taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

Humdinger1

efes_shareholder said:

enthusiasticsaver said:

From the sound of it your mum is not up to  entertaining so your sister could surely not have expected her to cook lunch for 9 of you?  Or was that going to be down to you?  Cheeky and entitled of your niece. 

It was going to be my job as it always ends up being, My sister does help me with the serving up but as a rule her clan turn up , get presents , get fed , get drunk and go home s !! before bojo put the reigns on i'd already said I expected all the kids ( as they arent kids , they are adults) to be pulling their weight a lot more and there was no way my mum was going to be in the kitchen washing up after everyone.
If its in my house next year , its under my rules ...............There will be a contribution from everyone earning towards the cost and also a job assigned to everyone in making the day happen !!

Ideal efes! People do regress at home at Christmas but this is the ideal way to prevent it and make sure that one person doesn't end up doing it all.  2021 will see some big changes.  Humdinger x 

efes_shareholder

so xmas is over and done with for another year , we did doorstep collections and presents via zoom which was a little bit different to say the least.
I cleaned the house up over and over in the run up to the day and also sorted our dinner , mum spent a lot of the day asleep and uncomfortable and didnt manage a lot for dinner in comparison to other years. 
I went over to NM's in the evening and have come back to go for a walk with my son and she is again in bed.
Sad news on Xmas day that my ex passed away that evening - although much of our relationship felt toxic and he was a thorn in my side at times it still filled me with great sadness , this morning I have sent some flowers on to his family.
I'm feeling guilty for not visiting him and am not sure if i've upset the family a bit by not doing so but obviously we have the covid situation and to be honest after a lot of thought and deliberation it felt right to leave things as they were. He had said to me in the past that his cancer was gods punishment for how he had treat me and I didnt want to risk hearing similar again 
NM doesnt quite get it , He remembers how he struggled to control his emotions and could be bullish and controlling toward me and I also get his point of view. A mutual close friend asked me if I would go to the funeral and I told her that I hoped I wouldn't be invited so that I didn't have to make that desicion as I would feel like an imposter. She thought I may be. 
I have mixed emotions today but felt I needed to extend my sympathy to his family who are feeling an incredible loss , He was only expected to last weeks when he got his terminal diagnosis but I think getting home helped him.

Kitten868

As you say with things as they are I don't expect you'll be expected to be there. There's a limit on numbers in the least. I think you've acted appropriately sending flowers and your condolences. Well done you. 
Sorry you're mum was struggling at Christmas. Hopefully you'll start getting answers soon about her. 
Glad you could had a nice day xxx

efes_shareholder

re mum we have a telephone consultation next week and then hopefully further tests , shes mentioned some blood when she passes which is another concern , shes doing very little other then sleep but im not sure if thats not a bit of depression too considering xmas is over and there is nothing really to focus on.
Sent Flowers to the ex family and recieved a call to thank me , I was with NM at the time , I'm sure hes slightly put out by them contacting me however I did tell him before he passed that I would be sending flowers to the family , for them no other reason. Funeral hasn't been mentioned but its been suggested to me that I will be asked if I would like to go. I am going to decline , purely because as sad as it is that his illness took him so soon its not my place to be there. I wasn't a support to him or even his friend in the end and due to restrictions on numbers I am sure there are people far more worthy of being there, I will feel like an imposter. When it was suggested to me , I did feedback that I would rather not be asked so I hope that is the case so I dont need to politely decline and risk any upset. 
NM is now giving his notice to his landlord and should be in the flat at the end of Jan which is exciting.   , hes ready to go. yesterday we were minding our own business when an unfamilar guy just walked in to the kitchen and back out again..............hes renting one of the rooms but the landlord hadnt thought to say !!! 
also same problem I get at home with other peoples standard of cleansiness , for example the dustpan has gone missing and he is the only one to notice !!! 
I am sure I will end up there alot and I will contribute/help him out with the cost of things ie shopping as I am also eating there but I dont think I can jump ship from here until I have a clearer picture of what is going on with my mums health.
In other news I managed to get to my normal payday without dipping in to funds from an early payday , I've paid my large xmas spend from my wages on my every day spend card with a view to hopefully not having to touch the money I have been saving monthly in the EF , I've got 6575 tucked away in prem bonds and a further 750 in easy access savings , I dont think given the bill I will be able to add to the 750 this month , its more likely that I will need to dip in if ive left myself short ( dont think I have) , I'm then tempted to use a lump to pay off the tesco 0% card as I need that clear before I get a mortgage, Its also tempting to leave that there and try and meet somewhere in the middle where I can just pay the whole thing down once I've squirreled enough away on top of the monthly payments 

efes_shareholder

so as 2021 really has to be a full on operation to get rid of the debt , i've just done a minimal SOA which shows room to manouvre on the payments if I keep my focus. Certainly i've spent much less during lockdown days which says that my social life has historically accrued most of my spare income.
I've got rid of all of the little higgly piggly debts and now just have the 0% card and the car loan to focus on , I am sure that had I not had to buy the car when I did I would be debt free by now. 

