OH terrible at DIY but does not realise it

chesky

I'd like to know what members of the OPs family think of his attempts. In most families I think there'd be more than a few sarcastic comments, so I'm surprised she needs to come onto a forum to get her thoughts validated when they seem so obvious.

moneyistooshorttomention

Seanymph wrote: »

What's his reason?

He has one for sure.

Find that out, you'll find out why he is so damned determined to be considered successful at something he tanks at.

Just that he is in the 1% I would say.

The 1% know they are very good etc/realise they're much better at a lot of things than the majority of other people. From that - they don't trust other people to do anything even as well as themselves (still less better than themselves).

In most things - they will be perfectly correct in their thinking.

As to how to deal with his Achilles Heel (ie the thing he is much worse at than many other people) - I'll just wish OP luck on that one - as I'd be very frustrated about it myself and be wondering just how to get him to be more self-aware about it.

Thinks - if he is using Renaissance People (as I call it) as role models - eg Leonardo Da Vinci (thinking of one historical example of what I mean) - then would it work to find out just who he has in mind for role models and find out just what it was that they were bad at. That being to prove the point that even top 1% people have things they are bad at - and therefore it's not some sort of judgement on him personally that he has things he is bad at.

"There ya go - Leonardo Da Vinci could do this/that/the other. Wow - what an all-rounder - but he was absolutely terrible at x thing" as an approach to prove to him that everyone has something they are bad at.

piggielady

You may find it difficult to sell your house without a certificate from an electrician to say all works have been carried out to Part P regulations. Also your house insurance may be affected in the case of a claim if the electrics have deemed to be incompetently installed.

Just as a matter of interest, all cabling must run vertically from sockets, switches etc to avoid hitting cables when, for example, putting up pictures.

As an advocate of H&S, the thought of him doing any work is too scary to contemplate.

It sounds as if you are really unhappy. One's home should be a place of calm and respite from the outside world, not a physical and mental minefield to be negotiated.

Good luck with your future.

alan_d

Change OH. Seriously. He's a danger to himself and you.
And sounds like he's doing a good job of de-valuing the house.

I totally get that he wants to do stuff himself to save money, but you need to accept your limitations and pay people for stuff you can't do yourself to a good / safe standard.
Eg, I consider myself an experienced DIYer, with a background in electronics, and i'll happily do most stuff including electrics (in-line with official wiring standards), plumbing etc, but I draw the line at plastering - I accept that I can't do it to a decent finish (well, not without lots of extra finishing work!) so I pay a plasterer to do it!

I feel sorry for the victim who buys your house when you move on and spends years uncovering the bodges and gradually putting them right!

kezzajane

Kick him out & get a dog! :rotfl:

onomatopoeia99

I'm probably "top 1%" for intelligence as well (though not extremely attractive and insanely well built, definitely very much average on both counts), but not at all career driven so definitely not top 1% for income or worth :rotfl:! I know my limits, what I can do well and what I can't, and while I very much prefer to do things myself I will only do so if I know I can do a good job (so I employ a plasterer as that's a black art, but do most other stuff myself).

As for mains electrics, it's easy to do safely, even the notifiable work, the calculations in BS7671 are trivial, but you do have to actually read it and understand it. It sounds like he has just ploughed on without actually doing the necessary research first to allow him to do it properly. That's not a 1% thing, that's a self-confidence / ego thing.

To the OP it sounds like your OH doesn't know or can't accept the limits of their ability and think that because they are good at some things they are good at everything. Sounds like way too much ego (of "self-confidence" if you prefer). This is a fairly fundamental character trait that can't be unlearned. Do you want a self-confident OH (most women seem to rate this as a very attractive trait in my experience) , when this self-confidence prevents them acknowledging the limits of their own capability and making potentially dangerous mistakes?


I don't know about leaving him over DIY, the problem seems more fundamental, it's about communication, or lack of it, and that does break relationships. My opinion for what it's worth is you should try to address that before leaving and make sure he knows what the consequences of it not being addressed are.

Lrimas

Firstly I would like to thank everyone who has posted so far. It has been a fairly enlightening journey so far (and certainly a very emotional one for me). I'm not going to address all the posts but all the input has been taken aboard and I appreciate it.

