It's Complicated

Zeni

Just seen this thread and I remember reading your hen night one a little while ago. I can't really add much to all the amazing advice people have given you I just wanted to say you are so brave. You have done something incredibly hard, but have given your self the best gift you ever could and that is the freedom to live your life the way you would like to live it.

last_mile

I didn't go back to the house until last night nor did i answer any of his phone calls or texts upto that point. All communication was via his step-dad who kept an eye on him to ensure he didnt do anything silly.
When i did i took a mediator in his step-dad who i get on with really well.
I went because things needed to be said, I needed more stuff and a few things needed to be straightened out.
I did not stay there I returned to my parents house afterwards.
i told him "IF" we go back into this relationship its starting fresh and i will not bend to his will again.
we will not live together for quite some time, he has to take his meds everyday.
He must seek and attend counselling and he must work towards improving his situation.
but i did leave it with an "IF" i made no promise other than to talk it through and see how we both feel.
I also made him aware that i will not go round this circus again.
"IF" i agree to try again its on the understanding that the next time i will walk away without looking back.
yes i hear what you say about cutting him off completely and not listening to him, unfortunately family members are sucked into this by employing him and other maybe just dont get the situation quite as well and think i should give him a 2nd chance.
i am swaying as to how to handle this and so i have agreed to have dinner tonight and talk some more with him.
i have made no promises that i will return simply that we can talk over dinner.

Does this sound stupid?

Smodlet

What do you want us to say, last mile? It really does not matter what anyone else thinks; not your parents, not your friends, least of all we of your interweb acquaintance. The only, the only opinion that matters is yours. If this feels right to you, it may be something you need to do. I think I read or heard somewhere that the average number of times an abused woman leaves before she really leaves is 35...

If you believe a leopard can change its spots, I can only say I cannot think of one single, solitary instance of that happening to anyone I have ever known. If you want to try again, go ahead. If you don't, you might always wonder what if you had tried? Would it have been different? Better?

I will leave you with this thought, though it is blunt and you will not like it: Repeating the same action expecting a different result is one definition of insanity.

It is your right to do as you see fit. I very much doubt anyone on this thread will leave it or withdraw their support (for whatever that is worth) whatever you decide to do. Good luck and please stay safe!

KxMx

The people who think you should give him a second chance don't matter, only you and your feelings and wishes do.

Following my parents separation my 13 year old brother stopped talking to our Dad. There were plenty of family members who had their say that he should talk to him. Those that were told the real reasons never said that again.

I wish you all the best in these difficult days, please don't stop posting and follow what YOU feel and what YOU want.

lessonlearned

It's not our decision, nor is it anyone in your family's decision. The only person who can decide what to do is you.

Stay safe and keep posting (if you wish to).

Mojisola

last_mile wrote: »

A bit of back story is that my husband has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety but it made the last few years really difficult.

He also uses it as a cover for his demanding and controlling ways (which have been going on much longer).

last_mile wrote: »

yes i hear what you say about cutting him off completely and not listening to him, unfortunately family members are sucked into this by employing him and other maybe just dont get the situation quite as well and think i should give him a 2nd chance.

This is probably the first they are hearing about your relationship problems and are under-estimating what it's taken to get you to actually leave.

You've given him more than a second chance - he's had chance after chance and always gone back on his promises to change.

Hold firm - it would extremely rare for him to permanently change the way he behaves towards you.

How many times do you want to go through this before you finally make the break?

calleyw

I know I said I was out of this. As never thought you would leave.


But being brutal here. You have gone and done exactly what I knew you would do. If you left him. You are going to go back. Its obvious from all the if's and excuses again. Its none of your families business.



You have given him a foot in the door. Of course he will do all that you ask, so he can get you under his thumb again.


You need to crow bar this in to your head. He wont change ever.


I was too young to understand what was going on so could not help. But I had two female friends who where trapped in relationships. One was physical, emotional and finance abuse. Cut her off from friends and family.



Another had emotional abuse. I met him so he knew who her friends where. Once they got home, he told her I was s1ut and wh0re. She finally came to her senses and I believe doing very well for her self.


I hope you come to your senses very soon. As nothing will change. You seem over the weekend to have forgotten how he made you feel. How you dreaded going home. How you had to answer to his every whim. It will go back to the way it was before. And you will back on the forum asking for advice at some time in the future.



You left for a reason, keep that at the forefront of your mind. His well fare is not your concern.


Move on and find someone who deserves you.


All the best


Yours


Calley x

spirit

Unfortunately, these family members of his have their own agenda. It's in their interest for you to still be involved with him, that way, they don't have to deal with the fallout.


Also, by seeing him this evening - alone or in a public place? He will use all his tactics to reign you in again.

Primrose

I appreciate that the family employment situation is complicsting the situation somewhat for other family members who are being dragged into this.
All I will say is that I think you have compromised your situation too early. Already he must be thinking that he is in with a chance again however definite your big IF conditions may have been meant by you at the time.

48 hours is nowhere near long enough for him to have had time to fully reflect. bluntly This won't even have covered the time taken to need the dishwasher being run and emtied, the weekly laundry done, the beds stripped and the weekly groceries bought and packed away. Ie, he hasn,t yet had time to reflect and miss what your absence is going to mean in practical terms to his life, let alone the emotional ones, yet you are already agreeing to have dinner with him tonight.

Please reconsider and cancel the dinner. And PLEASE don,t tell me you arranged it in your house where the two of you will be alone and there will be nobody to protect you if he turns violent. That would be the height of utter madness, however well you think you know him. Don't you ever read the newspapers? . This is how the bodies of murdered wives happen.

Tell him it is too soon. Don,t see or contact him for at least a month. Your brain and your emotions need to get back on a more even keel and this will have given him a chance to see whether he,s serious about getting back on his medication and seeking counselling. And you need to start getting a taste of the emotional freedom you have always sought

I personally don,t believe, even if you reconcile, that your relationship has much chance of getting back to where yiu want it to be. But if yiu are determined to give it a try, it will stand no chance at all until he had had a period of absolutely no contact whatsoever with you which is long enough for him to fully understand what losing you permanently will be like.

lessonlearned

lessonlearned wrote: »

It's not our decision, nor is it anyone in your family's decision. The only person who can decide what to do is you.

Stay safe and keep posting (if you wish to).

I know I said no one can make your decision for you and it really is none of my business, but I want to tell you something......

My dad was just like your husband. He died when he was 90. He never changed. He was an emotional abuser and bully till the day he died.

He and mum were married for 67 years. She put up with the same kind of nonsense for all of their marriage. He would promise to change his behaviour, he would weep, he would beg and plead, he would threaten self harm. She caved in every single time. Within a matter of days he would be back to his old tricks.

The thing is people like your husband and my father can't change. It's who and what they are. They are narcissists.

Narcissism is a sickness and there's no cure.