taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

so today im very much taking stock and considering things
Drove mum to and from the doctors , as expected they are pretty sure there is something not right with her digestive system. Shes lost around 2 stone in the last 6 - 8 weeks and been checked for potential stomach infections which are clear , having trouble eating without some sort of pain and indigestion amongst other symptons.
The stool check came back clear last week and they did say no further action , I heard her consultation to the doctors and was unaware of some of the problems she had been having ( except the heartburn and having trouble keeping things down ) and she did have to stamp her feet a bit to get any further but they have since referred her for some investigation screenings and today blood tests and the like. She hasn't too much but she did say they asked for family history on both pancreatic and bowel cancer and they are now checking out the possibility of either of those being the cause.
I've told her not to over think anything and they need to be investigating all possibilities , but im obviously concerned and have been since i heard her consultation. Historically shes never taken the healthy life style approach and until a few years ago was smoking around 30 a day , the reality is you may not get away with those choices forever.
its also made me concerned for xmas , my sister always comes here with her kids which means if 2 of mine also come we have a full house. My EX is going to the fruitcakes family so there is no potential for them to spend the day at the house with him but after all the extra spikes etc i'm really not sure a house full is the best idea. Equally I can't pull rank and tell my sister to stay away. 
Then I consider the worse and wonder whether I should be considering moving out ?? Feel a bit guilty about getting upset with her lack of care and general messiness which are are way off the scale for normal people but then shes been lazy since I can remember , going back to my teens so its nothing new
I guess we just need to hope the tests are forthcoming and dealt with quickly in the current covid situation and then we need to evaluate where we go from there. 
I had been considering encouraging her to look at downsizing etc as with any luck i can purchase at soon as my house sells and was looking at options to possible do it retrospectively so that this place could have some kind of renovation works before being marketed 
Lots and lots going on in my head.
In other news a gift card has arrived from work which will cover the cost of a dressing gown from marks for NM however when I probe new man , he says get him a gadget !! so i've been considering a karoake machine as he does like a bit of a sing song. 
Running out of time to decide

efes_shareholder

why does this time of year feel so overwhelming
It shouldn't compared to the years when my kids were young but it does...................one last present to buy being NM , i've spent a fair wack across the board but dont seem to have much to show for it however all catered for so no new xmas related debt which is a first for years.
I'm becoming increasingly frustrated by the debts still to clear , its imperative i think that I really start to give myself a budget for things which fall outside of the box
I looked through my previous bank statements and its nearly 3 years since I was last overdrawn , at which point I was regularly maxed out at 1500 overdraft capacity. If I hadn't had to replace the car I'm pretty sure I would be there by now.
Have an idealism of being rid of the debts by the end of 2020 , the car finishes in December and it would be nice to be free of the card by then too.....................Still Toy with idea of using my EF and rebuilding but im on 0% so its pointless really and with the situation with my mum being as it is I think its probably wise to have something set aside just in case.

Humdinger1

Efes

I do hope you don't mind me sticking my oar in, but I think you should carry on with plans to set up home with NM. You don't have to ignore your mother, and of course hope her test results are ok, but you really do deserve and need a life of your own where you're valued and happy; just because you're here now doesn't mean this is how it must stay.  I can see all too easily a scenario where you end up doing everything with no respite or help and it ends up making you ill and wrecking your life; who will step in then for your mother?  Self preservation isn't selfishness; it gives you the space and energy to help others more effectively than you ever could as an exhausted drudge.  I think I'd have been screaming and smashing all the furniture some while back so give yourself credit for your patience and kindness this far. Sorry if this is too outspoken love Humdinger x 

peb

As humdinger says please don't put your life on hold for your mum,  you need to live your own life 

