taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

Very has gone - i keep finding myself revisiting it and browsing for xmas because of the BNPL but I am determined to be tough and pay xmas from my wages and EF , Every month the debt is now finally coming down and I need to stay on track to have as little as possible left to pay by the time that sodding house eventually sells.
Im having a down day today , think its because im working from home couped up in my room in a less then perfect habitat and it just makes me yearn for my own front door , I want to be pleased to be home , I want to relax , I want my own sofa and my own guests and to know that if theres mess , its mine!!! House doesnt look like shifting anytime soon , I don't think its price to be honest. I can't help feel some of it is because hes insisted on an agent outside of the area , I shall get the xmas period over with and then make noises about it going on with a local as then the guy has had a fair crack at the whip.
Started the Xmas shopping , I WILL keep the spends down this year , made a dash to M&S to get my daughter the dressing gown she wants as it was out of stock online and not sure with current situation when M&S will reopen. Middle wants an expensive purfeme which I managed to get with a 15% off code and the youngest a pair of trainers. Other then that I will pick up a few bits and pieces , they are grown ups really but its still likely to be 100 pounds plus per head for my offspring.
My mum was talking about those walking frames that have a seat as she now really struggles with her mobility when she goes out , I have told her I will buy her one as her Xmas present if she feels it will help give her some independance , other then that I have NM's birthday and Xmas in December and then a handful of neices and nephews to cater for and thats the lot , already got my nephew his football shirt from DHgate which is around 15 pounds instead of the 60 odd in the shop and identical to what you get in the club store even down to the labels.
one of the benefits of the new lockdown is I do spend less on miscellanous purchases but i'm already finding this one harder then the last , I think its because i've had a small taste of freedom back and that previously it was summer so easier to go out for a pleasant stroll. Now its dark early whether its morning or evening and home seems the place to be , although thats far from perfect.
Tomorrow I am going to spend the whole day going through my room and trying to make sure its as nice in here as it can be with 46 years of my life crammed in to one room , I need to drag my bed out and turn the radiatior behind it off as my mum has the heating on constantly and its like a sauna up here !! I have the window open all day to give some relief.

Kitten868

Ugh what a nightmare with the radiator! 
A lot of people are wanting to get their Christmas shopping sorted early. Not much confidence in how long the shops will take or whether we will have money in the account next month either! 
Hope you do make a positive change in your room x

efes_shareholder

Wow seems like ages since i posted
8 days until payday and all in hand except the blooming engine management light is back on so i need to head the garage tomorrow - it came on last month and went out again, I'm hoping its a blip and gives the same error code as the previous fix so it can just be turned off. Fingers crossed as considering the festive period is fast approaching i seem to be in a pretty good place
Mentally I'm struggling , things have been good with NM and we have spent alot of time together recently ,so much so I'm wondering what the next step is. He isn't happy in his house share and has a new job , says he is going to look at getting his own space once hes settled in his new role. I took the moment to say that it was a shame my house hadnt progressed as he could have come with me and got a reaction similar to " well it will be better then here! ".
I was hardly encouraged by that.
I've also had a set back with my own handling of things , we make each other happy and have a lot of fun together doing fun things and normal coupley things , I have no reason to feel uneasy however in the early stages of our relationship I had good reason to believe that I possibly wasnt the only one he was entertaining - this was bought to task and our relatonship/.commitment to each other discussed and agreed that any other interests would be locked off but I dont think he did it as quickly as he said he did. I am positive however that it was locked off. I have an inkling who my competitor was and every time she comments on his social media it burns me and reawakens feelings that I have tried to put to bed.
came to a bit of a head last few days when there was a comment on social media and I let it all out ............Usually I deal with it myself and straighten myself out as we arent in each others company but this time we were and I had to let my feelings known.
I'm pretty trusting in my instincts and am usually right but this I need to let go considering everythings been so good and there has been no reoccurance or reason to doubt him - and to be fair I was playing the dating game when I started seeing him and had to clear my plate too but he doesnt know about that !!!!!
I kopped a strop the rest of the afternoon and he went out to collect a delivery and came back with flowers . lovely gesture but feeling cynical I thought a job was being done on me!!!!!
I'm tired , its occupied my thoughts and jealousy isnt a nice trait to display.- I think the demons of my past relationships revisit sometimes.
I'll be happier I'm sure when I have my own space and the next stage can commence , as it stands neither of our living conditions are ideal.
My overall debt is reducing nicely now so a positive is the more I can reduce the less I need to take from my savings and will have for my home furnishings etc , I have 7000 in savings and around 5500 in accumulated debts to clear.
I'm not paying interest on anything but i'm toying with just paying everything off and rebuilding the savings but i'm also concerned that should my situation change ie anything happen to my mum etc then I could be back in to debt again.
Pretty sure for now I'll keep paying down , maybe meet in the middle at some point

