confused and her purse was hanging out of her bag - which he sorted out. He asked me if she is suffering from dementia. I said the doctor says she's fine....

3. While my mum was out I went round to her house (not deliberately, she was just out somewhere). I noticed 2 things. 1 a letter from the Neurology department inviting her for an appointment on 8th April. 2. A letter from her timeshare up north with a cleaning bill for £270 to clean soiled mattress and sofa. My mum says she paid the bill. This is the only sense I could get out of her on the topic.

The above incidents are adding to my, and my brother's concern. The only people that seem unconcerned are 1. my mum, 2 her doctor.

I asked my mum if she's been to the hospital recently or had an appointment, and what she thought about the police being involved with her driving for a second time (see previous posts above). She said she has no hospital appointments and had no recollection of a previous involvement of the police with her driving.

The action I took was:
1. I wrote all the above down in a letter to her doctor and asked for help. I have heard nothing.
2. I phoned Age Scotland who advised contacting social services.
3. I phoned Social Services but they said they cannot do anything unless the doctor rules her unfit to make decisions independently or my mum asks for help.

My mum is adamant she does not want any help, does not need the doctor and there is nothing wrong with her driving!

I feel we are stuck at a dead end and it will only be if my mum has another bad fall or a serious car crash that something will be done - or if she turns up on the street somewhere in a confused state I guess.

I think the blocker is the doctor. The doctor explained she cannot tell me anything if my mum hasn't said she can. My mum will never give her this permission.

My thoughts are that either my brother or I should visit the doctor in person. I have no idea if this is even possible.

I am really not sure what to do next other than watch events unfold around me.

Sorry for the long post but any help, similar experiences would be helpful.

Primrose

I really feel for you. You must be totally distracted with anxiety. Is her doctor the only one in a single person surgery or could you contact another GP in the practice for a second opinion?


If your mother is still deemed by that GP of having sufficient mental capacity. try and get both an online Finance and Health & Welfare P of A drawn up urgently while there is still time. Try and persuade your mother she may need some help with her affairs at a later date if she has to go into hospital or something and as these take several weeks to process it's a good idea you start now. If you have to go the Guardianship route where she's deemed to no longer have mental capacity this will be far more complicated to arrange and you will have more restricted powers.


I think the GP needs a written letter from you and your brother briefly outlining the situation. She may have to revise her view on your mother's mental capacity at this point which may make getting Power of Attorneys impossible I note yiu have already written to her. Chase her again. She is doubtless busy and harassed but you need a response.


the other question is whether your mother is still fit to hold a driving licence. After one accident there is a risk she could injure or kill somebody, or herself. How old is she? Over 70.s are supposed to complete a form from the DVLA every 3 years to certify their fitness to continue driving, and if necessary undergo the appropriate eye examination. Has she done this if over 70?


If she hasn't been to an optician lately she may have developed a cataract, glaucoma or some other eye condition which is impeding her driving and this issue needs to be addressed or she could have her driving licence revoked. Her car insurance could also be invalidated if she hasn't passed all the relevant checks.


I think you probably need a ferret through your mum's personal papers to try and check some of these things as she clearly seems to have blanks in her memory.


Please come back and update us. There may be others who can help guide you forward.

kezzygirl

I'm sorry you seem to be having barriers put in your way to obtain support for your mum. Social services have a duty to assess people who may have a requirement for care- it may be worth contacting them again and explaining you doubt she has the capacity to be able to accept or refuse help,there have been various incidents where she has been a risk to herself and/or others (leaving the grill on,driving in a unsafe manner) and you are concerned that she is not receiving appropriate treatment or support to the extent that she may come to serious harm. I'm unsure if you have a local dementia support team,but it may be worth seeing if they accept self referral and doing this on your mum's behalf. Even if they were to visit her at home and you be present,they are trained to notice nuances associated with dementia and to risk assess her ability to accept or decline treatment or support. Usually gp will do a mini mental state exam abd order bloods and ecg prior to referral to dementia team, has this been offered? The gp should be reading between the lines with your mum and acting on your concerns-unless of course your mum is able to give a full and articulate explanation for your concerns which, by the sounds of it, she can't.

