Would you like a surprise party?

badmemory

You have 2 sisters who are bullies. They have bullied your 3rd sister into going along with it. And they are bullying you into attending. Who are they going to bully next? How vulnerable are your parents? (Sorry if they are already gone, I don't remember you mentioning them) Once a bully always a bully.


When I hear about this sort of thing it always reminds me of an intervention (very American!) so is this what they are doing, intervening because after all everyone must like parties & you must be mistaken & need them to put you right? I do like a party, but a surprise party in my honour is the stuff of nightmares.

TBagpuss

trailingspouse wrote: »

Wow. They've gone to a huge amount of effort to find people who were part of your life. They've booked and prepped and, yes, organised, to give you a big night for (I'm assuming) a big birthday.
It's not like you actually are doing anything else for your birthday, is it? Of course you could have already planned a weekend away or a meal or whatever - but you haven't, have you?
Has it not crossed your mind that your sisters (including the one who 'likes organising things') might be doing this because they want to help you celebrate? That they like you and want you to have a good time?
I suggest you get over yourself, be grateful that you have people in your life who want to do this for you, put your party frock on, let your hair down and just enjoy it.

The thing is, is you want to do something nice for someone, you have to take into account what they would actually like.

This is OPs sisters. They know her, they know this is not something that she would like or want, they are not 'helping her celebrate', they are bulldozing over her known and stated preferences. It's actually very selfish of them. If they wanted to do something nice, or wanted to help her celebrate, they would have taken into account what she actually likes.

They could have (for instance) have involved her husband, and ensured that whatever they planned was to her taste (maybe a much smaller party, or meal out, for example)

These are not people trying to be nice. These are bullies, and they are selfish, doing something purely for their own gratification because they want a party, or to feel good about themselves. At best they are monumentally arrogant, as they are assuming that they know better than their sister what she will like, even though they have been told, explicitly, that she doesn't want or like this kind of thing.

OP, I would suggest that you make arrangements to do something with your husband which you will enjoy, maybe an intimate dinner
out. Consider organising something for yourself, which your husband can issue invites for (maybe a small family gathering on/near your birthday).

And if necessary, send them an email of similar and say "I've heard rumours that you are planning a surprise party for me on [date]. As I've made clear, I don't like big parties and hate the idea of a surprise party, and Husband and I have plans for that date in any event, so we will not be able to come. I wanted to let you know, so that you can let guests know that it won't be going ahead as a birthday party for me. If you wish, of course you are free to re-purpose the party as a pre-christmas get-together, as I know it is something you enjoy"

This is not someone who has done something which they genuinely but misguidedly thought you would like, where the intention was good but they just misjudged it. If that were the case, then it would be nice to go along with it and thank them for the thought,. but this is different. They know that you hate this kind of thing and have made a deliberate, purposeful choice to do something they know you will hate.

Stoke

There's quite a funny episode of Bob's Burgers which covers this. Watched it last night.

Personally, it would depend on what kind of party.... There's a surprise night out, there's a surprise night in, there's the surprise office party. All different dynamics.

savingsmad

If you don't make a stand, you will be expected to go along with this sort of behaviour in future- plenty more unwelcome surprises, I'm afraid.

klew356

I cannot think of anything worse to the point that I have mentioned to friends and family don’t do it, its not even the centre of attention thing, its probably more looking round the room on arrival thinking why are they here and why are they not type thing just not for me

Maddie57

My advice would be if you feel you have to go is to contact a few of your close friends and ensure they are going. As a poster mentioned earlier they might not be because they know you hate surprise parties. Then at least you will have a support network and you can discuss how they can help you (rescue you from awkward conversations, do your speech for you, keep your glass topped up, help rein in your sisters etc).

I would have a discussion with your sisters afterwards and stress if they ever do this again you will walk out/not attend.

badmemory

Maddie57 wrote: »

My advice would be if you feel you have to go is to contact a few of your close friends and ensure they are going. As a poster mentioned earlier they might not be because they know you hate surprise parties. Then at least you will have a support network and you can discuss how they can help you (rescue you from awkward conversations, do your speech for you, keep your glass topped up, help rein in your sisters etc).

I would have a discussion with your sisters afterwards and stress if they ever do this again you will walk out/not attend.

This sounds good & being a nice person - BUT - they know what they are doing is unacceptable/unwelcome. If she makes the mistake of going along with this, what will she & her other sister be bullied into next. As I said, once a bully always a bully.

LameWolf

OP, I couldn't just read and run.

I'm not going to offer advice etc, you've had tons of that, but I just want to wish you the very best of luck, and if you do actually go, I truly hope it's not as awful as you fear.

I say this as one who doesn't do "gatherings" of any kind, let alone surprise ones - in fact I've told my DH if he ever tries to arrange something along those lines for me, I will kill him; and I'd expect him to defend me from anyone else trying to arrange one, also.

123xyz

I feel very sorry for you, I'd hate a surprise like this too. However, as it now will not be a surprise you have time to prepare for it which might make you feel better than turning up in your gardening clothes. Smile your way through and think to yourself "this too will pass". In a couple of months time, it will perhaps not feel like the horror you are currently expecting. Keep your chin up and knock 'em dead x

Happier_Me

I'd start my speech with...

'Well, I don't know what my sisters were thinking when they arranged this for me because those of you that know me well will know I hate surprise parties.
I'm not keen on giving speeches either so I'll keep this short and sweet and handover to the party organisers to say their bit soon...

I wanted to thank everyone for coming tonight, it's lovely to see you...insert some personal messages to key friends here..'



I've cut out some of the speech because I was on a sarcastic roll and I'm sure you don't want to create a scene:D I'd say it all with a smile on your face...and I'd be tempted to buy your two sisters a token gift, ideally something that is acceptable as a gift but that you know they won't like, as a thank you for the 'surprise party'.

Or is this too passive aggressive?