OH terrible at DIY but does not realise it

Lrimas

Edit: Update: OH agreed not to do any work on new house. I have however come to realise that we have a more serious problem than DIY and I'm working on an exiting strategy.

tl;dr my OH is terrible at DIY but believes that he is not. What do I do?

My OH is terrible at DIY. Now before I start, let me just say that there is nothing wrong with being terrible at DIY. I'm also not the most handy person in the world either. The painting and the wallpapers that I did when we moved into our house 4 years ago look terrible. But it doesn't really matter - I'm good at my job and I can get people out to do things going forward. People who know what they are doing and who have an eye for detail.

OH is also amazing at other things. He is smart (not your run-of-the-mill smart but 'top 1%' smart). Successful at work (once again, not your run-of-the-mill successful), extremely attractive and insanely well built (think body builder).

For some reason though he has decided that he also needs to be good at DIY and it is driving me slightly mad.

When I say he is bad at DIY he is also not your run-of-the-mill bad at it. He is really, really bad at it. It mostly boils down to two things:
1) He does not do any research. When he replaced our outdoor tap I asked him if I should go and get him some PTFE tape. He replied with: "what is ptfe tape?". He did some plumbing in our house and we have had so many leaks that I stilll have 3 big holes in my ceiling. I once had to wipe poo of the kitchen cabinet due to a leak in our waste pipes (due to him using incorrect connectors). Our fencing had to be replaced much sooner than normal as he didn't know that he had to put wooden pieces at the bottom to stop the damp rising. He put the underlay on the wrong way around.
2) He has no eye for detail. I've spend hours scraping grout from the tiling that he did (the ones that I didn't have to get completely replaced because they were extremely skew). The wooden floors that he did are nice, but he didn't do any work where they meet other flooring (e.g. between wood & tiles). Now we have nice golden gaps (the colour of the underlay - this is also how I knew that he put it in the wrong way around). Things that he hangs on the walls tend to be skew. He put some shelving up and instead of getting nice shelving he bought pieces of (unsanded and untreated) wood from B&Q and stuck that on our walls.

Now I know that I should count myself lucky that he tries these things, but I just wish that he would stop. I have spend tens of thousands of pounds on materials for him and on getting people out to fix things (and to fix damage caused by things he did). He would also take time off work to do things (badly) when we could pay people who know what they are doing the same or even less than he earns per day.

We are now moving to a new house (I've asked a refurbishment company to come to our current house and just fix everything that needs to be fixed so we can sell it) and I would like our new house to be nice. I want my tiles to be straight, my ceiling lights to work, my ceiling to be hole-less and my floor to be nicely worked off. Each time however that I recommend we get tradespeople in he gets very angry and defensive. He believes that everything should be 'easy to do' despite the fact that it wasn't easy to do in our current house (and it makes me very miserable). He also gets very defensive when I point out things that were done incorrectly (e.g. when I mentioned that he'd put the underlay the wrong way around he asked: "why do you point these things out? It's not as if I can do anything about it". It is so that he can learn from his mistakes but he doesn't seem to get that. He thinks that everything is a personal attack)

Last night we had an argument about a bed. We need an extra bed for when his family comes over Christmas. I said I'll buy it (instead of using our shared account) as I want to get a home office built (with my company money) that we can also use as a guest room and I need a bed for it. He said that he can build us a bed instead. When I said that I would rather buy it he argued: "You don't trust me to do anything anymore, do you". When I pointed out that he's not very good at things he argued that everything that he did was nice except for the wet room. I was so flabbergasted I did not know how to respond.

It's not just DIY. We are going to have a big garden and big gardens need maintenance. I've tried to maintain our current garden but I'm not very good at it and it makes me very miserable. The only thing OH has done to the garden in 4 years was to cut the grass once (when I tried to get him to take more responsibility for running the household) and to trim the hedges once. He doesn't think that we need a gardener as 'the new garden should be easy to maintain'.

Now I know that I am going to end up having to maintain the garden and each time I cut the grass, or deweed, or brush the patio (I hate the noise) I will resent him more and it will make me miserable.

Oh, he also has this new plan of buying houses, doing them up and then selling them again. When I said that I didn't want to be involved and was not willing to help finance it he once again got very defensive.

So what do I do?

a) Do I let him try to do things again (maybe this time he will be better at it - I've thought that before though) which has a very high chance of me paying through the nose to get it repaired (never mind the arguments it will cause if it doesn't go well)

b) Put my foot down and say that we are getting tradespeople, or : Just get tradespeople without even discussing it with him. I'm in charge of the budget and he probably won't even notice

c) Or should I walk around our current house pointing out all the things that were done badly (that still looks horrible, I had to fix or I had to get fixed). That feels unnecessarily cruel and I don't think I'm strong enough to do it .

Any other options? What would you do?

BrassicWoman

But him a college course in plumbing/ tiling / plastering - evenings or weekends.

Grezz24

Personally i would try to explain the issues like you have above, i wouldnt go on the offensive as he will likely get defensive. Id just explain that the quality of work from a tradesman would be better and you would rather go down that avenue.

