OH terrible at DIY but does not realise it

Lrimas

So, slightly more assertive me is back with an update. I had that "all out conversation" with OH (over watsup - baby steps ) and he has agreed that he won't do any work on the new house. He will convert the garages into an office for homself and can DIY to his heart's content there.

So, victory? Not really. As some of you have noticed we have a much bigger problem in our relationship than DIY. OH did not agree to it because he agrees to it but more in order to get me to shut up about it. There was no apology or offer to pay back some of the money I've spent on getting his mistakes fixed. In fact (according to him), I am much meaner about things than is necessary, aggressive and always ready to snap at him about anything.

The worst is that I think he believes what he is saying and that I am being unreasonable.

I read an interesting article where they mention that a lot of relationships break down when an alcoholic stops drinking. While they are drinking there is an obvious enemy that you can blame all your problems on. If they stop the enemy is gone but the problems remain. I think that is very much what happened here - first it was the drinking, then the withdrawel symptoms, but now there is nothing left to blame.

Anyway, it is time for me to start thinking of an exiting strategy: Wish me luck!

Edit: Decided to remove part of this post for personal reasons.

HampshireH

Exiting as in leaving him?

Please dont move house 1st if this is the case. So many do.

Gigervamp

Lrimas wrote: »

In fact (according to him), I am much meaner about things than is necessary, aggressive and always ready to snap at him about anything.

Turning it back on you is a classic tactic. I hope by "exiting strategy" you mean you're going to leave him. You shouldn't go ahead and buy this new house if that's so, because he'll either need to buy you out, or you'll have to sell it, and if he's started on the garages, he'll already have devalued it, so you'll lose even more money.


Cut your losses and leave asap.

Candyapple

Lrimas wrote: »

So, slightly more assertive me is back with an update. I had that "all out conversation" with OH (over watsup - baby steps ) and he has agreed that he won't do any work on the new house. He will convert the garages into an office for homself and can DIY to his heart's content there.

You do realise that to convert a garage into a habitable room you need planning permission and building regs certificates? You really expect Mr Bodge-it DIY to adhere to the standards? A new office will mean that there will need to be lighting (oh dear, there goes the electrics tinkering again) and putting up shelves and units (lots of nice wonky shelves with unfinished/un-sanded/dodgy painted wood), new flooring (doubt he knows how to level a floor), internal walls may need to be removed (god help you if he decides to remove a loadbearing wall with no support), heating will need to be put in (more tinkering with your boiler and GCH system) etc. Major structural changes without any planning permission or building regs will cost you £££s when you decide to sell, which I thought was exactly what you were trying to get away from.

Also, the chances of him going back on his word are extremely high. As in one day you have a problem with your boiler, or the shower stops working/toilet is blocked/something needs replacing. Any normal household situation and you can bet that he would be there in a shot trying to ‘fix it’ by tinkering with the electrics/water/building himself. What are you going to do in those instances? Moan and hope that he hasn’t messed it up further? Pay for repairmen behind his back when he goes to work? What an unnecessarily vicious life cycle to put yourself through.

By agreeing to this you have not tackled anything. In fact, you've made a rod for your own back now and no doubt he'll throw it in your face with the excuse of "But you said I could DIY in the garage and turn it into an office!"

You’ve literally just tried to move the problem from him DIYing the whole house, to confining it solely to one area. No. Just no. I appreciate you are taking baby steps, but you need to take one huge step. Now. ASAP. Step the eff away from this man, this relationship, this house!

I beg you, please do not buy a house with this man. Do not waste another second of your life with this person. The longer you stay, the harder it is going to be to leave. Don’t tie yourself into a further financial mess with him by buying a new house together – only to leave a few months later. You know you want to leave, you just need to actually do it.

Gigervamp

Completely agree with everything Candyapple said.

Lrimas

HampshireH wrote: »

Exiting as in leaving him?

Please dont move house 1st if this is the case. So many do.

Yes, I think that this relationship is no longer good for me and it is time for me to get out. It's not that easy though (is it ever?) - there's the two dogs that make renting close to impossible (and I'm not giving them up under any circumstances), the house that needs extensive repairs (we can try to sell to an investor but the thought of having strangers in the house evaluating it fills me with terror), a £10k debt in my name for his car (at the time it made sense to put it in my name but now I'm not so sure) and a few other things that I would rather not mention here.

I am luckier than most though - I can cope financially if needed and I don't have to worry about children.

