taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

well its fair to say that this month I feel poor !!! the tax man took a huge chunk so I am living a very frugile life in an attempt to try and keep the tax money that is coming back to me for another purpose. I still overpaid the mortgage and settled the every day credit card ( with some decorating/furniture purchases on it ) in full 

I have had to move £300 from my savings back in to my bank account to cover essentials , fortunately a £300 bond win this month so that should see me through as I also have a weekend away and my daughter and grandsons birthday to take care off too so it certainly will be costs down and basic month.

NM son has not ended up staying with us and has stayed with his friend - mixed on that one , I don't feel that its the best place for him but at the same time I dont want him with us for a prolonged period so it may be for the best - he is coming for dinner tomorrow as things have got very messy very quickly and the crazy ex wants to be anything other then amicable and has intstructed the CSM without any discussion regarding child support.  he has since admitted to us that he has always doubted the youngest child is his , lots of reasons why and more that have come out with the break up. Not sure how he has done it but he has a DNA result tomorrow so probably best he is due for dinner. 

efes_shareholder

so to update we are now a household of three as NM son changed his mind and came to us on Friday night

Hes very down and not in a great place mentally so I think it is for the best however it is weird having him with us as we are so used to an empty nest. He isn't any trouble and is tidy etc. As it stands we are feeding him and I am reluctant to ask for any contribution as his finances are a bit of  mess and he needs to straighten that out , I'm also not sure how much if anything i should ask as the idea is he gets himself a roof over his head etc so if we can help that happen sooner then better for everyone all round. I also dont want to ask but would expect my own kids to offer. 
Am going to see how it pans out and make a note of how much it is costing us to have him here - he is out at work all day so its only a shower , some washing and a dinner at the end of the day but feeding two 6ft tall men is not as cheap as feeding one !! Am thinking of just asking him to buy a weeks shop here and there which should help him get back on his feet and mean we arent out of pocket.

Money wise my finances are delicate this month and I am trying my best to be smart and utilise what I have in the cupboards etc. We had NM daughters over for dinner on sunday but he bought everything for that so didnt come out of housekeeping. This weekend we have my daughters birthday meal which shouldnt be too terrible and next weekend we are away at an event that NM is working at so I will have to be smart over that. 

Have been very good with the gym lately , made it in Sat , Sun and an AM and PM session yesterday - I am starting to feel like I may have turned the corner with dropping some weight but dont yet want to weigh in case I burst that bubble. I have excepted that this may be a longer journey than I would like

My stomach scanned showed an enlarged liver so I do have to have some blood tests to check its functioning - I dont think this is the cause of my pains though as I have had several function tests over the last year and all were within guidelines

efes_shareholder

what a difference a bit of sunshine makes

Am having a nightmare with HRMC over the personal savings cap for year 2023-2024 , I owe them tax which is fine and for the past two salaries it has come out of my salary to the tune of an additional 1.5k , yesterday I had a email message from them to say they are going to take 150 a month or I can pay it all at once so I had to phone them to basically let them know I am already paying it !! I would rather pay the lump sump and get it gone but I can only do that when I know they have taken my payment already in to account ...................jesus why dont they get things right !!!!!

March is going along ok , Im WFH for all but 4 days a month now which really helps me keep on things at home which also helps my mental wellbeing. Just aswell as with an extra man in the bathroom it needs cleaning more often to be how I like it to be, 

NM is a bit drained with his son's presence but only because he is going over and over the failed relationship and speculating on a lot of things that he has no evidence off , he has no doubt been around a manipulative person for quite some time and that will take some healing and processing. I think men expect men to just pick themselves up and move on where as women realise that the emotional upset and trauma takes some recovering from. The good news is his suspicions regarding the paternity of one of the GS's is unfounded and he is the parent , he was so sure he wasnt that he is now questioning what else he could have got wrong. Anyhow he needs to move on and he needs to focus on his own future so everytime he steps back I am reminding him that what we feed our mind is as important as what we feed our body.

