It's Complicated

Archergirl

Someone said it a few posts back, you are in love with who you want him to be, not who he is. You don't love who and what he is so you must go and find someone else who can be that person. Yes you will struggle for a while but at the end you will be free and a happier person, PLEASE don't go to dinner you know what will happen, all of a sudden he will be the person you want him to be and you will just start all over again. You knew what you had to do when you first started this thread and you knew it would be hard, well you have done the worst part just keep up the good work and don't look back, look forward.
Sending you strength and hugs xx

sinister1

Hi Last Mile,

I had to let you know that you are not alone in this situation. I left my partner a few months ago under similar conditions and he is still trying to win me back. I have to admit I was tempted until something happened the other day and he reverted to his normal behaviour and I could see that as much as he said he would change, it's obvious he can't.

Try to get him to give you a good amount of time with no calls, messages and definitely no meeting up to give you a chance to get your head together.

You have done the hardest part and although you knew this was coming you will still find yourself grieving for the relationship you wanted.

I hope this makes sense but stay strong. Don't let him manipulate you. Get the girls together and have some good 'me' time.

elsien

While most people probably have opinions as to what LM should do, please bear in mind that none of us are in the situation and it is ultimately her decision.


What concerns me a little is a potential barrage of people telling her that she's making a mistake so that she stops coming back here and posting.
While LM is asking for opinions and feedback and I'm not saying that should stop, I think it's important that whatever she decides she feels comfortable enough to come back on here to talk things through.
LM's self esteem is possibly at a low ebb and lots of people telling her she's making a mistake isn't going to help with that. As someone else sad, it can take women a number of attempts to finally make the break and I hope we can continue to support if that is the case whatever she decides to do while she carries on exploring her options.



That's all I wanted to say.

last_mile

I went to dinner, though I took everyone’s advice into serious consideration. I felt it was the right move at the time.
I told people where I would be and that if I wasn’t back by a certain time to call.
I also checked in several times.
We talked a fair amount and people are right when you are right there in front of the person it is very hard not to give in to what they want.
But I told him I wasn’t coming home for quite a while if at all, it was honestly the best I could do with the way I was feeling in there.
I have spent some time reflecting on the conversation we have had and from the hindsight I have now I feel that it might never be right to restart the relationship.
I asked him again for time and space and again he is unable to remove his wants from the equation and calls and texts as he feels.
He is pushing way to fast on the relationship and not enough on what he needs to get himself well and it is suffocating me all over again.
I don’t want to make plans whether its for dinner tonight or a trip at the weekend.
I am not in a relationship with him right now and I need my space.

spirit

I think you are doing well LM. Sounds like he's trying to addle your brain.


Tell him you are taking a break from communications with him to allow you space to think and that you won't be texting, ringing or indeed seeing him.

Primrose

spirit wrote: »

I think you are doing well LM. Sounds like he's trying to addle your brain.


Tell him you are taking a break from communications with him to allow you space to think and that you won't be texting, ringing or indeed seeing him.

This is sound advice. Yiu need a complete real now to rediscover yourself, clarify your thoughts and start enjoying the independent freedoms you thought yiu had lost.

Only then will you be able to make a proper comparison between what he,s offering you, ie more of the same and probably worse now he,s realised you still have some independence of spirit which needs crushing or the life yiu used to have.

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

I think it is very telling that you have asked him to give you space and not text or call yet he can't even do that. Shows how much respect he has for you. If he can't even listen to a small request from you.

Primrose

Yes it's seriously irritating to me too but if you had an eye condition as bad as mine I guess you would have occasional trouble seeing the correct letters on the keyboard.

BrassicWoman

I think you are doing brillliantly; not rushing any decisions; thinking about his behaviour and if it matches his words; thinking about you for the first time in a long time.

I hope you feel some pride in taking these very important steps.

muvvahen

Dear Last Mile


You are doing so well in extraordinarily difficult circumstances. He is an adult and you do not have to take responsibility for his feelings or his behaviour, however much he may want you to do so.



And now, what about you? Imagine you had a twin sister that you adored. Imagine how you would feel if you were stood there, watching her go through what you are going through right now. Imagine what you might say to her, to make her feel as though someone really did care about her and understood the incredibly tough choices she was trying to make, the guilt she was feeling... Be your own twin sister. Look in the mirror. Find that compassion and love for yourself.



Xxxxxx