taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

I need to rent ,.......................the patience is tettering on the brink , not sure if its me and my menopausal moods mean I just want to complain about everything.

really started last thurs when the discussion of mediation and access to the kids was bought up ................man child says I'll have them every weekend if she wants me too , even though I don't have my own place...............I'll take them to my mums or cousins if they cant come here one week if need be but I'll make it work. Personally I feel this should be a request and although this is purely my view I don't think it is fair to project yourself on to other people. I did say to him it could be an incentive to sort yourself out and he didn't say very much. I then stopped and thought to myself , why would I need to sort myself out when for a minimal amount I can just stay here and expect other people to carry on helping me. 

the tax return which will advise him of what options are available regarding a mortgage or rent affordability still remain outstanding 5 months on , If I can see someone helping themselves then I'm more inclined to help.

I'm starting to feel like I am being taken advantage off  , there really is the bare min offered in return. We had errands to run on sunday and NM asked him to help , he said he had a favour to do for someone else but then proceeded to lay in his bed all day until he was hungry realised I wasn't cooking so ordered an uber eats, this wound me up.
it winds me up that I am continually having to rinse the tub through after he has showered , wipe down toilet seats , rinse the sink through etc etc and that he resides here but doesn't feel that he needs to contribute.

I cooked dinner yesterday and purposely didnt wash up as I went along as it was long over due his turn to wash up and I thought I'd .............I went to have a bath and came down to find said pans still on side with NM telling me he had told him to just load the dishwasher and he would wash up..................loading the dishwasher entailed putting 3 plates in the machine - BIG DEAL !!  I am not sure how he is ever going to grow up and contribute if a minimal expectation is put on him.

Anyway I kept my silence but I think my face spoke and when alone NM asked me if I was ok , I said I didnt really want to talk about it but as it was prodded everything came out the wrong way.so now there is a terrible atmosphere in the house.

I'm pretty sure he knew what was triggering me as man child came in from work and asked if i needed anything doing................( 2nd time this has occured in 5 months) , this is only because I know he called him and suggested it and to be fair there is nothing that needs doing at 4pm !!

Anyway I'll stop ranting as this isnt what the diary is about.

I've bitten the bullet and increased the mortgage overpayment so this is now an overpayment of £130 a month, I believe if this is consistent then it should take around 3 years off the term of the mortgage. 

I'm dreading the water bill as our wastage part is now thames water and they have had ridiculous hikes , kind of regret paying this bill twice yearly now so will potentially put it to direct debit.

defrosted the freezer at the weekend so now I need to restock it - ideally I'd like to do this in costco meat section but its always so busy that its hard to find a "quiet" time to go

honeybee1234

Hi @efes_shareholder

Is it a case of he's been told what's expected of him and he's not pulling his weight, or is it more that you're (rightly so) expecting him to use common sense to know what he ought to be doing, but he's just not?

I'm reading it as the latter? If so, it sounds like because it's not been addressed explicitly, he's thinking it's all good and he's pretty much being looked after like a child. I understand completely why it'd annoy you. Especially if you're subsidising him. Have you and NM agreed about what's expected of him and who deals with any issues? 

lucielle

Personally I’d be needing to have the ‘where do you see yourself in 3-6 months’ and put an end date to his occupation.  

L

efes_shareholder

lucielle said:

Personally I’d be needing to have the ‘where do you see yourself in 3-6 months’ and put an end date to his occupation.  

L

I think this is the next step - I' ve had the this is short term and you need to get your ducks in a row chat as everything rests on sorting your tax out but here we are no further on then we were when he arrived , its frustrating but i do think its his dad that should be motivating him. If however having his own space for himself and his children isnt enough of a motivation I'm not sure what will be

efes_shareholder

honeybee1234 said:

Hi @efes_shareholder

Is it a case of he's been told what's expected of him and he's not pulling his weight, or is it more that you're (rightly so) expecting him to use common sense to know what he ought to be doing, but he's just not?

I'm reading it as the latter? If so, it sounds like because it's not been addressed explicitly, he's thinking it's all good and he's pretty much being looked after like a child. I understand completely why it'd annoy you. Especially if you're subsidising him. Have you and NM agreed about what's expected of him and who deals with any issues? 

he has been told he needs to clean up after himself , However if he uses stuff that needs washing up , he only washes this up regardless of what else is there and needs doing , even if its just a knife ! , He had to be told to put the bed clothes back on his bed after 4 days of sleeping on a bare mattress , his room ( his space) has not been hoovered in 5 months other then the two occassions myself and his dad have done it - I'm not sure I should have to tell a grown man in his mid 30's that these are things you just do in someone elses house.
I've told him if he brings his washing down daily it will be done with ours , if he doesn't hes on his own yet he still piles it up behind the bedroom door until he runs out of clothes

it doesn't help that when he does go to do something , his dad short cuts it and makes it even easier and trying to get a "favour" out of him is not often successful.

