Made A Terrible Mistake

harrys_nan

I think you come over as selfish, had an affair with a married man and now you are deciding that he cannot be part of the child's life, which he clearly does want.
Seems to me you want it all your way.
Every child deserves to know BOTH its parents

Seanymph

You are going to be a mum. That's a huge thing, and the first thing that you will have to get your head around is that to be the sort of mum who can get up every morning and look at yourself in the mirror you need to be prioritising the needs of your child.

You don't always have to prioritise their wants (believe me, sometimes you work out what they want, look at what you want and say no way!)....

Now, your child has the right to have a relationship with two parents, with two sets of grandparents, with extended aunts, uncles, cousins - in fact family on both sides. They get a lot from that as they grow up (if of course there is family to be had). They don't get so much from being the kid in the class who can't answer what their dad does because they have been left in a situation to say 'I don't know who he is'.

Now to put the father on the birth certificate you will have to take him with you - which would give him parental rights.

Now you may choose not to, which means in 30 years time when your child gets married they will be at the church/registry office filling in the form and will have to put 'unknown' for father. I use this as an example to show how far reaching your current decisions will be.

The repercussions of your decisions now will go on for years - a second generation with missing grandparents? Grandparents who have a grandchild they know is out there but have never had the opportunity to love.

You say you are financially independent - great - but your child will need A LOT of financial support - who are you to turn that down on their behalf? Apart from anything else your financial situation may change drastically.

You are at the beginning of a very long relationship with your child, and whether he is in your life or not also with your child's father.

I wouldn't be too quick to shove a supportive man out of the door.

You want your child to have every advantage, grow up balanced, achieve? Don't start their life by denying them the social, emotional and financial benefits of having two involved parents and two involved families without a deal of soul searching and frankness about just how selfish you are being.

Unfortunately, you lost the right to put yourself first when you conceived, now your a mum you have to do the right thing by your unborn child.

shiny76

Mylife wrote: »

I have tried to tell him that I do not wish to still be involved with him but he keeps calling, texting asking how I am.He is also offering money but I have said no. I'm thinking of moving and changing my no, but that would mean leaving my well paid job . Any suggestions on how I can deal with this.

You may have grounds to complain to the police about harassment (e.g. if this contact is distressing you) link.

This may have adverse consequences should the police pay him a visit. Only you can decide if it's something to pursue.

barbarawright

Once the child is born, it's very unlikely that a court would deny the father access. Do you want your child to know you fought a caught case to prevent him / her from seeing his/her father?

Assuming this is a true story of course. It seems very quick work to me.

tacpot12

I just wanted to say that if he has offered to provide financial support, you should accept this. You don't know what may happen in the future, so you should take anything he offers.

I would spend it all on the child unless less he pays more than the child actually needs, in which case, start an ISA for the child with the excess.

Mylife

Thank you all for your replies you all raise good points, unfortunately I can not comment on each individually but will try to explain more. The guy is married with 3 children which is why I do not want to tell the wife as the fall out will be worse.

Shiny76 I appreciate your comment however he is not really harrassing me, all he does is send messages asking how I am etc. I have blocked him on f/b . I think I might just block him on my phone.

I get that it's selfish to want to keep him away from the baby but looking at the situation, it might be the best.

Fbaby like I said I know I'm wrong but I cannot change the past, I'm not looking for financial help as stated in my original post.

Fireflyaway you are right a child has the right to know it's father unfortunately it's not always as simple.

Pollycat I agree it is better if he tells her otherwise it will appear as vindictive.

Judi you are right we are both to blame, and I hold my hands up.

To those I didn't name, I agree with all your comments. My fear is he has more to lose if his wife found out. I have done enough damage and my plan (not well thought) was to keep quiet and just have the baby.

Pollycat

Mylife wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies you all raise good points, unfortunately I can not comment on each individually but will try to explain more. The guy is married with 3 children which is why I do not want to tell the wife as the fall out will be worse.

Shiny76 I appreciate your comment however he is not really harrassing me, all he does is send messages asking how I am etc. I have blocked him on f/b . I think I might just block him on my phone.

I get that it's selfish to want to keep him away from the baby but looking at the situation, it might be the best.

Fbaby like I said I know I'm wrong but I cannot change the past, I'm not looking for financial help as stated in my original post.

Fireflyaway you are right a child has the right to know it's father unfortunately it's not always as simple.

Pollycat I agree it is better if he tells her otherwise it will appear as vindictive.

Judi you are right we are both to blame, and I hold my hands up.

To those I didn't name, I agree with all your comments. My fear is he has more to lose if his wife found out. I have done enough damage and my plan (not well thought) was to keep quiet and just have the baby.

Best for who though?
You?
Your priority is your (as yet unborn) child.


Don't reject financial assistance for your child to make your life - and maybe your ex-lover's wife's life - easier.


As for what he has to lose, he should have considered that before starting an affair.
Any damage you have done is far outweighed by the damage he has done to his wife and children.

Mylife

Pollycat I guess you are right, I should do what is best for the baby . It's all a mess but I have to deal with it.

Red-Squirrel_2

Judi wrote: »

Not all men are bum wipes you know/QUOTE]

He cheated on his wife 8 weeks ago and didn't even bother to use a condom. Right thing?

System

Judi wrote: »

Not all men are bum wipes you know/QUOTE]

He cheated on his wife 8 weeks ago and didn't even bother to use a condom. Right thing?

Nope hes been an idiot but she's an idiot too for not insisting he did.