taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

Kitten868

I just want you to know that you're 100% in the right on this as I know he's manipulating your children with his twisted narrative of it all and that you'll get some push back. I know how hard it is when you're doing the right thing but everyone around you talks you down. I'm so angry for you with how he's involving the children. Xxxx

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

I just want you to know that you're 100% in the right on this as I know he's manipulating your children with his twisted narrative of it all and that you'll get some push back. I know how hard it is when you're doing the right thing but everyone around you talks you down. I'm so angry for you with how he's involving the children. Xxxx

this was my initial reaction - my daughter said she felt in the middle , she wouldn't have if he hadn't put her there
He sold her the dream without giving her the implications and played on her anxieties 
The gf has been onb social media throughout lockdown flaunting her enjoyment at the entertainment and drinking going on at the neighbours 
If the property doesnt sell for market value due to covid then we both take the hit ..................if he wants to try and buy me out I will pay for an independant valuation and he will buy me out at that rate
he will twist this to be my fault and I'm sure he will think i've influenced my daughter or put her in contact with people that will do but thats not the case , he can tell any tales he want - i know i've been nothing but considerate , my biggest error was being so for 9 years !

efes_shareholder

todays word is tired 
I've been over with NM a few days and woke up at 4.30 when he was getting ready for work.............full of excitement as easyjet 2021 go on sale today ,i sat and waited for the early release that didnt happen so then i fast footed it home before the rush hour started.
had told my mum to leave her bank card and the shopping list so i could do this before work at 8 but off course she hadn't. Cupboards were starkly bare so grateful i'd stopped and at least got myself something for lunch in anticipation of nothing at home !! Rebooked next years flights with this years voucher and £60 in credit left over. New man says find flights to amsterdam or dublin with the rest and we will get a few days away.
Its tempting but i'm still nervous About travel and I need cocktails and sunshine not hookers and drugs !! My friend recently offered me 2 places on her holiday with her to somewhere i went year on year for a long time , its close to my heart but it was 2 weeks and it was as she is tied to school holidays considerably expensive so i declined.
Works been silly busy so i doubt i'd get 2 weeks off and with the uncertainity surrounding the house I can't justify such a treat anyway - the card and the car have to take priority
Since my daughter declined to be on the mortgage i've heard nothing from the ex , I need to broach this but not sure how - I know he doesnt want to move but that is really not my problem , i'm thinking a few more days and i will ask him if he has any other solutions but considering he said a month ago it would be on the market , we now look to go down that avenue , I sense difficulty and akwardness with the whole process on the horizon 
i've finished work and then gone to go shopping , i could just about drag my sorry bum through aldi and packind seemed such an effort.
bought it all home and lugged it from the car to the house , knocked to get my mum to come and help it in and shes in bed - there are currently 8 bags of shopping on the table as i have neither the inclination or the energy to unpack any of it - she has literally done nothing all day !!!!!! 
on a more positive note , recieved a part refund for a cancelled event , need to get it moved from my credit card to my bank account and it basically means another event i booked in its place next year has now got the deposit covered and I dont need to stump this up 

efes_shareholder

so i managed to have an amicable chat with the ex and he has conceeded that the house is going on the market in the very near future
Its very difficult to know if it will sell or when but the ball is rolling and at some point I will have a decent deposit to move forward with.
Finally I've got a haircut tonight , i will be able to see where I am going !!

efes_shareholder

im here for a rant.
I came home from NM today as I had a haircut booked ( YAY! ) and he needed to do a few errands with his kids so I thought I'd come back and keep mum company
Drove back in my lunchbreak , came upstairs to resume work and noticed my bed was unmade ( always make my bed) and the sheet was damp ( knew i'd had bed sweats but havent been here since saturday) basically at some point she has decided to use my bed and spoilt it and not noticed !!
I've hit the roof - we are currently not on very good terms
There is no need for her to be in my room and certainly no need for her to be sleeping in my bed
I know she has her accidents and possible she had one and decided to relocate to my room but still there is a spare room , i may rent a room of her but every stitch of furniture and my bed came with me 
i'm not happy , months of frustration have hit boiling point and "sorry" doesn't really cut it
I've told her sorry doesn't cut it and that i have every right to be upset with her ( she told me I always had to be right !) 
I've taken all her gaslighting personally and with every effort in the world I can't get the smell of stale wee out of my nostrils even if everything has been febreezed and disinfected
I don't want to be here , i've told her i'll be looking for somewhere else to live as she has no consideration for me , my privacy or my possessions
rant over

