OH terrible at DIY but does not realise it

Lrimas

Edit: Sorry, I missed the £300 'deposit' we paid the plumber. That changes the figures slightly.

dawyldthing wrote: »

I get where he is coming from. I painted the back of the house. Sure it doesn’t look brilliant but I think it cost me £60 in paint compared to £1000 if I got someone in to do it. A couple of years ago our toilet cistern broke. Had quotes for £100 to fix it. In the end a family friend did it for a couple of quid and we got the part.

Everything costs loads as it’s the labour cost. I don’t blame him trying to do it himself. With the time most stuff can be done himself.

Work out how long it’s took you to earn the money to be paying out the tradesmen. Then work out if you could do it yourself as then the money will stretch further, you could treat yourself to something else.

I wouldn’t touch electrical or gas but most other stuff with a bit of time and patience can be tackled

It is a false economy though. If I take the shower room as an example:
He spend £1 897.54 on it initially. While some of this went on equipment that can be reused a staggering amount went on surplus (as he didn't know what / how much to buy) and items that were probably more expensive than needed.

When we got the plumber to redo it he charged us £1 669.36. Granted he only redid some of the plumbing (I should have asked him to redo everything) and we didn't have to buy the shower head - estimate £2k otherwise. That isn't much more than just the materials the first time

We also spend: £349.90 on extra tiles (before getting the plumber in) when OH tried to retile parts of the room.

And we had to get the plumber out again due to a leak in the pipework (that was done by OH - yes, I know I should have asked him to check all plumbing) which cost us £590.

We also have the ceiling to fix (a fairly new ceiling with built in LED lights. All except one of the LED lights blew during the leak). I have no idea how much that is going to be be but my guess would be £1k.

He also took a week off work in order to do it. While this is luckily not something I have to help cover it is a staggering amount (I won't post how much in order not to annoy some posters )

In total:£5506.80
If we had gotten plumber out to start with: £2k
Difference: £3506.8 :eek:

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

If he's so smart (1%) surely he can see that paying "thousands" to repair his bodged efforts is a stupid waste of cash? Smart people are interested in learning from their mistakes, in my experience.

Gardens with lawns and hedges require maintenance. If neither of you want to do it, you need to pay someone, especially in summer. Again, this does not require super-intelligence to work out.

Haha - very true. Unfortunately 'IQ smart' people are often really stupid in other areas

Candyapple

Lrimas wrote: »

I once had to wipe poo of the kitchen cabinet due to a leak in our waste pipes (due to him using incorrect connectors).

Are you serious?! This alone would have resulted in:
1. Calling a plumber to check what he had done and fix it
2. The cost of this would have been paid for by him
3. Any other work that needed doing in the house thereafter would have been done by paid tradesmen with the cost split between you

I would never have been able to trust him with anything else DIY related from that point onwards. If you have/had children, what if one of them caught e-coli from that related incident and had to be hospitalised?

The fact that you have let him continue with his bodge jobs and just picked up the tab by paying tradesmen to fix things when they’ve got too bad is insane. Do you have money to burn? Why are you so reluctant to tell him to his face that he is rubbish at DIY? Not every man is good at it, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Lrimas wrote: »

When he replaced our outdoor tap I asked him if I should go and get him some PTFE tape. He replied with: "what is ptfe tape?".

And the minute he said that, why didn’t you say, ‘OK, it’s time to call a plumber’? You are enabling his ways! If your car was broken, would you to a mechanics/garage to get it fixed? If you broke your leg, would you go to a doctor/hospital to get it fixed? If you answered yes, then why don’t you view your house the same way? If you needed a new plug fitted or something electrical related, would you not call an electrician? If you would allow your OH to do any electrical work then you/he would literally be at risk of death. It’s really not a joke. Would you honestly trust him to know he is doing, to make sure that he had wired things correctly, that he had turned off all the electrics before starting work, used correct electrical tape, made sure that you don’t die of electric shock etc.?

I’m not trying to be funny but often people who are very intelligent in their chosen fields, usually tend to have a lack of common sense in others. My friend’s husband is an aerospace engineer, but when tasked with putting an Ikea sofa bed together he managed to break it by trying to force the hinges on the latch part by doing it the wrong way around. He also put some shelves up but didn’t use a spirit level so it’s unusable. Those are just a few examples. Not everyone is cut out for attention to detail or has the tools/know how to do things. Yes YouTube has made things easier for those amateur DIYers who are capable, but honestly some people are an accident waiting to happen. The bottom line is, if you don’t know what you are doing, leave it to the professionals!!