I feel like he is being given quite a bit but gives very little - I don't know if its the upbringing but he is not my child and i am not a housekeeper!!! 

efes_shareholder

feeling slightly better today. 

i dont always vocalise myself the right way and I am aware of that - in my defence I was getting my head round what was bothering me excatly when NM pushed me to express it and unfortunately it probably wasn't expressed in the right way.

I realise how unforgiving I can be with the house , I think mentally the memory of my mums lack of care to the house has made me very aware of how things can get and I wont allow anything to slip. Maybe I need too in order for others to step up , for example , there was an empty toilet roll waiting to be disposed of in the ground floor WC and the other roll nearly finished , usually I would put this in the bin and restock however I purposely didnt as everyone needs toilet roll right ?????? this morning when I woke up man child had gone to work but the empty rolls were gone and a new one in place...........................see how much its the smallest things that can make a difference and it has cheered me up ( ridiculous I know)

Anyway back to money , the supermarket shops are just escalating.................I don't think I can trim on that , we don't have much waste , I cook from fresh and if I have something that needs using I find a receipe I can make that will get it used up. I am going to costco to bulk buy some meat as the freezer has been defrosted but i only have a 3 tray freezer so can't buy loads and with 2 grown men it won't take long to deplete anyway. 

I refuse to go down the line of eating more pasta and cheap noodles etc , I am very much an avoidant of processed food if we can.

I won't be cooking today as I cooked chicken TIkka for 3 yesterday and only one of us ate it so there are containers in the fridge , I will have something whilst out at costco and man child can have yesterdays dinner. 

I've cleaned all of the internal windows this morning and hoovered up all the window sills etc , I was naughty and bought a shark hand held hoover  that I have had my eye on and its a complete game changer , so easy and great for the little jobs

Newstartforme

Aw ES , sad to read how things have been for you but so glad you are feeling a bit better . I am exactly like you,  I feel I have to be on top of things or everything will come tumbling down , it's easy to say leave things for others to do but also not good to actually sit there and wait til they decide to take action  . Do you think your partner is stepping in to do chores so that son doesn't have to ? That's not good as he really will have to manage on his own at some point . Hope things get a little better soon for you , I also use Costco for meat to try go help with food budget but yesterday for mince , stew and chicken I was nearly 100 pounds for the 3 trays so not sure whether to continue , best wishes xx

efes_shareholder

Newstartforme said:

Aw ES , sad to read how things have been for you but so glad you are feeling a bit better . I am exactly like you,  I feel I have to be on top of things or everything will come tumbling down , it's easy to say leave things for others to do but also not good to actually sit there and wait til they decide to take action  . Do you think your partner is stepping in to do chores so that son doesn't have to ? That's not good as he really will have to manage on his own at some point . Hope things get a little better soon for you , I also use Costco for meat to try go help with food budget but yesterday for mince , stew and chicken I was nearly 100 pounds for the 3 trays so not sure whether to continue , best wishes xx

thank you for your post, I'm not sure on why my partner steps in and does it , I think potentially to retain harmony but he is also enabling the laziness and the lack of care. My point is that he is an adult and should be contributing , he is not a child and doesnt actually get asked to do very much at all.................he came home from work just now very proud of himself for hoovering his bedroom when asked last night but come on...........you shouldn't need to be asked. I do know that when he does eventually relocate himself he is in for a shock!!

I went to costco last night and spent £86 pounds on not alot so I'm not sure if its false economy , a tray of mince , a tray of chicken breast , two cases of bottled water , some aloe vera drinks , a tub of ginger , a tub of oregano , some jamacian patties , a block of cheese and I think that was it !!! the oregano was definately a saving as it was £2.29 for a big big pot and I spend £1-2 a week on the titchy ones and get through quite a lot of it.

my next stop is our local world food centre , I get through lots of onions ( roughly 6-7 a week) which cost me about £2.20 where as I can buy a whole net bag for a fiver there and hopefully use them all before they turn 

efes_shareholder

have taken my foot of the gas a bit today , WFH and nothing is pressing and its quiet so I've had a bit of a TV day................in the office tomorrow so hopefully plenty to do so the day passes quick.

Have cooked a chinese beef in the slow cooker and a shepherds pie has been done which will just need to go ing the oven to cook through when I get home from work tomorrow.

It is payday so all the bills are paid , account is looking relatively healthy so hopefully a good month. I did get a bonus but I cant access my wage slip to see how much extra tax I have paid.

I did submit a tax return yesterday but im not entirely sure that i got it right so time will tell