Rubik

Perhaps in addition to Grezz24's suggestion, you could suggest he does personal projects (building a bird house, or something) - it will give him something to do and potter with, but without impacting on your home and your finances.

He'll still be able to DIY away to his heart's content, and have something to show for his efforts.

Lrimas

BrassicWoman wrote: »

But him a college course in plumbing/ tiling / plastering - evenings or weekends.

That is a good idea - I could get him a course as an extra Christmas present. It would solve the problem of him not doing research and should help with the attention to detail. If it doesn't someone else will have the difficult conversation with him and it won't just be me "always complaining about everything he does."

Grezz24 wrote: »

Personally i would try to explain the issues like you have above, i wouldnt go on the offensive as he will likely get defensive. Id just explain that the quality of work from a tradesman would be better and you would rather go down that avenue.

It is the most reasonable course of action. Note that I don't go on the offensive (I'm not a very argumentative person) but my complaints have added up. This means that he goes on the defensive no matter what I say or how I react and it makes this a very difficult situation to deal with. My guess would be that he does also know that he he is not very good at it (how can he not) he just refuses to admit it as he thinks that would somehow make him seem lesser (or something). On the other hand, his slightly mad plan to buy houses and do them up makes me think that he really has no clue.

Rubik wrote: »

Perhaps in addition to Grezz24's suggestion, you could suggest he does personal projects (building a bird house, or something) - it will give him something to do and potter with, but without impacting on your home and your finances.

He'll still be able to DIY away to his heart's content, and have something to show for his efforts.

Another good idea. The new house has a double garage and he also wants a home office. I can maybe say that if he can prove to me that he can do a decent job in there I'll be happy for him to do DIY in the house. Although... this makes me feel a bit like a 'parent-child' relationship (if you are a good boy I will allow you to do what you want) instead of a relationship between two adults. Maybe I should just stick with your suggestion and ask him to keep his DIY out of our house.

Rubik

Couldn't you pitch it along the lines of you saying you've always fancied having a bench/birdhouse/raised veg bed made from sleepers/etc/etc/etc and that you'd really like it if he made one for you? That would be much kinder than asking him to keep the diy out of the house, or saying that if he can prove himself you'll allow him to take on tasks in the house.

Even if the finished item is crap, a little appreciation will go a long way.

tacpot12

I think you have identified the problem very well; he doesn't have any insight as to just how bad he is. As you say, being bad in one area of skill is not bad, but not realising this is dangerous. Imagine if he thought he could do brain surgery!

You have a legitimate need to move forward the repairs on your current house more quickly than a DIY'er (even a good one) could achieve, so use this to push to use tradespeople to get the place saleable. But you know that he will also do this to the new house if you let him, so you are going to have to be strong and insist that you use tradespeople for anything that needs research or attention to detail (which is basically everything).

I assume the bed you want is for the new house? (I wouldn't put any investment into you old house now). If so, just buy the bed you want. He may be upset, but point out how much time you are saving him. If you buy a bed that just needs feet screwing on, you could let him assemble it, but ask to see the assembly instructions before purchasing any bed to see whether you need a handyman to assemble it - to ensure he doesn't ruin it.

Let him help maintain the garden if he wants to do so, but you are right in thinking that he won't do much in the garden, and you know that you are not very good, so you will need a gardener. This is going to be a tough sell as it is an on-going cost, and one that he may see little value in. I would suggest look at your budget, and try to find a way for you to pay for a gardener and for him to have to pay more of another bill that he is happier about paying.

His new plan regarding buying houses to do up is a disaster waiting to happen. His unwillingness to research things properly will kill him financially. Have nothing to do with this venture financially, but support him if he insists on doing it with his own money (after all the bills for the new house are paid). I save ££110 per month for household repairs; which might cover anything from new carpets/curtains, repairs or replacement of appliances when they ones break, painting and decorating, boiler servicing, etc. I would suggest you encourage him to do the same into a joint savings account, so that you can dip into this pot for tradespeople to repair stuff in the new house. I doubt he will resent you spending the money in this way if repairs just magically happen and he doesn't need to do anything to make them happen.

You could potentially help him with the research for his property venture. I think he will take your advice onboard if you research things that will help him, like where to buy a property, what the top sale price for that property will be, what features will add value to that property and which will not.

Generally, I would say that you just need to approach him gently about things - don't make a big thing of them, just keep pushing your point of view and backoff for a week or so when he gets upset.

Lrimas

Hey tacpot12 - thank you for your very good post. I feel much better after reading through it and I am starting to think that we can overcome the problem (this morning I was starting to consider pulling out of the new house as I didn't want to end up where I am now - staring at the holes in my ceiling )

tacpot12 wrote: »

I think you have identified the problem very well; he doesn't have any insight as to just how bad he is. As you say, being bad in one area of skill is not bad, but not realising this is dangerous. Imagine if he thought he could do brain surgery!

