taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

Thank you ladies
I'll be glad when todays test is out of the way and we can at least start to find the cause , I may be imanging the worse , it may not be as sinister as I'm expecting but what I do know is that either way life is going to through me a few unexpected challenges and I have to be strong enough to face them and get through them.
Sister is just thoughtless ...............I took the appointment up because I thought she was still in her isolation period but the fact that she could now do it and hasn't offered doesn't sit that well. She turned up a bit down in the dumps herself as shes been stuck in the house for 10 days ( although ferrying my neice too and from work) and that got my mum worrying about her rather then herself. Mum agreed when I said she could have offered considering she isn't working today and suggested we mention it to her but I won't , I'd rather she did the next evasive test to be honest and maybe when she has to re arrange her work schedule to do it when she could have easily done this one she may stop to consider that she could have been a bit more accomodating this time ( getting time off isnt a massive problem for me in these circumstances as my boss is pretty understanding and accomodating ) . Maybe I'm feeling a bit woe is me , I'm the sort of person who keeps everything locked in and to myself and doesn't really share my thoughts and feelings so it helps to write it all down here. 
you know , you do what you can for those nearest and dearest but it does feel like I've got the rough end of the stick and I hope that doesn't come across as selfish. Circumstances are what they are and it can't be helped , I guess looking at the other side I'm at a loss what to do right now so maybe she feels the same. 

Remember my ex who passed away , his funeral is next week. It had been mentioned to me that the family may like me to go and I said I'd rather not be in that position however this morning his sister has texted me with the details and asked if I knew his favourite flowers. Due to restrictions on numbers they are also zooming the ceremony , I've replied that I'd like the details ( alot of our friends have been asking too ) and made a few suggestions based on what he used to buy me ( more when he had messed up and was trying to get in my good books ) and she has now replied saying I could also follow the car from the flat to the crem that would be nice.
I haven't responded as yet as I don't know how too - NM has said to me that he would disapointed if I went given the history and to be honest I would be disapointed in myself if I went but it looks like they are hoping I will. I'd feel like an imposter , its likely that the women he cheated on me with during the course of our relationship would be there and I'd rather not cross her path , I don't need to be reminded of the sadness in that period of my life. I don't want to cause the family any upset by declining but I'm not sure how too. Feel like I have enough going on at home without contending with this too so I may try and grab a quick chat with a mutual friend who talks to the family often and just get a steer on whats been mentioned of the expectation. Its another example of me causing myself anxiety by trying to keep everybody happy when ultimately I also need to have some self preservation and I can't always be a people pleaser.

efes_shareholder

so the appointment is done and dusted , wont know anything until the results have been examined by a specialist
Was back and forth pretty quickly so as i started work early , logged on late last night and have a lunch break , my boss re instated my half day annual leave which is something. 

lucielle

Hope you get answers as quickly as possible
L

efes_shareholder

Todays been an ok day really , Jelly seems a hit
Auntie is getting some natural aloe vera juice to me tomorrow which apparantly helps asorb the nutrients in your food so lets give that a shot too.
Another NSD , there were signs at the hospital to a pay for parking machine but no machine , theres a lot of work ongoing so I can only think they havent installed it yet so I didnt need to pay for that .............should I get a ticket than thats my defence - I physically couldn't pay for it
I've run the funeral past my mutual friend and she is of the opinion that the ex family hold me in high regard so have sent message to let me know im welcome at the ceremony if I wanted to go but I wouldnt be thought any less of if I choose not too , I am not going to tell them that I would rather not ,I am going to cite the current covid situation and mums health as a reason not to attend.
Its two weeks today until payday , it seems to be taking forever - probably even longer as I cannot have a drink to pass away the hours !! Its often my evening relaxation but its probably also doing me a lot of good detoxing after xmas.
I don't have any planned spends this weekend as we will start to move NM things over to the flat and are trying to use his freezer stock up plus did I mention I can't drink ..................hes bought an only fools and horses box set so thats our weekend entertainment.  I've managed to blag some packaging materials from work so im picking them up early tomorrow so thats a saving for him.
Next pay day I have to ramp up the payment to the tesco card to be on track to have a debt free day of Dec 2021 , thats the worse case scenerio in my head but the more I can reduce the more it leaves in the house pot when the funds reach me.

alt80

Hope everything works out and meant to say thanks for your post re addiction. Gave me something to think about re my own issues.

Kitten868

I'm relieved that you've found a solution re exs funeral. It's the truth so it'll be fine. Tell them soon so you can get the anxiety off your plate. Sounds like you're working through your list well rather than stewing and worrying. 
Keep your chin up and enjoy your fun with nm xxxxx

efes_shareholder

alt80 said:

Hope everything works out and meant to say thanks for your post re addiction. Gave me something to think about re my own issues.

thanks Alt , you are welcome. I hope you manage to get handle on things , you have made so much progress with family and financial life it would be a shame not to make it a full house.
We can get a huge high out of life alone when we embrace it.

alt80

@efes_shareholder thanks. Yeah I hope I can sort myself out with it all tbh. Not lost hope yet better late than never eh? 😆

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

I'm relieved that you've found a solution re exs funeral. It's the truth so it'll be fine. Tell them soon so you can get the anxiety off your plate. Sounds like you're working through your list well rather than stewing and worrying. 
Keep your chin up and enjoy your fun with nm xxxxx

Hi Kitten , I just dont want to go but I am far too kind to cite that as the reason , they loved him dearly and his restricted send off should be full of people who felt the same way.

efes_shareholder

today i took the packing materials over to NM's . plenty to keep us going and one of the perks of having a warehouse at work. Saved a small fortune on tape and bubble wrap but we have had to order a tape gun from amaxon.
Its fair to say that shifting stuff across will take care of tomorrow and the majority of next weekend and the following weekend he will be gone , not before time really as the messy/arrogant/ difficult housemate has now stopped talking to me aswell as NM and it has created a bit of tension in the house , it doesn't really bother me to be fair it would just be nicer to have a pleasant ambience around the place.
I'm excited for him to be in the flat , its going to be so nice to have space to enjoy - little things like cuddling up on the sofa and not having to plan our meal times around who is using the kitchen and also not having to work around other peoples mess ( Im a lot more tolerable of that then him considering ive had years of experience with mum !) its good practice helping him create a home , its a shame it isn't both of us yet but one step at a time. A good thing on that count is that its much closer to mums , around 20 minutes rather then 40 so much easier to get back and forth should I be needed either way. 
Another NSD and one step closer to Pay day . I've already worked out I still have a bit of a xmas backlog to cover but again this can all be covered by my salary. Decided I am going to carry on with my card payment and put any funds left in my account in to my savings section /EF build up which is currently sitting at 750 in the EF and 6575 in prem bonds , and then pay bigger lumps if that makes sense.
Not having a social life has some benefits.
Spent a social distance hour at my aunt and uncles this evening collecting some natural products for my mum , aloe vera gel and some other things , will give those a go.
My stomach seems to be settling with the antibiotics but I'm still sounding like its having a party with its gurgles and full of gas both ends ..............will have blood and stool tests just to be on the safe side