Statement of Affairs and Personal Balance Sheet

Household Information
Number of adults in household........... 2
Number of children in household......... 0
Number of cars owned.................... 1

Monthly Income Details
Monthly income after tax................ 1765
Partners monthly income after tax....... 0
Benefits................................ 0
Other income............................ 0
Total monthly income.................... 1765

Monthly Expense Details
Mortgage................................ 0
Secured/HP loan repayments.............. 215
Rent.................................... 300
Management charge (leasehold property).. 0
Council tax............................. 40
Electricity............................. 0
Gas..................................... 0
Oil..................................... 0
Water rates............................. 0
Telephone (land line)................... 0
Mobile phone............................ 20
TV Licence.............................. 0
Satellite/Cable TV...................... 30
Internet Services....................... 37
Groceries etc. ......................... 50
Clothing................................ 50
Petrol/diesel........................... 100
Road tax................................ 10
Car Insurance........................... 45
Car maintenance (including MOT)......... 20
Car parking............................. 10
Other travel............................
Childcare/nursery....................... 0
Other child related expenses............ 0
Medical (prescriptions, dentist etc).... 5
Pet insurance/vet bills................. 0
Buildings insurance..................... 0
Contents insurance...................... 0
Life assurance ......................... 0
Other insurance......................... 0
Presents (birthday, christmas etc)...... 100
Haircuts................................ 30
Entertainment........................... 100
Holiday................................. 100
Emergency fund.......................... 100
Total monthly expenses.................. 1362


Assets
Cash.................................... 750
House value (Gross)..................... 130000
Shares and bonds........................ 6575
Car(s).................................. 3500
Other assets............................
Total Assets............................ 1408.25

No Secured nor Hire Purchase Debts

Unsecured Debts
Description....................Debt......Monthly...APR
tesco  C/CARD..............3200......32........0%

Ratesetter ( car loan)     2538      215       5.9%

Total unsecured debts..........5738......247.......-

Now to be debt free by the end of the year I would need to pay £478 a month to both the car and the tesco card - I currently pay 200 a month to the tesco card ( although I havent in Nov/Dec due to xmas spends) and I pay 215 to the car which basically means I have to find an extra £63 a month which doesnt appear as scary as the initial £478 a month figure. 
Its motivating to see that is affordable , even more so if I decide that the EF is fine as it is and just focus on throwing the additional at the card in the short term.  

efes_shareholder

back to work today , feel a bit down in the dumps but think I am hormonal.
all of the direct debits have left my account and i'm looking a bit depleted in my account , the one benefit of tier 4 is that are very few options to spend your money on. I have a full tank of fuel in the car which is around 500 miles and approx 420 left to cover any spends until the 31st January.
Everything is up to date , just feel a little frustrated that i'm not making little payments here and there  but hopefully that will come later in the month - its also down to my stubborness of covering my c/card xmas spends with my salary rather then money I have put away 
NM moves in to his flat at the end of the month so that should keep us busy , sorting out and getting ready for the off. got two bikes to move from his garden to my garage and also have managed to get a free tv unit off a fb selling site which is the only piece of furniture really required. Its some just at the right time as he is not seeing eye to eye with a guy who has moved in to his HMO , the guy is messy and doesn't clear after himself in the kitchen etc  and leaves windows and doors open all over the place - despite being asked by the landlord not too and having signs all over the place , he seems unwilling to follow any house rules. NM is past the level of tolerance with him and nearly came to blows on new years eve so I think its just aswell he is going and hes doing all he can to not be around him and its absolutely affecting the house etc , to the point i'm fed up of talking about his ways and discussing his wrongs and wish the move was coming sooner. I completely understand as obviously my mum has completely different standards to me but if you keep focusing on it , it will affect your mind set.
Mums place has been much better pre xmas when I spent a lot of hours clearing up , Im finding I'm more tolerable as she really isn't up to doing much right now which means she also isn't making as much mess as she usually would.........it feels much more manageable like this and I feel much more willing to help her out knowing its for a genunie reason rather then just laziness. She has asked what I would like for my birthday at the end of the month so I have told her I don't need anything , which I don't as I would rather she focused on not spending her entire overdraft every month. Our telephone consultation is tomorrow and I really hope the ball gets rolling with an investigation in to what is causing the problem , she has now lost around 4 stone in around 2-3 months , she has been eating very little due to the problems but this is still very concerning. 

enthusiasticsaver

I hope the telephone consultation re your mum goes ok. 4 stones weight loss over a few months is worrying. Is she still smoking as that can reduce appetite? 

efes_shareholder

enthusiasticsaver said:

I hope the telephone consultation re your mum goes ok. 4 stones weight loss over a few months is worrying. Is she still smoking as that can reduce appetite? 

she has managed to vape for quite a while now , over a year.
there isnt so much a reduction in appetite as she still wants to eat however she seems to really struggle digestively on all fronts if she does , hence smaller portions and lots of food off limits that she would usually indulge in
I watched a programme over xmas about the benefit of plant based diets so I am going to cook up some veggie meals as they seem to not be so problematic - definately her intake has reduced , i've noticed for weeks that the shopping is lasting for weeks when before it could be days but in my opinion not enough to warrant such a drastic weight loss
I'm hoping the consultation leads to an investigation in the cause , just with this covid pandemic things are definately taking longer then they should.

Kitten868

I'm sorry things look so scary for your mum. That can't be easy on either of you. I think your veggie cooking sounds like a grand plan. Plus I'm sure her digestive system would benefit from it. 
Great news on NMs move too. I know what you mean about other people's lack of compartmentalising being draining. Hearing about it over and over when you know it does them no good. 
Hope today is a better day xxx

efes_shareholder

so blooming frustrating , the telephone consultation is now postponed until Thursday due to no doctors being available at the hospital. We have been pushed from pillar to post since mid november just to get this far. and whilst I appreicate the country is in unprecedented times it doesn't make it any less frustrating when potentially you could have a life threatening illness and are unable to get a diagnosis.
mums upset and frustrated and very tearful and I feel a bit helpless as I can't change anything or make anything happen , I can only be here and try and help