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Made A Terrible Mistake

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
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  • Marvel1Marvel1 Forumite
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    He is the father and has just has equal rights as you in terms of bonding after the birth.
  • Callie22Callie22 Forumite
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    hazyjo wrote: »
    Not sure I agree. I was adopted and have no knowledge of mine and wouldn't trace saying they owed me that information. What difference does it honestly make? Does everyone worry about dying from what their grandparents did, or being more at risk of getting certain diseases. From what I've seen, it's as much a hindrance, if not more so, than not knowing.


    It can be useful to know. My parents divorced when I was very young and we were, to all intents and purposes, disowned by my father and his side of the family. Tbh that doesn't really bother me but as I'm getting older I've started to suffer from some health issues, including problems with my sight that I've been told may be hereditary. As far as I'm aware nobody on my mother's side has this issue so it most likely is something on my father's side. Knowing about this wouldn't have stopped it happening but I probably would have been a bit more proactive in keeping on top of it if I'd known that there might be an hereditary issue, and of course I could have mentioned this to medical people had I known.

    I'd guess it's different for everyone but for me I'd just like to know if, for example, there was a history of something like breast cancer in the family, since we know in some cases there can be hereditary factors in that. My OH's mum had Huntington's and that's impacted on decisions we've made as a couple, we would probably have made different decisions had we not known. I do feel quite strongly that children have a right to know their family medical history (where possible, I appreciate it's not always something that can happen) just so that they can make informed choices about things like medical treatment and families. I suppose in a lot of ways knowing things is a hindrance, but to me it's better to have a choice to know, or not, rather than have no choice at all.
  • PollycatPollycat Forumite
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    *Robin* wrote: »
    Every child has the right to know her/his father.
    cjdavies wrote: »
    He is the father and has just has equal rights as you in terms of bonding after the birth.
    +1 to these ^^^^


    Whether you still want to be involved with him or not (not sure if you mean sexually or no contact at all), you will be linked forever through this child.
  • onomatopoeia99onomatopoeia99 Forumite
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    Mylife wrote: »
    I have tried to tell him that I do not wish to still be involved with him but he keeps calling, texting asking how I am.
    It's not about you. It's about the child and their right to know their father.

    Just because you have the uterus doesn't give you the moral right to decide whether or not the child has their father in their life.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek. Home is where my books are.

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  • FBabyFBaby Forumite
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    So you had an affair with a married man. You didn't ensure to fully protect yourself. You get pregnant, it is out only weeks after, you already know you want to keep it and you want the father out the picture but already discussing what maintenance you could get.

    Sorry but this is coming out that you just looked for an easy target to get pregnant to have a baby for yourself whilst getting decent maintenance and not care what bit that a child deserves the chance to build a bond with both parents however much possible. Really hope this is not the case but it all comes out as quite calculated here.
  • OakdeneOakdene Forumite
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    cjdavies wrote: »
    He is the father and has just has equal rights as you in terms of bonding after the birth.


    ^^^^this^^^^


    How many times do we hear about women berating a man for not wanting to know in this situation. This guy, from what you've said, wants to play his part in the upbringing of his child.
    Dwy galon, un dyhead,
    Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
    Dwy raff yn cydio’n ddolen,
    Dau enaid ond un taith.
  • FireflyawayFireflyaway Forumite
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    I think it would be unfair on the child to be denied a father or at least knowing who the father is. You have messed up and you need to face up to the consequences not do a runner.
    Does this man have other kids? If my dad cheated on my mum and created a step brother or sister id want to know.
    It's all very well saying you can afford to look after a child but what about the emotional side of things? Prepare to be hated. It won't just be his wife you upset but her family and friends. Your child might not be best pleased when old enough to understand how they came into the world.
    What's done is done but I really do think you need to deal with it. Tell his wife for a start. She deserves to make a choice about her future. Yes it's her husband that cheated but you enabled it.
  • PollycatPollycat Forumite
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    FBaby wrote: »
    So you had an affair with a married man. You didn't ensure to fully protect yourself. You get pregnant, it is out only weeks after, you already know you want to keep it and you want the father out the picture but already discussing what maintenance you could get.

    Sorry but this is coming out that you just looked for an easy target to get pregnant to have a baby for yourself whilst getting decent maintenance and not care what bit that a child deserves the chance to build a bond with both parents however much possible. Really hope this is not the case but it all comes out as quite calculated here.
    In fairness to the OP, she says she can financially provide for the baby herself and has said 'no' to the Father who has 'offered money'.

    I think she only mentioned CSA (in a negative 'I don't want or need his money' sort-of way) as an earlier poster suggested she contact them.

    I think it would be fair to the child for its Father to contribute, even if the money isn't immediately needed it could be invested for its future.

    To the OP:
    Mylife wrote: »
    Thank you all for your replies, someone close to both of us told him, unfortunately I had to tell a few people including friends and family , that's how it came out . As for telling his wife I have already done so much damage and do not want to cause more misery ( should have thought of it before) As for CSA , although he earns more than me I do have a good job and can comfortably provide for the baby.

    I appreciate your replies
    If you're saying she is currently unaware of the situation, I think it will only be a matter of time before she finds out.
  • PollycatPollycat Forumite
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    I think it would be unfair on the child to be denied a father or at least knowing who the father is. You have messed up and you need to face up to the consequences not do a runner.
    Does this man have other kids? If my dad cheated on my mum and created a step brother or sister id want to know.
    It's all very well saying you can afford to look after a child but what about the emotional side of things? Prepare to be hated. It won't just be his wife you upset but her family and friends. Your child might not be best pleased when old enough to understand how they came into the world.
    What's done is done but I really do think you need to deal with it. Tell his wife for a start. She deserves to make a choice about her future. Yes it's her husband that cheated but you enabled it.
    I agree that the wife deserves to know the truth.
    But I think the responsibility for that rests squarely on the shoulders of her husband, the bloke who cheated on her.
    If my OH cheated on me, I'd want to hear about it from him, not the bit-on-the-side he slept with.
    That's just cruel and cowardly on his part and would probably come across as vindictive on hers.
  • gettingtheresometimegettingtheresometime Forumite
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    FBaby wrote: »
    So you had an affair with a married man. You didn't ensure to fully protect yourself. You get pregnant, it is out only weeks after, you already know you want to keep it and you want the father out the picture but already discussing what maintenance you could get.

    Sorry but this is coming out that you just looked for an easy target to get pregnant to have a baby for yourself whilst getting decent maintenance and not care what bit that a child deserves the chance to build a bond with both parents however much possible. Really hope this is not the case but it all comes out as quite calculated here.


    Do you know I was wondering the complete opposite.


    I was wondering if the man engineered this as perhaps he wanted a family and his wife didn't, or possibly couldn't.


    Whilst his actions seem honourable (only in the sense that he's willing to support the child) they seem on another hand a little creepy.
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott / Argos Card / JD Williams cleared :) thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge
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