It's Complicated

onomatopoeia99

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Your entertainment for that night was at most the back of his head whilst he played on a game aimed at 18 year olds at most.

The money in games is not in selling to children with little disposable income, it's in selling to adults with good jobs that can afford the hardware required and the games themselves.


Don't understand why you felt the need to bung in a cheap shot in an otherwise helpful post.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

The money in games is not in selling to children with little disposable income, it's in selling to adults with good jobs that can afford the hardware required and the games themselves.


Don't understand why you felt the need to bung in a cheap shot in an otherwise helpful post.

Because the majority of games (and therefore the market) are rated for under 18s. Children. Most grownups have jobs and fit in the occasional game when relaxing alone, rather than expecting their partners to sit and watch them. Which again, is what children do.

last_mile

It might not look it from the outside but that was pushing the boundry.
Normally if he decided not to go on a day out the expectation would be I wouldn’t go either.

Also rather than shopping like we were supposed to we went for drinks and lunch and just enjoyed ourselves.
I did drink mainly soft drinks when I got to dinner but that was because I knew I had to drink later.
(he wouldn’t drop me at the station, probably thinking it would make me not drink)

The explosion I am waiting for is for him to start an outburst of demanding or telling me I can’t wear some clothes or makeup etc.
It will happen he won’t be able to control that urge for long, especially with my birthday coming up he’ll have an outburst and ill just make my move.

His gaming has meant I have read a lot of books I have been meaning to and caught a lot of tv shows but never on the 2nd tv always my phone right next to him.

Archergirl

I think you need to get your paperwork together as stated before and get yourself away, tell him you want a trial separation and you will see how you feel after a few months, all the time you are doing nothing, nothing will change. You are young get yourself away, if a baby were to come along things would be so much harder, get going while the going is good. Hope you have a happy life you deserve one xx

calleyw

last mile,


Why do you want to stay and push boundaries? just leave, why do you want to create more grief and tension. Unless you thrive on it.


My partner has had some awful relationships because of his self esteem due the way he looks. One gf was a drama queen and enjoyed causing arguments every few days and the aim was to make him get angry or cry.


You seem to have ignored all the good advice. I am sure you will do nothing and be back here in a few months asking for advice again.


which bit of he will not change do you not get. Why do you want to stay and wind him up. I think you both have issues and need help. As even if I had to sleep in my car I would have packed my bags and left. No one controls me. I am my own person. And the first time he tried to tell me what do would be the last time. he would have to lump it or like it. I bet this started before you married him. If it did why an earth did you marry him for?


I am now out of this thread as it obvious you are not going to listen to peoples advice.


I wish you all the best


Yours


Calley x

Happier_Me

I 'get' the OP's mindset. I needed my ex to do something I knew was still wrong as a final push for me to leave. He was a wall puncher and towards the end I desperately wanted him to hit me instead of that wall and then I could leave. Makes no sense to me looking back but that was exactly where my head was at at the time.

OP, I didn't wait for a big bust up in the end, because the bust up that comes never seems big enough to be that final push. Set yourself a date to do this if you need to but please commit to a date. Spend the time between now and that date planning your departure.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

last_mile wrote: »

It might not look it from the outside but that was pushing the boundry.
Normally if he decided not to go on a day out the expectation would be I wouldn’t go either.

Also rather than shopping like we were supposed to we went for drinks and lunch and just enjoyed ourselves.
I did drink mainly soft drinks when I got to dinner but that was because I knew I had to drink later.
(he wouldn’t drop me at the station, probably thinking it would make me not drink)

The explosion I am waiting for is for him to start an outburst of demanding or telling me I can’t wear some clothes or makeup etc.
It will happen he won’t be able to control that urge for long, especially with my birthday coming up he’ll have an outburst and ill just make my move.

His gaming has meant I have read a lot of books I have been meaning to and caught a lot of tv shows but never on the 2nd tv always my phone right next to him.

You don't get it, do you?