I haven't needed to ask him for any household contributions , he asked NM how much he should contribute and he told him to talk to me , he didnt and the first week he gave me £60 which I was happy with and then yesterday he gave me another £100. he is getting fed well and our shopping bills have gone up ( i also got some bits in for him and the kids at the weekend as we are away) but he wont cost that much so I can't complain. I will though if he keeps forgetting to turn the lights off when he leaves a room.

NM and I will be away at a security event this weekend so I will end up spending more then I intend too at the bar but I hope not too and I dont want a messy weeekend.

efes_shareholder

its another month sailing close to the wind for the finances as once again im very much down on my salary until I do the housekeeping required.

Thankfully there is my EF but I do need to get in to gear and sort out my finer details.

Budgets seem a little overwhelmed at the moment - NM son has been contributing somewhat sporadically and although he doesnt cost a fortune he does cost as feeding 2 grown men is slightly different to feeding one. I haven't had a contribution for 2 weeks. I know he is financially irresponsible although he will blame the ex for this and is now feeling the effect of the days he decided not to go to work however I will give it a few more days and then I will have to ask him when he intends to help again. I wouldn't give my own children a "free" ride and although i realise he needs to get back in to some kind of positive he earns more then NM and I put together so "free" is not an option. The CSM have hit him with quite a large payment expected and he has been saying he can't afford it , however I took 10 minutes to go over his obligations ie insurance etc and he most certainly can afford it if he just gets his self employed wages in to some kind of order. Both he and NM are very quick to blame his ex partner for the fact he has very little to show for the last 10 years of his working life however there is no getting away from the fact that he is very much a contributing factor in the whole mess.

I will have a frugile month , I have an evening out on the 12th but will try and keep costs down , easter I am babysitting but will try and spend as much time at home as possible , we also have a party to attend and then are away the bank holiday weekend and on holiday the week after so there is the possibility of a very "spendy" period approaching.
Car insurance is also due in May - I have the money for these I just hate seeing it go from the savings I have put aside even though the savings exist for this very reason 

In other news NM has approached the ex wife for a divorce , its only taken 15 years - a little disapointing that it was his daughters nagging him that prompted this and not my own request but hey ho !!!!!!!

Newstartforme

Hi ES , just want to say I've absolutely loved reading your diary , totally agree with everything you've said today especially with grocery costs going up so much it soon adds up , very annoying that you may have to be the one to bring it up though . Enjoy all your events you have coming up 

efes_shareholder

Newstartforme said:

Hi ES , just want to say I've absolutely loved reading your diary , totally agree with everything you've said today especially with grocery costs going up so much it soon adds up , very annoying that you may have to be the one to bring it up though . Enjoy all your events you have coming up 

thank you and welcome x 

efes_shareholder

well this weekend hasn't gone well - I've got myself upset and had to have several words with myself to make sure I am not being "petty"

Went to the funeral on Friday and drank too much wine but the deceased would have approved , arrived back very hungry and ended up ordering in for me , NM son and NM - I could have asked him for a contribution BUT its not really my way and I had had a drink. He thanked me for the food and then went to bed so think its fair to say it was seen as a gift - either way it doesn't really matter. 

I was worse for wear on saturday morning and took a few hours to get myself up and going by which time he been to collect his children and bought them back - I noticed straight away that there were overnight bags in the hallway however since the kids staying over has never been discussed or requested I didn't over think it. NM and I went out to the football which was just aswell as the front room was taken over by the 3 of them ( he had been shopping and bought snacks and treats and pizza so was obviously planning a boys night in) , TV was taken over by video games and noise levels very much raised , this seems to be the pattern most Saturdays.

NM and I had a lovely day @ football , went to play virtual darts and then NM treat me to curry on the way home , we had a lovely day and was looking forward to getting home and relaxing.

