taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

enthusiasticsaver

Will she be cooperative in moving? Presumably you have to put the house up for sale but if it is in a real state that will affect sale value.i suggest you continue with your plans regardless of her actions so if your friends place comes up and you and NM want to move in together then you do that. As long as you are there picking up the pieces of your mums poor decisions she won't change. If she has always been like that sadly people generally get worse as they get older.

efes_shareholder

I think she would be open to sell however we do have a particulary good neighbourhood where people check on the oldies etc so that would be missed , it would also need looking at beforehand and an awful lot of sorting out to actually get her moved .
I'm pretty sure that would fall on the shoulders of my sister and I and it will be a challenge whether its now or later down the line when she is no longer here.
She will never change , I realise now that my step dad used to do everything , whats more frustrating is even when you get everything spick and span she makes no effort to keep it that way even though she knows her lack of care will draw remarks.
My friends place will come up , it wont be before xmas but should be by the end of Jan at the latest.

lucielle

You need to look after you.  I know she's your mum but you still have a life to live.
L

efes_shareholder

lucielle said:

You need to look after you.  I know she's your mum but you still have a life to live.
L

indeed 
in hindsight I wish I had house shared or something when I gave my flat up and perhaps there wouldn't be the expectation of me.
I think there is resentment that I go and stay with my boyfriend , He doesnt come here often as he knows I find it embarrassing. Last week I made a return trip home just to do her weekly shop despite my sister being 5 minutes away , I did it as she tends to buy premuim brands if she orders online , mainly as you dont get the same choice and have to pay delivery and I try and save her money where I can.
I dont begrudge that but I find it personally frustrating when she still has no money and amaozn continue to deliver through the door.

enthusiasticsaver

Unfortunately you cannot sort her money problems out if she won't help herself. Same if she wants to live in squalor. Is she lazy or depressed?  Both are reasons for not caring about surroundings in that she can't be bothered to deal with it. I would find that incredibly frustrating so not surprised you stay with your boyfriend. 

efes_shareholder

enthusiasticsaver said:

Unfortunately you cannot sort her money problems out if she won't help herself. Same if she wants to live in squalor. Is she lazy or depressed?  Both are reasons for not caring about surroundings in that she can't be bothered to deal with it. I would find that incredibly frustrating so not surprised you stay with your boyfriend. 

she has a long history of depression but she is also lazy and has been for as long as I can remember.
I haven't broached the moving in yet as I don't know when it will happen but to be honest it feels like a much better option

Kitten868

I think renting from your friend with NM sounds like a great. See how you do living together without the stress of having bought. Give you a chance to buy when you want to rather than ASAP. Yes you will have to stop supporting your mum financially but I think it will force her to see things how they are. Or she won't. But it will come and its not on you to save her. You've done so so many times. You are lovely and you'll still help her xxxx

efes_shareholder

Todays a better day , we have cleared the air and told my mum she was very stroppy with me as she is whenever she hears anything she doesnt like - she apologised and said she was embarrassed by the amount of mess we had to clean up , hey ho - it doesnt normally bother her !! That said I am pretty sure I will be moving in with NM, my kids told me to go for it but just to remember that my mum is still kept an eye on. She will be, I would still come by and I would still help out with her shopping and housework 
Feeling better about xmas , kids will now come , well the younger two but they will also be taking extra preventative measures so that works.
Have a couple of days annual leave to use to i think I will have an xmas shopping day just to get to primark for the little bits and peices that fill the gift bag up.
I was on the phone late last night to my sister , shes getting it in the ear from her kids regarding their little bro's positive diagnosis , Felt kind of reponsible as it was me who suggested he was tested although he  had no symptons , he has now got a stye like sore on his eye which apparantly happens in under 12's
Sisters test came back negative as did both of her daughters but just shows how easy it could have travelled. Have told my sister not to come by for the time being as she needs to be absolutely certain she hasnt picked anything up from my nephew although it sounds like the house is drowning in anti bac. 
I was up at 6am this morning to go to tesco to get the weekly shop which coupled with a busy work day has left me feeling quite lethargic , NM is on a night shift in the last few shifts before starting his new job so i'm here for the next few days , I really need a good nights sleep.
I bought some detox tea in costco a few days ago and had the first bag this morning , i'm hoping the night one will help me drift off. My mind doesnt seem to switch off and starts asking all sorts of questions of me as i try to sleep so much so that when i lay down now i have started trying to convince myself I am in the sunshine on a beach in barbados.
Gym reopens tomorrow but i dont think I am going to rush back , I dont want anything to spoil xmas and it seems a prime location to become contaminated.
Money seems manageable with the back of the xmas shopping broke , its the little things that seem to add up as we go along , ive got lists of lists trying to keep me on track.

efes_shareholder

Happy Monday people
a week since pay day , budget is looking ok but i do have hair and colouring this week and also NM's birthday.
Going shopping with my daughter tonight , I think Dec spends are going to ramp up as I finish the Xmas shopping off , Most of it has been taken care off but I always find December gets pretty expensive with all the little forgotten costs.
My hair will be about £80 , I've pretty much gone brunette to blond last time but still have a tinge of ginge from the covid months where it was impossible to get anything other then a box set.
I've done box dyes for years but am finding they dry my hair out and I am having to re apply much more frequently and also getting some reactions in the sunshine etc so I think its worth the extra.
mums health a bit concerning , shes had terrible indigestion lately which has helped with her over eating problem and reducing weight but shes experiencing terrible discomfort. A sample has been sent off to check for infection but it seems very likely that its a hiatus hernia playing up. My dad suffered awfully for years and had to have surgery. I need to pop to the chemist to see what we can get across the counter other then gaviscon which has not been very helpful.
Pretty sure at some point she will need a camera investigation.
Without wanting to sound harsh , I think years of riding her luck with her health and generally not looking after herself are now catching up. anyway I digress but I am running out of suggestions of what to try next.

efes_shareholder

Few days since my last update
As expected the xmas shopping has grown some legs but i am pretty certain im done on all fronts with the exception of NM
We celebrated his birthday last week which i struggled to know what to buy , had a great cake made and went out for dinner and he had a good day. Not sure what to do with christmas for him , he always says something thoughtful and inexpensive , last year he got a DNA heritage kit which he loved , birthdays are usually retro tracksuit jackets , I can always get another of those but its a bit of a safe bet. I've been looking at karaoke machines as he used to have an option to play them through his tv and used to love a sing a long but its probably not a great idea in a shared house !!! He also lacks a dressing gown but dont know how much he would wear it .........................Never mind only a few more days before I will have to make a choice.
my town is now in tier 3 so fewer temptations to spend locally which is a positive
Mum has a doctors appt tomorrow , the weight seems to be dropping off her and i am slightly concerned that there is something more sinister going on , however I am not a doctor and should not consult doctor google.