taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

massive fail this morning , woke in the night and had trouble getting back to sleep and then overslept until 10am this morning !!
mums meds are due at 7 , I start work at 8 and I only woke up because I heard the carers booming voice.
mum forgot her own digestive medication this morning which she really should remember as she has had to take it every time she eats for the past 6 months but I'll take the blame for that one for sleeping in so late and for the mess it created shortly after she ate which for once my sibling got to clear up.
Fortunately work did not notice my absence so nothing to explain there but obviously I'm 2 hours behind and playing catch up.

NM picked some boxes up from a friends last night and dropped them in , he is quiet and subdued and I'm sure I'm failing in being there for him. The service is monday , organised before the lifting of the restrictions and when organised he said he hoped I didn't mind but as they were restricted by numbers he needed to keep the service to family members and close friends etc. I only met his mum twice and due to her dementia she had no idea who I was so I did completely understand as my presence would only to be a support to him. Since the lifting of the restrictions I'm now uneasy about it , I certainly don't want to impose myself on to the occassion but he told me to stay at home with my mum where I'm needed so I kind of feel surplus to requirements and that he doesn't need me. Some family members are travelling some distance by train and I offered to help with the transport getting them back to the train stations etc and again this was politely declined. I'm worried how it looks to others that I'm not there to support my partner on this occassion as if I've just left him to it and even more worried when it appears he just doesn't want me there in any capacity. It feels difficult to bring it up as the service is for his mum and how he is feeling should be the only thing to discuss but I can't pretend I'm finding any reassurances when I think about it.

Anyway , Yesterday was a NSD so thats a positive , and with 16 days until payday there is now £14.68 a day available. Trying my upmost not to spend it as technically I don't need too.

Kitten868

I'm not going to lie. I'm glad. Yes it probably has left you feeling out of kilter and your mums medication was missed but your body needed that sleep. Hopefully you feel better to tackle everything. And very pleased your sister had to clean up the next lot too. 

I had a similar dilemma about a funeral where I was made to feel pushed out and there was limited guest list so I didn't go. I feel bad about it but I think it made him be stronger for the other attendees. I don't know if I did the right thing. Could you be really honest to NM about it? I can see it from all angles and it so difficult. Especially when things have changed so dramatically. I hope you find the right answer for you both. Xxx

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

I'm not going to lie. I'm glad. Yes it probably has left you feeling out of kilter and your mums medication was missed but your body needed that sleep. Hopefully you feel better to tackle everything. And very pleased your sister had to clean up the next lot too. 

I had a similar dilemma about a funeral where I was made to feel pushed out and there was limited guest list so I didn't go. I feel bad about it but I think it made him be stronger for the other attendees. I don't know if I did the right thing. Could you be really honest to NM about it? I can see it from all angles and it so difficult. Especially when things have changed so dramatically. I hope you find the right answer for you both. Xxx

I'm sure he is more concerned about portraying the strong persona as he is the only male within his siblings and sees himself as head of the family , I think he just wants to do it privately , and his way and I get that.
I didn't know his mum really , not like he knows my mum who he spends a bit of time with ( more then my nieces).
His childrens mum will be attendance and I know she continued to care for Mum after they split along with his daughters ( he doesn't know I know this) and I think there is an element where he just wants to keep it privately within them and not bring me in to the picture
I would never dream of muscling myself in at the expense of someone much closer etc I jut wish he would be more open about it but I guess thats men and grief.

efes_shareholder

Another day closer to payday.

I've made great strides is decluttering my room and removing 47 years off my life from my surroundings , there are currently 6 boxes of books , photos , electrical and travel gadgets , things I've been saving for my new home now in the garage - They are things I don't need right now but don't want to part with and in normal circumstances would reside in the loft , I'm about half through the project and thankfully work has been quiet so as long as I keep one eye on the computer I can just press on. 

