taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

payday , it looks like the tax office has given me a further refund , bit weird but not sure its entirely correct.

now feel like its a bonus month but off course it isn't so I do need to allocate the excess somewhere. I think I'll put it in to my savings just in case there is a recall however it looks like my tax code is also back to normal.

1 more day to the holiday ! Yay ! I've just taken some washing upstairs though and seen a pair of trainers that cost around £250 and that triggered me ...............................Last night i read through my diary , back to the times when my mum was ill and I was virtually a live in carer relying on others for freedom whilst my sibling lived her best life.........................................its a similar feeling when you feel like your good nature is being taken the p*** out off 

Newstartforme

You are right ES , and all the while you were holding down a full time job and building a new relationship,  wonder woman that you are xx

efes_shareholder

ok , so only 4 days and the man child will return.

Haven't had the conversation yet , NM and I had words on saturday over something which was on reflection very trivial and petty and nothingness , it did result in a horrible saturday , harmony was restored yesterday but it wasn't the nice weekend I had hoped for and my mindset was off when it came to favourable communication.

The manchild called via video call last night to his dad , he looked off his face quite frankly but I think his dad isn't worldy wise enough to cotton on that its perhaps not the san miguel that was causing it. His dad showed me the screen and I think my face was all the response he needed !! Man child also left a basket of washing - I had absolutely no intention of doing it , however NM put it on and hung it out. I couldn't help myself to comment "oh it must be nice to come back to your washing done , when I came back from holiday all i had was a mess other people had made to clear up!"
He also picked up an empty water bottle the man child had left on floor of his room , I'd already seen it although i think he hoped he hadn't, i asked him very nicely to put it back where it was ..............despite the nickname he is not a child and he can pick up after himself !!!
I need to chill and find my way as at the moment I am just being passive aggressive and its not productive at all.

Its really hard to get myself out of that mindset though - I'm not denying the boy a holiday but the revelation that he took 2.5k out of his inheritance to pay "bills" whilst he was away has not helped. that 2.5k is more then I spend paying and keeping my house all month and just confirms that my reduced rent to get back on your feet and in to your own place is not having that affect at all.

It ends - I will try and calm myself enough to have the conversation with his dad tonight which will ultimately be , by christmas I want my sanctuary and peace back.

The weekends been relatively kind on the purse strings , we didnt have any take outs and steered clear of the shops etc , my stomach has been horrendous the last few days ( could be stress!) so I am going to try and avoid red meat this week and see if that improves anything. We had salmon and leek risotto last night and will have home made sweet and sour chicken tonight - tomorrow will be cod and chorizo stew.

the aim is to get in the gym after work , I wasn't in the mood this weekend however NM spent 5 hours in there on saturday so he is absolutely on a roll.

efes_shareholder

oh my days I need a new rant...........................as i grant myself the power to calm myself and discuss the situation with empathy , i take fresh washing pile in to room and see a delivery note for 2 pairs of designer shoes totalling just shy of 1k

I am absolutely having the urine extracted from me.

Humdinger1

Tell me to mind my own business please @efes_shareholder but I think - as do you from what I'm reading- that a full and frank discussion with NM is needed.  It feels as if he's enabling all this and while wanting to support his son, he's not helping him come to terms with reality.   It's undermining you love Humdinger xx 

efes_shareholder

Humdinger1 said:

Tell me to mind my own business please @efes_shareholder but I think - as do you from what I'm reading- that a full and frank discussion with NM is needed.  It feels as if he's enabling all this and while wanting to support his son, he's not helping him come to terms with reality.   It's undermining you love Humdinger xx 

I think you are correct - I think from his point of view the son has had a rough ride with the ex , can't see his kids etc and is trying to "support" him but its coming at the expense of not giving him a reality check.

The son on the other hand has got comfortable , probably sees no issue as long as he is paying his housekeep and has forgotten the conversation about this being a short term solution - as he isn't being nagged or encouraged to change it he isnt seeing a problem and as th wardrobe request proves he is more then comfortable.