Kitten868

I'm so sorry about the update on your mum. I hope its something else. I know people that have developed issues with their food pipe and acid that can be treated with medication. Its not wonderful but they can eat. They have to rule out the worst first. 
Don't worry about telling your sister to stay away. Its not your decision - its your mums and she wants them. 
I hope your presents for everyone are the right thing and are received well. I'm sure they will be. You are thoughtful. 
With the debt park it for next year now. They're all on 0% now and if the car is paid off now that gives you room to jiggle payments round next month. Fab news that its paid off now though! X

efes_shareholder

thank you for your inputs 
The car wont be paid off until December 2021 , I forget when i wrote it that we are still in december. so its 11 more payments
We have some progress , it all comes at once. My house has an offer thats been accepted.
Its slightly less then what they had wanted but its not the end of the world and I think we both just want to get it done. it looks like a short chain as my ex is buying a vacant property and the emphasis is to try and complete before the stamp duty holiday expires.
It all comes at once. 
I cant do anything until its at least at exchange as my deposit is tied up in the proceeds , obviously concerned with mums health but i do intend to carry on with my plans
I wont be far away and as you say will have much more patience etc 

efes_shareholder

Humdinger1 said:

Efes

I do hope you don't mind me sticking my oar in, but I think you should carry on with plans to set up home with NM. You don't have to ignore your mother, and of course hope her test results are ok, but you really do deserve and need a life of your own where you're valued and happy; just because you're here now doesn't mean this is how it must stay.  I can see all too easily a scenario where you end up doing everything with no respite or help and it ends up making you ill and wrecking your life; who will step in then for your mother?  Self preservation isn't selfishness; it gives you the space and energy to help others more effectively than you ever could as an exhausted drudge.  I think I'd have been screaming and smashing all the furniture some while back so give yourself credit for your patience and kindness this far. Sorry if this is too outspoken love Humdinger x 

no talking out of turn at all and thank you for taking time to post. Lots of very valid points - I am a grown up and circumstances have meant I returned home but these change and I am entitled to a certain quality of life.
I've made many sacrafices over the years from renting at high costs and being apart from the kids so I really dont want to continue to make them when I have other options.
We get one life and we never know how long we have to live it so I have to carry on with my own plans and adjust to whatever is going on around me

efes_shareholder

peb said:

As humdinger says please don't put your life on hold for your mum,  you need to live your own life 

peb said:

As humdinger says please don't put your life on hold for your mum,  you need to live your own life 

absolutely ,  my mindset has always been to be selfless but it hasnt really got me very far

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

I'm so sorry about the update on your mum. I hope its something else. I know people that have developed issues with their food pipe and acid that can be treated with medication. Its not wonderful but they can eat. They have to rule out the worst first. 
Don't worry about telling your sister to stay away. Its not your decision - its your mums and she wants them. 
I hope your presents for everyone are the right thing and are received well. I'm sure they will be. You are thoughtful. 
With the debt park it for next year now. They're all on 0% now and if the car is paid off now that gives you room to jiggle payments round next month. Fab news that its paid off now though! X

fingers crossed , my dad has had similar problems and had to have an operation to repair his food pipe , he has to be careful what he eats but his general health is fine.
My 6th sense tells me something more sinister is going on , just because many of her symptons seem to be further down the stomach and she generally doesn't think of her health when making choices.
She has had blood tests looking for markers so hopefully we may know a bit more soon.
We are now in Tier 4 so its no one for Xmas which saved the concern I had regarding the gathering , it hasnt taken all the gloss of the day though. The only positive I can find is that Zoom is readily available and god willing next xmas I will be in my own house where it will be open house

efes_shareholder

Day 2 in Tier 4
not feeling great today , feel a bit sick with an unsettled stomach , I think it may have been the level of gin I consumed last night but who knows.
Hopefully it will ease up.
Mums not great either , is very tired and generally uncomfortable
It looks like Xmas will be a very quiet affair. NM is going to join mum and I for dinner as we are in a bubble and if he doesn't come here he will be alone which is not nice for anyone. Its going to be very different considering the house is usually madness of paper and laughter and rounds of cards against humanity. I'm not even sure mum will manage her xmas dinner so we will just have to ride the day out and take it as it comes.

Should be working but find myself on right move , the house sale is trying to be completed before the end of the stamp duty holiday which I pray the government will extend as I will benefit from it. Theres not much on the market right now , just trying to get a range on what comes up in my price region. I do know that houses in my target area and range don't take long to sell so once I can I am going to have to be on the ball.  The ex is buying a vacant property and our house has a buyer who has a first time buyer beneath them so its a relatively short chain.
I think in the new year I will call around to local agents and explain my situation and try and get a relationship with them so i at least may get a call when new properties are put on the market rather then having to wait until they are online.
Big drive to get the card down in the meantime needed.
It will all have to be gone at the point of a mortgage being issued