It's Complicated

last_mile

i have a really good friend though not one of my longest friends and they barely come around anymore. She has recently stepped away from a controlling relationship.
but i suppose hers was less complicated in that they werent married and he was a lazy bum who didnt work.
she has been my biggest support and always lets me talk it through with her but we talk about it so much i feel its unfair to burden her all the time.

Ozzuk

Sounds like you need some space/time to help you think more clearly. You don't have to jump straight into 'its all over'. Can you stay somewhere else, even if just a week or two to help you get some perspective. Nothing to stop you then making it more permanent, but it might not be as scary.

last_mile

my friend has offered to let me stay at hers but i am not sure he would accept me doing that without a massive blow up.
i also have to make arrangement for my dog as he'd obv come with me but he goes to my parents in law during the day and this wouldnt be possible if we were to separate.
Good grief can i just run away.

Ozzuk

It's up to him if he accepts it or not, you do it anyway. Any actions he takes will no doubt focus your mind one way or another on your future.

badmemory

I would suggest talking to someone like Samaritans who are not going to tell you to leave, but just listen to you & ask what you want to do. Whilst friends are great they tend to get a bit "how dare he, leave him straight away". Or even worse say they can't see what is bothering you.


You are the one who must make your own decision. Leaving someone who is really controlling is not easy, because they take away your own ability to control & so you need to plan, then re-plan & then plan again. Plan what you will do to leave & when you will do it & just as important plan what you will do when you get 100 yards down the road & break down in tears shaking because you have forgotten how to take control yourself.


This person didn't hit me whilst I lived with him, he presumably didn't feel the need, but he did after I left, luckily I wasn't alone. Be careful, because a true controller does not like losing control, so find somewhere safe to go to.

Primrose

Whether you are ready or or not to accept it at this point, you are already a victim of emotionally abusive behaviour and the longer you continue living in this environment the more incapable you will become of having the will and ability to break free before your own health is wrecked.

I think you really need to stand up for yourself now and tell him that you're not going to accept his behaviour any more. Either he seeks medical help or your marriage is over, although to be honest it sounds as if it already is.

Can you go and stay with friends or family for a while away from this controlling atmosphere so that you can clear your thoughts and have time to re-discover the real you again? He needs to understand the impact a separation will have on him. I doubt it will make any difference but perhaps yiur marriage deserves one last chance?

Certainky I think a consultation with Women's Aid will help you clarify your thought processes and future options. Think back and remember when yiu were a carefree younger woman. You CAN Get back to being that person again. If your other half doesn,t want to come along for the ride that must be his own decision.

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

I was following your last thread about the hen night and it seems nothing has changed since then. You are clearly not happy in the relationship but you are too worried to leave him as your worry how he will cope. You are a nice person and don't want to hurt him but I think it is time to be selfish and put yourself first for a change. He will have to deal with it. If he doesn't want to continue working for your family then he can look else where. Don't stay in a marriage that is making you miserable just because he will be inconvenienced. I can't imagine he would return the favour!

last_mile

Hi @mummy2cheekymonkeys, yes much hasn’t changed though I have started doing things for myself more.
I spend a lot of time with my best friends as I am able to use the excuse that she needs me due to her recent breakup.
Since he knows I am just at her house the most I get is huffing but I wont get away with it much longer before he will start the questioning, I can tell.
I sometimes on a Friday get away from work an hour early but I don’t tell him I just take myself to primark or somewhere and wander round as it feels nice to have that freedom.

@Primrose a trial separation might work, everyone I have spoken with says to go away for a few days but its not that easy.
I started a new job only 2 months ago so I haven’t clocked up holidays and im out of the house from 7-7 where as he leaves after and gets home first.
This makes it difficult to gather my things.

badmemory

Primrose wrote: »

Whether you are ready or or not to accept it at this point, you are already a victim of emotionally abusive behaviour and the longer you continue living in this environment the more incapable you will become of having the will and ability to break free before your own health is wrecked.

I think you really need to stand up for yourself now and tell him that you're not going to accept his behaviour any more. Either he seeks medical help or your marriage is over, although to be honest it sounds as if it already is.

First paragraph definitely true, second para - could you actually do that or has he already damaged you too far? I certainly couldn't have, I would have been far too scared, see the panic 100yards down the road. Deal with it asap as you do not want to be the person who is saying thank goodness when he dies, it is not a nice feeling.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

last_mile wrote: »

my friend has offered to let me stay at hers but i am not sure he would accept me doing that without a massive blow up.
i also have to make arrangement for my dog as he'd obv come with me but he goes to my parents in law during the day and this wouldnt be possible if we were to separate.
Good grief can i just run away.

Have you asked if you could bring the dog with you?

Have you looked into emergency fostering for the dog (it exists)?

Have you spoken to work, explained you're scared to go home because he monitors your every move and punches walls when he's angry? They might give you the time off anyway. After all, it's hardly your fault.


And most importantly, why on earth do you have to get his permission to leave him/worry about him 'blowing up'?


Leave with the dog, you don't need anything other than your ID, ignore his calls and call the police if he turns up.



Coercive Control is a criminal offence.