It's Complicated

BrassicWoman

you're doing great


my phone has an option to block numbers. I can unblock them later if I feel like it.


Or change the name saved to "do not answer"?

Smodlet

BrassicWoman wrote: »

you're doing great


my phone has an option to block numbers. I can unblock them later if I feel like it.


Or change the name saved to "do not answer"?

... Did I mention I am severely technologically challenged? Otherwise, I might have suggested these options.

VintageHistorian

Have been lurking on this thread but felt compelled to post. You've said you need space and he can't even be bothered to respect that. I think that says a lot more than he realises.

Emotional abuse has a huge impact on you. You forget what "normal" is. The life that he has crafted for you is the your normal, and that's what makes you stay. To you it's easy to just "put up" with it. So what you're feeling now is completely natural. You're now taking tentative steps to work out what "normal" really means, and it's very scary. It's a bit like moving to a new country, one where you remember the language from school but otherwise it's all very unfamiliar.

Put the phone away. Nothing good is going to come from reading his messages or seeing that he's calling again. I don't know if your family is aware that you've left him, but I'd recommend texting any key people saying that you can be reached on your friend's number, and then put your phone away where you can't see or hear it.

You have been so, so brave. It's scary to think about how the past few years have gone, and it's scary to think about how the next few years in the future will go. So instead just focus on today. Do some of the things he wouldn't let you do. Take as long as you want having a coffee in a cafe. Make exactly what you want for dinner. Spend your evening watching whatever you want on telly. All those things that he kept interrupting with his whining, his demands, his insistence that you do what he wants you to do. You can't keep being endlessly responsible for him and his happiness, that's not how relationships work.

And if what you really want to do is sit down and have a little cry and feel a sense of mourning, then do that too. If any of us could put our arms around you and give you a big hug, then we would. So I'm afraid it'll have to be a digital hug. But it's from a lot of digital people, so hopefully it can be felt.

And start steeling yourself for what's going to come. He's going to start casting the blame around on everyone except himself. Abusers never see themselves as in the wrong. To him it'll be your fault because you left. It'll be your friend's fault for encouraging and supporting you. It'll be your family's fault for driving a wedge between you. It'll be the fault of people at work for not speaking up in his defence. It'll be the fault of your next door neighbour for not seeing you walk out with a bag. It'll be the fault of a supermarket cashier because they let you buy a bar of chocolate without permission the other week.

None of it is your fault or theirs. It's him. But he'll try to make sure no one thinks that, so you're going to have to find a bit more strength and endurance to get through it.

lessonlearned

Some excellent advice there.

I would second it. Block his calls and messages. Just shut them out, you don't need to see them or hear his voice. Then tell your family and close friends so they know what's going on in case he starts pestering them and bad mouthing you. Just keep them in the loop.

If he starts getting nasty and hounding you or stalking you then involve the police.

As for the rest just enjoy the here and now. You don't have to think or make decisions about your future just yet. It's early days. Just lick your wounds and gather your strength.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

You can get a PAYG phone for about £20 from Tesco.

New Number, turn off the old phone, no need to receive messages from him, no need to feel that dip in your stomach as soon as you hear a message alert or ringtone. That way, he can't use another phone to contact you and you can actually take a breather from his continued pestering. (and if he's set up a Find My Phone thing on his computer to track you, it won't be able to find it/you).

Primrose

Well done! It must have felt like jumping off a cliff but YOU HAVE DONE IT AND YOu ARE STILL ALIVE. Be very very proud of yourself!

Now please just be very patient with yourself for a while. You will experience a whole raft of new emotions and although they may make you feel sad, empty, numb or whatever, realise that you have to go through these as part of the healing process. Feeling and experiencing them will actually help you in a perverse way because you may start to realise that he has caused you to have to all this grief for forcing yiu to have to undergo this process just to get away from him and become yourself again.

I hope that as the days pass yiu will slowly start to feel your real personality starting to come to the surface again like streaks of sun theiugh the storm clouds.

The advice abiut changing your phone and number is a good one if that is possible. Feeling stalked will only delay your ability to leave the past behind. And whatever happens, dont in any circumstances go back to the house to collect anything unaccompanied in case he suddenly becomes so totallly unhinged that he becomes physically dangerous.

If yiu really need to go back for anything for some urgent reason, try and contact your local police team and see if an officer will accompany you. That will give a vert serious message that you are not going to be messed around by him any longer.

Please try and have a peaceful day. This is hopefully the beginning of a new and calmer life for you. Well done !

YoungBlueEyes

I agree with JoJo about the PAYG phone.

I wouldn't switch off or block him on the 'old' one though. I'm sorry to say this - I don't want to burst your bubble - but you may need evidence. Just flick it to silent and pop it in a drawer. Or maybe give it to your friend so they can keep it charged

Good luck to you LM, we're all rooting for you! :T:beer:

KronarSZ

You need to realize that every single thing he does and says is with the intent to win you back so he can return everything back to the way it was. Do not believe a word he says as he will know exactly what to say to manipulate you.

You would be best off blocking his cell phone and never speaking to him again besides through an attorney. Once you have gone no contact he will show up at your work with the intent to make a scene to force you to talk to him.

Does your workplace have a security guard? How close are you to your boss? I know it will be hard but I think the best thing to do would be to discuss with your boss how you have just left an abusive relationship and it is possible that he may show up at your place of work. Hopefully your boss will be supportive.

Happier_Me

Hi Last mile

Wow, well done... now you need to stay strong and NOT go back to him. It is not an option if you want a better life.

It's been over 20 years since I was in a similar situation, but I still remember feeling 'wrong' for a long time after I split from him. I'd become very isolated and felt incredibly lonely for a good few months after the split, despite having close family and being able to save a couple of friendships. It was hard not to go back... honestly, much harder than leaving him in the first place. It took me a while to realise that I didn't feel wrong, just different and then different turned into feeling great!

If you're feeling like your resolve is wavering at any point come back to this thread and tell us. We can help you remember why you left him in the first place.

Hopefully, this is not where your head is at! But the urge to give in and go back was so strong for me I wanted to post just in case you go down that road too.

Primrose

Happier Me makes a good point. There's a risk that at some point, if you hit a low patch, you may feel briefly tempted to go back because you might recall a few of the better times in your relationship and your memory is blanking out the bad periods and the reason why you had to leave.


Be aware of this and don't allow yourself to be tricked into believing that if you go back everything will be sunshine and roses this time. It won't. Needy emotionally abusive people can't change their personalities. They just become better actors when they know its in their interest to put on a good performance!. Don't allow yourself to be fooled.