Lrimas wrote: »

I have spend tens of thousands of pounds on materials for him and on getting people out to fix things (and to fix damage caused by things he did).

Perhaps instead of spending tens of thousands on repair jobs, spend it on therapy for yourself.

Lrimas wrote: »

Each time however that I recommend we get tradespeople in he gets very angry and defensive. He believes that everything should be 'easy to do' despite the fact that it wasn't easy to do in our current house (and it makes me very miserable). He also gets very defensive when I point out things that were done incorrectly (e.g. when I mentioned that he'd put the underlay the wrong way around he asked: "why do you point these things out? It's not as if I can do anything about it". It is so that he can learn from his mistakes but he doesn't seem to get that. He thinks that everything is a personal attack)

Your husband sounds like a self-entitled idiot to be honest with you. Can’t take criticism for doing a bad job and can’t learn from it either and understand the difference between someone pointing out a mistake he had made to learn from it, and it not being a personal attack. He sounds like he has deep underlying issues too and also needs therapy.

Lrimas wrote: »

Last night we had an argument about a bed. We need an extra bed for when his family comes over Christmas. I said I'll buy it (instead of using our shared account) as I want to get a home office built (with my company money) that we can also use as a guest room and I need a bed for it. He said that he can build us a bed instead.

Build a bed? Why??? Does he have a workshop and electrical saw? Or did he plan on just buying some planks of wood from B&Q and using a hand saw to cut jagged pieces and glue them together?

I don’t know why anyone would purposefully want to go out of their way to build a bed themselves unless they were a furniture maker by trade. It’s not normal behaviour. I get the impression that your husband feels that DIY makes him more masculine. Does he lack in masculinity in his job/real life? Do you earn more money than him or something? Has he ever suffered with erectile dysfunction? Low testosterone?

Lrimas wrote: »

It's not just DIY. We are going to have a big garden and big gardens need maintenance. I've tried to maintain our current garden but I'm not very good at it and it makes me very miserable. The only thing OH has done to the garden in 4 years was to cut the grass once (when I tried to get him to take more responsibility for running the household) and to trim the hedges once. He doesn't think that we need a gardener as 'the new garden should be easy to maintain'.

The obvious solution is to pay for a gardener. It’s fairly obvious from what you have written that he is not going to be doing any gardening and you have said you can’t do it yourself so you are going to have to tell him that you will be paying for a regular gardener and to like it or lump it. That way, he can’t moan about it later down the line.

Lrimas wrote: »

Oh, he also has this new plan of buying houses, doing them up and then selling them again. When I said that I didn't want to be involved and was not willing to help finance it he once again got very defensive.

He is living in dreamland if he thinks he can get away with doing a bodge job and asking for premium prices for it, especially on things like finishing touches which you say he does not have an eye for. If you got involved, be prepared to be constantly having to pay to fix anything he touches. So basically doubling the cost of any renovation prices and then deducting that from any sale price, you will probably end up losing money, rather than making any.

I have recently bought a house and we got £20k off the asking price due to the bodge jobs that the husband had done around the house. I’m talking about things like poorly fitted kitchen where the work surfaces aren’t level, one work surface is held up by a dishwasher underneath it! The kitchen sink trap has been held together by cement. Poorly fitted flooring, garden fence fallen down, artificial grass laid incorrectly, toilet not fitted to the floor, bedroom ‘fitted’ wardrobe not level and falling apart, electrics messed up etc. The wife even admitted to us herself that her husband refused to pay anyone to do things and she fully expected to sell for a loss for the cost of future buyers having to correct his mistakes. The whole house is a walking example of bodge job central, it’s awful. I can’t imagine how she lived with it so long (maybe the fact that they were divorcing says a lot). I know I certainly couldn’t. If you want your new property to be nice, you will have to maintain it and make sure your OH and his DIY ways goes nowhere near it.

Kevie192

Perhaps if he kicked the drinking habit and sobered up, his DIY might be a little better?

Why do you feel the need to keep mentioning how well off you are and what you earn? Is it relevant?

I smell a troll.

Lrimas

Candyapple wrote: »

Are you serious?! This alone would have resulted in:
1. Calling a plumber to check what he had done and fix it
2. The cost of this would have been paid for by him
3. Any other work that needed doing in the house thereafter would have been done by paid tradesmen with the cost split between you

I would never have been able to trust him with anything else DIY related from that point onwards. If you have/had children, what if one of them caught e-coli from that related incident and had to be hospitalised?

