taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

current debt levels after this months payments have been made 

ratesetter car loan £  £856.41 ( 4 more payments of £215.26)
tesco ) credit card £1500 ( 5 more payments of 300)

total debt £2356.41

Buffythedebtslayer

efes_shareholder said:

Buffythedebtslayer said:

Also wishing you a good weekend Efes XXX Take care of yourself XXX

Thank you I'm trying my best 

Your best is amazing Efes XX 

Debts are looking good too XX 

efes_shareholder

so , works ramped up a bit , made a school girl error on monday which ended up with a bit of a rollocking from the boss , i was just pressed for time so short cutted something which I really should have known better on. Boss wanted re assurance that I could cope with everything and asked that I speak up if everything got too much rather then let the company tell me. I get his point , he is however a bit of a worry wart so will jump on the slightest thing , not in a crappy way ,he just likes our department to be squeaky clean. Explained to him that some days are fine and others can be a bit like spinning plates and you never know what kind of day you will get. I think everyone in this family forgets that I am also working whilst dealing with everything , including mum who will ask me from 3pm onwards whats we are having for dinner as shes got in to a routine of eating earlier , she doesn't get that I'm preparing dinner around my work commitments and I can't really tell my boss that ! its also added pressure at the moment as we are on a different care package until the end of the week , something to do with the hospital discharge which means we get different staff and most are men , mum doesn't let them help her get washed and dressed so its another thing at the moment I have to stop work to do. 
Anyway feeling the pressure a bit this week so I'm awake early and intend to just use the time to catch up with a bit of work.
Forgot to put the bins out yesterday and so do my sister so i had to do a quick dump run otherwise we will be over run by the time they collect again in 2 weeks , I usually do it on a monday night but just slipped my mind , slipped everyone elses too , small things but another reminder that pretty much everything these days rests on my shoulders.
Also had a visit from my uncle , it must be 20 years since I saw him - I am glad I got in contact with him and told him about mum , the rest of the family were a bit split over it but my mum misses him and I think given the fact that he wasn't given the chance with 2 of his brothers its only right that he has the chance to visit mum whilst she is still here. Mum really enjoyed seeing him so it was a right move and something that would have played on my mind if I hadn't. he said a cousin of mine had seen a pic of my mum in her wheelchair on social media and he had contacted my aunt as he was concerned but he hadn't been able to get through to her and his messages were not returned , the important thing is that he has now been.
its also bought my cousin back in to the frame , we were very close a few years ago. She has offered to help me try and get this bathroom sorted out , I'm pretty sure its beyond that but its nice to have someone thinking of me in all of this so maybe at some point we will get to it. 

Haven't spent any money this week and its likely to stay that way , health anxiety has put pay to the sunbed trips and for now I'll forgoe my weekly visit , forgot to mention I spoke to my specialist on Friday , he told me structurally my digestive system is how it should be so he is now referring me to a dietician so a low fodmap diet can be considered , not convinced this will help but hey ho , I have my pelvic ultrasound this weekend , I'm pretty sure thats where my problems lie but least things are now being done.

I

efes_shareholder

I am just checking in to tell you all how ridiculously tired I am today , maybe its the early start. I will try for an early night but I still wake up at 5 ish no matter what time I fall asleep.

Works eased up today and whilst my sister was here I managed to shoot to the bank and put some cash in that NM had laying around the flat after his mums service , its transferred in to his savings pot but the important thing is its safe.
Also got the car cleaned whilst I was in the bank , it was an £18 spend but it was grubby after yesterdays trip to the dump and it seemed the time to kill two birds , queue was much longer than I expected it to be 

I've fed mum already , chicken carbonara , haven't had that for ages so makes a nice change , every at the moment seems to be fish , salad and potatoes.

District nurse popped in , they weighed mum for the first in forever , shes around 9 and a half stone which is some deduction considering this time last year she must have been nearly double that. Mum is adamant that she has gained weight since her first stay in hospital but I don't see any evidence in that , i see the opposite however it motivates her to take her dietary supplements and keep eating regularly ........hopefully the work stops to cook her a decent meal are having some effect ( sister always throws a ready meal at her).
We buy full fat everything now as she needs the calories so its having the opposite affect on me.
i need to really look in to getting back to the gym 

efes_shareholder

I spoke too soon about work easing up , today has been relentless despite me taking care of last nights email traffic last night when I logged on to amend the home shop.
Sleep isnt really happening , woke up at 2.30 and struggled to get back to sleep and suffering for it now.

Macmillan popped in to see mum , they are pleased with how shes doing , did voice concerns on her loss of strength etc but seems for now they are happy to just let us tick along.
have already fed mum , mine will have to wait as havent had time to do much else other work and mum.

Sister came in for a few hours on her day off , she was off the minute the macmillan lady left , theres nothing extra whether shes at work or not but I guess she has to grab some time for her too.

Nothing spent today aside a small £3.00 purchase for a birthday next week , probably because there is nothing to spend.

Already looking forward to the weekend , my daughter has announced her engagement party in a few more weeks , that presents its own problems but i also need to think , what do you wear? the crazy gf should be there so I need to make sure I look good and get up her nose !

efes_shareholder

i so need a holiday.