But right now I'm worried about the potential fallout and I don't see a way out without leaving me with either the house that I hate or without the dogs (or potentially losing all of my savings). I want to see if I can solve at least some of my problems. I know people might not agree or might think that I'm a gold digger (which isn't far off as most of my motivations are financial) but the new house is just a two weeks away. It will help solve the dog problem and the current house problem. When the current house sells I can also use part of his half of the equity to repay his debts. I can use my half of the equity to buy him out of the new house. During that time I can see if I can solve my other little problem.

I guess I should also consider the morality of staying with someone when I've already checked out of the relationship. And there is also a chance that I'm just super paranoid right now and that he will pay his debt and help me resolve the current house. There is also the fact that I did put all of my hopes on the new house and I'm struggling with the idea of not buying it. That is just an emotional response and I need to evaluate if that's my main reason for not just walking out now. It is a lot to think about.

Gigervamp wrote: »

Turning it back on you is a classic tactic. I hope by "exiting strategy" you mean you're going to leave him. You shouldn't go ahead and buy this new house if that's so, because he'll either need to buy you out, or you'll have to sell it, and if he's started on the garages, he'll already have devalued it, so you'll lose even more money.


Cut your losses and leave asap.

Am I not doing the same though? One of my objections is that he can't take critism - surely I should take his comments on board. I am possibly the least aggressive person that I know but maybe the "more assertive" me overstepped the line.

These are the things that tend to go through my mad brain each time this happens which is probably why it took me so long to pick up on it. The "always snapping" was a mistake though. I do remember three times in our relationship that I had to close my eyes and take a few breaths, but I don't think that can be considered snapping.

Candyapple wrote: »

You do realise that to convert a garage into a habitable room you need planning permission and building regs certificates? You really expect Mr Bodge-it DIY to adhere to the standards? A new office will mean that there will need to be lighting (oh dear, there goes the electrics tinkering again) and putting up shelves and units (lots of nice wonky shelves with unfinished/un-sanded/dodgy painted wood), new flooring (doubt he knows how to level a floor), internal walls may need to be removed (god help you if he decides to remove a loadbearing wall with no support), heating will need to be put in (more tinkering with your boiler and GCH system) etc. Major structural changes without any planning permission or building regs will cost you £££s when you decide to sell, which I thought was exactly what you were trying to get away from.

Also, the chances of him going back on his word are extremely high. As in one day you have a problem with your boiler, or the shower stops working/toilet is blocked/something needs replacing. Any normal household situation and you can bet that he would be there in a shot trying to ‘fix it’ by tinkering with the electrics/water/building himself. What are you going to do in those instances? Moan and hope that he hasn’t messed it up further? Pay for repairmen behind his back when he goes to work? What an unnecessarily vicious life cycle to put yourself through.

By agreeing to this you have not tackled anything. In fact, you've made a rod for your own back now and no doubt he'll throw it in your face with the excuse of "But you said I could DIY in the garage and turn it into an office!"

You’ve literally just tried to move the problem from him DIYing the whole house, to confining it solely to one area. No. Just no. I appreciate you are taking baby steps, but you need to take one huge step. Now. ASAP. Step the eff away from this man, this relationship, this house!

I beg you, please do not buy a house with this man. Do not waste another second of your life with this person. The longer you stay, the harder it is going to be to leave. Don’t tie yourself into a further financial mess with him by buying a new house together – only to leave a few months later. You know you want to leave, you just need to actually do it.

The garage is detached from the house so my theory was that I'll never have to go in there. "Out of sight is out of mind. ". You do however make some very good points. You are also right and he has already gone back on his word in our current house. I could luckily get our latest problem fixed while he was at work and I was working from home, but if I have to deal with everything by myself then I might as well be by myself - at least then I won't have to hide it.

Gigervamp

Lrimas wrote: »

Am I not doing the same though? One of my objections is that he can't take critism - surely I should take his comments on board. I am possibly the least aggressive person that I know but maybe the "more assertive" me overstepped the line.

Being assertive, and being aggressive, are two different things. If you're not normally assertive, I would lay money on him turning your assertiveness into aggression in his mind. And by accusing you of being aggressive, he gets you to shut up and be reluctant to be assertive in the future. He's gaslighting you. (Look up the term "gaslighting", it will explain it better than I can.) It's a classic tactic used by abusive men, to keep their partners confused. You need to trust yourself, I really don't believe that you are aggressive, he just wants to shut you up.


Try to get him to pay off that loan before you tell him you're leaving, or you'll never see the money again. With it being in your name, he can deny it was for him.