taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

Humdinger1

@efes_shareholder I would be upset too! These women are being just plain rude; he should have your back in any case but especially in light of your recent huge bereavement.   I know it's painful now but better out on the table than festering.   Keep going you're fab love Humdinger xx 

efes_shareholder

Humdinger1 said:

@efes_shareholder I would be upset too! These women are being just plain rude; he should have your back in any case but especially in light of your recent huge bereavement.   I know it's painful now but better out on the table than festering.   Keep going you're fab love Humdinger xx 

Its out but its festering , he came in from work last night and didn't mention it , typical man really , dont mention it and hope it just goes away. Sometimes it does , but it won't. I feel very strongly that he should not be comfortable with their behaviour towards me , should distance himself from their friendship ( doesn't have to end friendships , just don't invest in it with contact) and should be honest about the contact rather then trying to minimise it , huge flag waving that none of these conversations ever take place in my presence , for which there could again be a reason other then knowing I don't like them. Difficulty is I shouldnt know about them but I do because and pryed , also difficult that one caused similar problems 2 years ago and hes not taken that on board at all IMO

I didnt sleep well again last night , I tossed and turned until past 3am and had to be up at 7am. I just feel lonely. Not a great place to be.

Sister called me to tell me my aunt is going downhill fast , not the best news and although I want to support my cousins , I don't feel able too in any great capacity.

Back in the office and work is unusually quiet , whilst this is great when I am at home , its not so fantastic when I have to try and fill time , I sit here very grumpy thinking of all the odds and sods I could be getting done. It also cost more as I am never organised enough to bring food in from home - will need to get that under control as £5-6 a day is £30 a week , which is very quickly nearly three figures.

efes_shareholder

Transferred all of my deposit , now sitting and wait
offer on mums house , 40k below the asking price - its a straight out no with the message that it needs to increase by @ least 15k to be considered,
Offer is based on the last house to sell on the street  , they dont come up often.

Cannot climb out of this mood I am in , I know my anxiety is through the roof and I know I am close to tears constantly and I am fully aware that I must be difficult to be around but I cannot drag myself out of it , Usually I can , this time I can't.

I feel lonely but I don't want to be around people. NM has always been very pro talking about problems but his reaction to my upset tells me different and not just this week but very much lately I feel like when I try to tell him anything he is zoning out and not paying attention.
I'm really not sure I can get past his friendships or his reactions.

Im in the office but my boss is working from home and I feel like rubbish , I have a headache , a head cold and generally feel run down. I want to go home in my lunch , take a covid test just to be on the safe side and then just work there. No one will notice although I probably should tell someone my plan.

There is very little work to do which is never a good thing 

Seasidegal58

I'm so sorry you're feeling down. You don't sound too well so I think your plan of going home is the right one. Perhaps take some time to relax when you get home and forget about work for the day!

efes_shareholder

ive come home , i may get in trouble but i shouldnt as im carrying on working

its very very quite , another reason for my anxiety to gain legs.............

I'm annoying myself now  

lucielle

Is it time to go and see the doc and discuss your anxiety and mood?  Are there any friends who you can off load to?  Hope you have a good weekend.
L

efes_shareholder

lucielle said:

Is it time to go and see the doc and discuss your anxiety and mood?  Are there any friends who you can off load to?  Hope you have a good weekend.
L

I’ve been on HRT a few weeks , very yo-yo affect. 

I don’t feel there’s anyone I can offload too , my friendship circle is terrible for gossiping so I’d rather not , I haven’t heard from the person I consider my best mate since my operation and think we are now locked head over contact , she’s always the same when she gets a new love interest.

efes_shareholder

So today I’ve transferred all of my money to the solicitor, my account looks sad , I feel anxious for the future but know it’s what I want and what I need to do.
waiting to exchange and hopefully complete by Wednesday, time will tell

2 more viewings at mums tomorrow , no more word from the chancer offer.
he’s had his agreement in principle since June so I’m thinking he’s a chancer who goes round chucking in low offers hoping to get a bite.
even at what we will accept mums is. Bargain , I can’t lose sight of that and need to just be patient for the right person.

I still feel tense at home , NM has done much more around the flat this week , arranged for us to have dinner with friends tomorrow ( how very safe ) but there’s an elephant in the room and if I don’t address it , it’s not going to be a positive time for us.
it doesn’t help that he comes in from work and falls asleep in front of the Tv , I get he’s relaxed but it heightens my loneliness and I start stalking his social media ( not healthy) 

one of his rude friends constantly likes his posts unless it involves me , notice a pattern there !! Hmmm not sure that’s a positive. Am not concerned that there is anything that should really alarm me from his direction but finding this triggers me.
he mentioned 2 weekenders that he’s working at and is expecting me to go with him , I’m pretty sure his cheer leaders will be in attendance so I’m not going if they are.
I don’t think he’s taken this statement from me seriously but he needs too.

we go on holiday in less then a week , perhaps we can actually get the opportunity to talk about things there.

tomorrow I need to put some fuel in the car and go and visit my auntie , I’m really not feeling it , I don’t want to be confronted with this cancer again so soon after mum but I mentioned to my cousin I might , she said my aunt is losing her mobility , not sleeping and not recognising people , all signs mum had in the last few weeks
ill be on holiday next week and then I’ll be needing to move things and get us settled in the new house so not sure there will be any more time available so I need to go.
my cousins are already exhausted after 2 weeks of care and they made the effort with mum so if my visit gives a little bit of a change to their day and offers support then that will be enough. I’d rather not go when things are really bad , Nm is working but did offer to take me when he finishes work on Sunday but it’s 2 hours each way so I’d rather go and get it done tomorrow 

efes_shareholder

so im back from my holiday and everythings happening 

the house exchanged whilst I am away and I collect the keys on Wednesday. The sofa has been put on 4 years 0% I have the money for it but right now I feel I need the security of the safety net and as I will have NM's help with my expenses I feel better to chip away at it until such time I have the money from mums estate. Also did the same with my new bed. 

The new chancellor did me a favour and has saved me £2500 in stamp duty , that is a big plus and I'm very happy with that but having seen the first couple of mortgage payments ( one part one full ) going out very close together its kind of given me a little breathing space so I can not panic in the first month or so and then readjust everything to a level I am happy with. Its going to be an expensive time and I want to retain as much in savings as possible. Using finance goes against everything I have taught myself over the last few years however I do feel I am much better placed to now use the facility responsibly and to my advantage. I have the money to clear the finance whenever I want too and will not be spending it on anything else. I will most likely leave the return in stamp duty in my account until things have all fallen in to place and all of the payments have become regular etc.

There is so much to do I'm tired thinking about it but I've managed to agree my fleet manager lends me a small van so this will help alot.

the biggest news is we finally have an agreeable offer on mums house , couple with 2 children currently renting but keen to get things moving - fingers crossed everything goes ahead with no hitches. We had another lady very interested but she had sold to a family friend and the background looked possibly shaky so I trust the agent to be able to pick out who is proceedable and who isn't. 
As much as getting the final stuff out feels like a pain , I just want to get it gone now and get myself adjusted and sorted out.

I went to visit my auntie , not a nice trip , 2 and a half hours each way and such a reminder of how mum went , shes behaving and saying similar things. My sister was going to visit whilst I was away but my cousin advised her that she was barely awake and already had the drugs on drips and as she went to see her just before she was moved shes decided its best she doesn't. 
There are so many reminders and its quite distressing , you have to think of those left behind too. 

lucielle

Pleased to hear you've exchanged and things are progressing.  Sorry to hear about your auntie.
L