Carers were late last night , mum was getting anxious so I called the office to be told we were down for a 9.45 call , it should be around 7..............told them not to bother coming as I would do the medication myself ( had done everything else) as mum usually settles down to sleep around 8. Got a text from carer after to say they were running late , its ridiculous to have us down for such a late call, Mum is getting really suspicious about her medication lately and I don't think she liked me doing it but I didn't want to wait up all night for someone to come in just to give 4 tablets.
Also had a call from my sister , disheartened a bit because she was present for the macmillan visit and had a slap of reality to how things will be come "that time" and how the emphasis is generally to leave us to it. I asked what the process was when mum went downhill and basically its that they send the district nurses more often and we get more care allowance ......................If we are lucky we get hospice at home and if mum wants to go to a hospice she can as long as there is space.
there is no respite care offered ( I knew this anyway) and if we want an overnight nurse its a different charity and again its down to availabilty. Shes suddenly realised that although they tell you you will be fully supported , that support doesn't really amount to much or ease any pressure.
I knew this already so I'm glad she got it from the horses mouth to speak as it didnt seem to register when I've tried to explain it in the past.
Its not her the pressure is going to fall on anyway , she gets to come in when she chooses and can go home and put her feet up and relax with a glass of wine , knowing I'm here doing the lion share.
I did ask the Mac nurse what would happen if I got ill , for example contracted covid , who would look after mum and she was very non commital and skated around the issue.

Anyway , it is what it is , one day at a time and we can cross that bridge when need be.

Works mad but there is no point booking a day off as its not like I can do anything with it , I've got 11 days holiday left , so far this year I have had one day off which was just to recharge myself and the other days of my holiday have been earlier in the year when mum was going for tests etc. I'm hopeful I'll get a week somewhere this year , I've told NM that when this particular chapter comes to its conclusion ,I will get the required arrangements made and then I am sodding off somewhere for a few days , I don't care where , I just want peace , relaxation and to be able to sit and enjoy some of the tranquilty of the world , hes welcome to come but regardless I'll be doing it.

Didnt spend anything yesterday , I did purchase a set of reclining chairs with NM's money for the shared garden at his flat , its a lovely peaceful little spot and we sat out there a few weeks ago on my camping chairs which aren't very comfortable , they should arrive today so hopefully the weather will be nice enough to make use of them over the weekend.

Kitten868

Its still all over the place for you. And you're still doing your best to stay strong and upbeat and carving out what you can in the little bit of time you get. So proud of you. You are an absolute powerhouse. 

I'm so sorry your mums hospital stay was so awful and she's struggling. I hope your care plans and medications get sorted soon. 

I'm glad you got the phone - you need to have something reliable for all your pa responsibilities. I think you made the right call.(accidental pun there but had to leave it in)

Terrible about how little support you're going to receive throughout the whole process. Even as things get harder. Really can't understand. I'm angry for you. I'm at a total loss. I hope that everything aligns as you need it. 

I hope you start getting somewhere with your medical investigations. I've started having to have some for my endo effecting my kidneys. I'm amazed how we have to jump through all the hoops every time. My gp even felt a physical exam was necessary. You'll have to do their food diary. Although I think you've been living on the healthiest foods in the main with cooking for your mum. 

Keep doing all the brilliant things you do. You are amazing. Xxxx

Buffythedebtslayer

You really are amazing, I forgot to take the meat out of the freezer for Sunday dinner!  I can't cook at the best of times, but it helps if the ingredients are at least in front of you! 

I too eat a lot of full fat stuff, mum has lost a stone and is so frail. 

I don't know what to say really. sending you love XXX 

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

Its still all over the place for you. And you're still doing your best to stay strong and upbeat and carving out what you can in the little bit of time you get. So proud of you. You are an absolute powerhouse. 

I'm so sorry your mums hospital stay was so awful and she's struggling. I hope your care plans and medications get sorted soon. 

I'm glad you got the phone - you need to have something reliable for all your pa responsibilities. I think you made the right call.(accidental pun there but had to leave it in)

Terrible about how little support you're going to receive throughout the whole process. Even as things get harder. Really can't understand. I'm angry for you. I'm at a total loss. I hope that everything aligns as you need it. 

I hope you start getting somewhere with your medical investigations. I've started having to have some for my endo effecting my kidneys. I'm amazed how we have to jump through all the hoops every time. My gp even felt a physical exam was necessary. You'll have to do their food diary. Although I think you've been living on the healthiest foods in the main with cooking for your mum. 

Keep doing all the brilliant things you do. You are amazing. Xxxx

hi , had my scan on saturday and was told endo is rarely picked up on ultrasound , going to wait for the results to go back to my gp. I've now got a report of the ct scan  i had too so I'm hoping that solves the mystery as although the specialist said the cyst on my liver was irrelevant and small , googling it , the symptons with my stomach do tie in with this.
I just want the issue solved best it can be , not continually medicated. Some days the pain is so intense that I would not be able to travel to the office if I wasn't working from home

The phones great , I don't know why I was a samsung user for so long.

My diet has always been very healthy , I eat more processed stuff then I would like recently but only because mum never knows what she fancies and it keeps better - if it was left to me I would cook from scratch every day.

efes_shareholder

Buffythedebtslayer said:

You really are amazing, I forgot to take the meat out of the freezer for Sunday dinner!  I can't cook at the best of times, but it helps if the ingredients are at least in front of you! 

I too eat a lot of full fat stuff, mum has lost a stone and is so frail. 

I don't know what to say really. sending you love XXX 

I hope you are taking care of yourself.
Its challenging feeling responsible for a loved ones well being. 
Your mums weight loss is a bit of a concern ,  has she had a full MOT?