taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

Kitten868

Oh! That's rubbish. On both counts. That you missed seeing her and them being insensitive on the group chat. It's not stupid to point out it needs to be handled. The woman is unhinged. 

I didn't think you cared. That's why I said so what. Would be mad if you were upset that his ex and daughters cared for his mum. Sounds like something exs girlfriend would lose it about!  Xx

CRANKY40

Have you discussed how you are feeling with your doctor? Given how much you have on just now you could be in danger of being depressed. 

efes_shareholder

CRANKY40 said:

Have you discussed how you are feeling with your doctor? Given how much you have on just now you could be in danger of being depressed. 

I did some time ago
He blamed my circumstances and the menopause
I've had depression , I know the signs of the black dog and my mum has suffered from it for as long as I can remember including many breakdowns.
I know too many sad days are not good for me , I know you need to just try and sweep through it but yes right now maybe a mild anti depressant would help but id prefer not to go down that route 
I found it just suppresses your feelings 

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

Oh! That's rubbish. On both counts. That you missed seeing her and them being insensitive on the group chat. It's not stupid to point out it needs to be handled. The woman is unhinged. 

I didn't think you cared. That's why I said so what. Would be mad if you were upset that his ex and daughters cared for his mum. Sounds like something exs girlfriend would lose it about!  Xx

Yeah maybe it bothers me that he puts me in that category, thinks I would react like that 
I dunno there's something he doesn't want me to know about

I'm here at moment 
Hes breezed in , said it all went well and that he wants to take me to dinner 
I'm in shorts and a vest cooking his pasta bake do nothing like notice.
I said I was cooking and not in the right attire so maybe tomorrow
I've now learnt hes booked tomorrow off of work ........ funny how I'm not expected to be able to organise day cover for mum with 3 weeks notice but dinner with 24 hours is expected 

I'm not going , it masts the problem and I know that he's being a man and just wanting to do gestures to bypass the issue and hope it goes away 

efes_shareholder

Hes even picked my favorite restaurants.....   am I wrong for thinking I'm being manipulated 
Fortunately when he came in with his son I was peeling onions so they couldn't see I was upset but I'm pretty sure NM knew 

efes_shareholder

Now I'm sat here drinking gin with him asleep in the chair after asking how's  my mum 
I can do this at home 
Sit by myself with a bottle of gin listening to someone snore although I'm saved the squeal of zimmer frame wheels 
My life feels pointless 

CRANKY40

Did your doctor run any blood tests? My friend suffers from depression anyway but when her blood was checked she was vit D deficient which really doesn't help. Since being treated for that she's starting to feel a bit better. I do realise that you're having a bad time just now but that doesn't mean that there isn't a physical problem that's making you feel even worse than you should. 

efes_shareholder

CRANKY40 said:

Did your doctor run any blood tests? My friend suffers from depression anyway but when her blood was checked she was vit D deficient which really doesn't help. Since being treated for that she's starting to feel a bit better. I do realise that you're having a bad time just now but that doesn't mean that there isn't a physical problem that's making you feel even worse than you should. 

i had several and a full mot earlier in the year.

I'm just miserable , I guess I either deal with it or medicate it.

efes_shareholder

well , a clear the air chat has been had.
I told him that since he had come in from the funeral and suggested we went to dinner tonight at a moments notice , I wasn't buying that he thought it best  I stay with my mum for the funeral and I basically hated how I felt and I needed to understand his reasons.
basically I was right , he said I couldn't have you there because it would be difficult with my childrens mum there , i asked him if he thought I was some kind of bunny boiler who couldn't accept he had and heaven forbid his children had a mother too !!I told him  he insulted my intelligence and that I was fully aware his mother lived in his previous marital home with his "wife" prior to going in to a home and that basically I knew and if it had been an issue to me I would have mentioned it myself !!
I think because he hadn't spoken openly about it he wasn't sure how to approach it now so by his words it was easier to put his head in the sand and just ignore it but hes glad its out there now and there are no more secrets.
He knows how I feel about it isn't passing , I hope it does , i told him it didn't say much for our relationship if he couldn't be honest with me.
I would have felt much better if he had just explained the situation prior to the service and not just fobbed me off as if it was in my interests. I've told him hes dealt with it completely the wrong way 

I feel better for talking about it but I'm hugely dissapointed that he didnt feel he could just be honest about things , jesus christ we all have a past.

efes_shareholder

good morning

Still on path with no spends , Still a bit upset over the events earlier in the week but I do get it , I'm just disapointed that he didn't feel able to be open with me but I have to take in to account that he is also juggling an overwhelming feeling of grief and a little bit of a lost soul. We have had a heart to heart and the mood has improved and hopefully we can move on from it. I'm more upset that to outsiders it looks like I wasn't there for him but thats my perception etc.
He said he felt it would be difficult and I have to respect that and I also have to respect that a lady that sacraficed a part of her life to care for his mum and obviously loved her dearly should be able to do pay her respects as comfortably as possible. I completely understand that some people from broken marriages are able to be unite when it comes to love for family members , its just a shame that he potentially thinks I'm not that person.I know he loves me and I know he is very regretful that he has caused me upset.

We went out for dinner last night , found a nice little place local to me , it was really reasonable to its a shame it wasn't my turn to pay !! It did us good. 
I came home to check on mum and then went over to his for the rest of the evening. Came home early this morning , he dropped me off as he wanted to be out early to go to the gym and then he went to his mums resting place. He sent some pictures and said he will take me later in the week. I know he is struggling.
When I got home this morning , there was carnage , soiled clothes all over the cloakroom downstairs and bedding discarded in the lounge. Mum went out to the cloakroom and completely ignored the mess and clothes so it was obviously my job to pick them up ( was a rubber glove job). I do it without fuss but she just seemed completely obilivious to it.
The last few days she has seemed very vacant and out of sorts , I put this down to the weather but i'm not sure now , I think maybe there is a bit of a decline taking place ,its so hard to know. 

anyway back to money , the very small budget is still sitting tight and I may even end up with an excess. I have my football nails being removed and replaced tomorrow and then I just want pay day so I can reset everything. 
I'm hoping for a nice sum on the bonds so I get the c/card down further. Its sitting at 1800 right now and I know the end is in sight but I am becoming impatient with it