taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

feeling slightly better about things , spent the evening at NM's to chill out a bit and just de stress.
I'm not happy about the position my EX is putting our daughter in or the fact he is utilising her to enable him to get what he wants but I just have to see what pans out. Ultimately he cannot remortgage without my consent however I do not think he has realised that yet. I have however decided that I will not authorise anything at all until she has sat down with a financial advisor and knows excatly what she is signing up for.
Payday has been and gone , it looks a tighter month as things re open and deposits are paid for events being planned next year however I've moved £200 in to my stash and upped my credit card direct debit from £150.00 to £200.00 
I'm hoping by doing this I can meet in the middle somewhere in the future but still retain some cash for those emergancies and house buying expenses
I'll be heading over to NM's either later this evening or tomorrow and spending a few days there , I believe we will have a dinner out over the weekend which will be nice considering we haven't been able too for so long.

efes_shareholder

where did the weekend go?
Spent saturday at the market and had dinner out saturday night which was a lovely treat.
I did treat myself to a pair of trainers at the market - didn't really need them but they are black and I don't have a black pair !!
All of the direct debits have left my account and I have a budget for the month - its looks tight but its the same as previous months where its been fine so should be ok.
Waiting on a call from a friend who is a financial advisor re borrowing etc for mortgages..............have heard no more from the ex re the property.
feel like theres a lot going on behind my back and i dont like this feeling at all

efes_shareholder

so yesterday I received a message from the ex asking for a chat - he told me about his enquiries to remortgage as he doesnt want to sell before his retirement as to be mortgage free he will need to commute an hour to and from work etc etc , he then mentioned my daughters involvement to allow him to access more funds.
The whole conversation was very defensive as if he knew it was slightly under hand however told him it was up to her however I wanted her to have financial advice as she would be sacraficing any perks of first time buying  , when I suggested an old family friend , he objected citing that she was on " my side"
Just confirmed hes viewing it as a battle.
He wasn't happy when I said he would need my permission to remortgage and accussing me of adding the restriction to the deeds after the event , even though I had sent a copy of the documentation to him and the date is clearly marked on it !
I got a lot of buff about the housing market being about to drop and the house needing work ( it does however that according to our dec of trust is his responsibilty ) and then an offer to buy me out at a sum which in my opinion is around 20 - 25k short of what it should be , he added a further 5k to his orginall offer which I flatly refused.
he is so sensitive and difficult to deal with and was very quick to react to anything I said and put words in my mouth - he says its keeps us both happy as i can then buy and daughter and him can stay in the house however I pointed out to him that to enable that , I am expected to take a financial hit and if the market dropped and the house didnt acheive the prices expected we would both be taking it.
Not sure if we are going to get a resolution which we both like , it feels rushed and it feels like my daughter has been bought on to tug at my empathy but money is money and its a sizeable hit
I've told him I am waiting to hear from my mortgage man but the offer wasn't appealling to me 
I'm tired of it all to be honest 
i'm home now after a lovely 4 days with NM , we didnt do too much but it was nice never the less. I cook a lot when I go over there and make sure he has plenty in the fridge for his work days , during the course off the last two days i've done beef stew and dumplings , chicken fajita pie and a chicken curry and enjoyed doing so.

efes_shareholder

bit down today 
todays word is capital gains tax , i need to investigate this as there is some liability due to the family home no longer being my residence however I don't know if the gain is calculated from when the house was purchased or when the declaration of trust was established.................i'm not on the deeds or the mortgage , we have a a dec of trust and a charge on the trust so i'm hoping that it would be calculated from 2016 when the trust was established as i think this comes under my own personal bracket since if anything prices in our area are coming down.
I spoke to my mortgage advisor today - my debts really do impact my lending capacity and i am kicking myself for taking the scenic route and not doing as i have been during corona - If I pay my debts off I can borrow around 30 - 40 k more then if I have them.
The main culprit being the commitment to the car loan which has about 16 months left to run so I am going to pop money away with the view to paying this off even though the interest was front loaded
The good news is my credit score is fixing itself and i can access apr's of 1.4% of fixed terms and also obtain a mortgage to be repaid by 75 and not 70
the bad news is that the option of the ex buying at a reduced rate i morally can't allow to happen , it will stick in my throat. I need to relay this to him but i would rather sit down and discuss it like adults then have a conversation over the phone 
Technically i could take what he is offering and keep a further 10% or a set figure when he sells which he wants too on retirement
i hate having to think adult things , potentially what comes from the house really makes the difference in what I can buy.
Ideally I'd like a house but would have to sacrafice area as completely out of range in my area or i'd consider a flat to stay around the area i've known for 44 years - potentially a flat in the area i work is achievable either way but thats a compromise on both things for the sake of my overly anxious daughter really
I need to stop thinking , creating scenerios and having a plan A , B , C , D - its time to really start to bring these debts down

