taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

well , im currently a bit of a mess.
went over to NM's yesterday and we had a nice afternoon in the sun , then one of his kids called to say they were unable to pick up something for the funeral and he popped out. Whilst he was out , a mutual friend who knew his mum  called about todays arrangements and just assumed I was going , until I said I wasn't and she could then not understand why as I am his partner and it re alightened all the feelings I had been trying to surpress. I messed dinner up which is probably just aswell as I wasn't hungry anymore and just wanted a few large gins and eventually we spoke about it. His explaination was the restrictions were in place ( I completely understand this ) and that was why he had said he would be fine with his daughters etc , however the restrictions were then lifted and when I asked why he had then asked all and sundry to attend except me , he said I was needed with my mum ! , I know I'm needed with my mum but that doesn't mean I can't be with him when needed ( ok it takes some organisation ) and the fact he didn't want me to be , hurts like hell.
He said we should have spoken about it sooner ( which we should) but you know I didn't want him to want me to be there as I told him I thought I should be there for him , I wanted him to want me to be there as thats what he wanted and obviously it wasn't. I told him I am now questioning our relationship and whether we are both in the same place with it and its all I've done all afternoon. 
Presently I don't know if I can move on from this , but the thought of not having him around is equally upsetting. 
I'm due over there this evening and I really don't know if I should go but I also don't want to be here 
Life just sucks at the moment , I told him last night I had forgotten what happiness felt like , his answer there is always something to be positive about and like the fact we are breathing but what difference does it make if theres no fulfillment in life. How does it look to other people ? He said he doesn't care what other people think as we know the circumstances ,but you know what on this occassion I do care what other people think of me and even if he doesn't care what they think of him he should care what they think of me !!!!!!!

Maybe when my mum dies I'll tell him work needs him so he best stay there and he can have a taste of what it feels like.

Its true what they say no one likes rejection and although if I'm to believe his reasonings they were made with some consideration to me , it feels like excuses and it feels like rejection and I'm not sure I want a future. Lots of thinking to be done.

Aside from that , no spends yesterday and although I've wanted to spend today I can't because I left my purse in my overnight bag at his flat which is also a complete ball ache as I wanted to pick up a few bits for dinner enroute to the flat if I decide to go and even if I dont want to go later I'm still going to have to go there to pick up the purse at some point. 

Legs21

I think you’re both mentally vulnerable at the moment. He is about to lay his Mum to rest and yours won’t be far behind. Maybe he thinks you going to a Mum funeral is a bit too close to home at the moment. Maybe he thinks you should be with your Mum appreciating this time as he can no longer be with his. Maybe he doesn’t want you to see him fall to pieces at the funeral. We know what he’s saying to you but it could be different to what he is thinking and feeling, you know how pants men are at talking about feelings! Just try and put negative thoughts to one side for now as you could be overthinking things and could make the situation worse for both of you needlessly. You both need to support each other at this fragile moment in time ❤️

efes_shareholder

Legs21 said:

I think you’re both mentally vulnerable at the moment. He is about to lay his Mum to rest and yours won’t be far behind. Maybe he thinks you going to a Mum funeral is a bit too close to home at the moment. Maybe he thinks you should be with your Mum appreciating this time as he can no longer be with his. Maybe he doesn’t want you to see him fall to pieces at the funeral. We know what he’s saying to you but it could be different to what he is thinking and feeling, you know how pants men are at talking about feelings! Just try and put negative thoughts to one side for now as you could be overthinking things and could make the situation worse for both of you needlessly. You both need to support each other at this fragile moment in time ❤️

You are completely right men are completely crap at talking about their feelings and most are emotionally detached , he isn't like that generallly , off course that doesn't mean to say that its not the case in this instance , I can't just get the feeling of rejection and how it must be look to others that I am not standing with him at a time he needs support.
it indicates I am either not supportive ( which is not the case ) or he does not consider me the person he needs support from
I'm aware there is potential to make this worse , I don't want to be addressing these issues at this particular time but its incredibly difficult to sweep how I am currently feeling aside.
thank you for taking the time to post , I need some reasoning with right now x

CRANKY40

On the day of my late husband's funeral I sent our small son to school. People asked where he was but I needed to concentrate on the stuff that I needed to do and my own feelings. NM will be wanting to sit with his family who will be upset and maybe he feels that looking after them will be enough of a job. 