Kitten868

As long as its all 0% you've got the space to weigh it all up. And this way you can change your mind if things move faster. Five and half certainly sounds manageable xxx

efes_shareholder

todays gripe - covid xmas's 
waiting to hear what Boris decides for us , Personally I dont think it really matters and people will do whatever they want to do anyway. Our house usually consists of me and my 2 younger offspring , my sister and her 3 and my mum. Last year we were joined by my sister and I's partners for the evening, If Boris keeps the rules of 6 , this can't happen - my own take is that its one day but my kids strongly disagree and says we have to comply which I do get especailly as my mum is a risk group however does it matter if she sees everyone through the day in stages or all at once.
They aren't budging , I get why but it will present its problems if I want to spend Xmas with them as obviously I only have this house ( which I dont particulary want to be in at xmas to be honest) to accomadate them which means pulling rank over my sister,
kids say they will leave when they arrive but am I selfish for wanting to spend the whole day with them when its a rare occurance
been batting solutions around - potentially going to my daughters house although she wont cook , so I will have too and she lives in an area that has been in a different tier so this maybe allowed , telling my sister she cant come although I dont think thats my place seeing as its my mums house , I merely pay to stay or renting an airbnb , isnt ideal due to time /distance restrictions and uncertainities over facilities as well as off course the expense.
Off course it may be speculation since Boris hasnt announced yet but my two youngest have both made it clear they aren't comfortable with what we usually do.
After tonights discussions I think I'd rather just sleep through the whole thing.
They said they are happy to be together just for the present exchange but my point was , that would still break the rules , so is it ok to do so for your own material gain??
Fed up with the whole thing to be honest. Just give me the vaccine asap.
Feel like being reckless and booking a centre parcs or something but I know that wont help me in the long run and after all its just one day , I did suggest postponing it completely.
Oh i wish I had my own house , where we could at least have a comfie xmas - keep telling myself this time next year so I sound like Del boy.
In other news , spends still minimal aside from a couple of stocking fillers and card and present for nm's b'day which are all taken care off with either whats left in my account come pay day or the xmas shopping budget, 
Decided I will keep the EF in tact and just keep plugging away with the debts , the car is a set monthly payment so will continue with that and focus on throwing additionals at the 0% card.

Kitten868

I'm with you on this. Totally exasperated with it all. I have decided we are just staying home. Family are not happy but I can't stand getting excited then some one has symptoms or has been in a room with someone who has had symptoms and having to quarantine and pull it all apart. This has happened numerous times that weren't Christmas and it broke my heart. 
I've heard rumours of it being 4 households rather than 6 people. But who knows.
Its also taken all the shine out of present buying too. I don't want anything and nor does anyone else with nowhere to go. Just be dressing gowns all around. Xxx

efes_shareholder

I see both points , my kids are very much realising as youngsters they could potentially be carrying without symptons and pass to my mum unwitingly , my sisters daughters started in march extremely compliant but have thrown caution to the wind the more it has entailed to the point they basically now do what they can, My lot said they are happy to have a usual day if everyone has had a negative test.
I get them , I really do but I also know feel that even if we obey all the restrictions we will still have the same outcome in January as the majority are not going too.
i'm sure we will find a compromise somewhere and i completely respect that their intentions are pure , just disapointed that regardless of what BJ may or may not say , they dont see our usual day acceptable
its nothing flamboyant , 8 of us , 3 households for present exchange , dinner and a few games after.
They said I should pull rank as I live here and my sister has her own place however its only the last 4/5 years we have been here xmas day and my sister has been a constant the last 20 odd plus
I do agree  , thats how it should be - but im not about to insist
Sister is coming on sunday to ironically help me go over this house in prep for xmas ( believe me , there is always plenty needs doing) so will discuss then
The simple solution appears to be to spend early part of the day with my mum and then go over to eldest child who cant go to the in laws for same reasons with an already cooked turkey and hopefully have a nice day/ evening with dinner and games over the table ( must admit the latter part is my fave part of the day ) 

