taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

fantasyvsreality said:

Just wanted to come out of lurking in response to your last post. What you have written resonated with me as my mum is terminally ill at the moment and I can relate to being the one in the family doing all the emotional and physical support. With everything you are juggling I think you are doing an amazing job! Sometimes it is incredibly hard to ask for what you need and we hope people will see how difficult life is for us but alas they are often wrapped up their own worlds. Talk to NM about how you are feeling, if he is a good one he will make efforts to reassure you and give you extra cuddles. 

And buy the trainers if they make you happy. F@@K IT! There will be time for saving later, give yourself any opportunity for positive strokes. Look after you, you are dealing with so much. 

Thanks for taking time to post , its nice to know that there are others in similar situations who understand what I'm feeling. 

I've had a day or two where I'm just bursting in to tears for no apparant reason .

I did talk to NM via a video call and he was concerned how upset I was , he told me I need to talk to the family and also told me that he is very patient and he knows the situation isn't forever and he has no intention of leaving my side. 

unfortunately the sister triggered me slightly - I have a weekend away booked in September , a regular music event. I know that there is a possibility I won't be able to go or due to care requirements I won't be able to stay the full 3 nights , to be honest I didn't expect too. She then tells me that two of our friends have approached her and she has agreed to go with them on the same weekend !! No consultation , no discussion , no nothing - another example of her thinking of herself first.
Shes already away that month so I was of the understanding I would take care of everything then and she would when I was away. Now there is a chance that come september things may have changed , however there is also a chance they won't have.
I've said to her , I don't think its possible for us both to be away and she said "we will sort something out " and suggested we get more help from Macmillan and our children. I've told her the situation is hers to sort out , my children by then will all live at least an hour away , and as they help me already when no one else is about I won't be expecting too ..............Particularly as I didn't create the need for it.
Its made me so blooming angry that once again I don't particularly want to talk to her !! 
Shes been in this morning and is now having an afternoon at the pub and tomorrow a day in southend 
I'm not organising anything re that weekend as as far as I am concerned I have to organise every time I leave the house for more then 2 hours and someone else can sort it out.
Shes coming back on Sunday so i'm off to NM's and she has annual leave booked so I wont be back until Tuesday morning , she touched on me coming back during the day on monday so she could pop off to get some bits done , I won't be , she can work round it as I have to do all the time

efes_shareholder

I had nearly a whole 48 hours away and I feel so much calmer for it , along with my supervisor being back on the team so work isn't so frantic , I feel like I've had a little recharge.
Saturday afternoon my daughter came over so I could go in to town with NM to have birthday drinks in a bar in shoreditch , i came home very squiffy but only spent £8 on my train fare and £12 on the first drink for NM and I - then the processco was flowing from various other friends and I was a bit to the wind but sobered up quickly when I got home and the afternoon drinking headache came on. NM then went off to work and i was home until Sunday lunchtime , NM and I took a trip to an outlet village and then on to our friends for sunday lunch in the garden , it was lovely albeit a little cold. We got home pretty late and then yesterday just went to do his food shop and to the local market , i cooked a chicken fajita pie and a chilli pasta bake for NM to eat during the week and I cooked us steak which we had with a feta salad and potato gratin , came back this morning and felt totally refreshed - long may it last.
I think I just have to accept that there some of my family aren't prepared to make the sacrafices that I do.
I've got some annual leave to book and it would be nice to get away but as my sister doesn't get her shifts until a thursday and NM generally has Sundays and mondays off its difficult to book but even a stop over in brighton would be a nice option just to have a walk through the lanes and a little pub crawl.
Been paid , i'm a little muddled with what I do and don't have , the CT scan is on my every day  c/card bill and the money in my current account , the balance doesn't need to be paid until June , seeing the balance on the card is bothering me but I like seeing the money in my account and want to look at it a little longer so I just won't look at the c/card balance. All my direct debits and my house keep has gone out of my account and where I've joined my salary to my EF , i'm not quite sure what I have in surplus. I know I do have a surplus so need to tap out a few figures
I've paid £300 to the tesco 0% card , that balance is now down to 2400 ,  My car insurance is due for renewal next month which I plan to pay all at once so if i allocate the £45 payment usually for the  car insurance  to the tesco card too the tesco card should be clear in just over 6 months
My car loan has 6 more payments so if everything goes to plan I will be debt free by December. Off course the house sale may mean this can be sooner but it seems to have hit another delay so I'm forgetting about that for the moment and to be honest I'd rather clear the debts using my salary and retain as much as of the house sale money as possibly. I can't wait for the payments to be finished , every month its deflating to see my account dwindle down to the bare bones with payments for historic spends.
I have £6600 in my bonds which is basically my furniture/ef fund when I am a homeowner , my friend has just gifted me an american fridge freezer and dishwasher which I am going to put in the garage for either when I get things done here or buy my own place, we dont have space currently in the kitchen for a dishwasher but I can change the fridge freezer over so I may do that instead of storing it.

