It's Complicated

Ozzuk

You are scared of leaving because of the unknown, and you are scared of what he will do. It is no way to live your life.

Look at it another way - you are enabling his bad behavior. If he self harms to get you to do something, and it works then what is he going to do next time?

Recognise that you aren't actually helping him, and you certainly aren't helping yourself, maybe thinking that way will make it easier to leave what sounds like an extremely toxic relationship.

You'll be happy again and you'll look back on this and wish you'd done it sooner.

Good luck and hugs.

Primrose

Elsiien has summarised the situation very well.
He has other options. That he is not taking them is just increasing the emotional blackmail on you.

I think once you are away from this environment and have out some time and distance between you, the emotional fog of it all will start to clear and you will look back and wonder "why on earth did did I put up with it for so long"

Right now you're walking in thick emotional mist and unable to see your hand in front of your face. Please just have the courage to go!

last_mile

I appreciate your bluntness, I feel it’s what I need sometimes.
I have described the relationship to myself many times as “toxic” and I get that I am not and probably cannot help him.
I think I’ll try and get a meeting with refuge as it is affecting me.
I have an appointment tomorrow with the hospital for an unrelated and minor ailment but it means I am off so I may see what I can fit in then.

Please know I really appreciate you all. It is extremely helpful to have an outsiders view and not “poison” others view of him until you know it’s not just you.
I have started raising things with my family and it appears most people have “problems” with the way he acts both in general and about me.

Thank you so very much you have all kept me standing while I fight my way out.

Primrose

We all understand how hard it is for you but take heart, you are almost there.
Just take a deep breath, make one final push and taking the step you fear most will be behind you!

Oakdene

The first step is the hardest, you can do this. Look at the support & wise words you have received from everyone on this thread.


We are willing you to do this & will be here every step of the way.

Savvy_Sue

I've also been thinking more about your comment about 'getting it right first time'.

I said - and I still believe - there is nothing to 'get right'.

And I also wonder if you are trying to think of a way of leaving which won't result in him doing something stupid / blowing up / reacting. Is that what you mean by getting it 'right' - a non-messy end to what you know yourself is a toxic relationship?

Well, I think everyone here would say even if there IS such a 'right' way, you've no guarantee of being able to find it, and the longer you look for it, the longer you'll stay, and the worse things will get - for you and for him.

You are not responsible for his stupidity and manipulation. You won't be responsible after you leave either. Your friends and family are concerned and supportive. You know what to do - JDI.

Smodlet

I'm gonna de-lurk and weigh in, fwiw.

Dr. Phil says we teach people how to treat us by putting up with their s#!t: Why should abusers moderate their behaviour when they have no incentive to? He also says their victims do not change their situations because in some way there is a "payoff" for their passivity/inertia. For instance, horrible as being abused is, it elicits a great deal of sympathy. Not reacting in return for a relatively quiet evening is a payoff, after a while. It becomes your new normal.

While I feel this is an oversimplification in many situations it does hold a measure of truth for me. It may be inadvisable in the extreme to tell your boss what a tool he/she is but when you are not being paid to take other people's crap, why do so?

My father beat my mother up for many of my teenage years. Her response was to take to the bottle. Eventually she got it together enough to leave him, only to go back after a few months. She missed the nice home she had made and mostly paid for. That was her payoff, see?

Five years later, she finally managed it again. One day I came home from school to her horrid, little flat in the red light district to find him there. She had asked him there to see if they could try again, can you believe it? I told them both exactly what I thought of that idea, pointing out that he would just start beating her up again whenever it suited him. I think that was the moment the penny finally dropped for her. It was horrendous at the time but taught both my sister and myself how not to run a relationship. For over a decade I thought I would never be able to trust a man, then I met OH. We have now been making each other laugh for a quarter of a century. He is my rock.

Last mile, they never change, it only ever gets worse. It was no different for my mother than it is for you except that the abuse was physical; domestic violence was far more acceptable back in those days; the police would not get involved. She complained she was not a person anymore, just a wife/housekeeper/cleaner/etc. It was even worth being beaten up to stay in her nice house for years. To paraphrase an earlier poster, "God, she was weak."

Hope that was not too blunt for you. I wish you well but only you can make that happen.

breaking_free

I agree with Savvy_Sue above: there is nothing to 'get right'.

I can 100% guarantee that he WILL threaten to do things after you leave.
I can also guarantee that he WILL actually carry out some very minor things (a little cut on the arms perhaps and sending you photos of this to make you feel bad).

My ex-partner used the most appalling emotional blackmail when I finally left. I was getting phone calls from his friends ("He's so upset and sorry. Why won't you go back to him? He's beside himself with grief.").

I got phone call after email after phone call from him (dozens per day). It was all threats to do dreadful things to me then wails and cries of how much he loves me.

I blocked the emails and phone calls. Amazing how the fog cleared after a few days and I was able to start thinking straight again.

The point is that there is no "right way" to walk out without him going ballistic. He is going to react badly and you can't control that. What you CAN control is your reaction to it.

We're all cheering for you lady. You can do this. (HUG)

Robinette

There is a great quote by CS Lewis: "Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward."

freshstart11

This breaks my heart reading this. I left my husband back in 2011 (hence the freshstart) and this screams to me as so similar.


There were a lot of problems, financial and emotional not to mention the cheating etc but I put up with it all. However at the end he became horrific. I planned to leave him but for some reason I just couldn't do it not even sure why to this day.

The day I left him, he had decided I was having an affair with a friend, accused me of sleeping with her (she was 7months pregnant) because I spent time with her for her birthday, god forbid. He decided to tell me unless I was home within a certain time he would stab himself with his samurai sword. He knew it was impossible for me to get home. At that point something snapped. I called his family member to go check on him and rang someone to pick me up. I went home, grabbed 3 bags of stuff and walked that day.


Yes I lost a lot of stuff....but the weight that was lifted that day for just going was worth every penny to replace. I became a different person over night.


I don't think there is a right way to do anything, but the right time is when you are feeling like you are.

You can do it and my god you will feel a weight lifting x