taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

plodding along

Not in a good place today , drank too much last night and got cross over things.
we have had a chat , he wants to move on and put it behind us - he wants to swerve conversations about it , I can't heal that way as it comes across that he doesn't care.
I wish I didn't care. 
I don't want this situation , I want to be blissfully ignorant and feel no different. Weighing up what I want , I dont want to feel like this , I don't want to be without him but I also dont want to have to process and go through the making it better.
I want things how they were and I can't have that !!!!

Money is all ok , I've got a healthy balance left at the end of the month and payday tomorrow. WIll squirrel the excess funds in to my account and start again on a new pay day .
Things I feel will be tighter as I am having my hair done this week and we are away at an event NM is working.

I dont even want to go to the event.

enthusiasticsaver

Sorry things are tough at the moment and hope you work your way through this and whatever you decide you eventually get some peace.  Good that you do not have to worry about money though. It is difficult moving forward when people don't own the damage they have caused though.  

fantasyvsreality

@efes_shareholder take it from someone who knows, if you don't talk it through and understand why what happened, happened then it will fester. We all make mistakes but understanding from him why he did what he did, and working out what will prevent it happening again, I believe, is the way forward. I suspect it would be very helpful for you to hear what was going on in his head. Difficult conversations need to happen in a relationship in order for you to move on. Really sorry to hear you are dealing all this, it's not fair. 

efes_shareholder

fantasyvsreality said:

@efes_shareholder take it from someone who knows, if you don't talk it through and understand why what happened, happened then it will fester. We all make mistakes but understanding from him why he did what he did, and working out what will prevent it happening again, I believe, is the way forward. I suspect it would be very helpful for you to hear what was going on in his head. Difficult conversations need to happen in a relationship in order for you to move on. Really sorry to hear you are dealing all this, it's not fair. 

great advise thank you , we had a chat last night and i've told him that even though we have spoken about it , shutting me down or going silent when things are bothering me really isn't going to help and he has to open up and be honest when I ask something of him otherwise its never going to work.
Said at times I feel like I am living with a stranger.

We both want to move on but its not going to happen overnight and we have to go through the process.

I didnt sleep too well last night , a combination of an evening nap and just being over tired I think so today ive got a headache and my eyes are blurry. A reminder that I need to book the eye test I've been putting off so I've done that - these things really don't help my health anxiety , I think I may need to see a doctor over it.

Made it to payday with £400 "spare" unaccounted for money , have moved that in to my savings and am eagerly waiting on the PB draw tomorrow , please let it be me !! 

Buffythedebtslayer

I think this probably explains why I am single and have been for a decade now, the almost guy I half dated before and during covid texted me a month ago, he had been thinking about me and wanted to make sure I was doing well, I didn't answer, it almost killed me not to answer. He lied to me, to me he cheated on me. The version of him I thought I knew didn't exist. I never work on stuff with men. Not ever. Not even when I was the happiest I can ever remember being with a guy, when it went tits up it ended. I was devastated but still too stubborn to try anything. 

I really admire people who are prepared to be vulnerable and risk their hearts, one of my best friends did it and has a lovely family now, she loves her life. I just wanted to say good luck for the fixing of things and I admire you XXXXX 

efes_shareholder

Buffythedebtslayer said:

I think this probably explains why I am single and have been for a decade now, the almost guy I half dated before and during covid texted me a month ago, he had been thinking about me and wanted to make sure I was doing well, I didn't answer, it almost killed me not to answer. He lied to me, to me he cheated on me. The version of him I thought I knew didn't exist. I never work on stuff with men. Not ever. Not even when I was the happiest I can ever remember being with a guy, when it went tits up it ended. I was devastated but still too stubborn to try anything. 

I really admire people who are prepared to be vulnerable and risk their hearts, one of my best friends did it and has a lovely family now, she loves her life. I just wanted to say good luck for the fixing of things and I admire you XXXXX 

thank you Buffy , Men are just flawed - majority lack the intregity of women. I think I've experienced every bad part of being involved you can think off and as for cheating , well I could write a book on that , I've earned the nickname 007 from my friends with my ability to capture even the greatest liar.