Went over to NM's last night as mum was fine and he was on a different shift , did spend £20 on an uber eats take away curry for us both but no more spends planned the next few days so its affordable. We watched a film and had a nice evening and then I came home at 6.30 this morning to luckily didnt oversleep again. Pretty sure I'll just let the funeral thing go and eventually it won't bother me , he has his reasons and its his mums service and I need to respect how he wants to do it regardless if I feel a bit put out.

Today I need to try and fit in a trip to the dump and get to savers or home bargains for some deflora and carpet spray , where I have disturbed things in the spare room sorting clutter ( I've had to go through boxes so all photos , books etc are now packed away together) I've come across a section of carpet that just stinks of DOG !! The dogs been gone 2 years but I can still smell him !!

efes_shareholder

happy friday! 

After quite a quiet work week I'm getting somewhere decluttering. Yesterday I took 5 bags to the dump , picked up a new mop , deflora and carpet mousse and set about my business.
I really do use every spare bit of space in my room but another 4 boxes to the garage ( this includes things that were bought back from my house sale and have been sitting in my spare room) , also pulled out my bed and furniture and got rid of all the house dust stuff that accumulates in these areas , more so because I have vinyl flooring and use every spare bit of floor space in the room ( or should I say did) swept up stray earrings etc from under my bed gave the whole room a going over with deflora , was one of those jobs I wish I hadn't started but needing doing and feels so much better for doing.
I now just have my personal care stuff to sort out , make up , purfemes etc.
I've got a little snippet of space where one of those slim tower drawers will sit perfectly so I may need to do a £20 spend in argos to get this project finished. I've looked online and this is the cheapest place to get them.
Theres also no longer boxes and suitcases on top of my wardrobe so I'm getting there.
Figured whether the house is sold or renovated this will need to be done.
Mum mentioned her clothes , none of which will fit her anymore so I tasked my sister with grabbing a pile on a sunday afternoon and going through them , bag for charity shop , keep , bin etc.
I've started the spare room and will finish that off in dribs and drabs but my own personal space takes priority.

So today , probably a £20 spend on the drawers to get this complete , I did spend yesterday in home bargains on a dustpan and brush ( took mine to NM when the house share from hell one went awol) , some chocolate and new toothbrushes but this will all covered by the silver change I found in various handbags and under the bed , I think I still have about £5 from money recovered now in my purse !! 

Kitten868

Wow. Really impressive. That must have been hard. I don't know how you've fit it in but I'm pleased you have prioritised your space. I feel like you should get to take over upstairs for yourself and make it all lovely for you. And gold star for giving your sister your mums clothes. Very good idea to delegate. I think no matter the future plan decluttering is definitely the best plan. And I really hope that dog smells have been eradicated. 

I'm hoping that making some space in your space has made some space in your head. Not that I'm making sense. But I hope it has xxx

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

Wow. Really impressive. That must have been hard. I don't know how you've fit it in but I'm pleased you have prioritised your space. I feel like you should get to take over upstairs for yourself and make it all lovely for you. And gold star for giving your sister your mums clothes. Very good idea to delegate. I think no matter the future plan decluttering is definitely the best plan. And I really hope that dog smells have been eradicated. 

I'm hoping that making some space in your space has made some space in your head. Not that I'm making sense. But I hope it has xxx

Fortunately works been very quiet so I've been able to grab a box and keep one eye on the email box.
It feels so much better to have clear surfaces and not see "things" everywhere I look.
Bought the drawers from Argos and they fit perfectly in a space I have between a chest of drawers and bedding ottoman so I can now pop things I have on my shelves like ear buds and make up in to these and hopefully feel super organised.

The dog smell is vanishing but the carpet bears the brunt of his memory , once I've done the spare room which will take an evening or so I may start on mums room which really will be a challenge ! Shes unlikely to ever be able to make it up the stairs again though so its kind of a free reign on what "toot" I dispose off.