Would he agree to you going but not with him? You don't have to sit with the family but he would know that you are there supporting him. What are they doing afterwards? Drink, food? Maybe that could be a better time to turn up for half an hour to show your support. Maybe the nicest thing that you could do for him is to have dinner and a drink ready for him when he's done with everything else and just wants to relax. Try not to see it as a reflection of your relationship - it isn't.  It's a one off very emotional event. Let him do what he wants just as you will do for your mum when it's your turn. 

efes_shareholder

CRANKY40 said:

On the day of my late husband's funeral I sent our small son to school. People asked where he was but I needed to concentrate on the stuff that I needed to do and my own feelings. NM will be wanting to sit with his family who will be upset and maybe he feels that looking after them will be enough of a job. 

Would he agree to you going but not with him? You don't have to sit with the family but he would know that you are there supporting him. What are they doing afterwards? Drink, food? Maybe that could be a better time to turn up for half an hour to show your support. Maybe the nicest thing that you could do for him is to have dinner and a drink ready for him when he's done with everything else and just wants to relax. Try not to see it as a reflection of your relationship - it isn't.  It's a one off very emotional event. Let him do what he wants just as you will do for your mum when it's your turn. 

The funeral was today 
We had mutual friends there who I could have sat with and also helped with transport but since the initial conversation when covid restrictions limited events to 30 at the time ( this changed after the date had been set ) it was never mentioned again
I told myself he just wanted to get it done his way , I was slightly put out but I was never going to muscle myself in and insist I went but I was slightly put out , even asking me to pop in at the wake would have felt inclusive.
I think its heightened since phone calls from friends of his ( I'm not sure if they knew his mum well or not ) to either confirm or excuse their attendance , I know amongst our circle its quite common place to go to friends parents / children's service as a show of support , feel a bit pit out that they can be there to support him but I cant 
He says I'm needed with my mum but he doesn't say that when I'm over there visiting him !
Deep down i think I know the reason, early in our days he told me his niece cared for his mum but over time and before she came in to a home , it became very easily detectable that it was intact his ex wife and daughters 
I dont know why he said his neice maybe in the past he has encountered problems where girlfriends dont like this I dont know but I sussed things pretty quickly but didn't consider it too important a thing to bring up ...... part of me thinks he's avoided having me there because this would be unearthed but you know what I really don't care !
I care that the members of his family I have met and our close friends would think that I would choose not to support him and I care that they could think he doesn't see me as significant enough to be there for him 
When my mum passes I will be telling him to go to work as hes needed there 
I know this shouldn't be about me I really do and that I should respect whatever way he chooses to do things but I'm genuinely hurt and upset by it more so when I learnt of the gathering of friends going along to support him !! 

Kitten868

I totally understand your feelings. It really hurts when someone doesn't let you in for their worst. As you say it be a lie unravelling but so what? It does leave a crack. 
You did your bit. You asked him and offered. As you say. Don't do anything now. Wait and see how the cards fall. It might all come out different. 

Glad you got your mum out for a nice pub lunch. Would something like this work? https://www.zoro.co.uk/shop/site-safety/access-ramps/doorline-bridge-6cm-high-threshold-ramp/p/ZT1066375S?utm_source=google&utm_campaign=pla+|+Site Safety&utm_term=ZT1066375S&utm_medium=pla_css_2&targetid=pla-1301231333949&loc_physical_ms=1007089&dev=m&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI4Y-WztPv8QIVDtWyCh2KDQhIEAQYAyABEgL2b_D_BwE I am no way connected to this company and I'm not recommending this particular brand. I know it should have been handled for you but it'll save you a stress of arguing to get it. I think you have to fight your corner enough. 

Could you have a night out with your friends? Or your daughters? Have a bit of a refresh. Oh and I hope you were home for your daughters visit. Xxx

CRANKY40

It's about you if it upsets you and it has. Using your mum as an excuse doesn't sit quite right does it? As you say it's ok to leave her to stay over at his. I think a relationship is a bit like a glass tumbler - with every upset the tumbler fills a little more until the final thing which makes it overflow and that's the end. He's added to yours today for sure. As you say you could have sat with friends - maybe you should have just told him you'd be there once the restrictions were lifted. I'd have been tempted just to see the reaction. 

