taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

can someone turn the sun off just for a few hours.

I was shattered yesterday and couldn't keep my eyes open so went to bed relatively early compared to other evenings , woke up at 2.30 for a wee and just could not get back to sleep until about 5 and then the alarm was chiming at 6.30.
Don't feel very refreshed , feel like I've really lost my spirit lately and I don't like how that feels. Not sure what I can do to get it back but I am meeting my BFF for  couple of drinks ( cocktails on special in the local ) this evening so hopefully that will raise my mood slightly and at least allow me to talk through some of the recent tribulations with someone who will always be on my side but isn't afraid to tell me if I've dealt with things the wrong way or contributed to the issue.

Got to try and acheive a late lunch break ( not that I ever get one ) to get my nails removed and replaced , thats going to be about a £20 spend but mine are now outgrown and england didn't bring the euro's home so they need to go.They will have to stay some kind of red based as I can't have my toes and fingers not matching and my toes don't need doing this time.
The pub is doing 2 cocktails for £10 so I'm guessing i'll probably have 4 so again another spend but my well being really needs it. I've not seen much of my friends or my kids lately. After the exclusion from NM's mum service on monday I don't really want to see his friends , I can't shift the feeling that they will be judging me , we are due to an event on sunday where some may be and I'm really hoping my BFF can make it so I don't have to spend too much one on one time with them.

Mum doesn't seem so absent since yesterday afternoon , the dr has finally perscribed some medication for the swelling in her legs and feet. Another set of bedding for the wash this morning , but I guess at least its a reason to be thankful for the sunshine. My sister was on a 12 hour shift so didn't come in yesterday , shes popping in this morning and then she is off to the coast until saturday to visit her grandson. I can't do any such thing without her arranging annual leave for it , it sucks but I guess its just how it is and as NM says it won't be forever. It does feel though it is me who is drawing the short straw every single time and I can't help but resent the loss of my freedom. 

efes_shareholder

good morning 
slightly muzzy headed this morning after 5 pornstar martinis , they really are particulary nice , Total pub spend £22.
Was out for a few hours , we both needed it. My BFF spoke about her recent internet dating experiences ( I think she needs to relax and stop looking so hard ) she is suffering from a bit of a lack of confidence I think too. I spoke about this week with NM , she understood excatly why I was upset and like me could see both sides , it just helped to get it off my chest - she agreed hes made me look bad to our mutual friends , I can't talk about to my family about it as they will think the same and I'm slightly embarrassed that I've been put so far down the pecking order.

had my nails taken off and replaced £12 spend, had to take the laptop with me as work has just been crazy , fortunately didn't really need it but it was just another reminder of how little of my time is mine. I am supposed to get an hours lunch break but can't remember the last time I did however I guess with all the small pit stop breaks to help mum out they must amount to the same.
I am sure the rest of the family think working from home is sitting in my room watching netflix or scrolling through social media but its really not the case and I can honestly say I work for longer and much harder , combined with dealing with rounds of washing , mums continual little and often grazing , requests to have her dinner by 3.30 etc at times it becomes all a bit too much at times and between the hours of 7.00am and 7pm I honestly do not stop.

today I'm hoping for a slower paced friday , will try and grab a sunbed after work which is just the one a week now I'm becoming golden.
Tomorrow i'm going back to the market early as I wore one of my new shorts sets to the pub and my bff now wants some and so does mum as in this weather they are pretty perfect. My daughter is visiting at some point , I've bought her a brides planner as a birthday present but she is stressing over the planning side and saying she really needs one so I think I'll give it as an early engagement present. I need to finish the spare room as other daughter is in area visiting her friends so is staying again and then i've told my sister that when she is back from her jollies she needs to put in a late afternoon/early evening shift so I can go over to NM and have a nice scrub up !! 
Sunday we are out early to the charity football day , after this week not entirely sure I am looking forward to it anymore 

Humdinger1

@efes_shareholder just want to say how full of admiration I am for you.  You are doing a fab job.  Can you discuss if there's any respite care with the nurse?  Understand how you feel about NM's mum's funeral but I think people do understand that attending such things are v v complicated at the moment; people will think (if they think anything) that you've been pinged or that you're concerned about passing it onto your mum, especially if you go to a few things with NM.  Keep us posted love Humdinger x

efes_shareholder

Humdinger1 said:

@efes_shareholder just want to say how full of admiration I am for you.  You are doing a fab job.  Can you discuss if there's any respite care with the nurse?  Understand how you feel about NM's mum's funeral but I think people do understand that attending such things are v v complicated at the moment; people will think (if they think anything) that you've been pinged or that you're concerned about passing it onto your mum, especially if you go to a few things with NM.  Keep us posted love Humdinger x

thanks Humdinger , I'm just doing what has to be done , I'd like a bit of respite myself but I just have to show up every day
We dont have regular macmillan contact at the moment as mums symptons are well managed but mum asked about it before and apparantly they no longer offer respite care to people in our situation. As mum has a family to look after her ( that will be me ! ) its not something thats currently on the table. Only when we are at the end of life stage would hospice accomodation be offered and then its down to space.

efes_shareholder

Well today I am left in no doubt that my monthly visitor is due and its gonna be a bad one.
My back and thighs are on fire and its an effort to lift a limb
Taken some medication and hoping they improve my symptons so I can achieve something today.
Did spend yesterday 7 on a sunbed and 10 in the local shop for a top up of vape fluid and a very small bottle of vodka and some lemonade.
Work was a bit quieter yesterday so I managed to get the spare room mostly finished and all the bedding in there washed.
Did a run to the local dump too.

Todays market trip has been called off as its rain and thunder , instead we are clubbing together to order online and avoid delivery costs.

Should end the month in credit , considering it felt very tight im happy with that but I must must must stop using the everyday c/card instead of my current account as technically I'm stretching extra funds out until payday , the fact i clear it every month is kind of irrelevant- it should only be used for things that require the additional protection 

efes_shareholder

Oh and I forget , after my investigation and lack of improvement to my stomach symptons I got back in contact with the specialist
I was told to do so if the tablets didn't improve things so I now have a telephone consultation booked for the 6th August 
May aswell get the ball rolling again as it needs solving 

efes_shareholder

a SLIGHTLY hungover efes signing in.
yesterday was a really good day and I am a bit hungover with the period from hell to boot.
started early at 11 which was always only going to go one way , charity football match , bbq , bit of a dance and then I insisted on taking NM for a curry. spent about £50 all in which is what I was expecting really. Saw  a few friends that I haven't seen for a while and didn't appear to be judged over funeral gate ( or they kept it to themselves ) 
Had a relatively early night but I was drunk and I did steal a decorative elephant from the curry house ! should return him really but he looks good in my room.

back over to NM later  , time isn't really permitting getting him some healthier food made to eat but sure he will manage.

Payday friday , can't come soon enough 

Kitten868

Do you think theft of the decorative elephant went unnoticed?

Well done on going anyway. Things always seem worse than they are so I'm glad you went and it was all ok and you had a good time. 

Make sure you take some decent painkillers. You're too valuable to be out of action. Make sure you've got notes ready for your consultation. Well done for persevering. The way GPS are right now I'm really struggling to get help. Feels like such a battle to just even get in contact. 

Keep going xxx

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

Do you think theft of the decorative elephant went unnoticed?

Well done on going anyway. Things always seem worse than they are so I'm glad you went and it was all ok and you had a good time. 

Make sure you take some decent painkillers. You're too valuable to be out of action. Make sure you've got notes ready for your consultation. Well done for persevering. The way GPS are right now I'm really struggling to get help. Feels like such a battle to just even get in contact. 

Keep going xxx

Not sure if they will notice but I do feel bad but the elephant will always remind me of the day ! Just really proved how tipsy I was 
Have got 2 lots of painkillers , today my appt arrived for my internal scan to reconfirm adeymosis etc so along with mantaining contact with the gastro specialist hopefully i'll make progress soon , I dont want to medicate the problem Ideally I'd like it resolved 

efes_shareholder

No spends yesterday , Today I've had a naughty one on some Joseph Joseph measuring cups from amazon for £4 instead of £12. I love their stuff but rarely buy it as its over priced but neither me nor NM has a set so they will be needed at some point ( I love cooking from scratch but always guess) and will put away with my new home items.

Also called tesco c/card as I wasn't sure when my 0% run out , it doesn't until April 2022 so now I cant decide whether to carry on as I am or pay extra to the car loan and less to the card and have the advantage of knowing its down to one debt or just keep chucking at both ................

tesco have delivered our shopping this morning and none of the freezer stuff has been included as they have a problem on the van with the freezer , fortunately we have some supplies but its really not very helpful