OH terrible at DIY but does not realise it

TBagpuss

It sounds like part of the problem is communication. Could you sit down with him when he next suggests a project, and explain that you are concenred, because the last few didn't turn out too well. Maybe ask him at that point what research he has done, what materials he thinks he will ned, has he costssted it up to see whether it is cost effecitve or if it would be better to pay someone else.

If you can have a discussion rather than it being a ctiticism then he might be more open to suggestions.

I also think it may be worth having a conversation with him at some point when he isn't about to try to start a project and ask him why he wants to do theses things himself? Does he enjoy it - if so, then encouraging him to take courses to improve his skills might be helpful. Or is it that he feels it is his responsibility as the man of the house, in which case maybe reassuring him that his skills lie elsewhere and that he doesn't have to do this in order to be a good husband!

Another possibility - do the jobs with him - that way, you can suggest that you do the research together, watch the you tube tutorials, discuss what you will need, and try to at least catch the mistakes as they happen so you can resolve them then and there . (damp grout is easier to clean off than dried, for example)

CathA

Lrimas wrote: »

ltdr; my OH is terrible at DIY but believes that he is not. What do I do?

Totally unrelated, but what does ltdr stand for please? I've seen it around, can't work out what it means! Thanks.

paddy's_mum

Exactly WHY do you have to go so gently round his fragile feelings when he is totally ignoring yours? You have the evidence of his bodging right in front of you so what level of delusion is he operating under?

In your shoes, I'd have that all out row and if he still insisted on being Mr Know It All, I'd withdraw all financial support so that it wasn't my assets or input he was destroying ie let him wreck his own stuff!

My daughter just bought a house lived in for 20 years by your husband's soulmate. It's going to take a year to undo the chaos - picture rails not screwed in adequately or gaps filled, filler not smoothed but left rough and then glossed over, lining paper pasted up skew-whiff in 6 large rooms, a 2 metre windowsill replaced by a bit of sagging upvc cladding, foam draught excluder painted over with varnish, kitchen worktop cut but left unsealed allowing water to enter any time it pleases, broken kickboard mountings replaced by a binding of masking tape - the list is endless!

Mr Bodge's wife wouldn't have minded but the paint slapped on badly costs just the same as the paint put on with care and skill.

andygb

I somehow feel that these two people are competing, probably not the guy, who just wants to chill out in his spare time, doing something different like DIY, but the missus who says they are both "top 1%" yeah right if you believe that, doesn't want him doing that, because she would rather "project manage" getting a whole bunch of people in to gettting the job done ASAP, throwing money at it.
Just let the guy get on with it and don't get in his way.
I fitted our kitchen decades ago and it lasted 15 years before an accident made us fit another.
I designed and built the cabinets, the kitchen fitter built and fitted them and made a great job of the worktops and appliances, and the electrician (yellow pages - approved) made an absolute mess of the electrics.
My builder mate sorted the electrical problems and we both fitted the marble tiles.
Put a little trust in your hubby, it will go a long way.

chesky

If he thinks he's doing a good job, why has he agreed to you getting in people to sort out the old house when you move to the new? Surely in his eyes there's nothing wrong. Show him how much it has cost to put things right and tell him you can no longer afford to do the same jobs twice.

You could always ask him to build a shed in the garden (but don't go in it yourself). He might develop a shed enthusiasm leading to doing a bit of heavy work in the garden.

Andy, perhaps you're good at DIY but it isn't proof that the OPs husband is. Sounds like she's trusted him too far for too long.

ancientofdays

You might like to consider totting up the hours he would spend on a project and suggest all the fun things you could be doing together in that time if you have professionals in to do it?

My OH is very skilled and a perfectionist but not very motivated though he won't have tradesmen in unless absolutely necessary. So jobs don't get tackled when they need to be. Swings and roundabouts!

-taff

CathA wrote: »

Totally unrelated, but what does ltdr stand for please? I've seen it around, can't work out what it means! Thanks.

tl dr usually means 'too long, didn't read'
it also means used in the context above - here's the short version....

Lrimas

tl dr usually means 'too long, didn't read'
it also means used in the context above - here's the short version....

Thanks - Fixed

TBagpuss wrote: »

It sounds like part of the problem is communication. Could you sit down with him when he next suggests a project, and explain that you are concenred, because the last few didn't turn out too well. Maybe ask him at that point what research he has done, what materials he thinks he will ned, has he costssted it up to see whether it is cost effecitve or if it would be better to pay someone else.

If you can have a discussion rather than it being a ctiticism then he might be more open to suggestions.

I also think it may be worth having a conversation with him at some point when he isn't about to try to start a project and ask him why he wants to do theses things himself? Does he enjoy it - if so, then encouraging him to take courses to improve his skills might be helpful. Or is it that he feels it is his responsibility as the man of the house, in which case maybe reassuring him that his skills lie elsewhere and that he doesn't have to do this in order to be a good husband!

Another possibility - do the jobs with him - that way, you can suggest that you do the research together, watch the you tube tutorials, discuss what you will need, and try to at least catch the mistakes as they happen so you can resolve them then and there . (damp grout is easier to clean off than dried, for example)

Yes - that is true. Communication is a big issue in our relationship as I'm just not very good at talking about things. I also have a tendency to approach things logically and I'm not very good at arguments - I go quiet as I don't know how to deal with it. Edit: It is something that I'm working on but I'm really not there to deal with this yet. I am considering counselling but with all the other costs adding up I'm just not sure where to find the money for it. Once we are settled into our new home I will look at it again. (I also recommended couples counselling a while ago to help us deal with these issues but OH refuses to see a specialist. His dad told him that these things go on his files and future employers will know that he had issues. No amount of reassurance from me that it is completely confidential was enough)

We did do the downstairs bathroom together and that is much better. I cleaned the grout while he did the tiling. That was until it got too high for me to reach and he assured me he would clean it as he went along. I took the dogs for a walk and he off course did not do it. In hindsight I should have stayed or at least checked it when I got back. I still haven't removed all the grout there. Edit: Something else to keep in mind is that I'm not the most handy person either. The downstairs bathroom looks better than the upstairs one (and the shower room) did (before I got a tradesman out to fix it) but it was still obviously done by an amateur.

