Would you like a surprise party?

bluenose1

Swingaloo you have my sympathy, I would hate a surprise party. Different if they genuinely thought you would enjoy, but that doesn't appear the case.

Think I would tell my sisters I had found out about it rather than have to feign surprise. I would not tell them how I had found out, could be any of those they have invited.

Good luck and hope you are on here in a few weeks saying how surprisingly good it was.

Mojisola

swingaloo wrote: »

If I went away then I would feel so guilty especially because of sister 3 as I know she has contributed to the cost and she is not exactly well off.

Again, she would have been put on the spot about contributing and it will be enough for her managing Christmas.

Sister 3 said to me today that for what it has cost them all they could have sent me for a weekend away and that she had suggested they do that instead but that idea had been poo-poo'd by the others.

It sounds as if you and Sister 3 need to make a pact so that you can stand up to the other two - if either of you feel pressurised by the other two, agree that you can contact the other and get support to resist future bad ideas.

Pollycat

NeilCr wrote: »

I thought you might!

:D:D:D

It isn't 100% OP considering Sisters 1 and 2. Sister 3 is involved and has asked OP certain things (don't say you found out from me) so she has to be aware - and take account - of that. Or are you saying she shouldn't?

How does OP work it out with Sister3 exactly? Cos that's part of the solution.

It's another thread where the self centredeness of some MSE posters becomes apparent. I fully agree that sisters 1 and 2 were out of order. But, OP is where she is and any reasonable person would be aware of the complexities of the situation and not just get into a tit for tat with sisters 1 and 2.

I'd deal with it as described below. Sister 3 isn't to blame. The OP found out by accident.

Mercenary wrote: »

With the OP having stated that they intensely dislike the idea of a surprise party and looking for some reassurance about what to do as they actually want to be supported in their desire to refuse to attend, it's really not very helpful to be advised to go along with it, grit their teeth, get drunk etc. Some people strongly dislike social situations...not just ones like this.

OP just tell your sisters that you have found out and that they knew you wouldn't want it, so to please cancel it all. If they protest, just tell them to have the party for themselves as you want to celebrate your birthday in your own way. I feel horrified for you at the closing-in of the net in this situation.
There is enough time for your sisters to cancel or rearrange the focus of the event.
Your birthday. Your wishes apply.

I too have a sister who loves parties, socialising and arranging events like this and in fact, while staying with her once, she did actually blindside me with a surprise birthday lunch attended by her friends who I didn't know. It was horrible and very uncomfortable! I don't drink either, so it wasn't like I could deal with it that way.
I told her afterwards that she knew I'd hate it and if that ever happened again I would just walk away and not care if I was rude.

NeilCr
You seem to have the idea that I disagree specifically with you.
I don't know why you think that.
I post my opinion. Simply that. I do not look at who the poster is when responding. Clearly, you do.

I'm unsure what you mean about "self-centredness of some MSE posters".
Maybe they are just people who don't share your opinions.
It's not self-centredness to not want a surprise party.
If there's any self-centredness going on, it's from 2 sisters who've decided to go against another of their sister's wishes.
And appeared to have ridden rough-shod over the one sister who seems to know the OP better and tried to turn them away from this surprise party idea.
And to get sister 3 to pay money she can ill afford for a party that's not wanted... that's the height of self-centredness.
'I know best'. But unfortunately, in this case, they didn't.

NeilCr

Pollycat wrote: »

I'd deal with it as described below. Sister 3 isn't to blame. The OP found out by accident.



NeilCr
You seem to have the idea that I disagree specifically with you.
I don't know why you think that.
I post my opinion. Simply that. I do not look at who the poster is when responding. Clearly, you do.

I'm unsure what you mean about "self-centredness of some MSE posters".
Maybe they are just people who don't share your opinions.
It's not self-centredness to not want a surprise party.
If there's any self-centredness going on, it's from 2 sisters who've decided to go against another of their sister's wishes.
And appeared to have ridden rough-shod over the one sister who seems to know the OP better and tried to turn them away from this surprise party idea.
And to get sister 3 to pay money she can ill afford for a party that's not wanted... that's the height of self-centredness.
'I know best'. But unfortunately, in this case, they didn't.

Sorry.

The comment about disagreeing was meant to be lighthearted. Apologies if it didn't read that way. I like how you post and nothing personal was intended in my reply at all.

I totally agree that the sisters have been self centred. I do think that OP should bear Sister3 in mind in this situation which clearly she is doing. She is caught between everyone and not at fault. Others see it differently.

My general remarks about the self centredeness of some posters stand. It's not a question of that just being about whether they agree or disagree with me. I, certainly, don't think that everyone who disagrees with me is self centred. I just think that there are those here who are "me first" all the time without regard to the feelings of others.

Pollycat

NeilCr wrote: »

My general remarks about the self centredeness of some posters stand. It's not a question of that just being about whether they agree or disagree with me. I, certainly, don't think that everyone who disagrees with me is self centred. I just think that there are those here who are "me first" all the time without regard to the feelings of others.

