taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

She just doesn't see it from your perspective. And 'you're there anyway'. She has no idea at all. 
Glad you've got to do your errands. Especially with your daughter. Seems mad for that to be a luxury but here we are. 

Well done on the PIP award. Hope its made a big difference to her finances. I also hope she's opening up a bit more so you can help her with it. I'm sure she isn’t but we can hope - she agreed to go on the hospice list! 

Will your daughter be moving in with you once the move has gone through? Xxxx

sorry missed your last question , she is going with her dad for now just because she knows the house here in a less then perfect state and she has to live somewhere. 
She is planning on looking for a job closer to the new house and if she finds one I think she will stay up there and if she doesn't I'm pretty sure that once I'm sorted she will back under my roof. Its an unknown at the moment.
As it stands the completion is still set for the 29th april subject to the solicitors signing off the last of the paperwork. 

Had my scan yesterday , very very quick - Actually wondered why it cost so much considering how quick it was !!

My stomach has been full of gas today , I'm literally gavisconed up to the eyeballs and belching a fine old melody  - not attractive

Spent a nice day with NM and cooked us a steak dinner last night , I think maybe the red meat has been a bit tricky for me to digest , I drank a little too much wine but with a whole 24 hours off it seemed like I should.
I'm back there on wednesday , am going to cook us Chicken stuffed with herb philidelphia and spinach and a tomato and auborgine tray bake with daphanause potatoes , Hopefully it will be a hit - I'm then getting saturday evening off so I'm hopeful of a takeaway or al fresco dining ............we shall see but I've spoilt him with the cooking lately so a little treat would be nice.

Came home and drove my sister to pick the new car up from my mechanic , its a nice little runner for the money and she is very happy with it , Told her she needs to start making sure she looks after it to keep it that way as she has a habit of picking up nice tidy little runners and ruining them.
Also had a pep talk with her about berating the now ex on social media , she really went to town on saturday night and I get she is hurt and upset but we never know who we are dealing with in this world so you have to step away and just let them crack on.

Did the food shop for home this evening and picked up my holland and barrett order , also had to top my car up so I've put £30 in hoping this gets me to payday , can't see any reason why not as only really going to NM and back.

efes_shareholder

lunch spend today of £12.60 for my friends birthday , just an hour during my lunch but nice to see friends and get some normality - mum had a heart scan which my sister and uncle took her too , My sister went round there to see our friends once I got home.
Cooked mum a home made spanish chicken tonight with a spare pot to take to NM's tomorrow , it seems effort to cook from scratch when we get so much waste so this means he can get the excess as I haven't mastered how to cook one portion plus a toddler portion.
Trainers arrived , I have to stop buying them , the collection is pretty varse but i keep finding colour schemes missing 
felt pretty poorly today , doc has issued some new painkillers designed to target nerves , i did have a problem with the right side of my body a good few years ago and it appears I still have it , my stomach pain is all right sided and it pretty much goes from my head to my toes at times and burns pretty constantly  , oh well all will become clear or maybe not - I have a phone consultation with my own surgery tomorrow.
Tomorrow a test drive with my daughter in my lunch hour so will have to be quick , she has lowered her budget slightly and i have told her all about APR's as she will finance some of the new purchase
house exchange put back further as the chain below our buyer is not ready yet........having spoken to a work mate who sold before us and is still waiting it doesnt sound like its unusual in this current climate but it is frustrating none the less 
The annual statement to the equity on mums house has arrived so I have some idea of the outstanding amounts 

efes_shareholder

so cat scan results are back and nothing abnormal  , in fact the only thing of any note was a small cyst on my liver which the GI said I was probably born with 
Its reassurring but at the same time a bit frustrating , I've had every test under the sun aside from the cameras and I'm closer to the cause , however at least I can rule out anything sinister in my abdomen and pelvis. The GI suggested I dont spend any more money and I wait patiently for the camera investigations. I think I will take his advise.
I'm pretty sure this is linked to my endo and adenomyosis as I am currently having my 3rd period of this month and my ride side pain is off the hook - it spreads to my arm , chest and boob all on the right side and down my legs................managed to get an actual GP appt with a female doc next week so hopefully i'll get a more sympathetic approach. 

£750 safely set aside for when this bill needs to be paid.