I'd given up with men when I met NM , I really couldn't be bothered with any more disapointment , I had no desire to spend my time getting to know someone and letting them in only to find out they were never what they were truly putting forward but then isnt that all of us.
We all want to present our best side , we dont want to be raw and honest about the uglier side of ourselves , we dont want to admit our failures and we keep a side of ourselves to ourselves , well I do anyway.

Off course not every man is flawed but I seem to be attracted to those that are , safe to me is also dull !!!!

efes_shareholder

so its been a few weeks since I posted 

Things are improving on the home front , lots of soul searching , lots of raw honesty , lots of tears , lots of triggers but we are rising from the flames. Things will take time but every day is an improvement and everything I have asked for going forward is being met without protest

Time will tell. 

I've been getting back in the gym which has improved both how I view myself physically and also my mental well being , its been a challenge to get back in to the routine but just as I was starting to take up the gauntlett , the pesky virus invaded my life once again. 

I put my aches and pains down to the gym , dont know why I tested but something told me too and ping there were the dreaded two lines , NM at the time was neg but I thought only a matter of time as we had been physically close the night before I tested . He seemed to think as he relies on his immune system it wouldnt get him so after a neg test I sent him off to work the weekend and low and behold as my line now starts to fade it appeared he may have got away with it.
Alas yesterday he returned from work feeling a bit out of sorts and those two red lines were staring him in the face.

It messes our BH up a bit , we intended to see all of the kids and had friends coming to help decorate so that now needs to be postponed but hey ho !

Moneywise , things feel balanced. NM sent me 2 months keep this month so I have double paid the council tax , I'm hoping if I can pay it in 5 months rather then the 10 months to have a good clear run at it.

The 0% card used to finance purchases for the house is coming down nicely but we seem to always be needing something for the house. 

This month I've needed to replace the extractor fan in the ensuite , buy paint and materials for postponed decorating and also purchased garden furniture , had identified a set I liked and then homebase did a 20% off event and my sister had a further 10% off with blue light so I saved 30% on a set I was already intending to purchase. Hopefully spring is on the horizon so there didnt seem much point not making the buy. I also bought a bbq. this was paid for out of wages that I have set aside in to an "overflow" pot. 
Need to get NM so to carry out a repair to the garden bar roof as a recent windstorm ripped half of it off
Need to also ask him to put my washing line up for me.
I then intend to purchase some garden rugs to take my eyes away from the fact that the decking could do with painting and a few pot plants etc to brighten the space up.
oh I also bought a small flymo in the recent amazon event 

so along with trying to find a outfit for my daughters wedding ( karen millen dress decided £150) its been quite a spendy month but hopefully things that will bring enjoyment our way. With this current cost of living thing going on , staying at home appears to be the way to go.

I've been doing our weekly shops @ sainsbobs and to be fair extracting the urine out of their £15 off £60 first shop to keep our bill to around the £45 mark. The prices increases have been ridiculous so its whatever helps in this situation. If I don't quite have £60 required ( and lets face it £60 isnt a lot of groceries at the moment ) I'm buying staple things like toilet roll and olive oil or extra packs of meat and freezing them 

Had a lovely win of £500 on the PB this month , that is my biggest win to date and takes this years grand total to £675 in prizes.

Humdinger1

Lovely to read your update @efes_shareholder; it's going well.   Sorry to hear about the covid...it does seem to be rearing its ugly head again.  Hope you soon feel better.  Onwards and upwards love Humdinger xx 

Verbatim

Glad things seem to be on an upward path for you.

efes_shareholder

having a down day today , make me wonder whether its menopause ( i stopped my HRT as i felt very little difference) or whether potentially I have a little bit of depression going on ....................have to ride it out and see where it goes I guess.

Last few weeks have been very spendy , car insurance has increased by £120 but still cheaper then any comparison sites , new roof needed on the garden bar but now nice and secure and should last years , wedding outfit confirmed but still need to do shoes and bag 

it just seems like an endless pay out at the moment.

this weekend is my daughters hen , ive paid already so just transport to cover and then i have two weekends away , one is a combo of work and fun and the other is just fun with the girls , I think I need this.
NM is very busy at work and WFH for a few hours before his shift starts , I've felt a little invisible as he is so tired when he gets home he literally just crashes out.


Need to pay out again this evening but hoping it helps my mood improve and makes me feel better.

have been back to the gym now we are covid free but need to try and make it a habit again