taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

Humdinger1

Hope you're well @efes_shareholder? Looking forward to your next update love Humdinger xx 

Seasidegal58

Another wishing you well in your world and hoping your next entry isnt too far away

efes_shareholder

thank you , its been a turbulent few weeks and I am pretty drained.

Wheels have come off a bit for NM and me and its taking a lot of digging deep to try and get them back on course.
I don't really want to go in to it , but hes made a mistake , a major mistake and something which is a trauma trigger for me , I am picking myself up but revelations blew the wind out of my sails and I've never felt so much disapointment. People aren't perfect , they are flawed , we all are and we must own those flaws although we never want to parade our failures.
It just seems that even when everything is going so wonderfully well or appears to be , everything can change in a moment.He wants to get us back on track , I'm suspicious of his motives and not sure if I can put things back on track and dont particularly want to deal with dissecting the live we have built and recovering from yet another failed relationship.
anyway time will tell , just now life is far from perfect.

money wise , well its the only area I feel in control and on course , how things change. I've scattered mums estate between accounts , my sister doesnt want ownership of it at the moment and hasnt asked for access to any of it , she has booked a holiday for the summer which I encouraged her to do , she has had a tough few years like me and deserves the rest and respite and it will be good for my nephew too.

I'm still ticking away with the 0% card , I haven't made any major payments to it but I do have the funds there to just clear it at any moment , I'm enjoying watching the balance of the savings go up.
I got my energy bill finally , first one since December , with the government contributions it was £202 for the two months which I am more then happy with , we usually have the heating on for 2 hours in the morning and 2 in the evening so i was expecting worse but we are very low users and only do a few washes a week , dont use the main oven , take mainly showers , only have lights on in the room we are in etc so I guess its still plenty.

Council tax is paid up until the new year starts in April.

£50 win on the PB this month.

Need to sort out garden furniture , washing line and a cleaning device for the sofa , I love my sofa but its light material and I need to be able to surface shampoo the cushions 

Anyway just a quick update on how my life is a bit of a mess at the moment so please wish me luck and pray for me 

fantasyvsreality

Thanks for the update @efes_shareholder, really love reading your diary but don't love reading that things aren't great between you and NM. One thing I can say from reading your diary is that you are a strong woman and I suspect will work out what is best, on balance, for you. People are fallible and they will disappoint but it's what they do with their mistakes that matters. No one is perfect. Look after you. 

efes_shareholder

fantasyvsreality said:

Thanks for the update @efes_shareholder, really love reading your diary but don't love reading that things aren't great between you and NM. One thing I can say from reading your diary is that you are a strong woman and I suspect will work out what is best, on balance, for you. People are fallible and they will disappoint but it's what they do with their mistakes that matters. No one is perfect. Look after you. 

thank you for taking the time to post , and for your words of encouragement.

I was just hoping for some peace in life for a while you know , someone up there must think I don't deserve to rest.

Humdinger1

Sending hugs @efes_shareholder; you will work it out.  Does he realise what he should have done differently? Love Humdinger xx 

fantasyvsreality

@efes_shareholder You must be exhausted, you have navigated so many very difficult and painful life events recently and I guess all you can do now is focus on you and your future, with or without NM. You do so much for others @efes_shareholder, time to focus on you. I relate to a lot of your diary having similarly had !!!!!! life event after !!!!!! life event and have found myself asking the same, why does this keep happening to me? For me I am trying to decide what I will and won't tolerate in life and put in the boundaries that reflect that. What would you say to a close friend who had been through what you have been through? Look after yourself, remember how strong you are.

Seasidegal58

I'm so I'm so sorry to read of the problems you are having. I do hope you manage to resolve the situation. You had such a hard slog with your mum for so long and as @fantasyvsreality writes, you must focus on what best suits you and your future.  

Xxx

efes_shareholder

Thank you for your kind advice and words.

We all deserve peace right ? I am just trying to build a life for myself and don't need the setbacks.

Things are slightly better , he knows how much he has upset me and is prepared to do anything so I have to dig deep and decide whether I will put my faith in him and try and continue building a life together.

Managed to lock myself out of the house on Friday and had to get spare keys sent to me via uber , wont be doing that again !!!!! 

The weekend was ok , he went to work and I got some odd jobs done around the house as I was in the mood to tackle them. I dont know if its because of how i have lived in the past but I can be really anal about mess and outstanding jobs , I'm fully aware of how things can get if you let your focus slip and its so important that I am in the environment I need to be but I can become a bit of a nag over it.

We went to dinner @ his best friends on saturday night which was nice , his best friend is the only person I have spoken to about our circumstances and he is so in our corner , NM doesn't know I spoke with him but I needed to put the baggage down somewhere and he is the person who knows him best and tells me I am family so I went where I felt my story wouldnt travel.
Men all round are so much better at not gossiping.

Yesterday we went to the garden centre and a DIY shop , I want to paint the hallway and with spring approaching the garden is on my mind - our trip was cut short as NM's son visited with the kids. I don't mind this , in fact I love that he loves to come here and so do the boys but I felt we needed a day for us. 
They stayed all afternoon and evening , leaving around 9 so the things we wanted to talk out weren't taken care off and now its back to work and waiting for a time when we are both not tired and able to sit and communicate effectively. 
the smallest GS is very challenging but he has really taken to me and cried when i had to pop out to get a missing ingredient for dinner. its time like this we realise how much everyone is bonded.

Seasidegal58

I'm pleased to read that things are a bit better between you and NM. It's good that you were able to share concerns with his friend - someone who knows him so well and treats you like family is a wonderful support to have. 

It's a shame that you never got to have yesterday to talk things through with NM but how lovely that his family thinks so much of you when you hear so often about 'step family' challenges. 

I hope you both manage this week to sit down together and have your discussions.