It's understandable that you don't, because he's been working on you for years, moulding and shaping you into his pet.


You are justifying things that somebody who has ever been in or seen a healthy relationship would see are completely abusive and unacceptable. And will only intensify.

If you stay, looking for that One Thing, I reckon a lot of us here can tell you what's going to happen.


You'll still be there at 45, you'll have had a couple of kids by him that won't speak to you, you'll look haggard and grey and worn out and you will have never gone anywhere, done anything or ever really been happy.

You'll still be there at 55, thinking you can't leave because he's not well and who else would ever want you?

You'll still be there at 65, 75 and probably getting grief about flirting with the young lad who picked your walking stick up for you.

You'll be there at 78, nobody talks to you, you know nobody around you, and then he'll die.


And you'll be lost. Because, without your prison warden to tell you what to do, you'll either not have a clue how to enjoy yourself - or you'll suddenly realise that you could have done it all fifty years ago. Just by walking out that door.



You're unhappy because, despite his efforts to brainwash you, you know underneath that he is abusing you. You know that he doesn't want a wife, he wants a pet female, a possession, one that's rated lower than his games console because it doesn't instantly do as demanded at the flick of a switch.

That's why you're unhappy. Because you know what he is doing to you is wrong. So does he - but he doesn't care. You don't matter to him. He matters to him. Nothing and no one else. Just him. You are there because the feeling of having a puppydog, a pet, a Mummy who won't tell him off, somebody who provides money, silent company, obedience and an occasional brief fumble when he feels the urge, makes him feel good.



Like I said before - the door is there. It's a door to freedom. All you have to do is walk through it.

last_mile

I thank you all for all of your support.
I am aware I am making excuses, I am trying to get over doing that.

To put it simply I know I need to leave and I am working towards that.
Maybe setting a deadline is the answer.

I’ll try and normalise it so most would know the feeling.
Its like when your hairs been a state for weeks and you waiting on the hairdressing appointment.
Then on the day you are finally going you look at it and think it looks good today maybe I’ll just keep it or just not be so extreme.

When it’s a “good” stretch you just get on with it.
But when its an utter mess you know it needs fixed.

I know this isn’t fixable I really do.
Im not out to cause trouble, I feel physically sick when I know I am doing something he wont like.
I just want to know im doing it at the right time, yes yes that is now, I know.

I’ve set a deadline for the end of July, I just want to get past my birthday, though if something happens before then ill know.

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

I think people will understand your reasoning but ultimately you know that it is a case of when not if. You know it will come so why wait for it. You are making a life changing decision. Do it on your terms. If you said "I need until the end of the month to get all my business in order and then I can go" that's fine . You need to have everything in place to make it easier for yourself but by saying you'll go next time he loses it is not the same. You will always make excuses. Oh he kicked off but he didn't punch anything so it was only minor and not enough reason to go. I agree with what others have said. There will always be the next time and then the next time until another 10 years have passed and you are still waiting for a better excuse to go.

JWM

last_mile wrote: »

I thank you all for all of your support.
I am aware I am making excuses, I am trying to get over doing that.

To put it simply I know I need to leave and I am working towards that.
Maybe setting a deadline is the answer.

I’ll try and normalise it so most would know the feeling.
Its like when your hairs been a state for weeks and you waiting on the hairdressing appointment.
Then on the day you are finally going you look at it and think it looks good today maybe I’ll just keep it or just not be so extreme.

When it’s a “good” stretch you just get on with it.
But when its an utter mess you know it needs fixed.

I know this isn’t fixable I really do.
Im not out to cause trouble, I feel physically sick when I know I am doing something he wont like.
I just want to know im doing it at the right time, yes yes that is now, I know.

I’ve set a deadline for the end of July, I just want to get past my birthday, though if something happens before then ill know.

Don't 'set a deadline' - go NOW or I truly believe that date will keep being moved.
Your birthday
His birthday
The cat's birthday
Xmas
Valentine's Day
Easter

etc etc etc

GO NOW - what point is there in you staying?