The fact that you have let him continue with his bodge jobs and just picked up the tab by paying tradesmen to fix things when they’ve got too bad is insane. Do you have money to burn? Why are you so reluctant to tell him to his face that he is rubbish at DIY? Not every man is good at it, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.



And the minute he said that, why didn’t you say, ‘OK, it’s time to call a plumber’? You are enabling his ways! If your car was broken, would you to a mechanics/garage to get it fixed? If you broke your leg, would you go to a doctor/hospital to get it fixed? If you answered yes, then why don’t you view your house the same way? If you needed a new plug fitted or something electrical related, would you not call an electrician? If you would allow your OH to do any electrical work then you/he would literally be at risk of death. It’s really not a joke. Would you honestly trust him to know he is doing, to make sure that he had wired things correctly, that he had turned off all the electrics before starting work, used correct electrical tape, made sure that you don’t die of electric shock etc.?

I’m not trying to be funny but often people who are very intelligent in their chosen fields, usually tend to have a lack of common sense in others. My friend’s husband is an aerospace engineer, but when tasked with putting an Ikea sofa bed together he managed to break it by trying to force the hinges on the latch part by doing it the wrong way around. He also put some shelves up but didn’t use a spirit level so it’s unusable. Those are just a few examples. Not everyone is cut out for attention to detail or has the tools/know how to do things. Yes YouTube has made things easier for those amateur DIYers who are capable, but honestly some people are an accident waiting to happen. The bottom line is, if you don’t know what you are doing, leave it to the professionals!!



Perhaps instead of spending tens of thousands on repair jobs, spend it on therapy for yourself.






Your husband sounds like a self-entitled idiot to be honest with you. Can’t take criticism for doing a bad job and can’t learn from it either and understand the difference between someone pointing out a mistake he had made to learn from it, and it not being a personal attack. He sounds like he has deep underlying issues too and also needs therapy.




Build a bed? Why??? Does he have a workshop and electrical saw? Or did he plan on just buying some planks of wood from B&Q and using a hand saw to cut jagged pieces and glue them together?

I don’t know why anyone would purposefully want to go out of their way to build a bed themselves unless they were a furniture maker by trade. It’s not normal behaviour. I get the impression that your husband feels that DIY makes him more masculine. Does he lack in masculinity in his job/real life? Do you earn more money than him or something? Has he ever suffered with erectile dysfunction? Low testosterone?





The obvious solution is to pay for a gardener. It’s fairly obvious from what you have written that he is not going to be doing any gardening and you have said you can’t do it yourself so you are going to have to tell him that you will be paying for a regular gardener and to like it or lump it. That way, he can’t moan about it later down the line.
He is living in dreamland if he thinks he can get away with doing a bodge job and asking for premium prices for it, especially on things like finishing touches which you say he does not have an eye for. If you got involved, be prepared to be constantly having to pay to fix anything he touches. So basically doubling the cost of any renovation prices and then deducting that from any sale price, you will probably end up losing money, rather than making any.

I have recently bought a house and we got £20k off the asking price due to the bodge jobs that the husband had done around the house. I’m talking about things like poorly fitted kitchen where the work surfaces aren’t level, one work surface is held up by a dishwasher underneath it! The kitchen sink trap has been held together by cement. Poorly fitted flooring, garden fence fallen down, artificial grass laid incorrectly, toilet not fitted to the floor, bedroom ‘fitted’ wardrobe not level and falling apart, electrics messed up etc. The wife even admitted to us herself that her husband refused to pay anyone to do things and she fully expected to sell for a loss for the cost of future buyers having to correct his mistakes. The whole house is a walking example of bodge job central, it’s awful. I can’t imagine how she lived with it so long (maybe the fact that they were divorcing says a lot). I know I certainly couldn’t. If you want your new property to be nice, you will have to maintain it and make sure your OH and his DIY ways goes nowhere near it.

Hey Candyapple,

I did get the poo incident fixed by a tradesperson (and I got professionals out to clean and sterilise the affected area). But I paid half for it - and thinking about it that isn't really fair.

And uhm... he also does the electrics. Without switching the power off. And there is a normal plug in our bathroom. When I expressed concern he laughed and told me that people can't die from the electricity in our homes. Since your post I have done some research and I am extremely concerned now - I'll probably get someone out to fix it asap (especially as the house will be empty for a while and I don't want an electrical fire)

Part of the reason why I let it go so far (other than my natural inclination to avoid arguments) is that you are never sure if you are the unreasonable one. I felt that I handled most of the incidents much calmer than the average person would, but my OH reaction to my complaints makes me wonder if I am maybe being unreasonable (and if I complain more than is reasonable).

