It's Complicated

Red-Squirrel_2

last_mile wrote: »

most of my important docs are stored in a fire prrof books thats solely mine, he has his own.
My passport has expired so no need to worry about this and the marriage license is in my bag anyway.
so it will be a case of grab the box, go bag and the dog and off i go.

i really would rather he didnt smash the house as most of the stuff on display is mine. simply because he spends his money on non displayable items.

You’ll want all the info regarding any joint finances, accounts, mortgage etc. You’ll want your paperwork relating to your new job, and your recent payslips, P45 and last P46 in case you need them for getting a new place or any new financials in your own name. Make sure any joint accounts are frozen so he doesn’t drain them.

Take the dog’s microchip info and vaccination records, make sure the vet and the chip company both have your new contact details on record as soon as you leave.

I’m sure others will think of more important stuff for you.

Primrose

Car documents ? Log book, driving licence ? AA membership (You will need to notify Dvla of new address)
NHS number
National Insurance No
Pension details?
Birth certificate
marriage certificate
Library membership card
Any other membership cards Nos . Ie National Trust etc

Yiu will also need to make a list of key people to notify of your change of address,s soon as practical ie Medical Centre, dentist, etc. Keep a small notebook at your workplace and list more names as you think of them. Don,t keep the notebook in yiur handbag in case he checks it,

YoungBlueEyes

OP you needn't wait for a big blow out, you can leave when your ducks are all in a row. Get your paperwork/dog/work/bed for the night sorted then just walk out the door.

No big blow up will ever be big enough, there'll always be some way to rationalise it. He didn't hit me, just a wall. Ok this time he did hit me but nowhere that shows. Ok this time you can see it but I can cover it with makeup. There'll always be something.

I fully understand where you're coming from. I left my (extremely similar) marriage one day while he was at work. What was the final straw? I'd asked him if he wanted me to cook him a nice dinner that night so make up for all the rowing we'd be doing. He was on his way out to work, had one hand on the door handle (I can picture it still) and he looked me straight in the eyes and said "god you're so weak", then turned round and went to work. That's all it took in the end, 4 words. I sat there shell-shocked for half an hour, put my dog on his lead, lifted my handbag and walked out the door. Literally. 8 years of marriage - done.

He was always controlling (which I thought meant he loved me and cared about me more than other boyfriends (?!) ), he was also bipolar and on medication for it. He found me on facebook a couple of years ago - I left him years ago - and I realised how right I was to leave him. He's worse now than he ever was. Depression, anxieties, personality disorder on top of the bipolar. But I didn't feel guilty or even pity, I just knew I'd done the right thing. It was the single hardest thing and I agonised over it for 3 years before he said "god you're so weak". Looking back it was the best decision I ever made. I also deleted my fb account, which hasn't done me any harm either!

When it's right to go, you'll just get up and go. It's not a date on your calendar or waiting for x happen. It'll just happen. So get your stuff sorted bit by bit and be ready for it.

I wish you all the luck in the world xx

Beans27

I don't normally comment on these sort of threads - I have no personal experience of abusive relationships - but your posts made me so sad last mile. Please just put your essentials in a bag - get your dog and GO. If your friend is happy to have the dog their that's great, you could arrange a dog walker for when you are at work. I'm sure it will feel as though life has been turned upside down - but there is plenty of support out there. Wishing you all the best.

last_mile

Hey All,

Soooo its been a long weekend and i find my self feeling even more confused.
Friday was a difficult day in all, my OH called me twice from his work ranting and raving while I was sitting at my desk.
He works in a small office of 4 people and there should have been a 1 day over lap of 2 people holidays but the 2nd person also decided to take the 2 previous afternoons off (hes the office manager so no one to approve it really)
The other person who was off probably does the work of 2 people so when they’re off it gets heavy.
Any way he called twice as said ranting about not being able to do it and it all being too much and he hadn’t even stopped for lunch…… etc and then hung up both times obv because he wasn’t getting the answers he wanted.

Anyway was just boarding my train home (20 min journey at most) when he text me to say he was home and had resorted to self-harm to cope.
This made me angry because he promised he wouldn’t do it again and he’d done it when I had no way of getting there quicker.
I got there as quick as I could and it turned out they were relatively minor on the grand scale thank goodness.
I had been invited out by my friend to play a couple of games of pool on Friday and I wasn’t sure I would go as I had popped up to see her on Thursday(her dad is terminally sick)
He told me to go and enjoy my night, so I did.
It turns out my stooped phone was playing up and I never noticed until I tried to use it about 10:30 and it crashed.
Finally got it restarted and he was calling and shouting at me for ignoring his calls and texts (I hadn’t got any).
He didn’t care about that and hung up on me. Then started texting spouting about trying to trust me but im not really proving myself.

