taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

Seasidegal58

Sending positive vibes for the conversation this evening........👍❤️

efes_shareholder

Thank you - said conversation did not take place

NM came home quite despondent and stressed out about a situation at work and although I am not looking forward to the chat it was clear to me that this was NOT the time and I didn't need to put any more on him.

Instead I listened and offered encouragement , did us a nice dinner ( cod , chorizo and butter bean stew was banging) with a glass of wine.

A few times I did consider broaching it but he just seemed so ground down it didn't feel like the right time so just tried to lift the mood and give a relaxing environment ......................back of my mind I potentially considered that if he was chilled in our space , with a supportive me etc he may also want the space back but that may be wishful thinking

this evening plan to head to the gym and then I have to broach it as time is running out and there are potentially only two more evenings , so if he returns home in the same mindset I'm just gonna have to bite the bullet.


Money news not much happening which is good as it means not much spending going on ............................do need to decide what I am going to do with the 0% card which is nearing the end 

Seasidegal58

I think you were quite right in not having 'The Conversation' as OH sounded really down about work. Hopefully he's brighter this evening and you feel more confident that he will listen. 

efes_shareholder

Had a chat tonight - it was shorter then I expected but probably just aswell as it would have become a bit of an attack and no one wants to soak that up about their own child.

I basically said I’d felt really relaxed and enjoyed this week and realised I’d been quite short and triggered and basically that was because what was offered as a short term solution didn’t look like changing 
I asked him how long he thought the son expected to be with us
he basically agreed that and said he had been thinking the same
NM said he would be talking to him on his return about his plans and bringing the lack of progress up to him
i said mc earn good money and could afford his own space but seemed it was more convenient to use ours to wine and dine and show the lady the best time
i did mention being responsible and the 2.5k day job cash he churned through in a few weeks.

there were quite a few thoughtful silences , no objections and I think some embarrassment so I didn’t go to heavy on timelines - that can keep.

I mainly focused on lack of progress and that I’d always stated this was short term and we were 6 months in and nothing had changed 

efes_shareholder

so woke up this morning , thankful to have got my thoughts of my chest without going in to a charachter assanation 

it is out there now and NM is aware that I am wanting my space back - I will be touching on that hopefully without being passive aggressive as much as possible. Time scales haven't been mentioned but I won't shy away from that , I have realised looking back that I have sacraficed my own space and mental well with the circumstances of others in the past , I will not do it any longer. I had the most difficult years of my life with my mum , living in her space which she didnt care for etc but when she got ill , that could not be controlled or changed so once again I sacraficed alot , I would do it all again as she was my mum etc HOWEVER I won't sacrafice my personal space and wellbeing for a MC who is seeing it as an easy option to take the pee out of the kindness shown him.

ANYWAY , deep breaths , another 24 hours until we are foster parents again so I want to make the most of them , NM got up and made the gym, I didnt as I had a terrible night with my stomach , I want to go this evening and also plan a nice dinner for the two of us and a chill out and cuddle on the sofa.

I've knocked a glass of red wine over last night so I have a big staint o try and get out of the carpet just as my vax spotter has decided to malfunction again - warning to anyone , these machines dont have a list of spares you can buy and vax basically just want to you to buy a replacement so go for another brand to keep this stuff out of landfill

Humdinger1

Well done @efes_shareholder...the cavalry is coming over the hill.  Well, you are the cavalry in fact love Humdinger xx 

efes_shareholder

Humdinger1 said:

Well done @efes_shareholder...the cavalry is coming over the hill.  Well, you are the cavalry in fact love Humdinger xx 

thank you - feel better for expressing my thoughts , first thing NM asked me this morning was if i was ok so I think hes taken a bit of time to absorb the affect.

There is a tough love conversation coming ..................

thank you to all the cheerleaders urging me on x

Newstartforme

Well done ES for having the conversation,  as a parent you always put yourself in the other person's shoes don't you but your partner seems to be taking it very well and sounds like he will help his son going forward in new accommodation xx

efes_shareholder

Newstartforme said:

Well done ES for having the conversation,  as a parent you always put yourself in the other person's shoes don't you but your partner seems to be taking it very well and sounds like he will help his son going forward in new accommodation xx

I think its only right we show empathy in any situation and try and see both sides and I could have really gone for the jugular with NM son. How much assistance NM provides is really up to him but he is a bit of an avoidant when it comes to getting things done - I would hope that it is not financial assistance but that is his business. MC is very good at painting himself a victim - he got a very nice inheritance earlier  in the year which would easily provide his 10% deposit for a property within his earning budget HOWEVER  a quarter of this has gone on paying off his historic debts and he hasn't even paid the stonking tax bill off yet so he doesn't even know what he can afford.

Sadly I don't feel he has the responsibility or maturity to ensure the money sets down his foundations , he doesn't want to use it for that as with that comes bills and commitments and he is far too used to someone else picking up the tab.

He is forever chasing pound notes but never has anything to show for it.

Seasidegal58

I think you handled the conversation excellently ES. And it looks like your OH agrees with you - he must have known you weren't happy but sounds like a lot of men and doesn't like dealing with emotionally charged situations - perhaps he was waiting for you to instigate the chat? But don't let it linger on too long when the MC returns before you both have the chat with him!
I hope you're stomach is feeling better. x