The varied responses I've received here have shown that could still be the case. Every story has two sides and even with me just telling my side I still had people who told me I'm overreacting - surely there must be something to that?

I do know that this can't continue though. This is going to sound horrible but I have considered leaving him because of it. Who breaks up because of DIY? It sounds completely unreasonable.

So: I have decided that I am going to be more assertive. I'm not going to be unnecessarily cruel but if he says something like : "everything else that I did is nice" again I will ask him to list the things and try to point out the issues with it. I will probably have to practice as I might clamp down again. I will also try to see if I can find out why this is so important to him. There must be another underlying issue.

I am also going to go to therapy once I'm settled into the new home. Even if I can't convince him to come with me I think it will still be beneficial for me. I can get help to be more assertive, to express myself better and to stop running away from conflicts.

Lrimas

Kevie192 wrote: »

Perhaps if he kicked the drinking habit and sobered up, his DIY might be a little better?

Why do you feel the need to keep mentioning how well off you are and what you earn? Is it relevant?

I smell a troll.

Ahhhh, you must have gone through some of my old posts (which is fairly normal. I also do it from time to time). He did kick the drinking habit. He has been sober for over a year now :T

I apologise for my comment about 'not posting how much he earns in 5 days'. That was a dig at someone who said that I said we both earn in the top 1% (when I had made no such claim). It was probably unnecessary though. I did put a smiley next to it to show that it was a joke, but it must have come across badly.

But yes, it is fairly relevant as it shows that there is not a financial reason to insist on doing DIY instead of getting tradespeople out.

And once again: I mentioned that he is smart and successful in the first post not to brag, but to show that he is not useless (at anything except DIY) and that I don't tend to treat him like he is useless. We also keep our money separate so I get no benefit from the fact that he is a high earner.

Out of interest, do you know how much either of us earns? I do not believe that I mentioned it anywhere.

Lrimas

On that note, here is some interesting reading:

https://www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2011/oct/28/mortality-statistics-causes-death-england-wales-2010

(I couldn't find anything later).

Electrical deaths are very low but do still appear - seems like the cables that we have everywhere are a bigger risk of strangulation. Off course if you add water to the mix then my chance of ending on that list is much higher than I would like.

Electrical fire is also a big concern.

Candyapple

Lrimas wrote: »

And uhm... he also does the electrics. Without switching the power off. And there is a normal plug in our bathroom. When I expressed concern he laughed and told me that people can't die from the electricity in our homes. Since your post I have done some research and I am extremely concerned now - I'll probably get someone out to fix it asap (especially as the house will be empty for a while and I don't want an electrical fire)

Jesus wept. There are literally no words to explain how much of an utter imbecile your OH is. It is a miracle that he hasn't killed himself or you............yet.

Lrimas wrote: »

When I expressed concern he laughed and told me that people can't die from the electricity in our homes.

Does he think we have a special type of electricity in our homes or something? Are you sure he even went to school because that is basic stuff.

Please read these:

https://www.theenergysmartgroup.co.uk/2017/01/07/electrical-safety-matters/

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/4679129.stm

The house that we bought, the one I refer to in my earlier post, there was a big red wire half hanging out of the fuse box (the live wire apparently). When I called the electrician, he said that had I nudged it or touched it, I would have died from the electric shock of all the mains electricity running through me.

I urge you to please get your whole house checked, whatever he has touched or tinkered with. I would absolutely not trust it.

Lrimas wrote: »

Part of the reason why I let it go so far (other than my natural inclination to avoid arguments) is that you are never sure if you are the unreasonable one. I felt that I handled most of the incidents much calmer than the average person would, but my OH reaction to my complaints makes me wonder if I am maybe being unreasonable (and if I complain more than is reasonable).

The varied responses I've received here have shown that could still be the case. Every story has two sides and even with me just telling my side I still had people who told me I'm overreacting - surely there must be something to that?

I don't think you are being unreasonable AT ALL and he sounds like a nightmare partner to me.

Who said that you are overreacting? If anything, I have read posts saying that you need to communicate more in your relationship. You sound like your self-esteem is in the toilet and I bet you that he has a lot to do with that.

Lrimas wrote: »

I do know that this can't continue though. This is going to sound horrible but I have considered leaving him because of it. Who breaks up because of DIY? It sounds completely unreasonable.

Nope, again it's not unreasonable. You don't need an excuse to leave a relationship. The simple fact that you are not happy is reason enough in itself.