I do not know if OH is controlling. Yes, I think that it can appear that he is from the outside but what I have figured out is that I am easily controlled. I need to address that unless I want to be controlled for the rest of my life - therapy will hopefully help with that (and the first step to solving a problem is recognising that you have it ). If I have addressed that sufficiently and I still feel controlled (or if I feel like I can't address that inside this relationship) I will leave the relationship.

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

I don't know about leaving him over DIY, the problem seems more fundamental, it's about communication, or lack of it, and that does break relationships. My opinion for what it's worth is you should try to address that before leaving and make sure he knows what the consequences of it not being addressed are.

I think this is important. Right now OH is a bit of an inconsiderate over-sensitive idiot (sorry OH) who does not necessarily realise how hard it is for me.

So I'm going to try a new approach (something that I don't normally do) and talk about my feelings instead of the things that are wrong in the house. I normally try to approach things logically but that has not worked.

So I'm going to tell him how unhappy I am - how I can't go into the downstairs bathroom without seeing the grout or walk into the bedroom without seeing the peeling wallpaper. How I avoid the kitchen due to the gaping holes in the ceiling. How much I hate the shower room because we spent £5.5k on something that I didn't even want. How I avoid the garden because it is a mess despite my (I'll use the word 'our') best efforts and how I avoid the neighbours because of it.

How I'm terrified of using the upstairs toilet because of the poo incident, how terrified I am of using the upstairs bath because of the plug, how terrified I am that the house will burn down and insurance won't cover it, or that it will kill one of us or the dogs. (no children luckily).

How alone I am because I can't talk to him about it without him getting angry and defensive, and finally how terrified I am that the same thing will happen in the new house.

If he ignores me or tries to blame me (he sometimes does that) or pretend that I'm being unreasonable he will no longer be a bit of an inconsiderate idiot but someone who has no regards for my feelings.

(phew, reading that again, I really do need therapy, don't I :eek:)

I will let you all know how it goes!

alan_d wrote: »

I feel sorry for the victim who buys your house when you move on and spends years uncovering the bodges and gradually putting them right!

I would never do that! I know you didn't mean to imply that I would , but I have pointed everything out to the project manager that I'm getting in to refurbish the house (she was also slightly horrified) and I've budgeted a fairly considerable amount to get everything sorted professionally.

I would like to leave the world a slightly better place than I entered it and having a poor first time buyer sort out our mess will not help achieve that

I'd like to know what members of the OPs family think of his attempts. In most families I think there'd be more than a few sarcastic comments, so I'm surprised she needs to come onto a forum to get her thoughts validated when they seem so obvious.

Family is in another country and while I visit them frequently they don't visit here. There is another post of mine about it - I think I might be having a bit more insight into why they don't. I do call my parents every Sunday but we don't really talk about things either (I'm not saying it is their fault that I never learned, but I do think that contributed to my inability to communicate).

amber_cloud

andygb wrote: »

I somehow feel that these two people are competing, probably not the guy, who just wants to chill out in his spare time, doing something different like DIY, but the missus who says they are both "top 1%" yeah right if you believe that, doesn't want him doing that, because she would rather "project manage" getting a whole bunch of people in to gettting the job done ASAP, throwing money at it.
Just let the guy get on with it and don't get in his way.
I fitted our kitchen decades ago and it lasted 15 years before an accident made us fit another.
I designed and built the cabinets, the kitchen fitter built and fitted them and made a great job of the worktops and appliances, and the electrician (yellow pages - approved) made an absolute mess of the electrics.
My builder mate sorted the electrical problems and we both fitted the marble tiles.
Put a little trust in your hubby, it will go a long way.

Except the original poster has clearly stated that he makes a mess of everything and cannot be trusted to do any job properly. The original post has multiple examples of this.

amber_cloud

My house is the same - everything has been completely bodged by a previous occupant who clearly had no idea what they were doing.

onomatopoeia99

Lrimas wrote: »

So I'm going to try a new approach (something that I don't normally do) and talk about my feelings instead of the things that are wrong in the house. I normally try to approach things logically but that has not worked.

Talking about feelings is hard, so I wish you good luck. I'm like you in this respect and approach everything logically, I think almost in the abstract about everything (I'm sure that goes hand in hand with being a total computer nerd). Saying "I'm unhappy because of this (thing) that you are doing" or "why are you acting like this?" (e.g. not talking) is a massive struggle in a relationship for me.

It also means if a friend has a problem I'm not the shoulder to cry on, I'm more a "how can I help you fix this?" person rather than a "there, there, it'll all be OK /hugs " person .