You are vulnerable at the moment because of everything that's going in with your mum. That could make you more inclined to see this as a rejection but if I was putting myself in your place I would probably have said something about it sooner  because I'm much more direct about things since I've been widowed. 

efes_shareholder

CRANKY40 said:

It's about you if it upsets you and it has. Using your mum as an excuse doesn't sit quite right does it? As you say it's ok to leave her to stay over at his. I think a relationship is a bit like a glass tumbler - with every upset the tumbler fills a little more until the final thing which makes it overflow and that's the end. He's added to yours today for sure. As you say you could have sat with friends - maybe you should have just told him you'd be there once the restrictions were lifted. I'd have been tempted just to see the reaction. 

You are vulnerable at the moment because of everything that's going in with your mum. That could make you more inclined to see this as a rejection but if I was putting myself in your place I would probably have said something about it sooner  because I'm much more direct about things since I've been widowed. 

I regret not saying something sooner but I wanted to be respectful of his wishes and I didnt want to cause him any upset when he's grieving
I just thought he didnt want me exposed to his emotions and just wanted family etc, thats not really so

I was hoping that how I felt would ride over me and it would stop feeling how it did
That was pretty niave on my part.

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

I totally understand your feelings. It really hurts when someone doesn't let you in for their worst. As you say it be a lie unravelling but so what? It does leave a crack. 
You did your bit. You asked him and offered. As you say. Don't do anything now. Wait and see how the cards fall. It might all come out different. 

Glad you got your mum out for a nice pub lunch. Would something like this work? https://www.zoro.co.uk/shop/site-safety/access-ramps/doorline-bridge-6cm-high-threshold-ramp/p/ZT1066375S?utm_source=google&utm_campaign=pla+|+Site Safety&utm_term=ZT1066375S&utm_medium=pla_css_2&targetid=pla-1301231333949&loc_physical_ms=1007089&dev=m&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI4Y-WztPv8QIVDtWyCh2KDQhIEAQYAyABEgL2b_D_BwE I am no way connected to this company and I'm not recommending this particular brand. I know it should have been handled for you but it'll save you a stress of arguing to get it. I think you have to fight your corner enough. 

Could you have a night out with your friends? Or your daughters? Have a bit of a refresh. Oh and I hope you were home for your daughters visit. Xxx

I dont care if his ex wife looked after his mum , its not my business - I honestly couldn't care less
I just feel I have to guard myself now and I will be 
I've cried at least once a day for the past 6 weeks , I dont think he really gets how fragile I am , he didn't until he felt the tears I couldn't stop drop on to his arm last night.
The ramps ill look in to, my sister and I mentioned looking in to it at the weekend.

Re girls night , yes prob do me good , haven't met up with at gfs lately , im not likely to moan about nm to many of them though as if I get past it they will remember long after I forget 

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

I totally understand your feelings. It really hurts when someone doesn't let you in for their worst. As you say it be a lie unravelling but so what? It does leave a crack. 
You did your bit. You asked him and offered. As you say. Don't do anything now. Wait and see how the cards fall. It might all come out different. 

Glad you got your mum out for a nice pub lunch. Would something like this work? https://www.zoro.co.uk/shop/site-safety/access-ramps/doorline-bridge-6cm-high-threshold-ramp/p/ZT1066375S?utm_source=google&utm_campaign=pla+|+Site Safety&utm_term=ZT1066375S&utm_medium=pla_css_2&targetid=pla-1301231333949&loc_physical_ms=1007089&dev=m&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI4Y-WztPv8QIVDtWyCh2KDQhIEAQYAyABEgL2b_D_BwE I am no way connected to this company and I'm not recommending this particular brand. I know it should have been handled for you but it'll save you a stress of arguing to get it. I think you have to fight your corner enough. 

Could you have a night out with your friends? Or your daughters? Have a bit of a refresh. Oh and I hope you were home for your daughters visit. Xxx

I wasn't home for my daughters visit but she showed her big engagement ring off to her nan and aunt 
I think I'm in the dog house there as guest lists were mentioned and off course their dads gf is crazy and doesn't like me 
I said if she was coming it needed addressing as she needs to be on her best behaviour 
It was a group chat with all my kids and ultimately anything I input I felt shot down , they have this habit of ganging up on me and making me the butt of their jokes 
They know it pushes my buttons but still they do it