I'd love to be able to get the bathroom done , that would make life so much nicer but firstly mum doesn't need the disruption of workmen and then I am reluctant to pay out for it without the future of the house being confirmed.

efes_shareholder

Potentially there is a spend today , my football team are playing a friendly and i'd like to go but will need a membership to get tickets. an adult membership is twice the price so my "hack" is to get the membership in my nephews name as its half the price. I can then also take him along if my sister buys his ticket but he will get a membership in the deal which gives him far more goodies and perks then an adult one.  Not sure if there are still tickets but my friend who works in the office says if i am unable to get the tickets she will refund the membership.
I'm aware my spending has been a little enhanced lately and I'm not really acheiving the savings I wanted but my debt is now down 62% in the last 3 months , sitting at just shy off £2900 so I am making progress on that and not aquiring any more but it still feels naughty. 
I'm shortly off to our local market as I can work that around the carer and my sister and then we are wheeling mum round to our local pub for lunch , shes had a good few weeks and is a bit fed up of being stuck indoors , she would like to go to the shopsor local garden centre but its so much of a challenge with the chair and getting her in abnd out of the car and we didnt apply for a disabled badge as we honestly thought she wouldn't still be here. 
Our macmillan nurse called yesterday , first time in a month as shes been on annual leave , I told her we had had the best period of sympton management that we had had since mums diagnosis - mums only had one incident of sickness in the last month , to cut a long story short it turns out I've got muddled and have been giving the wrong sickness tablet 3 times a day !!!! Felt terrible but its been working so its not being changed , mum thinks I am a better DR then they are !! 

Kitten868

Can't be your fault. Surely you shouldn't have it if it's wrong? And you've been achieving your goal so I see no harm. Especially since they want you to keep it up. You have enough guilt and sacrifice on your plate. 

I think you definitely should sort your mums room. Probably be good to find stuff that she might want. Either way definitely the right move xxx

efes_shareholder

Yesterday was pretty busy.
Made the market and bought myself two smart casual co ordinating shorts sets. £20 each. I could probably have continued to wear gym stuff or jean shorts and vests but with more social occassions in the sun they are a welcome addition , just have to behave. also picked up some spare single sheets for mums bed
Mum was well enough to be wheeled round to our local pub garden for a lunch date yesterday with myself ,  my sister and my nephew. It takes a lot of planning getting her out of the house , we asked occupational health about a ramp when she was first diagnosed and was told it takes months and not worth it etc but I wish i'd stamped my feet on that one as it would make the operation so much easier.
Managed to get the football tickets , have been a bit cute how I did it. If you buy 2 adults and 2 kids , the kids go free so its £70 whether its 2 adults or 2 adults and 2 kids  soooo I bought my nephew the annual membership at £20 which allowed us to order 4 tickets , he then gets a free stadium tour , a goodie bag etc and its half the price of an adult one , My middle cub didnt want to come cos of covid so I've told my nephew he can take a friend and my sister and said friends parents can cover the cost of their tickets as I am not going to divulge the two free kids simply divide the cost by 4 since I'm being nice enough to take them both I need some perk too otherwise it wouldn't be affordable and they wouldnt be going. 
So thats this months spending aside from essentials !! 
With the circumstances as they are currently I do feel that I need to be doing some things I enjoy on my restful days rather then just watching the TV at NM's.

Today I'm going to NM's around lunchtime , my daughter is on her way back from a staycation in yorkshire and is going to pop in to see my mum and show off her engagement ring , not sure if I will be here but if I'm not I can see it another time. NM is distracted by his mums service tomorrow , he hasn't said much about it and when it does it just re emphasises how much of an outsider I feel in this , I need to drop that for today , its really not the right time. I will be watchful now though as if I feel excluded going forward I may take that as a sign and jump ship , as much as I love him , it has to be equal or its not fulfilling.  I hope the feeling passes , I'm not important at the moment , I get that , I just need to be important in general. 
Not sure what we are doing other then visiting the supermarket , it would be nice to make some use of the sun though.