It's Complicated

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

If he threatens to kill himself, he will realise he no longer has power over you if you reply 'I'd really rather you didn't, but if you must, could you do it somewhere else so I don't have to clean it up?'

Best said whilst not even looking up from a magazine.


'I can't believe you said that to me! I'm going to do it now! You'll be sorry!'

'not half as much as you would be. Now, would you prefer me to call an ambulance after you've started, or should I call now and just get you sectioned for your own protection?'


Stuff like that completely takes the wind out of abusers' sails.


(NB, there's a world of difference between somebody genuinely unwell and somebody attempting to terrorise you into obeying them. You know the difference. If you're in any way uncertain, you can just say 'I'll phone for an ambulance and you can be assessed by the emergency Psych team, because I can't fix those feelings and you obviously need to be somewhere safe with professionals who can help you'

Primrose

[QUOTE=Jojo the Tightfisted;74390540


(NB, there's a world of difference between somebody genuinely unwell and somebody attempting to terrorise you into obeying them. You know the difference. If you're in any way uncertain, you can just say 'I'll phone for an ambulance and you can be assessed by the emergency Psych team, because I can't fix those feelings and you obviously need to be somewhere safe with professionals who can help you'[/QUOTE]

If this is just being used as an emotional blackmail strategy and the atmosphere is really heightened I would imagine he would only try this tactic once. He would probably be so humiliated by the ensuing debacle, not to mention the possible humiliation about what the neighbours might think if they come enquiring to ask on seeing an ambulance turn up, that he would probably never use the tactic again.

The abuse and control lies in him playing on your fear that he would do it and using it to force you to play to his rules. Once that tactic no longer works he will know his control is lost. If necessary have your exit planned and all your important personal possessions and documents safely stored away from the house before you play that card because in his anger he may destroy them.

last_mile

I agree mostly that the suicide threat is just that a tactic for control.
My problem being that small percent of me that worries its real.

I keep putting off doing anything major because I am waiting for him to “blow up” again and make demands on time etc.

This weekend we (the 2 of us) were supposed to meeting my friend in town to show her where things were.
He decided he wasn’t feeling it and it was too warm etc (every excuse under the sun).
I insisted I was still going as I had promised her, so I went.
He then stated that we be back 4 hours later so we could “still do our norm” and my friend could join us. which is going to our local for a couple of soft drinks (he doesn’t like me drinking)

I agreed and then went on my way, had the best 4 (and a bit) hours I’ve had in ages…… really good time.
Got to the local a little late, but it was dismissed due to an issue I was having with my piercing.
We only last 2 more hours before he decided it was home time.

So home we went for the remainder of the night in almost complete silence while he gamed.

I am pushing his demands now to make him blow because then I can use it to leave finally.
But I might not be able to hold on for that long before I decide the everyday is just too much.

Oakdene

If I may just put my thoughts in here, my last partner constantly threatened to commit suicide if I left her. I even got calls from her friend to ask if I had heard from her as they were concerned. When I text her I got a long message saying that she didn't want to live anymore because I didn't want to be with her etc & she is somewhere where no one will find her for a long time...



In the end I had to get in touch with her family to say what was happening.

last_mile

i've called his parents many a time.
this make him mad, he says the mental health issues he has are caused by then.
then they turn up and he brushes it all under the carpet as if i was exaggerating.

Oakdene

If I was you, I would speak to his parents & make it clear you are leaving the relationship because of the issues you have described above. I would also point out that due to the threats which you have had made, that you do not wish to hear from their son.

calleyw

Last Mile,


I know its hard. But don't put up with this any more. you owe him nothing.


He is manipulating you. if you are at the point where you dread going home or spending time with him. Then that proves its over.


Start getting ready to leave. As has been suggested remove all important paper work and stash it at your parents.



Even kipping on someones sofa for a few months is better than this. You will have the freedom to come and go as you like.



It also might be worth getting a new mobile number. And only allowing trusted people have that number and ditch the current number. that way he can't keep contacting you. You need to cut out him out your life.



If his parents contact you do as oakdene suggested explain why. They may never believe you. But that is tough.


You are young so have plently of time to find someone else and rebuild your life with someone who cares about you.


this will not get better he will always want to control you. You would not let your mum, dad, siblings or best friend do it. So why do accept and stay when your partner/husband does it.


