taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

You're in my heart and in my thoughts. It sounds so hard to navigate. I'm like you and sometimes the stress of it overwhelms me so much that I can't think logically to deal with it. It must be tortuous trying to get to Friday. I want to have something to say to you. Ice cubes are good for dehydration I think. Or ice chips. It was probably ice chips. I definitely think ice lollies are a good idea. 
She might be looking frail but she can turn the corner looking better just as quick once you start getting treatment for her. Xxx

thanks kitten , im on here just brain dumping whilst I have my last wine and I'm so buying lots of ice lollies tomorrow , in fact jubbleys , twisters , and i'm wondering how frozen soup will taste but i'm sure if it was a thing it would have marketed by now !!
It will work itself out , it has to , one way or another there will be a clearer vision soon and then I can make my plan A , B , C and D , A previous partner who is still a great friend used to comment on how indesicive I can be and looking back I can see he had a point 
I like to know where I'm going , what the goal is and I like to have a back up plan should plan A not be able to be executed but right now all these scenerios are based on what ifs for which I  still like to have a plan.

enthusiasticsaver

You can sort a power of attorney out whenever.  It does not need to be activated immediately but having it in place is essential when your mum is as poorly as she sounds and certainly if it may get worse.  Go on to the government gateway website and download the forms.  From the sound of it she is physically unwell but mentally ok so you should be able to do it now.  You can do it in both yours and your sisters name but only one of you can activate it whenever your mum is unable to conduct her affairs.  There used to be two.  One for finances and one for health but I am not sure if that is still the case. Everyone should get one for relatives as they get older.  We have had one for my mum for about six years now but she is  still able to sort her finances out so I have not activated it yet.  I am even considering doing one for DH and I although we are just 60.  

I would exercise caution on paying off any equity release on the house if you are using money from the sale of your old house.  Mainly because it is willed to you and your sister jointly and there will be no recognition in law of how any equity scheme was paid off. It will also complicate things if your mum needs any residential care in the future. 

enthusiasticsaver

efes_shareholder said:

in my mind , if it worse comes to worse , I sit tight , sort the bathroom , get the spare room sorted for middle sprog and potentially clear the equity , then its discussion time or its discussion time before these are done.

You should have the discussion time before these are done except for spare room. From experience (not mine but others I know of) improving or paying off debts secured on  a property which is not yours can end really badly.  The equity you get from your house being sold at the moment presumably is your chance to buy a property of your own so using that on your mums house without proper legal safeguards protecting your investment should only be done if you are not bothered about possibly losing it. 

efes_shareholder

enthusiasticsaver said:

efes_shareholder said:

in my mind , if it worse comes to worse , I sit tight , sort the bathroom , get the spare room sorted for middle sprog and potentially clear the equity , then its discussion time or its discussion time before these are done.

You should have the discussion time before these are done except for spare room. From experience (not mine but others I know of) improving or paying off debts secured on  a property which is not yours can end really badly.  The equity you get from your house being sold at the moment presumably is your chance to buy a property of your own so using that on your mums house without proper legal safeguards protecting your investment should only be done if you are not bothered about possibly losing it. 

thanks ES , Im going to look in to the power of attorney tomorrow as I think it could be very very useful and will possibly be needed - I dont want to highlight it with mum at the moment as although I am pretty sure she is fully aware something is really up , I want to uphold a positive outlook , I've told her lets not be naive to what they think this is ,  but lets get a diagnosis first. 
worst case scenerio again and not positive but thinking out loud  , I wont use the cash from my house against mums house without any assurances that it will come back to me - I;ve had two deaths in my close family and on both occassions there has been sinister work at play when it comes to inheritance , i'm not down for that.
If I pay the equity down I expect this to be reflected in her will when sharing assetts and if it isnt it simply does not happen but in my mind should we get the worse news then retaining the house gives both of us options rather then having to sell within a certain timescale 

efes_shareholder

feel a bit brighter today , although also know i had the vino last night !!!! 
ah well , week of detox to follow.
Mums seems slightly brighter too , off to the hospital later for a blood test
feeling pretty hacked  off with my sister to be honest , have barely heard anything from her in the last week. Seems she is happy to put everything on my shoulders , she can't come over I get that but a check in wouldn't go a miss. I think shes dodging as she ended up surrendering to her pushy daughter and transporting her too and from work when my daughter wasnt going in due to her ankle.
Came slightly unstuck though as she will now have to do it as as i thought my daughter rightly wont get in the car with them and doesnt want to share a car at all with my neice whilst she is taking the risk and getting in with my sister during her isolation period . To be fair sister has tested negative and they live in a flat so not so easy to distance but it has now made extra journeys for her.

