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Partner still married 4 years on
Legacy_user
Posts: 0 Newbie
Hi,
Looking for some other perspectives on a situation that I'm not happy with.
My partner has been separated for 5 years. All finances have been separated, arrangements for the children (he has 50/50 shared care) have been sorted and running this way for 5 years. We have been together for 4 years and have an almost 2 year old child together.
He has previously asked for a divorce before we had our son but his wife told him that she wasn't ready. Despite me saying that it bothered me, he didn't persue the divorce. Now, he says that he can't afford it (money is tight due to car problems and nursery fees) yet keeps saying we could get engaged anyway and he will divorce soon. I have said no. He needs to get his old house in order before I say yes. This is the man I want to be with, spend my life with.
However, I am concerned at the lack of commitment to divorce. I myself divorced and skrimped and saved to afford it as a single mum with no child maintenance payments, working full time. My ex also said he wasn't ready but my response was that I wasn't going to get back with him, it was done and so staying married benefited no one. I was clear with where our relationship now stood. I don't feel my partner is being clear.
He understands that it upsets me, people ask when we are getting married all the time. People assume we are already married. And each time, it hurts and in all honesty makes me angry. I would like my feelings to be priority in this. Not his wife's. I feel like OUR family should take priority and building our family should be his first thought.
He knows he can pay online to divorce and only pay court fees but still doesn't seem to want to push it.
Am I being unreasonable in saying this needs to be done? Is his concern about the money I volved valid based on the current family situation?
Looking for some other perspectives on a situation that I'm not happy with.
My partner has been separated for 5 years. All finances have been separated, arrangements for the children (he has 50/50 shared care) have been sorted and running this way for 5 years. We have been together for 4 years and have an almost 2 year old child together.
He has previously asked for a divorce before we had our son but his wife told him that she wasn't ready. Despite me saying that it bothered me, he didn't persue the divorce. Now, he says that he can't afford it (money is tight due to car problems and nursery fees) yet keeps saying we could get engaged anyway and he will divorce soon. I have said no. He needs to get his old house in order before I say yes. This is the man I want to be with, spend my life with.
However, I am concerned at the lack of commitment to divorce. I myself divorced and skrimped and saved to afford it as a single mum with no child maintenance payments, working full time. My ex also said he wasn't ready but my response was that I wasn't going to get back with him, it was done and so staying married benefited no one. I was clear with where our relationship now stood. I don't feel my partner is being clear.
He understands that it upsets me, people ask when we are getting married all the time. People assume we are already married. And each time, it hurts and in all honesty makes me angry. I would like my feelings to be priority in this. Not his wife's. I feel like OUR family should take priority and building our family should be his first thought.
He knows he can pay online to divorce and only pay court fees but still doesn't seem to want to push it.
Am I being unreasonable in saying this needs to be done? Is his concern about the money I volved valid based on the current family situation?
0
Comments
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Why did you have a child with a man who is stalling on divorcing his ex wife? Is he committed to your relationship? Does he put you first? Have you made wills?
I'd suggest you get some legal advice if you haven't.0 -
So, he's not against marriage, just against marrying you.
He's not against divorce, just against divorcing his ex wife.
Is he a catch?0 -
He is committed to our relationship yes and is a wonderful dad.
We do have wills yes.
What legal advice do you mean?This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com0 -
Answers to your 2 questions
No - although pedantically, it's not a need, it's a want.
Possibly - we don't know what your finances are.Non me fac calcitrare tuum culi0 -
In terms of finances I was more thinking along the lines of how expensive the divorce could turn out to be taking into account how everything has already been separated. Are there any costs that I may be unaware of?This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com0
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Why did you have a child with a man who is stalling on divorcing his ex wife?
I suspect she fell for the "oh but I AM getting a divorce.. soon" line. Many women do, sadly.He has previously asked for a divorce before we had our son but his wife told him that she wasn't ready. Despite me saying that it bothered me, he didn't persue the divorce. Now, he says that he can't afford it (money is tight due to car problems and nursery fees) yet keeps saying we could get engaged anyway and he will divorce soon.
It does sound to me like he wants to have his cake and eat it. I could be wrong, of course - I don't know either of you. Is the wife still 'not ready' for a divorce, despite her husband going and having a baby with another woman?0 -
I guess I did fall for it. Can't help who you fall in love with, not ideal but he is a good man.
She now says that she is ready but now we are not in a great financial position. Not on our knees but we do have to be careful with our money.This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com0 -
In terms of finances I was more thinking along the lines of how expensive the divorce could turn out to be taking into account how everything has already been separated. Are there any costs that I may be unaware of?
As long as they have amicably come to arrangements regading child care and maintenance, and splitting of assets, any outstanding debt or motgage, then, no, it'll just be the divorce.Non me fac calcitrare tuum culi0 -
when you say everything is finalised do you mean there's a financial order in place already thorough the courts?0
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What cake do you think he is having from the ex? I certainly can't figure it out. Aside from not rocking the boat with regard to the children from the marriage, I see no upsides to remaining married.It does sound to me like he wants to have his cake and eat it.
I do think the OP needs some new friends though, if the current set are the sort of busibodies that want to know what's going on in a relationship. You simply do not ask if or when someone is getting married, just as you do not ask if someone is or planning to have children, it shows a complete lack of respect for the person you are asking and their privacy. I cut people like that out of my life. Can't be doing with fishwives, gossips and busibiddies.Proud member of the wokerati, though I don't eat tofu.Home is where my books are.Solar PV 5.2kWp system, SE facing, >1% shading, installed March 2019.Mortgage free July 20230
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