taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

so today is not a good day mentally - I am struggling , it strikes every so often and feels like all the jam has been stolen from my doughnut. 

I don't know if its recent events , the menopause , the state of my relationship right now , the time of year but I am wallowing and miserable and having difficulty snapping out of it - NM is being his usual self and going silent on me rather then try and help and that is making it 10 times worse. Apparantly he can tell by my face I am in a mood , I can't change my face I've had it nearly 52 years.

I have tried to do something positive and have made enquiries about counselling - I either feel I need this or anti depressents and I am not keen on the latter , even if to off load the last couple of years. 

Anyhow , that will be quite a sum to find every week but I think it may be beneficial and I will have to find it.

Have given up trying to keep track of the budget this week , this time of years the wheels just seem to come off a bit as you remember who you havent catered for or sorted for a gift - I am really not in the festive mood but I am pretty sure the gift buying is finished and the wrapping , food and house sorting is all that remains , I am at least a step ahead of NM who in typical fashion has not bought a gift for any of his lot yet. I won't be rescuing him ......................I cant even pin them down to when we will see them over xmas although I did see a message from MC saying he was away xmas and boxing day.........................good to see he is prioritising his kids , I am actually quite pleased though as I am not ready to be generous towards him

Newstartforme

efes_shareholder said:

so today is not a good day mentally - I am struggling , it strikes every so often and feels like all the jam has been stolen from my doughnut. 

I don't know if its recent events , the menopause , the state of my relationship right now , the time of year but I am wallowing and miserable and having difficulty snapping out of it - NM is being his usual self and going silent on me rather then try and help and that is making it 10 times worse. Apparantly he can tell by my face I am in a mood , I can't change my face I've had it nearly 52 years.

I have tried to do something positive and have made enquiries about counselling - I either feel I need this or anti depressents and I am not keen on the latter , even if to off load the last couple of years. 

Anyhow , that will be quite a sum to find every week but I think it may be beneficial and I will have to find it.

Have given up trying to keep track of the budget this week , this time of years the wheels just seem to come off a bit as you remember who you havent catered for or sorted for a gift - I am really not in the festive mood but I am pretty sure the gift buying is finished and the wrapping , food and house sorting is all that remains , I am at least a step ahead of NM who in typical fashion has not bought a gift for any of his lot yet. I won't be rescuing him ......................I cant even pin them down to when we will see them over xmas although I did see a message from MC saying he was away xmas and boxing day.........................good to see he is prioritising his kids , I am actually quite pleased though as I am not ready to be generous towards him

So sorry you feel low @efes_shareholder,  winter can be tough . Good idea to look into helping yourself if possible,  money well spent in my opinion.  You have had a tough time lately and NM should be more supportive,  how does he think the silent treatment will help you ! Or even worse putting your sadness down to a mood . Hope things improve over Christmas and you get some time with your family and GS xx

efes_shareholder

Newstartforme said:

efes_shareholder said:

so today is not a good day mentally - I am struggling , it strikes every so often and feels like all the jam has been stolen from my doughnut. 

I don't know if its recent events , the menopause , the state of my relationship right now , the time of year but I am wallowing and miserable and having difficulty snapping out of it - NM is being his usual self and going silent on me rather then try and help and that is making it 10 times worse. Apparantly he can tell by my face I am in a mood , I can't change my face I've had it nearly 52 years.

I have tried to do something positive and have made enquiries about counselling - I either feel I need this or anti depressents and I am not keen on the latter , even if to off load the last couple of years. 

Anyhow , that will be quite a sum to find every week but I think it may be beneficial and I will have to find it.

Have given up trying to keep track of the budget this week , this time of years the wheels just seem to come off a bit as you remember who you havent catered for or sorted for a gift - I am really not in the festive mood but I am pretty sure the gift buying is finished and the wrapping , food and house sorting is all that remains , I am at least a step ahead of NM who in typical fashion has not bought a gift for any of his lot yet. I won't be rescuing him ......................I cant even pin them down to when we will see them over xmas although I did see a message from MC saying he was away xmas and boxing day.........................good to see he is prioritising his kids , I am actually quite pleased though as I am not ready to be generous towards him

So sorry you feel low @efes_shareholder,  winter can be tough . Good idea to look into helping yourself if possible,  money well spent in my opinion.  You have had a tough time lately and NM should be more supportive,  how does he think the silent treatment will help you ! Or even worse putting your sadness down to a mood . Hope things improve over Christmas and you get some time with your family and GS xx

It has certainly proved a difficult few months with the conflict the situation has created - its something I hope we can move past but also something that I may have to accept that we can't.

I know I have been communicating passive aggressively , bordering on a toxic environment and that may bring about some kind of shut down - HOWEVER I have valid reasons for being upset and acknowledgement of that would go some way to repairing it. 

