It's Complicated

unholyangel

OP I recommended on your other thread to get a break away and suggested somewhere remote you wouldn't have a mobile signal - although the purpose of that wasn't for a holiday, it was so you could get time away from his behaviour (even via phone calls/text) to think about things with a clear head. The girls holiday was just an excuse to enable you to do that.

I can understand why you wouldn't want to take time off so soon into a new job, but perhaps you could go to work as normal but go home to your friend rather than the partner for a week or two? My only reservation would be him potentially calling/texting you while there - could you maybe accidentally on purpose leave your phone at work and not have some kind soul find it until the next week? :rotfl:

And make sure location services is disabled on your phone. You'd be amazed how many people think its okay to track their partners phone so they can keep tabs on where they are. Some people have good reasons for doing it (for example knowing when to start making dinner when their partner leaves work) but most do it without their partners knowledge which is definitely not okay in my book.

last_mile

Hi All,

thank you for your replies
Yes my friend is more than willing to let me bring the dog and I can afford to pay a dog walker which will solve the issue of during the day.
I’ve made so many excuses at work that it’s a difficult hole to dig out of though I suppose I will need to let them know as its going to be a bumpy road for a while.
I don’t want time off really as work gives me a distraction but it would be good to know they won’t fire me.
I just don’t want to be the cause of his death and that is my honest to goodness biggest fear.

Unholyangel I remember your kind advice last time and I think it is what has assisted in getting to this point.
I no longer make excuses for him any longer if people discuss who hes acting I simply say “I am no longer making excuses”
And people speak about it a lot.
As I said my friend has invited me to stay with her, she has a 2 bed but she already has another Girl staying for similar reasons so it will be tight but Id willingly take the couch for some peace.
I never thought about the location services, might need to investigate this for general times.

I have been invited to said friends for a summer solstice party, just me, her and 2 other girls, the 22nd and I think I am going to see how he reacts to this info and if its as I expect that tell himi’m out.
I will have a bag packed ready for this as I am pretty sure it’s a forgone conclusion.

You have all been so lovely and its been great to hear that im not imagining this is as bad as it is.

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

I'm sure that if you explained the situation to your work they would be helpful. Or if you don't want to do that you could tell them you need to go in late one day and you will make the hours up. Make out you are leaving for work and wait for your partner to leave and then go an get your stuff. Another thing would be to take bits and pieces with you everytime you go round your friends. Not enough to raise his suspicion, just what you can fit into a large handbag. Maybe do that before you tell him about the party.

JWM

last_mile wrote: »

I just don't want to be the cause of his death and that is my honest to goodness biggest fear.

You are not responsible for his life or death - only he is.

This is the last threat that desperate people hold over those who care (or used to care) about them.

You have done the best you can hun, at some point he must take responsibility for himself.

If he threatens to harm himself, be kind, but walk away.

You have nothing to reproach yourself about.

Best of luck.

Happier_Me

As someone that was in an emotionally abusive relationship when I was very young this thread has really resonated with me. For me it was a simple case of going back home to mum and dad so the practicalities of separating were much simpler. I still stayed for three years though and only left when the panic attacks, triggered by just the thought of him coming home, became a daily occurrence. That was the wake up call I needed to realise the relationship was doomed.

What I can say 20 odd years later is that there is absolutely life after this sort of relationship and for me, its very good one. It's not easy at first but it will be for the best. Do your future self a massive favour and break away now.

In terms of practical advice I would start to think about how you end your marriage and separate your finances, work out a budget for you to live on, etc. The more you plan for your new future, the less scary it will be.

Good luck

Red-Squirrel_2

last_mile wrote: »

I just don’t want to be the cause of his death and that is my honest to goodness biggest fear.

The only way that would be possible is if you physically kill him.

People who threaten suicide as a means of control are hardly ever actually suicidal, the behaviour of people who genuinely don't want to live is completely different.

Good luck with your new life, you deserve so much better, so go and get it!

batg

last_mile wrote: »

he's never been physically abusive (unless your a wall on the very rare occasion) but its the mental effects that wear you down.
not being trusted to go to your friends or your parents.
not being allowed to go to a work night out like the christmas party.
getting continually questioned on what your doing on your phone when all your doing is reading a book while he plays yet another video game or worse messaging your very few friends that you have because of the "weird" way you handle things that involve any of the previous scenarios.

get rid of him...it will never get better, only worse. You say you are 27....do you want decades more of the same with him?

Primrose

I would agree with the suggestion that you quietly remove all your personal documentation, ie birth & marriage certificates, passport, bank statements, pension statements,driving licence etc out of the house and into another safe place. It will cause you endless trouble later if you need them and can't produce them.
I would also set up a separate bank account in your own name, preferably internet based, with a very secure password and have your salary paid into that.


Incidentally, do not be fooled by emotional blackmail threats of him threatening to kill himself. Emotionally controlling people actually use this as a line of last resort when they think they are losing control and this is the one thing they think they can use which will make decent people stop in their tracks.


We had an addictive family member use such threats for 15 years and lost count of the number of threatened suicide attempts which for many years kept us emotionally tied in knots. Then one day we just couldn't stand it any more and the next time the suicide threat was made we just said "Fine, your decision!" and walked away. It was amazing how liberating that was.


When you have tried all you can to make a situation work and nothing changes it, you are free to walk away with a clear conscience. Sooner or later people have to take responsibility for themselves, even those who are emotionally depressed.

globetraveller

If he has threatened suicide, does he have parents you could warn? Could you talk to your dr to find out what can be done?

TBagpuss

If you don't want to talk about your employer about what is happening, perhaps you could book a day off? Leave as usual as if you were going to work, then go back to the house once he has left to pack up your essentials, paperwork and personal items, take final meter readings if your name is on bills, and so on.

If he makes threats to harm or kill himself, then take them seriously for our own peace of mind. It's likely that he is simply using the threats as another way to control you, and that is 100% his responsibility, but you can still do what you would do if a stranger said those things to you - call an ambulance, or the police, to say that he is threatening to harm himself.
As you mentioned that his parents look after your dog, presumably they are local? If you want, tell them that you have left, and that he has made threats to hurt himself.

In a worst case scenario, if he were to kill himself, that is NOT your responsibility. You cannot make him well, if he is genuinely depressed or suicidal, you can contact the emergency services if you think he is likely to follow through.

You are responsible for your life, for keeping yourself safe. He is responsible for his.