efes_shareholder

so checked my score on noddle , and my balances are 75% of what they were 3 months ago , I'll take some encouragement from that but it seems never ending. however working on that basis , in 9 months time my totals will be zero.
House is now pushed back as the bottom of the chain mortgage offer expired and had to be renewed ,believe this is now done and they are working on new dates which i'd anticipate to sync with the next bank holiday , this again seems to be taking forever but I guess I'd be more frustrated if I was actually trying to buy myself.
My stomach has played up the last few days , have remembered to order my repeat scripts , the cost of them is absolutely scandalous but needs must. 
Mum had her 2nd jab today , she seems quick wobbly and weak and a little snappy to be honest , I know her belly isnt giving her much notice and is not being kind but she won't accept any help and has chosen to snap at me instead when I for about the 1765797349743rd time reminded her that wherever she goes , her frame needed to go with her. Looks like messed clothes and a messed bed but I log off of work in 10 minutes so I'll assess and see if i get a better response then. I didnt sleep well last night as she dropped several things which I thought were her falling and couldn't settle , I'm hoping for more success tonight. 
Macmillan and the district team are both of the opinion that we don't need much assistance from them right now which is probably accurate as the symptons are managed as they can be but I think it particulary concerning as I fret that I won't notice subtle changes , not being a qualified health practinor.
Today actually marks 3 calender months from diagnosis , If you had asked me 3 months ago if I thought mum would still be here , I would have said no but she is here , probably about 8 stone lighter then she was 6 months ago but shes here. No one can give us any indication of anything other then she is expected to survive months rather then years and I think thats where I struggle , i'm a control freak , I like to have a plan A , plan B , C ,D all the way to Z  and right now I'm in limbo , there can be no plans , just gratitude for the days .

DancingInTheRain

https://www.nhsbsa.nhs.uk/help-nhs-prescription-costs/prescription-prepayment-certificates-ppcs
might be worth looking at for prescription costs if you don't have one already.
I've got 1 prescription that needs renewed every 4 weeks and it saves me money on that so if you have more than 1 prescription there's decent savings to be made, better in your pocket 🙂

Pleased you've had a more relaxed weekend, life has been so full on for you recently. You're juggling so much and I really admire how you get through each day!
Take care x

efes_shareholder

DancingInTheRain said:

https://www.nhsbsa.nhs.uk/help-nhs-prescription-costs/prescription-prepayment-certificates-ppcs
might be worth looking at for prescription costs if you don't have one already.
I've got 1 prescription that needs renewed every 4 weeks and it saves me money on that so if you have more than 1 prescription there's decent savings to be made, better in your pocket 🙂

Pleased you've had a more relaxed weekend, life has been so full on for you recently. You're juggling so much and I really admire how you get through each day!
Take care x

oh thank you , thats really helpful , I think I'll give a 3 month script a trial as my painkillers are monthly and I have two lots so it will save a few quid there , I've got some asthma inhalers to collect which I rarely need but like to have but I haven't picked them up and it seems like robbery to pay £18 odd pound for two pumps ! I also have digestion scripts so yes absolutely worthwhile for me - thank you for the suggestion.
Thank you also for the words of encouragement , it really helps to keep me going , I think in these circumstances we all just go in to survival mode/auto pilot and get on with it. We don't have a choice. 

efes_shareholder

so my daughter has just let me know that the house has now exchanged and they will be moving next wednesday 
My ex has not told me anything , I guess thats not a surprise as he hasn't through the entire process.
I've been on to my solicitor who is taking care of the transfer of funds to me as I need to sign some paperwork and sign for the privilege of the money etc.
Bit frustrating that I will have the funds to do as I've really wanted to for so long but not the circumstances but hey ho.
I'm going to top up my prem bonds to the max of 50k and then look for the best place to put the remainder on a short term basis 
Mum had a terrible latter part of the day yesterday , i spent most of it up to my arms in poo as she forgot crucial medication when left unintended , and then we had a lot of sickness , could be linked to her 2nd covid jab as well as the cancer. Shes been very snappy with me the last 24 hours , when I was trying to help her clean herself up and then when I suggested she put her bed up to eat her lunch ...................apparantly i'm always telling her what to do , so I shall now shut up !!!! 

DancingInTheRain

At least the house sale is done and dusted and you'll have the finances accessible for when the time is right to make the next step.
Sorry to hear you've had a rough time with your Mum, that's so tough (on both of you). Hope you get a little respite soon.
Take care x

efes_shareholder

DancingInTheRain said:

At least the house sale is done and dusted and you'll have the finances accessible for when the time is right to make the next step.
Sorry to hear you've had a rough time with your Mum, that's so tough (on both of you). Hope you get a little respite soon.
Take care x

yes , the positive is that the funds now give me choice.
Just need to decide if I'm going to clear the remaining debt and then save , save , save and replenish or whether I just let it tick away until such time as I can invest

efes_shareholder

its another tough night with mum , both medication and dinner both bought up tonight and he volumne was something else , much much more then she ate without going in to too much information or being too graphic.
I rang the isobel out of hours team and they were pretty useless , my concern is that since its been a few days of evening sickness now she has some kind of stomach blockage but its quite apparant that I won't get an answer to that tonight so I'll wait until the morning and call the GP and the district nursing team. She spoke a lot today about her concerns about the progression of the cancer and the not knowing if things have spread etc so I don't know if there is a little bit of an anxiety factor. she said she had been grumpy with me because she has been feeling rotten for a few days which I completely get.  I'm again feeling out of my depth but hopefully tomorrow we will get some assistance. 
In other news , its been no spend day - I do need petrol but I'm not going anywhere so it can wait and I haven't left the house to be able to spend .

vampirotoothus

I read but don't post much. I just want to send you positive vibes at this difficult time x