It's simply that some people - you call them self-centred - are just not as into social interaction with other people as you are.
It really doesn't make them self-centred. Just a different personality to you.
I've spent a lot of time pleasing other people.
I now do things to please myself (and OH).
You don't have to like it or agree with it.
You might refer to me as self-centred. In true self-centred style, I really couldn't give a toss. :rotfl:

Funnily enough, quite a lot of other posters have expressed the same opinion as me on this thread subject.

happyandcontented

NeilCr wrote: »

Sorry.

The comment about disagreeing was meant to be lighthearted. Apologies if it didn't read that way. I like how you post and nothing personal was intended in my reply at all.

I totally agree that the sisters have been self centred. I do think that OP should bear Sister3 in mind in this situation which clearly she is doing. She is caught between everyone and not at fault. Others see it differently.

My general remarks about the self centredeness of some posters stand. It's not a question of that just being about whether they agree or disagree with me. I, certainly, don't think that everyone who disagrees with me is self centred. I just think that there are those here who are "me first" all the time without regard to the feelings of others.

I do agree with you. I am certainly no doormat, but in this situation, I would not immediately accord an ulterior or even necessarily self-centred motive to the sisters. Maybe they genuinely thought that once it had been arranged then their sister would actually enjoy it? Or even 'persuaded' themselves that would be the case. In any event, they have gone to expense and trouble to try to make an occasion special for their sister and to make family memories. Ultimately, that will be all that is left of any of us.

I also think that if the vehemence of some posters about this issue and others, is translated into their family lives over something, (which is, in the scheme of things) quite trivial, then it is no wonder there are fractured families all over the place.

Just my opinion of course!

Pollycat

happyandcontented wrote: »

I do agree with you. I am certainly no doormat, but in this situation, I would not immediately accord an ulterior or even necessarily self-centred motive to the sisters. Maybe they genuinely thought that once it had been arranged then their sister would actually enjoy it? Or even 'persuaded' themselves that would be the case. In any event, they have gone to expense and trouble to try to make an occasion special for their sister and to make family memories. Ultimately, that will be all that is left of any of us.

I also think that if the vehemence of some posters about this issue and others, is translated into their family lives over something, (which is, in the scheme of things) quite trivial, then it is no wonder there are fractured families all over the place.

Just my opinion of course!

Erm...
You're saying you agree with NeilCr.
Then you say you wouldn't necessarily attribute the sisters motives as self centeredness.
I think you'll find that even NeilCr thinks the sisters have been self-centred...

NeilCr wrote: »

Sorry.

The comment about disagreeing was meant to be lighthearted. Apologies if it didn't read that way. I like how you post and nothing personal was intended in my reply at all.

I totally agree that the sisters have been self centred. I do think that OP should bear Sister3 in mind in this situation which clearly she is doing. She is caught between everyone and not at fault. Others see it differently.

My general remarks about the self centredeness of some posters stand. It's not a question of that just being about whether they agree or disagree with me. I, certainly, don't think that everyone who disagrees with me is self centred. I just think that there are those here who are "me first" all the time without regard to the feelings of others.

:whistle:
Oh - and FTR my family isn't fractured.

Mojisola

happyandcontented wrote: »

I do agree with you. I am certainly no doormat, but in this situation, I would not immediately accord an ulterior or even necessarily self-centred motive to the sisters. Maybe they genuinely thought that once it had been arranged then their sister would actually enjoy it? Or even 'persuaded' themselves that would be the case.

In any event, they have gone to expense and trouble to try to make an occasion special for their sister and to make family memories. Ultimately, that will be all that is left of any of us.

They haven't tried to make the event special 'for their sister' - they would have arranged something that she would enjoy if that was their intention!

Family members who behave like this continue to do so because they never get called out on it - everyone excuses their behaviour - "Well, it's arranged now", "They probably meant well", etc.

Such events don't create happy family memories - just another time that Sisters A and B made everyone else do something they didn't want to do.

happyandcontented

Pollycat wrote: »

Erm...
You're saying you agree with NeilCr.
Then you say you wouldn't necessarily attribute the sisters motives as self centeredness.
I think you'll find that even NeilCr thinks the sisters have been self-centred...


:whistle:
Oh - and FTR my family isn't fractured.

I was referring to information in the paragraph he bolded;)

Oh and FTR it isn't all about you, it was a general comment as a lot of families seem to have issues causing them not to speak or see each other and often they are for trivial reasons.

NeilCr

Pollycat wrote: »

It's simply that some people - you call them self-centred - are just not as into social interaction with other people as you are.
It really doesn't make them self-centred. Just a different personality to you.
I've spent a lot of time pleasing other people.
I now do things to please myself (and OH).
You don't have to like it or agree with it.
You might refer to me as self-centred. In true self-centred style, I really couldn't give a toss. :rotfl:

Funnily enough, quite a lot of other posters have expressed the same opinion as me on this thread subject.

And, I think there is a difference between not being into social interaction and being self centred.

I do things to please myself and my partner first (as I am sure most do). As one gets older that becomes more the norm.

On occasions, though, we both see a situation where by acting differently that we would want to we are helping out someone else - so we do it.

for the don't give a toss. Like it!