I decided it was best to just go home (should have been the big bang but as you all suspected I didn’t make the move).
I called him from the car and he was all apologies etc etc but I am way past that now, I was purely going home so he wouldn’t hurt himself more.
The rest of the weekend was controlled by my fears and I feel trapped again.
He kept trying to hug and kiss me trying to prove he was sorry but I am just past it.
We had a minor argument on Sunday as I was trying to do stuff for my dads fathers day and it wasn’t working properly. He started storming about and slamming things and then changing his mind because he wasn’t going to come to my parents and now he was.
He demanded he drive and then drove like an idiot speeding everywhere.

So basically my whole weekend was bad from the minute I left my office.

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

From everything you have told us I don't really believe he has any mental health issues. I think he's just an immature, attention seeking spoilt brat. He's not happy unless he's the centre of attention and everyone's dancing to his tune. You said he doesn't like involving his parents as they are to blame for his mental health problems. I reckon they probably wanted him to seek help for it (as any concerned parent would) but he doesn't want to as he knows he fill be found out for faking it. He always makes excuses for getting help as he's just wants to use it as a means to control people. I don't know how you live with it. I get wound up just reading your posts and I don't even know the guy!

okborednow

Hi last mile, first of all *hugs*


I'm sorry I know this must all be really sh*t for you. I know plenty of other have popped up as said you need to stop making excuses and leave him but after so much time feeling trapped i'm certain that it's scary and easier said then done.



That said however as you already know you do need to leave because his behaviour is so completely unacceptable and after so long he is clear not going to change. A lot of the stuff you're describing i understand because both my mum and step dad have had depression since I was 4. They both seem to believe that depression is a suitable excuse for all behaviours and also that life has just dealt them a bad hand and there is nothing they could have done at any point to change it. My step dad isn't jealous or controlling as your hubby is but he insists he can't talk about his problems so he bottles things up until he explodes and 2-3 times a year goes nuts and starts screaming at us and smashing things. All through our childhood our mother made us sit there and "SAY NOTHING!!" because we'd make it worse which was pretty horrible. She tried to rationalise it be saying it didn't happen often to which we responded well what if instead of screaming he beat the crap out of us? Would that be ok because it wasn't often? Abuse is abuse regardless of what form it takes and I think this is what you need to realise. Your husband's mental health issues are not the reason for his actions they're why he thinks he can get away with them. A ready made get out of jail free card if you will. The fact that he's further using the threat of him hurting himself to control you just proves how devious and manipulative he is.


Having seen my step dad behave the was he has for 34 years I can tell you your husband isn't going to change because why would he? There have been zero negative consequences in his behaving this way up to this point and some good ones in that he gets his own way and almost total control of you. I needed to stress this to you although i'm sure you already know in the hope that it will help you get to the point where you're braving enough to step out the door and refuse to take this any longer. You deserve a happy life with a partner that fills your life with laughter and joy and excitement not stress, misery and anxiety.


I really hope you get to where you need to be soon xxx

last_mile

my lastest debacle as of lunch time.
i have to come home from work and rather than heading straight home
i have to drive to 10 miles and pick up his friend and bring her and the her cats over because the cats are staying with one of our friends while she goes house hunting down south for her new jobs
shes "hurt" her foot and wont drive and hes on the motorbike so cant pick her up.
even the suggestion of coming home for the car first was shot down as he is trying to conserve his fuel in case he needs it.

im actually lost for words right now.

breaking_free

Here's a thought: don't do it.

Yep, you're allowed to not do what he tells you. Let his friend sort out her own travel problems - it's not your problem to sort out. If your other half is "oh so concerned" with helping her then let him do it!

(I speak as someone who escaped an abusive relationship so I'm not being flippant.)

okborednow

last_mile wrote: »

my lastest debacle as of lunch time.
i have to come home from work and rather than heading straight home
i have to drive to 10 miles and pick up his friend and bring her and the her cats over because the cats are staying with one of our friends while she goes house hunting down south for her new jobs
shes "hurt" her foot and wont drive and hes on the motorbike so cant pick her up.
even the suggestion of coming home for the car first was shot down as he is trying to conserve his fuel in case he needs it.

im actually lost for words right now.

What about your fuel? Why is it only important he conserves his? I assume you wouldn't entertain the thought of telling him to eff off?