efes_shareholder

good evening - ;long rant alert.
Well Xmas still isnt sorted but I guess I got a reminder of the reasons etc , my sister told me on fri that my nephew who is 11 had been sent home from school as he had been in contact with a student who tested positive , i told her to get him tested , more to rule it out then anything and today his test came back positive. Hes had no symptons so now the house is isolated waiting to test - I've seen my sister ( she was helping me sort the house out today) so depending on her test I may need another myself. If this situation had happened at xmas time though , it just shows how easy it would be to bring my nephew amongst the family as apparantly his friend didnt have any symptons and told his mum he had a cough just to blag a few days off school.
this is excatly why my kids are so concerned about being around my mum at xmas.
Today my sister and I have given the house a good going over , it still needs more - my mum is so careless and messy and generally doesnt care , she has however been unwell the last few weeks and lost quite a bit of weight , Its most likely her hiatus hernia playing her up terribly but there are a few ongoing tests. Usually she doesnt need much of an excuse to do very little but at least lately she has had one!!!!  We both for very mucky having all the furnishings out and wiping everything over , sweeping etc. 
We are however now in an evening with a lot tension in the house , she seems to be very passive agressive whenever I get back from a stay at NM's and today seemed worse , I made sure she had a full fridge etc before I left and also went out for medicine and herbal rememdies for her , I've checked in daily too , always told her I would be home sunday afternoon. Arrived home at 2.30 and she said quite aggressively " I thought you had forgotten about me" unaware that my sister was following me in to the house , noticed when i started cleaning up that the back was off the tv controls and the batteries missing , I wish I had taken a picture of the things we swept up when we pulled the furniture out but batteries werent one of them however when we finished she got really stroppy about the missing batteries as she couldnt turn the tv over and virtually accussed us of losing them and expected that we should have come across them.
After we had finished , I went out to check my sisters oil with her and when I came back in my mum had gone back to bed so I called out to her and she said she had gone to bed as she couldnt watch tv so I asked her if she wanted me to go and get some batteries to cheer her up - im pretty sure she misheard me and thought I said something about clearing up,
She said yes and then said she had no money until tomorrow !! I made a remark that I didnt know what she did with her money and she said she had been xmas shopping ( shes been doing this since August) so i said well perhaps you shouldnt buy so much as she has been told numerous times to reign it in given her financial situation , ended up with a few cross words as I was told nothing had been sorted for dinner and to get something out the freezer ( there was nothing ready to cook in there) and that I didn't appreicate how ill she had been the last few weeks.
I'm not quite sure what her illness has to do with the batteries or having no money for them.
its just so frustrating as the last 6 - 8 weeks I admit I havent been home much , I have however been doing the shopping etc and going to aldi's to keep it to 20 -30 a week just for her.i've made the journey back to get things in for her even though its a 90 min round trip.  I think shes picked up on the cost thing herself as she asked if I wanted a reduction in my housekeep as often I chip in on food over at NM's , I said no as as the house was up for sale i was happy to continue what I was doing as I wanted her to be in a good as position as possible when I moved in.
Considering the food bill has been an average of 30 a week for the last 6 weeks at least and she is getting 80 a week from me , why are we still in the situation that she has no money the day before pension day and is at her overdraft limit !!!!! She can only be choosing to spend her overdraft on other things instead.
this leads me on to my living situation , being here affects my outlook ,my mental wellbeing , my comfort - everything.. My heart often drops when I arrive home as i am not sure what I will find,
NM is not happy in his house share as some people left and his new house mates dont have the same ethic as him on all mucking in and all clearing up after themselves. A work friend is renting her flat out , its in a lovely area of the town I work in , very quiet and secluded and an oldy wordly feel in a new town.  its newly decorated , she has never lived in it and is renting it fully furnished. she offered it to me previously but because of home and my mums finances I've ummed and ahhed but I did suggest to NM he looked at it, He saw it on Friday and she wants 150 less a month then she would through an agent , she isnt sure when it may be free as it may be used by a family member who is recovering from an operation although this is also not known but they have agreed together that he will take it as soon as its available as she defo wants to rent it out. she has only not lived in it as she moved to the area to be near her partner and as the relationship progressed ended up living at theirs anyway. hes excited as he gets personal space back and has told me that there is room for me too and he would like it if i moved in too. As potentially when i can buy he will move in , its sounds like a good test to make sure we can do it. I'm pretty sure we can as we have never had an argument but it leaves me a situation to broach with my mum as she will lose my income sooner then expected which is kind of what i have been trying to prepare her for all along. Not sure what I am going to do but I know I will end up with NM place most of the time and feel I should contribute ,Also learnt my mum will now have either a hip or knee operation in the next 6 months which means a lot of work for my sister and I - when she had her other knee done , the majority fell on my shoulders as I live here, I was exhausted as we also had the dog who expected  3 walks a day , her bed needed changing 3 times a day so it was like a chinese laundry , there was the shopping to do and I was leaving her breakfast , lunch and coming in to sort dinner , she admitted recently that she really could have done more sooner but she didnt because if someone else will do it , she is pretty much happy too. Following the last op , she had a new bed  downstairs for a good 3 - 4 weeks , before it went upstairs , my sister and I gutted her room , it wasnt well looked after by any means but by the time we had finished it was like a hotel suite - I am pretty sure that is the last time she has ever touched it , I darent even look in there , i dont need too I know its horrendous and its not down to anything other then she doesnt care and she cant be bothered as it was given to her in tip top presentation. shes already asked if when i move I will be taking my bedroom furniture as I think she has designs on moving in here ( my bed is quite frankly heaven , divine and the best thing I have ever owned)  part of me thinks that my room would be much more comfortable for her post operation , we know from the past she loves my bed ,  although im in no doubt she will ruin that too.Maybe I'm just making myself feel better in the situation.
Lots of thinking to do , as moving in with NM is tempting and its a good test to when i get my own place as I think he will quite likely move in too and my daughter is happy with that anyway.
If i do , I was going to suggest that he covers he the rent as he was always going too and I cover the council tax and utilities , i.e broadband , tv licence , water , gas , electric and we have a kitty for food.
He knows my predicament with clearing debt although we havent talked numbers , he doesnt do credit at all which is great as I intend to be in the same club 
In other news its pay day tomorrow and i have 220 excess cash in my account and have squirreled this in to my savings pot - its my xmas spend pot but I've coped so far using my wages so im hopeful there may be a surplus to add to the EF , At the moment there is about 500 in the xmas spend pot , my kids keep reminding me I am cutting down but I know i have quite a bit to buy yet and I also have NM's birthday to cater for.
Now the Very account is clear I have re instated the direct debit to 200 a month toward the c/card and am also thinking any left in the xmas pot after the event may be better used toward that bill for a boost rather then adding to the EF which sits at 6.7k

