Partner still married 4 years on

System

No financial orders no, they have had the same agreement in place since separating. He pays maintenance and the Rota for having the children is set in place. All finances/debts/mortgage is cleared.

System

It's something I have raised and he says he has discussed with her but in all honesty, I don't think she will start the divorce as she would then have to pay and she only works 16hpurs/week

Tabbytabitha

1234jk wrote: »

He is committed to our relationship yes and is a wonderful dad.

We do have wills yes.

What legal advice do you mean?

Weeeell, not that committed as he's still married to another woman and is, technically, committing adultery with you.

anna_1977

Hmmm, in that case sounds like he could do a DIY divorce - about £400 and done in 12 weeks

Maybe he's more worried about getting remarried and it going wrong. He might just want to get divorced and live with you, not marry?

Tabbytabitha

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

What cake do you think he is having from the ex? I certainly can't figure it out. Aside from not rocking the boat with regard to the children from the marriage, I see no upsides to remaining married.

I do think the OP needs some new friends though, if the current set are the sort of busibodies that want to know what's going on in a relationship. You simply do not ask if or when someone is getting married, just as you do not ask if someone is or planning to have children, it shows a complete lack of respect for the person you are asking and their privacy. I cut people like that out of my life. Can't be doing with fishwives, gossips and busibiddies.

The upside of remaining married is that he isn't free to marry the OP.:D

phryne

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

What cake do you think he is having from the ex? I certainly can't figure it out. Aside from not rocking the boat with regard to the children from the marriage, I see no upsides to remaining married.

I do think the OP needs some new friends though, if the current set are the sort of busibodies that want to know what's going on in a relationship. You simply do not ask if or when someone is getting married, just as you do not ask if someone is or planning to have children, it shows a complete lack of respect for the person you are asking and their privacy. I cut people like that out of my life. Can't be doing with fishwives, gossips and busibiddies.

Regarding your first paragraph it sounded to me like he might be wanting to keep his options open.

As for affording a divorce, I would think they'd need a solicitor to divvy up the property (if they owned one) and any assets.

phryne

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

The upside of remaining married is that he isn't free to marry the OP.:D

Yes, that too, good point.

Comms69

Well up until now he couldn’t divorce her anyway. Now that it’s 5 years, no consent is a required.

BUT I suspect the lack of movement on the divorce issue is much more to do with not rocking the boat than your relationship. Things are stable at the minute and marriage isn’t a necessity.

mattpaint

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

I do think the OP needs some new friends though, if the current set are the sort of busibodies that want to know what's going on in a relationship. You simply do not ask if or when someone is getting married, just as you do not ask if someone is or planning to have children, it shows a complete lack of respect for the person you are asking and their privacy. I cut people like that out of my life. Can't be doing with fishwives, gossips and busibiddies.

So if a friend asked if you were planning to get married or have children you would cut them out of your life? Goodness what a strange view of friendship you have!

mattpaint

1234jk wrote: »

Hi,

Looking for some other perspectives on a situation that I'm not happy with.

My partner has been separated for 5 years. All finances have been separated, arrangements for the children (he has 50/50 shared care) have been sorted and running this way for 5 years. We have been together for 4 years and have an almost 2 year old child together.

He has previously asked for a divorce before we had our son but his wife told him that she wasn't ready. Despite me saying that it bothered me, he didn't persue the divorce. Now, he says that he can't afford it (money is tight due to car problems and nursery fees) yet keeps saying we could get engaged anyway and he will divorce soon. I have said no. He needs to get his old house in order before I say yes. This is the man I want to be with, spend my life with.

However, I am concerned at the lack of commitment to divorce. I myself divorced and skrimped and saved to afford it as a single mum with no child maintenance payments, working full time. My ex also said he wasn't ready but my response was that I wasn't going to get back with him, it was done and so staying married benefited no one. I was clear with where our relationship now stood. I don't feel my partner is being clear.

He understands that it upsets me, people ask when we are getting married all the time. People assume we are already married. And each time, it hurts and in all honesty makes me angry. I would like my feelings to be priority in this. Not his wife's. I feel like OUR family should take priority and building our family should be his first thought.

He knows he can pay online to divorce and only pay court fees but still doesn't seem to want to push it.

Am I being unreasonable in saying this needs to be done? Is his concern about the money I volved valid based on the current family situation?

It seems very obvious to me that he is trying to keep the status quo so as not to rock the boat with regards to his children.

It's very, very easy for a woman or a mother to not understand that for most divorced/separated men - losing access to their children is a very real and very serious concern that can have devastating consequences on both children and the father, and there isn't an easy, or indeed a difficult in many cases, way of fixing it.

You may not understand it - but if you feel that your feelings are more important than ensuring his children do not lose him from his life, then I'm afraid you'll lose that battle.