Easyjet refused my refund for canx flights and wanted to give me yet another voucher so I got on the phone to them and now have a refund coming back to the card , shame that its the 2nd year in a row the trip is cancelled but now i'd rather have the money as there is no gaurentee EJ will still cover the route when I look at the disruption to the schedule. Had a call to say we are welcome to still go as a few are going as a holiday but i'm in no position to commit 

Mum not too bad , had a heart scan at hospital on Tues which took it out of her , 2 tables of 6 booked for tomorrow at our local pub , couple of local friends going to join us for the afternoon too as its mums birthday (gonna take laptop and hopefully blag an extended lunchbreak)

Currently have around £200 left from this months salary , need to pop £20 in a card for my neice birthday on sat , pub lunch tomorrow inc a few treats for mum ( presents already bought ) planning on a trip to the coast to visit a friend on my day off on saturday so maybe a take away there , allowing for the scan I've still got £700 in th left over wage pot so no concerns right now.

Kitten868

I'm glad that the scan didn't show up anything untoward whilst also sorry that you're no closer to a result. I know its hard. Worse than hard. I think you did the right thing booking it in privately. It does take so much out of the equation. Adenomyosis and endometriosis can reek absolute havoc on your body and be total agony. 

I'm very glad you have such lovely things planned. Your such a powerful soul still carving out happiness despite all whats going on. Hope it was good fun today and you did get your extra lunch break. 

Good plan getting the refund from easy jet. Better in your pocket than theirs and you can choose where to book when you know who is open and safe. And when you'll want to book around your mum xxxx

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

I'm glad that the scan didn't show up anything untoward whilst also sorry that you're no closer to a result. I know its hard. Worse than hard. I think you did the right thing booking it in privately. It does take so much out of the equation. Adenomyosis and endometriosis can reek absolute havoc on your body and be total agony. 

I'm very glad you have such lovely things planned. Your such a powerful soul still carving out happiness despite all whats going on. Hope it was good fun today and you did get your extra lunch break. 

Good plan getting the refund from easy jet. Better in your pocket than theirs and you can choose where to book when you know who is open and safe. And when you'll want to book around your mum xxxx

I'm pretty sure what I am experiencing is endo related now but until I have the camera checks I can't be certain and if what I am reading is correct , its either put up with it or have it all out which is a battle to get - The lady doctor suggested I am starting the change which considering my mum was a similar age and I was only 9 when I started my periods , is quite possibly happening too. Still I need to stop getting anxious over it.

Mum had a lovely birthday and got lots of nice day clothes that fit so she can now get dressed to go out , we pushed her to the pub with all the family and a handful of friends and put her in a sash and a tiara and decorated the chair with birthday balloons so she rightly felt very special , she managed a prawn cocktail and a bit of cake although the day did take it out of her and she didnt want much more later on , she had a lovely time - NM bought her some lovely flowers too.

We visited my friend on the coast saturday evening and when she said she had a bar in her new house , I wasn't prepared for the fact it was actually more like a proper pub !! stayed longer then expected , drank more then intended but it was lovely to catch up even if I did suffer for it the following day.
We decided to push yesterdays friend stop on a week as two long journeys in as many days and I couldn't leave until quite late in the day as my nephew had a football match and as my sister hasn't watched him yet I suggested she should. Next week is also a bank holiday so if it runs late at least I dont have to be at work for 8.

Friday night I sorted my wardrobe out so have two bags for the charity shop , some of the stuff is probably good enough for ebay as some is unworn but I have neither the time or the inclination to sort that out so I'll take it to the isobel hospice shop as its close to our hearts

efes_shareholder

I've got a moody head on , life feels very overwhelming with very little too look forward too.
yesterday was manic , one of my work team is on annual leave so its down to 2 of us and it really rams up my work load , pressure right now I don't cope with well. Gardner arrived yesterday 2 days early , constant knocking on the door whilst I was trying to work , for the lawnmower , for it to be plugged in , for me to look at what he had done , to pay him ! Well intended neighbours knocking too. Carer calling me down to sort out medication which had run out , calls to chemists and doctors to sort that out and a jourmey to the chemist to be told it wasnt ready ready and come back later  , mums DWP award letter arrived and its wrong so another phone call and on hold for 40 minutes , mum wanting me to make up egg mayo sandwiches for her lunch ( she had put the eggs on to boil herself ) was possibly my final straw , I mean when in the day have I got time to boil the !!!!!! eggs , wait for them to cool , chop and mix them etc etc , can we not just buy a sodding pot from the supermarket !!!! Went to the supermarket to get said pot and back to the chemist , for the carer to then ask me if I can add baby wipes to the shopping list ...............AARRRGGH 

I got mum settled for the night and bolted to NM's for wine and a soak in the bath , I arrived with a face like thunder apparantly !!
Got home at 6.30am to find mums bed table all over the place , things on the floor , her water bottle spilt , night pants in the bin soiled side up ( can you not bag them up !!!! ) washing basket full and coffee all over the work top 

Will someone drop me out !!!!