Humdinger1

Efes

Long time lurker here,  popping out to say how much I enjoy your diary,  and empathise with your situation.  I think it's worth a quick chat with your solicitor,  because I think the CGT rules may allow an exception for your circs.   I also think you'll feel better as you move towards the full exit from EH.   A bullet dodged, from all I'm hearing! You are doing brilliantly.   As for the girlfriend,  it may look rosy but given the personalities involved,  mayhem is just around the corner if not already in place! Keep us posted love Humdinger x 

efes_shareholder

Humdinger1 said:

Efes

Long time lurker here,  popping out to say how much I enjoy your diary,  and empathise with your situation.  I think it's worth a quick chat with your solicitor,  because I think the CGT rules may allow an exception for your circs.   I also think you'll feel better as you move towards the full exit from EH.   A bullet dodged, from all I'm hearing! You are doing brilliantly.   As for the girlfriend,  it may look rosy but given the personalities involved,  mayhem is just around the corner if not already in place! Keep us posted love Humdinger x 

HI 
thank you for your post , its nice to know i'm not just twittering away to myself
I'm feeling slightly better about things now  , I won't be coherced in to selling out on the cheap and the ex is basically going to have to find some more money from somewhere if he wants to stay
the market in area is declining slightly prob due to covid etc but not as such a drastic rate as he suggested
I have identified a flat that I would be happy with but I would need another 10k to make it viable.as
its imperative that i pay the card and car off to get the mortgage - i think i have just enough in my savings but that leaves me short on fees and furnishings .......basically every penny counts 
I've no sympathy for the ex - I can't give a sympathetic sale when he can spend 5k on a pushbike !!!

spent a bit more this weekend , did a primark trip with my daughter which cleared the air over recent carryings on and had lunch with my best mate - only bought socks and underwear in primark and some wash stuff in savers but with lunch it was around the £40 mark
Today I have a "well women" hospital check - I DO NOT WANT TO GO !!  i hate them but i guess it has to be done  , I'm on annual checks for the foreseeable so its best i just wear my big girl pants

Verbatim

As you had to return to living with your mum, which hasn't been easy for you, I don't think any concessions should be coming first from you. If I remember correctly you made this large sacrifice allowing your ex to remain in the house so that your children could continue having security in the family home. Your ex has therefore had the benefit of this considerably better environment for however many years it is.  How about suggesting you swap places so that you live in the house for an equal number of years and he moves in with a family member or his girlfriend!? I don't suppose that this is likely to be a serious possibility but it might give him pause to think.

efes_shareholder

Verbatim said:

As you had to return to living with your mum, which hasn't been easy for you, I don't think any concessions should be coming first from you. If I remember correctly you made this large sacrifice allowing your ex to remain in the house so that your children could continue having security in the family home. Your ex has therefore had the benefit of this considerably better environment for however many years it is.  How about suggesting you swap places so that you live in the house for an equal number of years and he moves in with a family member or his girlfriend!? I don't suppose that this is likely to be a serious possibility but it might give him pause to think.

Thank you - you are spot on 
he has already had by far the better deal , he wants me out on the cheap to enable him to do the improvements required and acheive optitum value when he comes to sell in a few years time.
His plans are scuppered anyhow as after talking to a mutual financial advisor and mortgage advisor , my daughter has decided that as much as she doesnt want to move out , she doesn't want to surrender her first time buyer status in order to acheive this and doesnt want to be included on his mortgage.
Without this he has little option other then to sell................the gf has suggested she obtains the mortgage with him however her income is less although she is sitting on a stash as she sold her place to move back to her daughters however strangely enough she has moved in to my house ( like I didnt see that being manipulated a year ago !! ) 
I'm actually quite pleased my daughter reached this desicion , her inclusion created division between the two of us and i think would have created bigger problems down the line.
in other news todays hospital appointment although unpleasant was quick and relatively straight forward , very weird having the procedure done wearing a facemask but with your dignity on full parade !! 
NM treat me to dinner after for being a brave girl , we ate turkish al fresco which was absolutely lovely and about as close as we will get to being on holiday right now - it was expensive so thank ful he footed the bill

Kitten868

Even ignoring all the ugly past of how much you suffered to give your kids a stable home you can't settle for the cheap price. He brought your daughter into it totally selfishly. He kept her in the dark about all the shortcomings - he wanted to change it from you under his will to her! He's a disgrace. I imagine she'd still be stuck on his mortgage in her 40s. Forget that. I would start applying for a force of sale totally guilt free xxxx

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

Even ignoring all the ugly past of how much you suffered to give your kids a stable home you can't settle for the cheap price. He brought your daughter into it totally selfishly. He kept her in the dark about all the shortcomings - he wanted to change it from you under his will to her! He's a disgrace. I imagine she'd still be stuck on his mortgage in her 40s. Forget that. I would start applying for a force of sale totally guilt free xxxx

hi kitten , I don't feel guilty at all towards him ,he knew this would come but thought he had the power to sit in easy street.
I'm going to give him a few days to digest and look at solutions , I don't see that he has any other then selling
Hopefully in the interim I can settle my debts which will give me the more choice going forward.
Its not the ideal time to sell but it will never be and he wants to stay as hes having lots of fun getting drunk with the neighbours!