efes_shareholder

so today is a better day but theres a massive atnosphere in the house which I can't see going anywhere any time soon.
I don't want to be here and i have to accept that realistically its at least 6 months until I have more options , I do have the bolt hole of dashing over to NM's but I want to live in clean and comfortable surroundings where my privacy is respected.
I have choices 
1) suck it up until the house sells and I can buy and just make the most of the visits to NM
2) Look for a house share in the interum
3) Rent a small studio or  1 bedroom flat
Options 2 and 3 impact me financially , I will have less to put against my debts and won't be able to put money away each month. Its clear from my mums reaction that she is resentful that I may move and leave her in a much worse financial state but its almost 2 years since I discovered the level of her problems and in all honesty despite knowing I wouldn't be here forever there is little change in her situation - she just seems to have to spend whatever is available to her.
My kids have suggested perhaps its more an early sign of dementia now rather then her mental health issues and that fits as her personal care has gone right out of the window - shes gained any weight she lost through bad choices and has no care for herself or it would appear anyones elses things..................but this isnt a new thing. This is how I always remember her.
I'm back over to new mans tonight until he goes on to his shift tomorrow and I can't wait to be out of here , I haven't told him whats happened and I'm not sure I can without being riddled with embarrassment.
I'm on the naughty step for daring to be upset about it , she sorted herself some dinner out last night without even asking if i wanted any although i did have to switch the oven off after her as she had left it blasting
I dont intend to ask her for anything or expect anything as it seems I'm only here for her financial benefit - I pay a decent amount of money to be here , almost half what she gets in her private and government pension and i'm away 3 - 4 nights a week so don't need feeding 

in other news im optomstic that a refund i've been chasing will be paid in full soon , its a deposit of £50 but it all helps

DancingInTheRain

Long time lurker 😊 just wanted to wish you well and say I'm pleased you're feeling better today. What a difficult situation to be in, I really feel for you.

It's difficult to advise on what the best option for you at the moment is as you have so many external factors affecting you.

I would consider talking to NM about your circumstances, I know you feel embarrassed but from the way you describe him he seems like a decent man who just wants the best for you so he may be able to support you in reaching a way forward that would work for you.

Take care and good luck x

efes_shareholder

DancingInTheRain said:

Long time lurker 😊 just wanted to wish you well and say I'm pleased you're feeling better today. What a difficult situation to be in, I really feel for you.

It's difficult to advise on what the best option for you at the moment is as you have so many external factors affecting you.

I would consider talking to NM about your circumstances, I know you feel embarrassed but from the way you describe him he seems like a decent man who just wants the best for you so he may be able to support you in reaching a way forward that would work for you.

Take care and good luck x

hi and thank you.
He knows I find it difficult here and that its a home which isnt run how I would  run my own - He has been here and i told him of my embarrassment as I didn't want it to be a reflection of me !!!
How i rely the latest episode to him , I don't know 
I like to be an uncomplicated beast , not needing anything from anyone and sorting things out my way but i'm so so cross right now 

Humdinger1

Efes

You're right to be furious! You've been so restrained,  both with mother and EH but it's healthy to consider yourself too.  A good sign that things are moving on, even if uncomfortable.   Do you think you'd like to live with NM? You are of course free to tell me to mind my own business! Love Humdinger x 

Kitten868

Could you turn the embarrassment round on her? Buy incontinence sheets? That big plastic base sheet.
Another option, option 4 is to get a lock for your door on the outside so she can't go in there when you're not home. She's waaay overstepped the boundary. She can't complain. You'll remove it when you leave and there's wood filler.

I'm glad the ex has agreed to the sale but like you say even if its true its about 6 months. You can make it. Don't move out. Reassert your boundaries. You are going to make it. Keep going x