There was the audacity to suggest that it was ME who was unfair in expecting him to tell his son to leave as I told him he could stay in the first place ................I really can't fathom that one out since it was out lined when he arrived it was short term only and then communicated to him in September that there was a deadline to the stay , some how I have become the villian in the peice !!!!

Moving on I do feel slightly more uplifted today , I need to drag myself out of this mood as ultimately it does more harm then good.

£66.96 quidco payment today so as the account is still looking relatively healthy I have added this to the mortgage overpayment - there is something quite nice about seeing a lower interest payment each month 

Humdinger1

MC is an arch manipulator @efes_shareholder.  NM probably doesn't want to see that so the only other option is that you become the villain.   Does NM see this? Love Humdinger xx 

efes_shareholder

Humdinger1 said:

MC in an arch manipulator @efes_shareholder.  NM probably doesn't want to see that so the only other option is that you become the villain.   Does NM see this? Love Humdinger xx 

He should see it but sometimes we wear blinkers with our kids ………. I see through him , I know he’s a manipulator , so do his sisters but his parents who knows ? It’s hard for some parents to see any faults in their kids 
his father defends him , sometimes though we have raised freeloaders 

if showing I meant what I said makes me a villain then suck it up buttercup , I’m pretty sure the conflict would much worse if mc was still here 

enthusiasticsaver

It is a shame that this situation with MC has soured the relationship with NM and at some point you will need to decide if it is worth continuing with if he continues with the toxic sulking and making you to be the villain.  I certainly would be stepping back from NMs children altogether re Christmas presents/get togethers etc. I know you get on ok with the girls but some men you give them an inch they will take a mile so only you will know if you get involved with buying presents etc whether he will take advantage of that. 

efes_shareholder

enthusiasticsaver said:

It is a shame that this situation with MC has soured the relationship with NM and at some point you will need to decide if it is worth continuing with if he continues with the toxic sulking and making you to be the villain.  I certainly would be stepping back from NMs children altogether re Christmas presents/get togethers etc. I know you get on ok with the girls but some men you give them an inch they will take a mile so only you will know if you get involved with buying presents etc whether he will take advantage of that. 

I have done the presents in the past but I haven't this year , in fact NM is complaining that MC has not given him a steer on what to buy his kids so I just replied , "dont get them anything then"  

It is  shame it has soured things - maybe MC learnt his lack of gratitude somewhere ................I certainly will not be offering any assistance where MC is concerned , I have purposely asked " what are the girls plans over xmas" and haven't even bought him in to the equation. I am half expecting him to roll up with the kids on saturday , usually I would converse , do the kids some food etc but if he does show I shall either go out or go and clean something as I am not ready to be around him for any length of time at the moment.

I felt like the villian when I voiced my upset to NM the other night and he attempted to turn it back on me by saying that I had offered the room to MC so it should never have been up to him to tell him to leave however I wasn't taking that and outlined that the room was offered short term , that I had told him in September when he had to leave by etc etc , but I'm just repeating myself so need to let it go and sit back and monitor it which believe me I will be. 

He does do a lot of nice caring things and he does support me but obviously I am just using this platform to air my frustrations and we have had a challenging few months ..................well I have !!! 

enthusiasticsaver

I can hear in your posts that you are not yet over the situation unsurprisingly and I find it incredible that your NM is using the fact you offered the room short term as a stick to beat you when you set the boundaries and then enforced them without his support. 

It is a salutary reminder that many (not just men) will take a mile if you give an inch. I think stepping back from doing things for NMs family for the time being at least is a good way to go.  They are not your children/grandchildren and if NM is the type of person to bury their head in the sand and just hope problems go away then you inevitably will be landing up as the villain. That is not good for your relationship or your  mental health. 

efes_shareholder

enthusiasticsaver said:acs the villain. That is not good for your relationship or your  mental health. 

The situation has not been good for either - its a shame that trying to help ends up like this but I guess that is a reminder of choosing your recipitants wisely.

It feels as if he won't allow himself to acknowledge that his son is in the wrong here out of some kind of loyalty so instead he needs to park some blame at other doors - I will not own that ! The mistake I made was offering the help in the first place and on reflection I was slightly manipulated with phone calls in tears when I did that !! 

NM is the type to bury his head in the sand and hope situations will just sort themselves out but thats not very realistic 

I am not great with my mental health at the best of times and I am guilty of holding on to stuff , time will tell if we get back to working together rather then having the division that is currently being experienced 

Humdinger1

@efes_shareholder do you think that time-limited couples counselling for you and NM might help things to move on? He sounds a bit stuck.  Up to you of course.  Love Humdinger xx