I've calmed down slightly now , I can't really mention the shoes as I was snooping a bit however if my partner tries to tell me that the son can't afford it then I may have to put it out there. 
I think my partner has figured that the good nature is starting to dwindle by my reactions to the sons recent behaviour and although I want to help the son if I don't put an expectation of time scales in place then this time next year we will still be in the same situation.


If this was one of my own children I would be having some very harsh words , but it isn't and I am mindful that I don't want it to come across as an attack but his son is pushing 40 and needs to grow up basically

He likes spending money on himself but doesn't like spending money on the cost of life

Newstartforme

Sadly ES I don't think the son would be in the minority these days . You have been more than reasonable so far , can see why your partner feels sorry for his son re ex and kids but he's had long enough to get on his feet and think of his future , he seems to earn a good wage and just needs a bit of get up and go to sort his life out , hoping all goes well xx 

efes_shareholder

yep - I still need to make sure I deliver my views with an element of kindness and try and contain my frustrations - he is just approaching middle age and has never ever had to take responsibilty , there has always been someone or something ( like the state system) providing the safety net for him to make irreponsible choices.

In other news , the new front door is fitted - the transformation is unreal , the dark long hallway is now flooded with light but it does make me want to redecorate the hallway !!!!

Checked the PB this morning and there is £150 in the wins - I'm quite ok budget wise this month so think I will put it towards tackling the 0% card which is due to run out soon , it wont feel like I am paying with my own money

I need to check the date the 0% runs out , my intention was to pay it all off however looking at my credit report I can get a llyods card on 0% for 20 months so as ever I am tempted to use other peoples money.

Seasidegal58

I must agree with what @Humdinger1 and @Newstartforme have advised. The nitty gritty conversation with your OH needs to take place before the MC returns so that you are both on the same page when the inevitable crunch-time meeting happens. I think you have been wonderfully tolerant so far - but we can read your frustration and unhappiness about the whole situation. It's clearly not doing your mental health any good at all. Does your OH see just how truly unhappy and upset you are as you appear to have held back from saying all you feel?  I understand that your OH feels for his son but he's not a teenager anymore and frankly is not going to change and is obviously happy to carry on living with you and spending most of his cash on leisure. 

If he's so loved up perhaps moving in with the new GF, although she of course may still be living at home!  You mentioned his mother is a possibility as well - though she may well know what he's like and veto him moving back with her!
I do hope you manage to have a fruitful conversation with your OH - don't leave it too long. ❤️

efes_shareholder

Seasidegal58 said:

I must agree with what @Humdinger1 and @Newstartforme have advised. The nitty gritty conversation with your OH needs to take place before the MC returns so that you are both on the same page when the inevitable crunch-time meeting happens. I think you have been wonderfully tolerant so far - but we can read your frustration and unhappiness about the whole situation. It's clearly not doing your mental health any good at all. Does your OH see just how truly unhappy and upset you are as you appear to have held back from saying all you feel?  I understand that your OH feels for his son but he's not a teenager anymore and frankly is not going to change and is obviously happy to carry on living with you and spending most of his cash on leisure. 

If he's so loved up perhaps moving in with the new GF, although she of course may still be living at home!  You mentioned his mother is a possibility as well - though she may well know what he's like and veto him moving back with her!
I do hope you manage to have a fruitful conversation with your OH - don't leave it too long. ❤️

thank you , all input is valuable - think i just like to know I'm not being an ogre or a horrid step mother

I plan to have the conversation tonight , I think he will be half expecting the conversation , half hoping that MC will suddenly step up and I understand he may feel sad about it but I don't expect him to try and convince me to hang in for change any longer than I am happy too.

I do know that the MC will have a pity party about how tough his life is .......................I may believe this if he hadn't bought 2 pairs of footwear that would have paid a months rent.

I really do not think he is going to change and has no intention of going anywhere as life is very comfortable.

I have thoroughly enjoyed not having him around and feel like a dark cloud has been lifted , even though I am slightly anxious about the conversation with his NM

I doubt the new GF is a viable option , I am half expecting her to dump him when the lifestyle dries up - she lives a good two hours away and I believe has her own business but still lives with her parents ( birds of a feather flock together) Also not sure if he can also navigate the relationship should his contact with his kids be restored as his weekends will no longer be his own.