We walked in to the house about 9.30pm and there is some kids film on the TV and they are all asleep and sprawled out all over the place - I thought my house had turned in to a squat !!!! I went outside , had a glass of wine and went upstairs as that was all i could do. NM wasn't happy either - Now I am really upset that NM son did not feel to ask and just expected it to be ok. I feel very upset over it and like my good nature is being abused , I don't want a house full of energetic boys every weekend , I don't expect to be clearing up after them and I expect to be asked if its ok as god forbid I may actually have some plans in my own house at the weekends. I have had an apology but I'll be honest I couldnt look at him - I just feel really disrespected. I could have had my own guests for the weekend or my own children planning on staying and he has just "assumed" that its ok - I've been assured that it won't happen again but it has happened in the past so I won't rest on my laurels with that.  Unfortunately its got me in a negative thought with him , he doesn't contribute regularly and I don't think I've seen him so much as wash a spoon up let alone volunteer to cut the lawn which I did ask for a volunteer for during the week , neither he nor his dad stuck their hand up but son did just sit there and let his dad do it. His dad also cleared up the kiddie debris despite me telling him to leave it and let his son do it !!!! 
Writing it down I feel like I have allowed myself to get more upset over it then it warrants , NM's attitude is that his son wasn't thinking , has apologised and that it won't happen again - but it has happened before and I am sorry but despite the apology I am STILL upset over the lack of consideration for anyone else.

Am I being unreasonable , I feel as though I could be but then I don't think a bit of common courtesy is a lot to ask in the circumstances.

Humdinger1

@efes_shareholder you are not being unreasonable! From the outside,  it looks as if he is in stroppy teenager mode.  He doesn't make any contribution...understandable that his dad defends him but a swift reckoning with reality is overdue here.  Please tell me to mind my own business,  but I'm also concerned that all this ex-blaming  is basically misogyny.  Are you feeling uncomfortable in your own home? If so, this needs to be fixed pronto! Love Humdinger xx 

efes_shareholder

Humdinger1 said:

@efes_shareholder you are not being unreasonable! From the outside,  it looks as if he is in stroppy teenager mode.  He doesn't make any contribution...understandable that his dad defends him but a swift reckoning with reality is overdue here.  Please tell me to mind my own business,  but I'm also concerned that all this ex-blaming  is basically misogyny.  Are you feeling uncomfortable in your own home? If so, this needs to be fixed pronto! Love Humdinger xx 

I'm not feeling uncomfortable but I am feeling that my good nature is being taken for granted .............I know I can be a bit triggered these days by alot of things but this has really pushed my buttons

Yes there has been a humble apology but that doesnt stop me feeling how I do about the situation.

He did make some contributions early on - not huge amounts and I don't want huge amounts as I want him to be in a position to set himself up - I don't want to make money out of him , ultimately he is family but at the same time it shouldnt be costing me money to have him in my home and provide a space for him to spend his allocated time with his children. He asked his dad how much he should give me and his dad said to talk to me however he hasn't and in the first weeks "bunged" me a few quid - I intended to ask him about that arrangement next time he did so however its been 3 weeks since he put his hand in his pocket and I am slightly concerned that he thinks throwing a few bananas in the fruit bowl and popping some bacon in the fridge is an acceptable contribution 

There is alot of ex blaming , to be fair she has manipulated and exploited him , he really must have been wearing blinkers but she also never came off benefits during the relationship ( a bug bearer of mine) so neither of them have had the reality of the cost of "life" as the state has been exploited and provided back up. 

I was shocked to hear he is paying £200 a month to insure his car ( which is his 2nd vehicle as he has a van for work) yet thinks £670 is a lot of money for the CMS to be asking for his children !!!!!

He doesn't strike me as a misogynist but then again NM has always classed him as generous and I don't see that either - except when the kids are over and he is wasting money is on plastic tac.

I think ultimately he still has a lot of growing up to do and has become used to having ALOT of disposable income due to the ex's benefit fraud , now there is a wake up call and he has to take full responsibility the cost of life he is a bit dumbstruck. he asked how much my mortgage was and seemed shocked when I told him , I have a LTV of 29% so its pretty low for being in the south - he is in for a rude awakening and is just convincing himself he can't afford things rather then taking full accountability for his lack of responsible spending 

Anyway Rant over - NM isnt excusing him as such , he wasn't happy with him over the weekend and spoke to him about it but seems to think that an apology means I will stop being upset over it

efes_shareholder

As a comparision I have renewed my car insurance today , the quote from swinton was £420 but I managed to get a cost of £280 with Aviva with lower excess ...........................thats 6 weeks insurance for the step son