Haha - that would be a disaster. I have to admit that part of the problem is that I just don't get it. If I'm bad at something I just admit it and find ways to work around it. It could be that I'm not giving him enough appreciation in areas that he is good at. I do try (we work in the same industry and I tend to be very positive about the things he does. This isn't difficult as he is good at it). Part of the problem might be that I do feel a bit like I am in a "parent-child" relationship when it comes to the household which will cause anyone to get defensive. I try my best to hide this but things do occasionally slip out (and people can sense these types of things).

tacpot12 wrote: »

You have a legitimate need to move forward the repairs on your current house more quickly than a DIY'er (even a good one) could achieve, so use this to push to use tradespeople to get the place saleable. But you know that he will also do this to the new house if you let him, so you are going to have to be strong and insist that you use tradespeople for anything that needs research or attention to detail (which is basically everything).

For the old house he has luckily agreed to just let me sort it (he will fund half it as well). We are in a very fortunate position where we can afford to buy our new property without selling our old one yet. I used his excitement at the idea of moving to get him to agree to do this and to get tradespeople out to get it to sell asap. I also used the financial impact of paying for two houses to convince him that we need to get it done quickly.

tacpot12 wrote: »

I assume the bed you want is for the new house? (I wouldn't put any investment into you old house now). If so, just buy the bed you want. He may be upset, but point out how much time you are saving him. If you buy a bed that just needs feet screwing on, you could let him assemble it, but ask to see the assembly instructions before purchasing any bed to see whether you need a handyman to assemble it - to ensure he doesn't ruin it.

Yes, the bed is for the new house. Asking him to assemble it is a good plan as it will make him feel useful without it being too dangerous.

tacpot12 wrote: »

Let him help maintain the garden if he wants to do so, but you are right in thinking that he won't do much in the garden, and you know that you are not very good, so you will need a gardener. This is going to be a tough sell as it is an on-going cost, and one that he may see little value in. I would suggest look at your budget, and try to find a way for you to pay for a gardener and for him to have to pay more of another bill that he is happier about paying.

Another good idea. Another source of contention in our relationship is that I generally want to keep bills low (do washing on economy, switch lights off when they are not in use, switch computer screens off when they are not in use) etc. I'm also getting frustrated at having to help fund his diet coke addiction. I can maybe use the gardener as a bit of a bargaining piece for that (I will stop nagging you to switch off your computer screens if you pay anything on the electricity bill that is over x. I will also stop nagging you about the amount of diet coke you drink if you pay for it yourself. In return I will pay for a gardener and we will have a beautiful garden without having to lift a finger). I get what I want (I don't think my requests are unreasonable) and get a gardener without (possibly) having to pay more.

tacpot12 wrote: »

His new plan regarding buying houses to do up is a disaster waiting to happen. His unwillingness to research things properly will kill him financially. Have nothing to do with this venture financially, but support him if he insists on doing it with his own money (after all the bills for the new house are paid). I save ££110 per month for household repairs; which might cover anything from new carpets/curtains, repairs or replacement of appliances when they ones break, painting and decorating, boiler servicing, etc. I would suggest you encourage him to do the same into a joint savings account, so that you can dip into this pot for tradespeople to repair stuff in the new house. I doubt he will resent you spending the money in this way if repairs just magically happen and he doesn't need to do anything to make them happen.

I like it

tacpot12 wrote: »

You could potentially help him with the research for his property venture. I think he will take your advice onboard if you research things that will help him, like where to buy a property, what the top sale price for that property will be, what features will add value to that property and which will not.

Generally, I would say that you just need to approach him gently about things - don't make a big thing of them, just keep pushing your point of view and backoff for a week or so when he gets upset.

Another good plan. I am much better at finance than he is (and for some reason he doesn't mind that) so should be able to advise on location, mortgage, solicitors, etc. I would be willing to take over that part of his new venture and leave him to finance it and do the mad renovations. That way I can support him without being financially affected should things go wrong (off course if he loses enough money that he can not help to pay our bills it would have an impact on my life, but if I'm at least partly involved I should be able to advise him on how much he can risk without that happening).

Seanymph

What's his reason?

He has one for sure.

Find that out, you'll find out why he is so damned determined to be considered successful at something he tanks at.

phryne

I'm afraid I have nothing practical to suggest, but this might raise a smile, for those of us who remember Reg's workshop (and even those who don't!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU2BO5Obg2k

If he's anything like that, OP, I think I'd be hiding the tools!!

silverwhistle

BrassicWoman wrote: »

But him a college course in plumbing/ tiling / plastering - evenings or weekends.

Good idea, and you could also buy him one of those big illustrated DIY books: I have an old one published by Collins. Materials may have changed a bit but the principles remain the same. Youtube is also a great source for instructional videos, both from manufacturers and amateurs.

My copy of the book is not particularly well thumbed. But it's been useful; "Ooh, that looks a bit complicated, I'll find another solution."But as a lady who lives on her own I can at least put up a straight shelf!

Just remind him of the saying from when I worked in IT: RTFM!


Edit: the book is also useful if you are engaging the professionals as it gives you a bit of a clue as to what they need to do.