This week is one where I will very likely implode

Kitten868

Poor you. I think everyone would find that challenging. It's exhausting and relentless. And as you say you have no issue with her having an accident - it's presenting it to you. It's not that she fancied a egg mayo sandwich - it's expecting you to drop everything and make it from scratch immediately. But times a million every time you try to do anything. Can you get a solid 48 hours away? To just get on with work without fielding 20 phone calls about your mum? 

There are definitely things to look forward to and this won't be forever. It feels now like it will be never ending. But it won't be. You will get through this. It just is non stop and hard. You are doing so well. You have so much strength in you. Keep going xxx

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

Poor you. I think everyone would find that challenging. It's exhausting and relentless. And as you say you have no issue with her having an accident - it's presenting it to you. It's not that she fancied a egg mayo sandwich - it's expecting you to drop everything and make it from scratch immediately. But times a million every time you try to do anything. Can you get a solid 48 hours away? To just get on with work without fielding 20 phone calls about your mum? 

There are definitely things to look forward to and this won't be forever. It feels now like it will be never ending. But it won't be. You will get through this. It just is non stop and hard. You are doing so well. You have so much strength in you. Keep going xxx

not sure to be honest , it will have to be planned but I'd like a little coastal break , my holiday being cancelled is actually a god send but i'd like a little pamper time if it can be accomodated , i wouldnt go far , an hour or two drive at most - i have a week off in June for the holiday and i dont think we are allowed to cancel annual leave at work because of covid , the company dont want people ending up with loads of holiday to use once restrictions are lifted  , i will ask my boss if i can maybe scatter it around rather then have it all at once for no purpose  but if not circumstances allowing i'd like to get away during it. If I can't having seen the garage yesterday I will use it to start trying to clear the garage out as at some point this is going to need to be done.

My boss confirmed to me today that I won't be included on the back to the office rota which is to be implicated over the coming weeks and he will not be expecting me to come in so I'm not too worry about it and he will sort it with the Managing director and HR so it was nice that I haven't had to ask and he has given me that reassurance , I could probably at a push go in here or there but it would have to be as and when there are people around to cover me

I honestly think my family forget that whilst everything is going on and I am dealing with all the agencies ,health authorities , drs , chemists ,benefiets etc etc I am also working from 8am until 5pm

Easyjet refund has hit and i'm fighting the urge to buy a light barbour jacket for the summer evenings , I've wanted one for ages and I could do with one however do I need one ? and could I get a similar one non branded for less?
I cleared 2 black sacks of clothes from my wardrobe on friday and I have 12 pairs of trainers and I wear them all depending on what outfit I'm wearing yet I'm still looking at certain colour schemes that i don't have - what is wrong with me ?????

efes_shareholder

Today has been just as manic , we are small team so when is out of the loop it really shows , my workload has basicallly tripled and I'm starting early and not getting a lunch to keep on top of things , fortunately my sister was here for quite a while today and mum hasn't needed much.

I feel so despondant and down and I really don't know why , it seems that just at the point that life is going to change for me , something comes along and knocks me off my pedestal , I feel taken for granted by the whole family - that no one is actually acknowledging how much life has changed for me.
I feel taken for granted a bit by NM , actually I don't know if thats the right word but one moment we were considering moving in together until I could buy and now even spending time together requires thoughtful planning and relies on the availability of other people. I worry that he is going to get used to not seeing me and not be that bothered about seeing me. I guess I just want to be considered. 
hes a very popular guy in our circle and i know a lot of women admire him from afar , I worry that that could become more. 

I can't put my finger on excatly what it is but I'm in a very peculiar mood and I can't shift it.

I feel like I'm constantly complaining and feeling resentful to other peoples freedom and ability just to live their life.

In other news ,its two days until payday and the bank is looking very healthy , the house move is still having problems getting a completion date and as frustrating as that is , it doesn't really affect me when I get the money , its not like I can put it to the use I want too.
House prices seem to be on the up so I am hoping that is short lived but with the 95% mortgages I dont think they will be

fantasyvsreality

Just wanted to come out of lurking in response to your last post. What you have written resonated with me as my mum is terminally ill at the moment and I can relate to being the one in the family doing all the emotional and physical support. With everything you are juggling I think you are doing an amazing job! Sometimes it is incredibly hard to ask for what you need and we hope people will see how difficult life is for us but alas they are often wrapped up their own worlds. Talk to NM about how you are feeling, if he is a good one he will make efforts to reassure you and give you extra cuddles. 

And buy the trainers if they make you happy. F@@K IT! There will be time for saving later, give yourself any opportunity for positive strokes. Look after you, you are dealing with so much.