If your still with me , thanks for listening to my brain dump .I may be able to switch my brain off tonight.

enthusiasticsaver

I am frankly amazed you have stayed living with your mum for so long. From the sound of it she is dreadful with money and the house is a tip and while you are there to sub her and sort out the house etc she will let you do everything. I think you have to leave regardless of her finances and she has had plenty of warning you will be moving out at some point. Deal with the op when it happens. Could be 6 months or it could be a year. I would not put your life on hold dealing with her stuff too. Help and support yes but what you have done seems to go beyond that. Sounds like she needs somewhere smaller all on one level.

efes_shareholder

enthusiasticsaver said:

I am frankly amazed you have stayed living with your mum for so long. From the sound of it she is dreadful with money and the house is a tip and while you are there to sub her and sort out the house etc she will let you do everything. I think you have to leave regardless of her finances and she has had plenty of warning you will be moving out at some point. Deal with the op when it happens. Could be 6 months or it could be a year. I would not put your life on hold dealing with her stuff too. Help and support yes but what you have done seems to go beyond that. Sounds like she needs somewhere smaller all on one level.

it would be ideal to try and get her in a self contained over 55's I think but its the sell ability of the house which will cause the issue and the work to clear the 45 years of accumulation of work.
She seems to be away with the fairies when it comes to the reality of things like this.
I decided a while ago I couldnt let her hold me back , its just frustrating that although she has got some payments down etc , she still has no "overdraft" left each week - Just confirms that she will spend whatever she sees available regardless.