From the sounds of it, the bodge DIY tasks are not the reason, more like he doesn't listen to you, ignores your requests to do things properly by calling in professionals and you feeling resentful because you have to pay 2, or 3 times the amount to get it fixed than what it would have cost if you got it done by professionals in the first place and then if you dare point out that he hasn't done a good job, you are met with anger and it is thrown back in your face. Honestly, I'm tired and drained even reading that! Who needs the stress??

Interestingly I get the impression your OH is not a nice person from what you have described, but yet you at almost every opportunity have tried to paint the picture that they are.

Lrimas wrote: »

So: I have decided that I am going to be more assertive. I'm not going to be unnecessarily cruel but if he says something like : "everything else that I did is nice" again I will ask him to list the things and try to point out the issues with it. I will probably have to practice as I might clamp down again. I will also try to see if I can find out why this is so important to him. There must be another underlying issue.

I am also going to go to therapy once I'm settled into the new home. Even if I can't convince him to come with me I think it will still be beneficial for me. I can get help to be more assertive, to express myself better and to stop running away from conflicts.

Yes, therapy is definitely the way forward. Good luck because it sounds like you are going to need it.

silverwhistle

Lrimas wrote: »

And uhm... he also does the electrics. Without switching the power off. And there is a normal plug in our bathroom. When I expressed concern he laughed and told me that people can't die from the electricity in our homes.

I think your number one priority should be reviewing his life insurance policy, and perhaps yours too if you have any dependents.


I think SunnyInterval's comment should also be taken on board, or certainly the academic papers on the cultural bias of IQ tests would make interesting reading.


Edit, and having just read CandyApple's post I agree and can I just confirm that it is him that is being unreasonable.

Kim_kim

Lrimas wrote: »

Hey Candyapple,

I did get the poo incident fixed by a tradesperson (and I got professionals out to clean and sterilise the affected area). But I paid half for it - and thinking about it that isn't really fair.

And uhm... he also does the electrics. Without switching the power off. And there is a normal plug in our bathroom. When I expressed concern he laughed and told me that people can't die from the electricity in our homes. Since your post I have done some research and I am extremely concerned now - I'll probably get someone out to fix it asap (especially as the house will be empty for a while and I don't want an electrical fire)

Part of the reason why I let it go so far (other than my natural inclination to avoid arguments) is that you are never sure if you are the unreasonable one. I felt that I handled most of the incidents much calmer than the average person would, but my OH reaction to my complaints makes me wonder if I am maybe being unreasonable (and if I complain more than is reasonable).

The varied responses I've received here have shown that could still be the case. Every story has two sides and even with me just telling my side I still had people who told me I'm overreacting - surely there must be something to that?

I do know that this can't continue though. This is going to sound horrible but I have considered leaving him because of it. Who breaks up because of DIY? It sounds completely unreasonable.

So: I have decided that I am going to be more assertive. I'm not going to be unnecessarily cruel but if he says something like : "everything else that I did is nice" again I will ask him to list the things and try to point out the issues with it. I will probably have to practice as I might clamp down again. I will also try to see if I can find out why this is so important to him. There must be another underlying issue.

I am also going to go to therapy once I'm settled into the new home. Even if I can't convince him to come with me I think it will still be beneficial for me. I can get help to be more assertive, to express myself better and to stop running away from conflicts.

I couldn’t live with him, I can understand you considering leaving him.

My daughters ex partner was similar but money was tight and that was his reasoning. Everything he did was a waste of materials/messy/Uncompleted.

My ex husband was petty good at diy (careful and tidy) but he knew his limitations and was happy to pay a professional for trickier or bigger jobs.

I think you’re a saint!

Teacher2

This is not so much a problem with DIY as a serious issue with a dysfunctional relationship. The Original Poster, the OP, is being bullied by her bright but controlling partner. He is getting his own way, destroying her house and her peace of mind and she is paying for his bodging in cash and emotional wear and tear.

He is clearly not going to change without some outside intervention and he is resisting counselling because he knows he is in the wrong and wishes to continue to be in charge. His continued belief in himself as a handyman despite creating chaos is evidence of a delusional mindset.

In my view the OP should not buy another house with this man or he will wreck that one too and possibly her emotional stability with it. Neither should she pay to put right the things he ruins as she is spending her early retirement fund - which - came to think of it might be the reason behind his continued bodging as it is a very easy wayway to control her life.

She should seek outside help now although I do not hold out much hope for a long term solution other than that she escapes from a miserable life by leaving. It is clear from her own comments that she understands the quagmire she is in and really needs ‘permission’ to go.