Hectors_House

Tammer wrote: »

Hi,

I thought it was worthwhile to give another update on the position. The previous posts have been invaluable and I've read back through them recently to work out what to do next.

First of all there have been 3 incidents causing me concern (from a selfish lens)

1. Police phoned my brother from up North to say my mum had bashed her car and people had phoned the police. The police said she had gone down a 1 way street, attempted to turn round but bashed yher car causing some damage to the plastic trim. Police said she was confused, couldn't remember she had sons and soiled herself. My brother explained we've referred her to the doctor and the doctor says she's fine. The police said they would contact the doctor. My mum denies all this and says she came out a shop to find people called the police.... My brother isn't sure what to believe.

2. I was on holiday recently. While I was away, it was very cold, and my mum turned up on my doorstep. She had to take the bus as her car was being repaired due to 1. above. My neighbour said that she was there for about 30 mins so he became concerned and invited her in for a cup of tea to warm up. He said she seemed confused and her purse was hanging out of her bag - which he sorted out. He asked me if she is suffering from dementia. I said the doctor says she's fine....

3. While my mum was out I went round to her house (not deliberately, she was just out somewhere). I noticed 2 things. 1 a letter from the Neurology department inviting her for an appointment on 8th April. 2. A letter from her timeshare up north with a cleaning bill for £270 to clean soiled mattress and sofa. My mum says she paid the bill. This is the only sense I could get out of her on the topic.

The above incidents are adding to my, and my brother's concern. The only people that seem unconcerned are 1. my mum, 2 her doctor.

I asked my mum if she's been to the hospital recently or had an appointment, and what she thought about the police being involved with her driving for a second time (see previous posts above). She said she has no hospital appointments and had no recollection of a previous involvement of the police with her driving.

The action I took was:
1. I wrote all the above down in a letter to her doctor and asked for help. I have heard nothing.
2. I phoned Age Scotland who advised contacting social services.
3. I phoned Social Services but they said they cannot do anything unless the doctor rules her unfit to make decisions independently or my mum asks for help.

My mum is adamant she does not want any help, does not need the doctor and there is nothing wrong with her driving!

I feel we are stuck at a dead end and it will only be if my mum has another bad fall or a serious car crash that something will be done - or if she turns up on the street somewhere in a confused state I guess.

I think the blocker is the doctor. The doctor explained she cannot tell me anything if my mum hasn't said she can. My mum will never give her this permission.

My thoughts are that either my brother or I should visit the doctor in person. I have no idea if this is even possible.

I am really not sure what to do next other than watch events unfold around me.

Sorry for the long post but any help, similar experiences would be helpful.

I feel for you.

My then partners mother was showing many signs (keeping mail in the fridge and her letters in the washing machine). She lived many miles from him but they were a well-known family in the area having run a very popular pub so locals would let him know of concerns. She started calling him in the middle of the night using foul language and was seen going to the local shop in the middle of the night.

I helped him as much as I could and we managed to get her GP to visit. His assessment she was just a ‘little confused’ and he got told off for not doing enough for her.

Things came to a head when the window cleaner overheard two gypsies in the kitchen with her trying to get her to sign a blank cheque for ‘the work they had done on the house for her’. He called the police and she was taken into hospital. We begged them not to release her back to the house (we had got her into hospital once before and they left her sitting outside in a wheelchair at midnight and threatened to leave her there if we didn’t collect her).

She was finally assessed with dementia and we were advised to find a care home. They kept her in for a couple of weeks to get her health sorted and she was released into the care of a home local to her son.

You are getting some great advise here and make sure you look after yourself too.

dawyldthing

Tammer wrote: »

Hi,

I thought it was worthwhile to give another update on the position. The previous posts have been invaluable and I've read back through them recently to work out what to do next.

First of all there have been 3 incidents causing me concern (from a selfish lens)

1. Police phoned my brother from up North to say my mum had bashed her car and people had phoned the police. The police said she had gone down a 1 way street, attempted to turn round but bashed her car causing some damage to the plastic trim. Police said she was confused, couldn't remember she had sons and soiled herself. My brother explained we've referred her to the doctor and the doctor says she's fine. The police said they would contact the doctor. My mum denies all this and says she came out a shop to find people called the police.... My brother isn't sure what to believe.