efes_shareholder

blood tests were done today , glad i did that one as it gave me a chance to spot the best places to drop mum off close to the hospital , we took the walking trolley i bought for xmas for its maiden vogue and it was invaluable and did make her mobility much better , just being able to lean on it etc and the little seat was invaluable even if she didnt pick the most convenient place for everyone else to park herself up.
Hospital gave 20 minutes free parking too which was a touch,
I now also know where we have to go on friday and that i will be able to go in to the hospital with her , I think the security guy was going to approach me as I walked in and then saw me heading in mums direction and realised she needed help.
The very short walk we had to make did take its toll on her though 
My stomach is gurgling away like its having some sort of party but the aches have subsided. 
Still nothing from the sister ,mum said she has heard very little too which is annoying considering she is isolating and not working and it wouldnt take 5 minutes to check on peoples welfare. Mum thinks she doesn't realise how ill she is , well she should as I have told her.
Had a little chat with my middle about the house sale , she has said she is going to go with her dad in the first instance , its a new area and although her commute will be long that may be the kick she needs to start looking for alternative employment , I'm fine with that , she understands I am a bit in limbo at the moment with my plans and we do have room if she wanted to stay midweek just to give herself a bit of respite from the travelling back and forth to work.
No spend day today which is always a plus , it seems so long until pay day , January really is a month of mondays

efes_shareholder

Another day in lockdown paradise , another NSD 
Spent part of the day writing down figures etc , maybe as a distraction etc and trying to give myself more structure and more of a finger on the pulse of my position. I have a good idea of what I can afford to buy if in the best case scenerio mum can be bought back to some kind of reasonable health. It doesn't really buy me what I would ideally like , properties do come up but move fast and seem to be going up in my target area but I know the sort of budget I am within and my saving grace I think will be a big deposit to put donw.
Right now I'm stuck anyway , I can't do anything until the house exchanges and I also need to know more importantly what the future holds for mum.  I don't like to consider it but should there be an unfavorable prognosis , any inheritance would increase what I can buy...............If houses continue to rise I could be priced out of markets etc , I guess it will all become clearer and if middle sprog is going with her dad initially I dont have her to worry about
Sister is now out of isolation and rolled up.............I'm pretty annoyed with her to be honest as she is not back at work until Sunday and could have offered to take mum for the scan tomorrow so I don't have to use annual leave. She is just inconsiderate when it doesn't benefit her. My boss is pretty easy going and said if I get back at a decent time etc I can resume work and have my holiday back but I'll see how I feel. 100% she is doing the camera investigation appointment if I'm doing this one and to be honest its only that that has stopped me from asking her to do tomorrow is the fact that the camera investigation is far more evasive and I really don't fancy handling it. 
Mum went up to rest when she was here so I tried to outline to her excatly how bad mum had been and this isn't just about weight loss , anyone not able to eat would be dropping weight at an alarming rate but shes generally in pain and uncomfortable and its getting progressively worse. I mentioned my house and how I was in limbo and I know she fully expects me to stay put , the whole family is going to expect that. Even when I spoke to my daughter about her commute and potentially staying here during the week  , she wasnt keen - I said the house is better now Nan hasnt got the energy to make mess and the bathroom will be fixed up and then she said that if my mum was going to get worse or was very sick it would be upsetting for her to be around that , she has a point I don't fancy it either but I did respond with " oh no lets all just leave that to me then eh" 
I know alot of people have given me advice to be cautious of this , feeling stuck and being expected to be a carer. I get it , I live here , I have eyes on whats happening etc but that doesn't mean its all going to rest on my shoulders.

Kitten868

Its always the same story - people find it detestable if you don't achieve a caring standard they expect but no one else will be put in the slightest bit of help. The hypocrisy is enough to make you scream. I'm glad you said it to her. I'm wondering if you should put out an expectation to your sister. Make it clear what you and your mum need. It's so hard having to do all the planning and being bossy enough to make others do things though so I understand if you don't. It shouldn't fall on you to work it all out and push for the help and fight with the doctors to help your mum. 
I'm wishing you strength and patience lovely lady xxxxx

lucielle

Hope today goes as well as can be
L

enthusiasticsaver

I hope you get some answers today. Your sister should be helping more but I guess she is happy to leave it to you as you live with your mum. Not fair but that is often the way things go if someone is on hand others will leave it up to them.