It's Complicated

System

As someone with sever mental health problems it !!!!esme off that people use it as an excuse to hurt others. You are NOT responsble for HIS actions. Thats down to him,

My ex (who was mainly emotinally abusive) threatened several times to hurt himself, at forst i felt guilty, like it was my fault. Then i though no, this is not my fault, he is doing this to try and control me.

I wish i;d gotten out of it sooner but it took him cheating on me and getting another woman pregnant before i left him.

which incidentally is the best thing i could have done. i endured 3 1/2 years of emotional abuse, my own mental health was at that point terrible, thankfully after leaving him it got a lot better and 8 years on i'm in a much much better place with a bf who supports me, loves me and has neer been like my ex.

Get your stuff together, get out, and get the happy life you DESERVE away from this idiot. You deserve so much better

[Deleted User]

I cannot help with the relationship side of things, but I can tell you about 'stuff'.

You mentioned that you are worried about your things. But in reality it is just 'stuff'.

In 2000 we lost everything in a flood. We walked away with two cars, two cats, my bag and my husband's wallet. I didn't even own a clean pair of knickers.

You know what? None of it matters. It can all be replaced and you can buy it all again. What you cannot get back is the time you are wasting living the life you do now.

Grab the essentials (clothes, paperwork, dog). Leave, do not go back, start a new life. Day 1 will be awful, day 2 even worse, but suddenly day 10, or 20, or 30 will start to get better and better.

Best wishes

Smodlet

On the subject of stuff, a thought has just occurred reading Spider's post. What about one of those self-storage units? I suppose you would need to book a day off work, pretend to go as normal, return after your abuser had gone to work and wait for the man-with-a-van/mate/removal van, even. The latter might be the best option as you can pay them to pack for you, which they do in about a tenth of the time it would take me. Removal firms also provide storage but it might be more expensive than a "self-storage" unit; you can easily find out from yell.com or some such.

I don't want to complicate things and am aware I don't know you personally from a bar of soap but many unpleasant memories were dredged up yesterday; I now feel angry on your behalf. Not for your situation as you can change that but why should your precious possessions and things of sentimental value be left because of some manipulative creep? Sorry, that is how he sounds to me. HTH and please let us know you are OK.

last_mile

Apologises that I take time to come back to most of these, it’s easier done when not in house.
Yesterday I moved all my important documents and things he won’t notice out and into a cupboard in the depths of my parents house.
I went for dinner at their so it made it easier to make this move. I overstayed for what he thought was an acceptable time, denoted by a text asking when I was coming home.
I took my time but I went to keep life looking normal.
He’s still trying his lovey doveyness after the Friday situation but I’m over it.
So now it’s just lift the last few things and off I go.
It feels real now... I am doing this..... I am doing this for me.....
Yes I realise these are just item, things that are replaceable to most but to me they will never be replaceable not with paying 100x what I bought some of them for. So they, my dog and I will leave together and the rest can stay.... for now.

I am doing this..... an I am scared

Ozzuk

Soon being scared will turn to reflief, with sadness for sure, but happiness will follow and your new life starts.

Primrose

You are already your way. Well done for getting your documents safely stored away. That,s a key part of the process achieved. One step at a time. Do you parents know how the situation stands?
Just pick your moment now, take a deep breath then go.
And it will feel like a heavy burden has rolled off your shoulders.

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

Well done. You are doing really well. You can do it. It's easy for us to say but don't be afraid to be afraid. You are making a big change in your life, you are entitled to feel afraid. Are you still going to your friends for the summer solstice thing?

last_mile

my parents are aware.
theyre supportive though my father seems to dwell on things i dont find important.
Like what he’ll do physically to other people’s property, my dad mentioned last night that he might come to their house and damage his car.
I told him up front I doubted it and even if he did just call the police.
I am trying to decided how I go about telling him im leaving, I don’t think it can be a long convo because I doubt he’d stay came or let me leave if I dally too much.

I am still invited and though I would love to go I haven’t told him about it yet because I cannot stand the huff and argument that’s around it.
I may just leave and that is where I will be going.
I keep waiting for the moment I feel like “now” has been shouted but I think im just going to have to do it when I can.

I think he knows somethings up and hes trying to be cutesy and cuddly but I’m not letting it happen again.
I know that in 3 weeks once hes bored of trying it will all go back to how it was, so I will not give in this time.

KxMx

I think, putting your safety first means you should leave and then phone him to break the news.

supermezzo

Personally, I'd go and then tell him that you've left - fait accompli. That way, you don't run the risk of a long drawn out and painful conversation or give him the chance to talk you out of it/become abusive/threaten to self-harm etc

He may well still do all those things but if you're not physically there, it will be easier on you both (although he won't see that, of course).