2. I was on holiday recently. While I was away, it was very cold, and my mum turned up on my doorstep. She had to take the bus as her car was being repaired due to 1. above. My neighbour said that she was there for about 30 mins so he became concerned and invited her in for a cup of tea to warm up. He said she seemed confused and her purse was hanging out of her bag - which he sorted out. He asked me if she is suffering from dementia. I said the doctor says she's fine....

3. While my mum was out I went round to her house (not deliberately, she was just out somewhere). I noticed 2 things. 1 a letter from the Neurology department inviting her for an appointment on 8th April. 2. A letter from her timeshare up north with a cleaning bill for £270 to clean soiled mattress and sofa. My mum says she paid the bill. This is the only sense I could get out of her on the topic.

The above incidents are adding to my, and my brother's concern. The only people that seem unconcerned are 1. my mum, 2 her doctor.

I asked my mum if she's been to the hospital recently or had an appointment, and what she thought about the police being involved with her driving for a second time (see previous posts above). She said she has no hospital appointments and had no recollection of a previous involvement of the police with her driving.

The action I took was:
1. I wrote all the above down in a letter to her doctor and asked for help. I have heard nothing.
2. I phoned Age Scotland who advised contacting social services.
3. I phoned Social Services but they said they cannot do anything unless the doctor rules her unfit to make decisions independently or my mum asks for help.

My mum is adamant she does not want any help, does not need the doctor and there is nothing wrong with her driving!

I feel we are stuck at a dead end and it will only be if my mum has another bad fall or a serious car crash that something will be done - or if she turns up on the street somewhere in a confused state I guess.

I think the blocker is the doctor. The doctor explained she cannot tell me anything if my mum hasn't said she can. My mum will never give her this permission.

My thoughts are that either my brother or I should visit the doctor in person. I have no idea if this is even possible.

I am really not sure what to do next other than watch events unfold around me.

Sorry for the long post but any help, similar experiences would be helpful.

How far away are you? Is an option for you going to stay over/ she coming to you for a few days (ideally when these (I’m guessing your going to have to rearrange) appointments are scheduled for)? As we moved my Nan in in the end as had a few concerns over several months over different things. Doctors will only help if she requests them. Social services only help with the extremes I’ve found.

The other thing is to make sure the police do contact the doctor. As they are impartial really (they wouldn’t go out for nothing) and have seen her, sounds like confused so could help get things backed up and possibly help. As doctors can only see so much in 10 minutes and anyone can put a front up in a 10 minute appointment

troubleinparadise

Without a Health and Welfare Attorneyship in place the GP is under no obligation to speak to you about your mother’s personal health information, however frustrating you find that.

All you can do is write to the GP detailing your observed concerns as you have done, and leave it to them to deal with as they see fit.

The local Social Services will have a section which deals with vulnerable adults, and should investigate reports to them. Again, however, you cannot make them take action as at present your mother is judged to have capacity - or at least has not been assessed as lacking capacity by a medical professional to your knowledge.

The Police will report their concerns about an individual to Social Services if they feel it appropriate, and several reports would flag up a problem.

Sadly it does tend to take a crisis such as being found wandering or a physical emergency entailing a visit to A&E to trigger a diagnosis and action if a person is refusing help.

As said, getting Attorneyship would allow you to legally handle her health and financial affairs as a third party.

The Alzheimer’s Society have a very helpful team you could speak to for advice - sadly this is a not uncommon situation.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/

In the meantime, all you can do is support her where you can physically and time wise, and perhaps you can work on persuading her to accept help. It is a miserable and worrying situation, and I do hope you can make progress in getting her the support she needs.

comeandgo

I know it has already been mentioned but I don't think you have answered. Has your mum had a urinary infection test? I have seen first hand, or I would never have believed it, that a totally confused, incontinent persons symptoms were caused by urinary infection. Antibiotics was all that was needed.