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Exactly WHY do you have to go so gently round his fragile feelings when he is totally ignoring yours? You have the evidence of his bodging right in front of you so what level of delusion is he operating under?

In your shoes, I'd have that all out row and if he still insisted on being Mr Know It All, I'd withdraw all financial support so that it wasn't my assets or input he was destroying ie let him wreck his own stuff!
...Mr Bodge's wife wouldn't have minded but the paint slapped on badly costs just the same as the paint put on with care and skill.

Thanks He does feel a bit stronger about it than I do. His feelings of being attacked and not feeling good enough (for some weird reason) is much stronger than my feelings of being unhappy in my house (although the waste pipe incident brought it close). I do like your comment about the paint - so true!

andygb wrote: »

I somehow feel that these two people are competing, probably not the guy, who just wants to chill out in his spare time, doing something different like DIY, but the missus who says they are both "top 1%" yeah right if you believe that, doesn't want him doing that, because she would rather "project manage" getting a whole bunch of people in to gettting the job done ASAP, throwing money at it.
Just let the guy get on with it and don't get in his way.
I fitted our kitchen decades ago and it lasted 15 years before an accident made us fit another.
I designed and built the cabinets, the kitchen fitter built and fitted them and made a great job of the worktops and appliances, and the electrician (yellow pages - approved) made an absolute mess of the electrics.
My builder mate sorted the electrical problems and we both fitted the marble tiles.
Put a little trust in your hubby, it will go a long way.

I never said that we are both in the top 1% (I haven't checked but I'm fairly sure that we are not). I made no mention of my own earnings in this post and I only hinted that his was high - I said that he was in the top 1% 'smartness' wise (and that does not necessarily equate to earnings.). I also did not say that to brag but merely to point out that he is not a useless guy (or that people think I think he is useless and treat him that way) - he is far from useless and I recognise that and I'm proud of him.

I don't want to project manage anything either - I'm in fact getting someone out to do it in our old house as I don't feel confident doing it myself. I do not enjoy working with people - I prefer computers . In fact, I so badly did not want to deal with it anymore that we bought a house without first selling the old one. That's how bad it is. That does not mean that I enjoy spending money either: I am working towards early retirement and this is going to take a big chunk of my savings putting me back years. Getting out of the house that caused us both so much misery is worth it though - I just want to ensure this does not happen in our new home.

If he thinks he's doing a good job, why has he agreed to you getting in people to sort out the old house when you move to the new? Surely in his eyes there's nothing wrong. Show him how much it has cost to put things right and tell him you can no longer afford to do the same jobs twice.

You could always ask him to build a shed in the garden (but don't go in it yourself). He might develop a shed enthusiasm leading to doing a bit of heavy work in the garden.

Andy, perhaps you're good at DIY but it isn't proof that the OPs husband is. Sounds like she's trusted him too far for too long.

There are still the unfinished projects that have to be completed (like the skirting boards), the painting needs to be redone in some of the rooms and the holes in the ceiling should be fixed . He agrees on all these things and they were easy to point out as it was not things he got defensive about (except the holes in the ceiling, but I managed to turn that into a joke about how unreasonable the people in general are )

I did however not tell him how much I think it is going to be - I just added it to our stamp duty & deposit for the next house, divided that by two and gave him the final amount that he has to pay for the new house. If he asks I will give him a breakdown (but he does not tend to ask about these things) and if there is any money left over I will either return it or ask him if we can put it towards the new home.

If we go over the budget I'm not sure what I'll do. My initial thoughts were that I'll fund it myself and then pay my savings back when we sell the house.

Edit: I have come to realise that it isn't just his fault that he thinks he is good at it - I'm also helping by trying to hide things in order to spare his feelings as I hate arguments. I'm not sure how he thought that he did a good job in the main bathroom (as we had to get a guy out to fix the plumbing and the tiling). I think that I will have to be more assertive if I don't want the same thing to happen in the new home. And if that hurts in the short term it won't be as bad as having to live in a house where I'm unhappy.

Thanks to everyone who posted comments (I couldn't watch the DIY movie to the end though . Way too much blood). You have given me a lot to think about. I will let you know what I decide

Out,_Vile_Jelly

If he's so smart (1%) surely he can see that paying "thousands" to repair his bodged efforts is a stupid waste of cash? Smart people are interested in learning from their mistakes, in my experience.

Gardens with lawns and hedges require maintenance. If neither of you want to do it, you need to pay someone, especially in summer. Again, this does not require super-intelligence to work out.

dawyldthing

I get where he is coming from. I painted the back of the house. Sure it doesn’t look brilliant but I think it cost me £60 in paint compared to £1000 if I got someone in to do it. A couple of years ago our toilet cistern broke. Had quotes for £100 to fix it. In the end a family friend did it for a couple of quid and we got the part.

Everything costs loads as it’s the labour cost. I don’t blame him trying to do it himself. With the time most stuff can be done himself.

Work out how long it’s took you to earn the money to be paying out the tradesmen. Then work out if you could do it yourself as then the money will stretch further, you could treat yourself to something else.

I wouldn’t touch electrical or gas but most other stuff with a bit of time and patience can be tackled