It's Complicated

last_mile

i need to get all my ducks in a row.
like where ill go.
what do i need clothes and docs wise
arrangements for the dog for during the day
need work to have a slight understanding so i get a little space to make some moves
as soon as they are in a row i'll feel better.

itsanne

If you left after a big blow-out, nothing would be in place. Last mile, the only things you need to do before leaving are having your important documents somewhere safe and having your money in an account he can't access. Everything else will fall into place once you leave.

You don't need somewhere permanent to go, just somewhere for a short while until you get something more permanent sorted. Your friend has already offered, including you bringing your dog. Many people leave without that safety net.

Where work is concerned, speak to someone now rather than delay - you're going to have to anyway and there's nothing to gain by waiting. You'll just worry about it until you do it.

Making the change is bound to feel daunting, but it will be as if a great weight has been lifted once you do. You have one life. It can go as Jojo describes or you can choose not to be miserable - it's up to you.

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

I don't think you have mentioned before or maybe I missed it. Do you own your home or rent? If it will really be so difficult to get your stuff out of the house as you know he will be difficult why do you have to leave? Can't you tell him you've had enough and you want him to leave. Just an idea. Then you wouldn't have to try and smuggle all your belongings out without him finding out?!

elsien

Just so you know it's not just you.

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/apr/28/i-had-the-courage-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship

last_mile

we own together.
Thanks Elsien, ill give that a read later.

unholyangel

last_mile wrote: »

It might not look it from the outside but that was pushing the boundry.
Normally if he decided not to go on a day out the expectation would be I wouldn!!!8217;t go either.

This is what other posters have been trying to put across to you I think. A boundary of that type shouldn't exist, not in a relationship with what is supposed to be an equal partner.

I'm sure you're feeling quite triumphant at pushing those boundaries and I understand why, just its still worrying that even in your rebellion against his control that you're mindful not to rock the boat too much. But I'll get to that in my reply to your next post.

last_mile wrote: »

I thank you all for all of your support.
I am aware I am making excuses, I am trying to get over doing that.

To put it simply I know I need to leave and I am working towards that.
Maybe setting a deadline is the answer.

I!!!8217;ll try and normalise it so most would know the feeling.
Its like when your hairs been a state for weeks and you waiting on the hairdressing appointment.
Then on the day you are finally going you look at it and think it looks good today maybe I!!!8217;ll just keep it or just not be so extreme.

When it!!!8217;s a !!!8220;good!!!8221; stretch you just get on with it.
But when its an utter mess you know it needs fixed.

I know this isn!!!8217;t fixable I really do.
Im not out to cause trouble, I feel physically sick when I know I am doing something he wont like.
I just want to know im doing it at the right time, yes yes that is now, I know.

I!!!8217;ve set a deadline for the end of July, I just want to get past my birthday, though if something happens before then ill know.

OP, this is very typical of an abusive relationship. Contrary to what some people believe, an abusive relationship isn't usually abusive all the time. Its more jekyll & hyde. Their target usually has problems reconciling the verbally/physically/emotionally abusive monster with the sweet caring man (or woman!) they know their partner can be. Their reaction at something they don't like is so strong and so OTT that it subconsciously makes you more susceptible to believing that its your fault for wearing the wrong thing, that you've done something wrong, that there must be more to it because its not a "normal" reaction. You readily accept excuses for their behaviour (alcohol, drugs, mental health issues etc) because you don't want to realise that the monster is the truth and the sweet & caring side is the mask.

It also means you're relieved when the good times hit. You're so thankful they're back to the sweet caring man that you're willing to overlook the appearance of the monster. You then start pandering to them in an effort to avoid that monster rearing its ugly head again. And when it does, you then start to look for what you did wrong. Bit by bit you change who are you and what you do in an effort to keep things "good".

Every relationship has its ups and downs but from what you've disclosed in your postings here, I still feel yours is definitely an unhealthy one. If even just for the fact you seem to feel all this behaviour over the years is not good enough reason to end the relationship - probably because over the years you've had it drilled into you that your feelings are irrelevant (while his obviously aren't) - and are looking to cause a fight to justify your leaving.

I think every single poster who has replied to your threads is of the mind that you don't need anything further to justify leaving, what has transpired so far is more than enough cause.

Archergirl

Don't get pregnant!!!!!

last_mile

i would never do that to a child, they are not meant to be brought into the world as a plaster for their parents problems.
@unholyangel - what you say rings so true that it frightens me a little.
i know in myself that it is time and others are right when they say people leave with nothing in place.
i have my temp living in place with a friend and i have money saved that will last me some time.
i just need my docs and my dog and i am good to go.

i do worry that he will smash up the house but i cannot live under this for that reason alone.

Primrose

If he smashes up the house after you have gone, he will have to live with the consequences of his temper, won't he and look at it every day as a reminder of his loss of control.


it won't necessarily be easy collecting your documents together if he's hanging around all the time. You'll have to work out some techniques how to do this.

last_mile

most of my important docs are stored in a fire prrof books thats solely mine, he has his own.
My passport has expired so no need to worry about this and the marriage license is in my bag anyway.
so it will be a case of grab the box, go bag and the dog and off i go.

i really would rather he didnt smash the house as most of the stuff on display is mine. simply because he spends his money on non displayable items.