It's Complicated

itsanne

You didn't come to the decision to leave lightly - you thought and thought and worried and worried. Right now you're completely unsettled, still upset and not yet enjoying simply living without anxiety. You don't yet know what it feels like to be free. You need to give time for the dust to settle before even thinking about allowing him back into your life. It's far too soon to see him now.

At the the very least, a relationship should make you feel better within it than without it. If he did everything you have said he needs to do, would you feel better with him than separated? Or would you spend the whole time walking on eggshells, constantly acting in the way that he wants and avoiding things because of how he will react? You don't have to answer that, but please think about it.

You have one life. If you do decide to continue, it should be because it is what you want, because you really want to share your life with him, not to make life easier for anyone else or because other people think you should. They aren't the ones who'll be living with the consequences (bad or good), you will be.

Whatever you do, don't see him on your own. Please, please, please stay safe.

kezzygirl

last_mile wrote: »

I didn't go back to the house until last night nor did i answer any of his phone calls or texts upto that point. All communication was via his step-dad who kept an eye on him to ensure he didnt do anything silly.
When i did i took a mediator in his step-dad who i get on with really well.
I went because things needed to be said, I needed more stuff and a few things needed to be straightened out.
I did not stay there I returned to my parents house afterwards.
i told him "IF" we go back into this relationship its starting fresh and i will not bend to his will again.
we will not live together for quite some time, he has to take his meds everyday.
He must seek and attend counselling and he must work towards improving his situation.
but i did leave it with an "IF" i made no promise other than to talk it through and see how we both feel.
I also made him aware that i will not go round this circus again.
"IF" i agree to try again its on the understanding that the next time i will walk away without looking back.
yes i hear what you say about cutting him off completely and not listening to him, unfortunately family members are sucked into this by employing him and other maybe just dont get the situation quite as well and think i should give him a 2nd chance.
i am swaying as to how to handle this and so i have agreed to have dinner tonight and talk some more with him.
i have made no promises that i will return simply that we can talk over dinner.

Does this sound stupid?

Hate to break it to You, but you have already "bent to his will" by agreeing to meet him for dinner.

Happier_Me

Strangely enough my younger brother worked with my ex when we split up. He still Iived with my parents and I moved back there too after we separated. Ex picked up and dropped my brother off every day for a good while after our split.

The thing is your family will deal with it, mine did. My brother wanted what was best for me and found a way to protect me (by not discussing me) and still.managed to keep the peace with my ex. Ex was on his best behaviour with my brother because he was trying to weedle his way back into my life.

My dad simply wouldn't let him into the house so the lifts soon stopped once he realised his attempts were futile anyway. Don't use family as a reason to go back...they are adults and they will deal with any fall out.

You have spent weeks building up to leaving him and two days later you are talking about a possible reconciliation! Think back to a week ago and how you felt! What was driving your decision to leave? Were you convinced he wouldn't change and you needed to leave once and for all? Or were you leaving to teach him a lesson and force him to change his ways? YOU know the answer to those two questions already! Either way, cancel the meal, you need time to heal and he needs to time to sweat (ideally for the rest of his life, but that's your call).

BrassicWoman

I think you may be in love with the idea of who a better version of him could be


He's not that person. He's shown you over and over that he is not.


Wishing you strength.


xx

Smodlet

Only another 34 attempts to go... Seriously, last mile, what were you expecting to hear?

unholyangel

I'm going to echo some of the good advice thats already been given.

You're so used to having him control your life that its going to take a while for you to find yourself again. You need time away from him to do that, time to see what it feels like to not have him in your life. You can't do that if you're still going on dates with him and talking to him regularly.

If he cared about what you want and any of the complaints you've voiced, he would be giving you breathing room right now, acknowledging that he's been wrong in his overbearing attitude towards you and trying to control you all the time. Instead, he's still continuing to put pressure on you to get what he wants, just he's being sleekit (sorry, scottish word but very apt in the circumstances imo) about it so it seems like he's heard you.

And I don't mean he hasn't told you he was wrong. He very likely has (they usually do). But his words are at odds with his actions/what he's asking from you so he clearly doesn't think he's done anything wrong and its just empty promises.


As for the other people. Be wary. Remember what I said in my previous post about doubting yourself? Its not just limited to your relationship with him. When you're under that sort of control, you are constantly having your opinions/feelings undermined to the point where you won't trust your own judgement anymore and will constantly self doubt. You're more susceptible to other peoples opinions right now. Which is why I feel its important to have a considerable period away from him with no contact so you can find yourself again.

You obviously knew subconsciously something was wrong with his behaviour and it wasn't acceptable to you or you wouldn't have posted on here in the first place. You weren't looking to be told what to do, you were just looking for confirmation of and confidence in what you already knew yourself. Don't go back to doubting yourself just because someone (who wasn't part of your relationship) disagrees with you.

Anyway, it is your life & your decision to make. Don't be scared to trust yourself though.

SnuggleBuggles

Hey Last Mile

Whether or not you get back with him is ultimately your choice. My fear is, however, if you thought he was insecure and controlling before, those behaviours will be ramped up ten notches now. He'll follow you to the toilet, so not to let you out of his sight for one second, he'll confiscate your phone, monitor your calls. All the time he'll be blaming you saying "you brought it on yourself (by leaving him) and by proving you can't be trusted". I worry that his behaviour will become more stifling and controlling than you've ever known before.

Whatever you decide, I wish you peace and happiness. Take care and please don't rush into anything xx

YoungBlueEyes

Last Mile re-read all of this thread. Then re-read it all again. Then re-read all your old posts regarding him. And re-read them all again too.

Listen to yourself.

Smodlet

It is last mile's choice. Nothing more we can do until more words come, I feel.

efes_shareholder

off course he wants you back , he has lost control

It took all your strength to leave , stay strong and don't let your current vulnerabilty and emotions send you back

once you go back , he gains more power over you.

If you haven't yet suffered enough then return but you will become more and more unhappy in yourself as you will accept less and less

YOU HAVE DONE THE HARDEST PART