taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

We had a strained conversation last night 

mc went straight to gwg so the beef stew went mostly to waste as I didn’t eat 

nm insists he knew nothing about mc plans until last week and has not encouraged the recent gestures - he said mc had done these out of the goodness of his heart which I then laughed at and said I very much doubt that was his motive 

I firstly asked him if he had understood excatly how I felt during the conversation. With mc back in September and what had been said , he said he had so I asked why he could not have responded with re enforcing my feelings rather then telling mc to talk to me 
he agreed and apologised 

he also said there was no planned manipulation. I said maybe not by him but there was certainly manipulation of him by mc

there was a slight pity party for the mc , can’t see his kids what the ex has put him through - well I could make a career out of poor ex partners

i put the finances in layman terms - 9 months at 5k .=-45k ( more then nm and I earn a year ) - 5k for holidays and called off days is 40k 
alllow a very generous 20k for bills and expenses so where’s the other 20k been spent 

And yes if he doesn’t want to back me he can leave too 

efes_shareholder

Well as expected saturday was slightly strained until I left to go to my babysitting duty.

I really do get how NM feels in all this however he needs to step up and tell his son to fix up and stop putting stuff on me !!

I have made it perfectly clear over the weekend that I said the end of November because that what works for me and I will not be having another conversation just because someone wants to push my boundaries and has not accepted what I said. The fact that he has gone to his dad and made the request clearly shows that he feels his dad can re swing the pendulum and that is not the case.

I did give NM some hard facts over the choices MC has made , He told me what was left in the IHT pot and that he had recently taken another 3k to pay for the expensive repair on his van - I then spelt out excatly what he earnt and asked why after 9 months ( 45K) he did not have 3k in the bank to pay this himself?

I asked NM to compare this to his own earnings , half of which MC earns and then think about how that is distributed , what expenses he covers , what he saves and what ad hoc responbilities it covers............I said that I had managed to save 3k in the 9 months MC had been here and that was with paying a mortgage , utilities , life insurance , been on overseas trips etc etc so tell me please - why does he not have this?

The emotional manipulation was clear when NM then tries to say that MC had got himself in to a mess with the ex - I said I wasn't accepting that as he had been apart from the ex for a year , his obligation to her is £650 a month child support so where is the rest going?

I have said to NM I am disapointed that rather then say " you will have to speak to efes" he did not say " efes has already told you what is required so you need to sort yourself out" and that it had left me feeling like there was an me and them situation - He has apologised. , he said he didn't think it was up to him to talk on my behalf hence deflecting MC to me however since I have been quite clear to both of them I feel he could have re enforced the boundaries for me and advised MC not to approach with his request.

We did manage to have a nice day yesterday , a nice sunday dinner out and some chill time.

This morning MC has once again returned early before either myself orr NM was awake ( the ring doorbell was off on charge) however neither of us were aware he was in the house. This further highlights one of the problems as I am pottering around the house going about my business believing to be alone and could have been showering with the door open , on the toilet , having a private conversation - ANYTHING.  It was only going upstairs and seeing his light flicker off that led me to know he was here 
Fortunately he has now left for work and I have locked the door.

I have looked in his room this morning and there are 3 shopping bags from high end clothes shops - he learns nothing and I suspect he may have come back here early rather then going straight to work to conceal the recent purchases.

As well as having my own reasons for wanting him gone , It is very clear that this situation isn't helping him fix up in fact its having the opposite affect.

As a book I recently bought and have been reading , "let them" , I have no control over that and quite frankly will only take on what I can now control

let him ...................let him sort himself out somewhere else

efes_shareholder

finally thank you all for your kind words and support

When you are used to being a people pleaser and putting others first its easy to feel like the bad guy when you start to project your own needs.

I knew I wasn't the bad guy ...............sometimes it needs re enforcing and you guys did that 

Newstartforme

Always here to listen and advise ES and your most definitely not the bad guy. Would absolutely hate the fact he was in the house unannounced ! Though I get it was early I'd still hate it . Really hope dad gets through to him regarding your wishes and things start moving swiftly x

efes_shareholder

Newstartforme said:

Always here to listen and advise ES and your most definitely not the bad guy. Would absolutely hate the fact he was in the house unannounced ! Though I get it was early I'd still hate it . Really hope dad gets through to him regarding your wishes and things start moving swiftly x

Looks like I was wrong and he had only gone to the gym

He was back by 1.30 but had to ring the bell as I had locked the door from the inside

He has been snoring in his pit since he got back and still is now ( if you wanted to stay would you ask if any jobs needed doing ? maybe he already knows) 

the weeks forecast is rain so FML !!

Scott_Weiland79

Smudgeismydog said:

Earning £60k and paying you £50 per week??

My 23 year old lives with his mum and step dad/ and sis

He is lives down in Kent earns 33000py I am sure he said at the weekend he pays his mum 450 pm 🙄

Humdinger1

MC is a free-loader. You're right @efes_shareholder; where exactly does the rest of the money go?! Good that you and NM have cleared the air and you're on the same page love Humdinger xx 

efes_shareholder

Scott_Weiland79 said:

Smudgeismydog said:

Earning £60k and paying you £50 per week??

My 23 year old lives with his mum and step dad/ and sis

He is lives down in Kent earns 33000py I am sure he said at the weekend he pays his mum 450 pm 🙄

I was paying my mum £400 back in 2019 before covid and the cost of living crisis and earning 26k a year - I went home to get myself straight and ended up longer then expected due to her terminal cancer diagnosis.

The low rent is on me , I said to him when I set it , I'm not here to profit from you - I want you to get yourself straight and get yourself moved on.

He has used it as a way to enable his free spending , which is a choice on him not me - I wouldnt be in a hurry to lose that either

efes_shareholder

Humdinger1 said:

MC is a free-loader. You're right @efes_shareholder; where exactly does the rest of the money go?! Good that you and NM have cleared the air and you're on the same page love Humdinger xx 

I'm not sure where it goes - high end label clothes , fuel back and forth from the south coast , wining and dining GWG and expensive gifts for her. Possibly that special nose powder from Colombia.

Humdinger1

Yes I was wondering about the latter.  He has to go @efes_shareholder love Humdinger xx