All the best. I do hope you make the move sooner rather later.


Yours


Calley x

davidwood681

I can't offer you any advice but I hope you end up in a happier situation.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

last_mile wrote: »

I agree mostly that the suicide threat is just that a tactic for control.
My problem being that small percent of me that worries its real.

I keep putting off doing anything major because I am waiting for him to “blow up” again and make demands on time etc.

This weekend we (the 2 of us) were supposed to meeting my friend in town to show her where things were.
He decided he wasn’t feeling it and it was too warm etc (every excuse under the sun).
I insisted I was still going as I had promised her, so I went.
He then stated that we be back 4 hours later so we could “still do our norm” and my friend could join us. which is going to our local for a couple of soft drinks (he doesn’t like me drinking)

I agreed and then went on my way, had the best 4 (and a bit) hours I’ve had in ages…… really good time.
Got to the local a little late, but it was dismissed due to an issue I was having with my piercing.
We only last 2 more hours before he decided it was home time.

So home we went for the remainder of the night in almost complete silence while he gamed.

I am pushing his demands now to make him blow because then I can use it to leave finally.
But I might not be able to hold on for that long before I decide the everyday is just too much.

Why are you waiting for 'him to blow'?

You were 'allowed out' if you agreed to his rules about it.

You say you're pushing it by not quite getting back by Curfew.

You sat there drinking soft drinks.

You went home when told.

Your entertainment for that night was at most the back of his head whilst he played on a game aimed at 18 year olds at most. He ignored you once you obeyed and played with his toys.


You sound like a child describing the conditions under which Mum and Dad let you out to play with your friends - 'If you must go, be back for teatime' 'No, wine is a drink for grownups' 'Now you can't leave the room until you have permission to be excused'.


At what point does that become not enough for you to do what you want?

He is not your problem. He is not his parents' problem.

What are you hoping he'll do to make it 'acceptable' to leave? Actually try to top himself? You'll then say you can't because he meant it. Smash the house up? You could say he only threw things around, not at you. Hit you? Are you so sure you'd leave if he then apologised, threatened suicide, promised to get help - and could you be certain that he'd only give you a clump round the head, rather than beating you into intensive care?


Look, I know it's hard. But you don't want to be there because of him.

You don't have to.

You've got somewhere to go.

He has people that will help him if he genuinely needs it, whether he wants it or not.

He does not have to be your problem ever again - if you walked out the door now, that would be the end of your obeying his every whim and tantrum. You would never have to dread going home. You would never have to beg permission to leave your own home or bargain for 4 hours with a friend. You could have the biggest Gin & Tonic in the world wherever you want to drink it. You could have 2 pints, sing rude songs and be dropped off at your front door by a taxi at 4am, wearing a short skirt, crop top and all The Makeup. Or sit indoors in silence because it's peaceful - not being unable to speak because somebody is blowing up tanks or zombies. Or trying not to scream 'JUST SHUT UP' because he's whining about something he thought you might have thought because you left the house without him at the weekend and he's sure you only did it to meet a man.


All you have to do is walk out that door and close it behind you.

It's up to you.

calleyw

JoJo has hit the nail on the head.


We often don't leave a bad relationship, job etc as we are scared of the new.


He does not own you. You have you own free will.


You are making excuses for him just like abused women do. Why does an abused woman stay. Because even though he might have broken her bones, kicked her teeth out and almost killed her. Its because she loves him.



Nope, its not love, its because he got her so scared she dare not leave. He has made feel like a worthless piece of !!!! and tells her no one else will love or want her. He has brain washed her.



Love is not about controlling someone or breaking their bones. Its about trust, love and respect. Your marriage no longer has that. Have some respect for yourself worth and get out now before any more damage can be done. You owe it to yourself.


No one said its going to be easy. it will hurt like hell. Like an open wound with salt rubbed in to it. But its a lot better than living a life where you can't do or be yourself.



There will be times when you feel so weak that you think it easier to go back. Think of the way he treated you. And remember how you felt every time you went back in to that toxic evironment.


I not one for telling people to leave their relationships. But this is not a normal or healthy relationship. Dig really deep and make the move. You wont believe the difference in how you feel.


Yours


Calley x