Made A Terrible Mistake

badmemory

You've another 32 weeks to make a final decision. Why not just let the dust settle & see how you feel nearer the time and of course how he feels too.

thorsoak

Mylife wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies you all raise good points, unfortunately I can not comment on each individually but will try to explain more. The guy is married with 3 children which is why I do not want to tell the wife as the fall out will be worse.

Shiny76 I appreciate your comment however he is not really harrassing me, all he does is send messages asking how I am etc. I have blocked him on f/b . I think I might just block him on my phone.

I get that it's selfish to want to keep him away from the baby but looking at the situation, it might be the best.

Fbaby like I said I know I'm wrong but I cannot change the past, I'm not looking for financial help as stated in my original post.

Fireflyaway you are right a child has the right to know it's father unfortunately it's not always as simple.

Pollycat I agree it is better if he tells her otherwise it will appear as vindictive.

Judi you are right we are both to blame, and I hold my hands up.

To those I didn't name, I agree with all your comments. My fear is he has more to lose if his wife found out. I have done enough damage and my plan (not well thought) was to keep quiet and just have the baby.

I have read your posts, and although you protest that you do not want to make trouble for the sperm donor - for that is what you used him as - but what trouble do you think will happen in 16 or 18 years time, when the baby which you created between you, appears on his doorstep, knocking and asking about his father and his/her half siblings?

If you wanted a child to bring up as yours alone, it would have been better to have gone to a clinic which would have helped you.

As it is, you have chosen as your sperm donor, a man who is prepared to accept his responsibilities and wishes to be part of the child's life.

Mylife

Badmemory you are right maybe I need to stop stressing and see how it goes. Worrying will not change anything. I will update him periodically if I have to, other than that I will not communicate with him.

Mylife

Kynthia wrote: »

Is it in your child's best interest to not have their father in their life? You don't need to be in a relationship with each other if you don't want to be.

Oakdene wrote: »

^^^^this^^^^


How many times do we hear about women berating a man for not wanting to know in this situation. This guy, from what you've said, wants to play his part in the upbringing of his child.

thorsoak wrote: »

I have read your posts, and although you protest that you do not want to make trouble for the sperm donor - for that is what you used him as - but what trouble do you think will happen in 16 or 18 years time, when the baby which you created between you, appears on his doorstep, knocking and asking about his father and his/her half siblings?

If you wanted a child to bring up as yours alone, it would have been better to have gone to a clinic which would have helped you.

As it is, you have chosen as your sperm donor, a man who is prepared to accept his responsibilities and wishes to be part of the child's life.

I agree, only this was not planned but it's happened and I have to deal with it. I will admit once I discovered I was pregnant I hoped he would run a mile, selfish but wanted to avoid complications. I'm almost annoyed at his enthusiasm.

Robisere

" I'm almost annoyed at his enthusiasm."

Is that what it is? Or just a man who wants to be involved in his child's life? No matter who is right or wrong here - and IMO you are both in the wrong* - as a young man who was denied all access to a child who was adopted and out of my life before I even saw her, at the age of 20, I can relate to this man. Somewhere there is a daughter I have never met: I was not married, but the girl involved, a student I met whilst in the Army and fell in love with, told me that she wanted a child to get out of Uni and back to her wealthy family. That really rebounded on her, as they would not have me in the family and they made her adopt. All done miles away, in a location I didn't know. This had an impact when I finally had a relationship abroad with someone who judged me as too "needy" with our two children, and booted me out, back to the UK I went.


Over 50 years later, I married, have another family, but still grieve over all that, in my own mind. Why do women think that they have the strongest feelings for their own children?


*He is wrong to have an affair with another woman, whilst being married with 3 children. Someday they are going to be badly hurt by all this. *She is wrong to have an affair with a married man, knowing he has children. Who was supposed to be taking precautions, is the question that should lead to one of them incurring further blame. Both of them are going to be responsible for hurting the ones who should matter: 4 children who will inevitably suffer.


What a mess!

thorsoak

Mylife wrote: »

I agree, only this was not planned but it's happened and I have to deal with it. I will admit once I discovered I was pregnant I hoped he would run a mile, selfish but wanted to avoid complications. I'm almost annoyed at his enthusiasm.

I'd lay odds that you aren't the only one annoyed at his enthusiasm - I do not expect his wife to be over the moon when he tells her - oh by the way, I had unprotected sex with someone who is now pregnant and I want to be involved in the child's life.

This is going to get nasty.....

System

There are no winners here, only losers. Losers all round and there are 4 children stuck in the middle. One thing I've tried to pump into my kids is 'take charge of your own fertility'.

Pollycat

OP
I posted this yesterday:

Pollycat wrote: »

My thoughts too.
'wanting to go to appointments'
'suggesting names'


Not - imho - the sort of reaction a married man whose mistress has announced she's pregnant would be expected to have.

Why do you think (or maybe you actually know) why this bloke - with a wife and 3 children - is so keen to get involved so publicly in this child's life?


You've already mentioned what he 'has to lose' if his wife finds out.
So why is he so keen?

onomatopoeia99

Pollycat wrote: »

Why do you think (or maybe you actually know) why this bloke - with a wife and 3 children - is so keen to get involved so publicly in this child's life?


You've already mentioned what he 'has to lose' if his wife finds out.
So why is he so keen?

You want to know why a parent is keen to be part of their child's life?



What kind of parent isn't?

Pollycat

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

You want to know why a parent is keen to be part of their child's life?



What kind of parent isn't?

Erm...the kind of parent who has been having an affair behind his wife's back who has 3 children with said wife and who - according to the OP - has a lot to lose if the wife finds out.
Especially if he has a good job (as the OP has alluded to) and if his children are not adults.


I'm pretty sure that most married men in the same situation would be very relieved if their bit-on-the-side announced she was pregnant but didn't want him to be a part of the child's life and didn't want any financial contribution towards his child.

And that's why I think this scenario is odd.
And that's why I asked the question.


We're not talking about a couple who have been together monogamously and have maybe discussed having children together sometime in the future.
We're talking about a child who is the product of sneaking about behind a wife's back.