It's Complicated

last_mile

i have an electric car and its down to about 30 miles.... so because ill have enough spare miles he's of the belief that i should do it, since it doesnt cost for me..... i charge at a local charging point which i dont pay for as its provided by the gov to assist in the electric car transition.
i was going to get a point installed but then there were reg problems and then i started feeling like this more so.

Primrose

Last Mile,
You know you really can't go on like this any more, don't you?


I repeat, YOU REALLY CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS ANY MORE.


Please listen to what other people are saying to you, especially those you have had the unfortunately experience of walking in your shoes before you.


How much longer are you going to put off making the move? When you are in the GP surgery having your own nervous breakdown?

The more you continue appeasing his behaviour, the more he will do it. You do realise that by now, don't you? Just pick up your essential documents, your dog and GO.


This guy is a control freak and every time you respond and appease him you're giving him permission to do it all over again.

last_mile

@Primrose,
Yes I am fully aware I cannot go on like this and I actually said to my friend on Saturday that I shouldn’t have come home because he started doing the nicey nicey stuff and I was just too tired for all his crap.
I think I am close to a breakdown as it is but hes being clingy and “nice” now and I worry he will take it to an extreme.
I am not ignoring the advice I am just trying to get it right the first time.

badmemory

I've removed this because the OP has posted again after it & so I assume has seen it. I do hope my removal of it upsets no-one!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

last_mile wrote: »

Hey All,


1. my OH called me twice from his work ranting and raving while I was sitting at my desk.

2. he text me to say he was home and had resorted to self-harm to cope.

3. it turned out they were relatively minor on the grand scale thank goodness.

4. he was calling and shouting at me for ignoring his calls and texts (I hadn’t got any).
He didn’t care about that and hung up on me. Then started texting spouting about trying to trust me but im not really proving myself.


5. he was all apologies etc etc but I am way past that now, I was purely going home so he wouldn’t hurt himself more.

6. The rest of the weekend was controlled by my fears and I feel trapped again.

7. He kept trying to hug and kiss me trying to prove he was sorry but I am just past it.

8. He started storming about and slamming things and then changing his mind because he wasn’t going to come to my parents and now he was.

9. He demanded he drive and then drove like an idiot speeding everywhere.

1. Nobody does that if they're not trying to intrude upon somebody else's day and make sure she's thinking about him ALL THE TIME.

2. That's exactly why he did it then. To make you scared about what you would find when you walked in.

3. You didn't think that he'd risk actually hurting himself, did you? This was to upset you and keep you in fear, not to do anything life threatening to himself.

4. The plan is to convince you that he isn't really controlling you and you're making him feel bad and hurt himself.

5. Yeah, that's what abusers do. To get you to feel sorry for them and stay.

6. That's the point. Fear. Control. More fear.

7. Ugggggggghhhhhh. Slimy, slimy, slimy.

8. Punishing you for not putting out when he kept drooling over you.

9. Don't ever get in a car with him again. He will do this to terrify you into silence, to scare you into obeying, making your body available when he wants it and if he gets caught speeding, crashes or, as in my case, ended up with a 84 year old on Warfarin bleeding profusely from the wrist where he'd fallen over from being so scared, he'll say it's your fault and you'll be to blame if he is prosecuted/he'll kill himself if he's prosecuted/you'll have to drive him everywhere if he's prosecuted/it proves how you're making him feel bad because he wanted to drive into a wall and will if you aren't there at all times.

last_mile wrote: »

.
10. i have to
i have to

No, you don't. You could drive anywhere else. How does the dog cope with cats, anyway? Next thing you'll know, you'll come home to find he's got rid of the dog because it growled at them. Or there will be a call that says the dog has attacked them or bitten him whilst chasing them (those cats will still be in your house next week), it's vicious and has to go. The dog is a threat to him. It takes away your affections and you presumably leave the house to walk it. And of course, if there are cats to worry about, you can't possibly leave him because a place might take a dog, but not a bunch of cats as well. It's the quick solution to being unable to get you pregnant to stay.


Oh, and if he's that 'stressed' at work, expect him to walk out of the job. So you 'have' to support him.



You said you'd leave if he kicked off. We could tell that wouldn't actually happen. Because we've experienced it one way or another.

He's ramping up the pressure now because he's sensing a weakness in his control. This will not get better. You'll get 'Love you and want to say goodbye' texts, he'll complain about the attention you give That Dog or that it behaves badly (because he'll want rid of it). He'll want a kitten, another puppy, a baby. Anything that keeps you indoors.



!!!!!!, I can't say this any clearer. You are being abused. Your husband is abusing you.. Deliberately. And it will never, ever stop. Unless you leave to protect yourself and your future from him.


The only way to stop this is to leave him. Divorce him. Take out a restraining order against him. Whatever - until he is out of your life, this is as good as your life will ever be.

It will not get better.



As I said before; your choice.

BrassicWoman

We are all here cheering you on. You have a choice to make, to live your own life the way you want to.


Just as he has a choice to self harm or to get help. His choice.



I hope you choose to be free. You deserve that. But I'll be here to listen whatever you choose. And it is easy to judge from outside; but you will know when it is time, and I hope that time is not too far away.


Don't be scared. You have all the emotional support in the world here. And you sound clever, and practical, and resourceful.


You got this!



xx

Doodles

I just wanted to wish you the very best, I hope this is resolved as quickly as possible for you, and you get back some much deserved peace in your life.

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

I wonder what his reaction would have been if you told him you were leaving work early to go and get one of your friends.

Savvy_Sue

last_mile wrote: »

I am not ignoring the advice I am just trying to get it right the first time.

You don't have to get it right first time. There is nothing to get right. You just have to get out.

I'm sorry if that's blunt, but we're all getting increasingly concerned for your physical and mental health.

elsien

You are not responsible for his behaviour.
It is not your responsibility to stop him self-harming.
It is not your responsibility to "keep him safe."
Even if he has mental health issues, it is still not your responsibility. He is using it to manipulate and control you. Which shows a degree of self awareness that would enable him to seek help if he chose to.
If you leave and he self harms, it is not your responsibility. And he will . Get used to that idea now. He will up the ante to try to get you to go back. That still does not make it your responsibility.

He can go to his Gp. He can go to A&E. He can call the Samaritans. If already receiving services he can call the crisis team. He can call his family/friends. He can dial 999. You do not have to take the calls and you do not have to go running back the next time he threatens to kill himself.
If it makes you feel better you can write to his GP expressing your concerns that he may hurt himself. They won't be able to discuss it with you but they will take note.
He will always use the behaviour that has worked for him so far to get the response from you that he wants. Until you change how you respond. Then he will have to find alternative coping mechanisms. The help is there for him. It doesn't have to be you.